We're coming live from the Nassau Coliseum on Pay-Per-View. Hype hype hype - MICHAEL COLE and TAZZ are the shills for the time being, with JIM ROSS and JERRY LAWLER waiting in the wings for RAW matches.
Long Island crowds BLOW. You're lucky to EVER get a major show again after Heyman had to yell at you last time out.
KURT ANGLE vs. REY MYSTERIO JR.
Haven't had a chance to see Rey since he started in the WWE - so I'm kinda curious. No sign of that "cool entrance" I've heard so much about - because he's a sneaky bastard who comes from behind and slingshots himself over the top rope into an over the head rana! Headscissors takeover - dropkick - monkey flip - Kurt what's wrong??? Rey finally gets shoved away and Kurt tries a German suplex, but the slippery bastard gets behind him. Kurt still finds a way to grab the ankle and get an early Anklelock - but Rey gets the ropes. Kurt charges, Rey hits a drop toe hold and WHAT ON EARTH WAS THAT? Announcers dub it the 619. It was that spinny thing Rey used to do on the ropes when his opponent was on the outside, only now he's swinging and looks to kick to the guy in the face - only Kurt was ready and slid away. Kurt yanks him out to the ring and Rey takes it like a man! Rey is rolled in - with wind knocked out - and takes a big time vertical suplex. Rey gets caught in a waistlocked and winds up SLAMMED via the German suplex! You couldn't get that kind of power with anyone else on that roster. Kurt tries another one - but Rey hooks the top rope - and in MIDAIR swings around under Kurt's legs in a sunset flip style position for 2. So Kurt clotheslines the shit out of him. That's good for 2. Sweet looking backbreaker, cover, 1, 2, far from enough. Kurt shoves Rey into the ropes - and positions his head between the bottom and second ropes, pulling back for leverage. Ref doesn't care for that, and neither do the fans. Angle works the punches in the corner, and whips him across the ring. Rey leaps onto Kurt's head - tries a rana, but Kurt drops RIGHT back with a sidewalk slam. Beautiful reversal! Rey kicks out at two. We move to a half-crab with Kurt's knee on Rey's head! Closeups reveal the formerly babyfaced Mysterio is sporting a goatee - perhaps because he's evil? Rey SOMEHOW turns that move into a pin by rolling through, but only gets 2 - and Kurt's all pissed, so he clotheslines him and tries his own cover. That also gets 2. Kurt starts strutting and taking his time between punches while the (stupid) fans remind him he sucks. Rey manages to come back with a jawbreaker which temporarily stuns Kurt - follows with a sunset flip, but Kurt sits down on his head to find Rey's head has somehow disappeared! No, it's not magic, he's just really quick. Rey seems to think he's in control - so Kurt shows him who's boss and throws him over his head with a belly to belly. DOWN COME THE STRAPS! OLYMPIC SLAM is REVERSED into an armdrag! Kurt's incensed - charges - and misses Rey who's pulled down the top rope and he flies to the outside. Kurt staggers around like a drunk, realises where he is, gets to the apron, and immediately kicked back off. Rey's feeling it now - runs to the opposite side of the ring - and now Jim Korderas feels what Rey's feeling and wants the feeling to stop and stands in his way. Fans boo. Korderas checks on Kurt - so now Rey does the tope con hilo by leaping over Korderas' ass in the process. YEAH - FUCK YOU KORDERAS! How dare you deprive me of the tope con hilo! Rey rolls Kurt in while the fans chant "HOLY SHIT!" about that last one, and he follows it up with a SPRINGBOARD LEGDROP! I've missed lucha! Don't give me that X-Division crap. Cover, 1, 2, NO! Both guys up - Rey slides under Kurt's legs, but can't escape his wrath - and winds up stuck in an Anklelock! Rey leaps to one leg and mule kick's Angle right in the chops! Kurt's stuck in the ropes....SIX ONE NINE! REY TO THE TOP - THERE'S A RANA WITH THE LEG HOOKED - ONE, TWO, KURT IS GOD HE KICKED OUT!!!! Spinning heel kick to Kurt's head - Rey back to the top rope...he leaps - Kurt moves - and now Kurt's on top awaiting Rey - and Rey's back with a springboard dropkick to the face!!! Rey to the top...Kurt ESCAPES the rana in midair and puts on the Anklelock!!! Rey fights, but Kurt yanks him midring!!! That's right, you KNOW who your daddy is, TAP LIKE YOU'VE NEVER TAPPED BEFORE!!! (9:19) ***3/4 Hot hot hot hot opener and better than anything I've seen in MONTHS.
Unless of course you count Spike vs. Richards as your opener from Heat earlier. Say, did Spike turn heel or was I imagining things?
Backstage....OOPS, my finger slipped on the fast forward button.
Lawler welcomes us to the RAW portion of Smackdown! Not a typo.
CHRIS JERICHO vs. RIC FLAIR
This match was stuck in the middle of the first ever Thunder. Jericho lost and threw a tantrum. Will history repeat itself? JR notes that this is Flair's first ever SummerSlam, and although I was POSITIVE he was at SummerSlam 92, a quick check reveals he was not. Charles Robinson is the referee...I wonder how Jericho feels about that. Flair immediately slaps Jericho across the face and starts strutting around, because HE'S The Man. Jericho tries to take him down, but Flair winds up on top - and he gets a 2. WOOOO! JR remembers the days when Jericho ran over Steve Austin and The Rock in one night, while I'm reminiscing about the fact he hasn't won a match in 5 straight pay-per-views. Jericho backdrops Flair and knocks him down again with a clothesline. Belly to back suplex - but Flair says screw this and chops the hell out of Jericho and sends him to the floor...sorta. Jericho decides instead to skin the cat. So Flair chops him again for showing off! Damn punk kids! Jericho cheats with a poke of the eyes, and then chops Flair. Blasphemy! Flair flip fails...poor Ric needs help getting over the top to the floor. That's a real shame...I'm going to have to accept sooner than later the end is here. Jericho pulls back the padding from the wall and drops Flair on it, then climbs to the top and drops down on him with an axehandle. Jericho starts to fire in with the rights and lefts - and now HE'S feeling it. So Flair comes back again with the chops because only HE is entitled to "feel it". That lasts all of ten seconds - incoming Missile Dropkick...and it gets two. Jericho tries to undo the turnbuckle, but it's only a distraction for the referee allowing Jericho to choke Flair with his wrist tape. Smart! Flair actually looks pissed and the chops are getting harder! Jericho DECKS him between the eyes - and Flair is right back up chopping harder still! Jericho does manage to knock him down with another punch and chokes Flair in the ropes. What on earth did Flair's mother ever do to Chris to merit comments like that? Jericho poses on the top turnbuckle - and Flair catches HIM and throws Jericho to the mat! Now Flair knows THAT satisfaction! We're back to the chops...and Flair backdrops Jericho. WOOOOOO! Belly to back into a cover, no good. "NOOOOOOWWW...WE GO" and I assume he means school. Jericho plays hooky and tries a Liontamer, only to have it reversed into a package, 1, 2, ooooh, that was close! Jericho chops Flair...off the ropes - bulldog! Lionsault misses! CHOP baby! Flair tries a Liontamer, but Jericho pulls out his legs and puts Ric in the Figure Four. JR can't believe anyone would put Flair out in his own move, and neither do I...since EVERY opponent Flair has EVER had has tried it and failed. Flair fights...and fights....and taps out??? Wait - he appeared to have grabbed the ropes at the same time and EVERYONE'S confused. Jericho shoves Robinson for not calling for the bell - and promptly misses a Bossman straddle. Flair chops Jericho who bumps Robinson, allowing room for a lowblow and a Figure Four!!! Jericho's RIGHT in the middle of the ring.....and JESUS CHRIST ALMIGHTY HE SUBMITS!!!!! (10:23) **1/4 Respect for Ric Flair? It...EXISTS? WOOOOO!
On the downside, Flair seemed old. By that I mean older than usual. But whatever happens...Flair is and ALWAYS will be The Man!
PAUL HEYMAN and BROCK LESNAR are backstage. "Brock, did you see that? Hulk Hogan, it's like when a musician dies and the record labels release the "Best Of". The "Best Of Hulk Hogan", why? Because his career is dead. Dead at the hands of you Brock Lesnar. Tonight, it's the same thing with The Rock's title reign, okay? You've gotta take this guy out, you've gotta murder his title reign. Why? Because he's different, he's the Brahma Bull, he's the People's Champ, he's The Rock. You're already inside his head. You're inside his head, half the battle is won. Make no mistake about it - this guy is driven. This guy's gonna come at you with everything he's got. This guy almost feels like HE'S the challenger. Like he's the underdog. Take advantage of it, hit him, hit him hard, and take him out early, and you'll leave tonight as the undisputed heavyweight champion of the world. You are the next big thing, and tonight the next big thing will arrive!" Evil grins all around!
EDDIE GUERRERO vs. EDGE
Eddie's in rudo mode tonight - and immediately goes to the full nelson. Edge slips away...and finds himself trapped in a hammerlock! That doesn't last long either, and Eddie's send into the ropes - and promptly dropped. Edge tries to suplex Eddie to the floor - but Eddie lands on the apron and snaps Edge's neck back. Nice reversal! Edge comes right back with a powerslam that scores him a 2. Edge ties Eddie up in the ropes - and spears him! Eddie's STILL stuck and Edge comes again...only this time Eddie's escaped and Edge flies to the floor right onto the shoulder he injured around Judgement Day. Edge starts REALLY selling the shoulder - and Eddie's on it like a shark who smells blood! Edge gets sent into the ringsteps, and is rolled in. Eddie follows and stomps all over it. Edge tries to get rid of Eddie - but Eddie grabs the shoulder and takes him right down! Eddie dances to the top and DDT's the shoulder - assuming it was possible and I assure you it is! I just saw it. Back to the hammerlock on HARD. Edge reaches for the ropes and makes it...so Eddie ignores the rules and kicks the shit out of the shoulder! Dead centre of the ring we are...and the hammerlock is re-applied with a chinlock as well. The referee checks the arm to see if he's alive...and on the third try he IS alive. Edge throws Eddie over his shoulders - and Eddie is right back on Edge again with an armbar. They stand - Eddie hits a belly to back suplex where the momentum is on Edge's shoulder. This is incredibly cool! Edge tries anything to get away - and gets clotheslined. Eddie comes off the ropes...and gets powerslammed. Edge's shoulder is feeling that though, but he's still in there. He's using the good arm for clotheslines, and rushes the corner for an avalanche...meeting Eddie's elbow face first! Eddie tries to regain the advantage but is taken down armbar style, but kicks out at the 2! Eddie attempts a suplex, but everything's backfiring now and it's reversed landing him on the floor. Edge goes to the top and flies with the crossbody! He starts selling as soon as he hits though, so you have to imagine he hit the shoulder. They're both back in the ring - Edge to the top - Eddie follows and Edge plants him face first on the mat!!! He's dead! Edge covers...1, 2, EDDIE KICKS OUT! Edge wants a spear...charges...and EDDIE DROPKICKS HIM IN THE FACE WHILE HE'S RUNNING! That looked mighty painful! To the top he goes...Froggie Splash - Edge has the knees in the air anticipating the move...Eddie isn't feeling so good anymore. EDGECUTION! Cover, 1, 2, HOLY SHIT! I figured for sure that was the end! Edge wants another one - but Eddie Northern Lights' him with the bridge, 1, 2, no good! He's right back - neckbreaker, and to the top we go again! Edge is up quick enough to cut him off...but Eddie headbutts the shoulder until Edge falls back and Eddie hits the FROGGIE SPLASH RIGHT ON THE SHOULDER! BEAUTIFUL! 1, 2, NO???? SCREW YOU! Eddie's going NUTS with the attack now! Headbutts, punches, stomps, insanity! He climbs up - maybe he's going Old School??? Doesn't matter, Edge throws him away - Spear, 1, 2, 3!!! (11:47) ***1/4 That was REALLY cool psychology wise.
THE COACH has THE UNAMERICANS backstage. They can't wait to expose Booker T and Goldust as Americans or something.
BOOKER T and GOLDUST vs. THE UNAMERICANS (for the WWE World Tag-Team Titles)
Goldust and Christian start out. Christian gets an ass to the face - and Storm charges in meeting a powerslam head on! Boot to Christian's midsection - Goldust drops down - punch to the face, Christian drops, we have a cover. It only gets 2. Christian escapes and tags in Lance Storm who's taken right down with an armdrag, followed by an inverted atomic drop and clothesline! And here comes Booker! Right, right, whip - back elbow! Storm tries to come right back - but fuhgetaboutit - you're about to meet the 110th Street Slam! Off the ropes...timmmmmmberrrrrrr! Kneedrop right to the skull. Tag in to Goldust. From the second rope the elbow hits. Goldust gets whipped into the ropes - and is met with a knee from Christian to the back. Goldust turns and knocks him off the apron - turning his attention back to Storm. Storm's feeling vicious today though, and throws Goldust right over the top turnbuckle all the way to the floor! That's some good height Dustin got there... Christian wanders over and drives Goldust back first into the security wall and rolls him into the ring. Storm covers, 1, 2, Goldust kicks out. Christian gets tagged in - and feel the heat because the crowd's being patriotic! Christian steps on Goldust's head and throws him in the corner. A taunt to Booker is enough to distract him - and while the referee calms him down the UnAmericans do EVIL THINGS to Goldust! Tag in to Storm. He whips Goldy into the ropes...and 'Dust hangs on while Storm dropkicks NOTHING! Goldust hooks the legs and rolls over in a bridge, 1, 2, Storm to his feet - CHOKESLAM! All in one quick motion, I like it! Christian wants a tag, and so does Booker. Christian's in first...and manages to cut Goldust off. We move to a grounded front face lock to keep him from going anywhere. Goldust tries his damnedest to move back towards the corner...and Christian's slowly moving in that direction with the move still hooked on. Bounce, bounce...we're close. The referee goes to yell at Storm for No Apparent Reason and Goldust is able to backdrop Christian and tag Booker. I think we know where this is going. Indeed - Booker runs roughshed over the foreign invaders until Nick Patrick decides Booker DIDN'T tag in and sends him back to the apron. While he chases Booker away, Storm and Christian kick the crap out of Goldust in their terrorist corner. Storm with a short arm clothesline, cover, 1, 2, Booker breaks it up. Goldust is stuck in the corner but starts to hammer back. Christian gets slingshotted right into Storm, knocking him off the apron and Christian is rolled up...getting 2. JR: "Goldust has been in there a long, long time..." 4 minutes is hazardous to your health apparently. Christian yanks on the leg of Goldust, keeping him from making the tag - and Storm rushes over to Booker's side to yank him off the apron. The chase is on...and Goldust makes the corner to find no one home! Booker RUSHES back and by that point Christian's rolled Goldust back to the middle of the ring! Storm gets a couple of chairs...and I smell a conchairto. So does Goldust however, and he ducks out of the way...when CHAIRSHOTS COLLIDE! The UnAmericans are in TERRIBLE pain from the missed shot - and Goldust runs 'em both over with a clothesline. Goldust MAKES THE TAG! The fans are on their feet with "USA!!!" chants, and I can only imagine somewhere Jim Duggan is smiling. Clotheslines for you, clotheslines for me... Booker T is a house of fire! Flying Jalapeno for Christian! To the top...Missile Dropkick! That's his move! (No it's not.) So what you're telling me is if Booker decides he has a more effective move, such as the BookEnd, suddenly the Missile Dropkick ceases to end matches? (Yup.) Indeed... How sad. Booker is off the ropes...no axekick today, Christian was ready and goes for the Unprettier! Booker shoves him away though and takes him down! Storm FLIES across the ring and accidently nails Nick Patrick with a dropkick! Boot to Lance's midsection - both UnAmericans are bent over like prison bitches...and here comes Bradshaw! (Just kidding) AXEKICK to both guys!!! Can you feel it? Spinaroonie! HARLEM SIDEKICK TO CHRISTIAN! Goldust counts. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8 - COME ON! Wake up Nick! Storm's back in - Booker ducks a belt shot, and Goldust hammers it away from him. Both guys send Storm to the outside, but now TEST is in the ring. Goddammit...Big Boot to Booker. He runs through the crowd, and those USA turncoats PAT HIM ON THE DAMN BACK! Christian drapes an arm over Booker...1...2...3. Fuck. (9:34) **1/2 Booker's pay-per-view record falls to a stellar 2-8.
Over at The World, JAMIE KNOBLE is promising some making out. Not with him of course - NIDIA is turning tricks for fun. SOME GUY is the lucky(?) recipient of some deep tongue kissing while Knoble roots him on. I hope that fellow won't mind spending the rest of his days with a case of oral herpes.
In The Office - ERIC BISCHOFF thinks about what a wonderful addition Nidia would make to the RAW roster. STEPHA...nevermind, my tape sped up.
CHRIS BENOIT vs. ROB VAN DAM (for the WWE Intercontinental Title)
I don't even remember Benoit having held that belt at this point anytime in the past two years or so. I must have already forgotten that title win. RVD starts a kickin', so Benoit knows he has to be a tad careful with a lockup. He's not careful enough though - and gets dropped by a series of shots right to the chest. On his knees - a kick to the head is enough to send Benoit out to the floor. Fans chant "YOU SUCK" at Benoit, and a collection of wieners around the planet burst into tears. Benoit again wants a clean lockup - but RVD's still kickin', so Benoit figures to hell with that shit and there's a dragon screw whip! Benoit floats over and applies a headlock - channelling the spirit of Larry Zbyszko - which is oddly overlooked by the namedropping Jim Ross. RVD shoves him off - but Benoit's right off the ropes with a shoulderblock to take him down. Whip to the corner - Benoit charges in but RVD leaps over him - rolls around the ring for awhile - before leaping to the second turnbuckle and hitting a flying crossbody. 1, 2, Benoit kicks out - back to his feet and there's a standing sidekick right to the jaw! RVD tries to whip Benoit and clothesline him off the momentum, but Benoit rolls - tries a clothesline of his own - but RVD sees that coming, ducks as well - Benoit knows what's next and ducks out of instinct, narrowly avoiding a Harlem Sidekick - and hits a sure German suplex dropping RVD right back on his neck. Great little sequence. Benoit drops an elbow and throws RVD nose first to the middle turnbuckle. Believe it or not - a well timed blow to the nose, generally using the palm of your hand striking on a diagonal angle headed upwards can temporarily blind someone - and if done right, kill them. Benoit knowing this finishes with a short arm clothesline, and gets the pin. Only RVD no sells death - and somehow kicks out at 2. Not seen on camera is Triple H doing a spit take (which the other wrestlers interpreted as warming up and didn't think twice about it) upon realizing his gimmick has been infringed upon - and immediately went to find Vince McMahon to demand a punishment match with RVD. McMahon decided that the tradeoff would be RVD's heat (with the fans) for RVD's heat (with management) - leading to no heat, would be a reasonable punishment. True story! I think it was broken by Mr. Tito...or maybe The Onion. Benoit hits a backbreaker which gets two - and then follows it up by stomping on the back. Snap suplex - JR: That's Pure Dynamite! - Tom Billington: Get it at better bookstores everywhere! - cover, 1, 2, kickout. Benoit puts on an armbar/shoulder submission thing (it probably has a cool name in Japan) - RVD manages to shrug him off - but Benoit takes him back down again with the double forearm. Benoit sets up a suplex - but he's cradled by RVD, 1, Benoit escapes. A chop is ducked, and turned into a backslide - 1, 2, Benoit gets a shoulder up - back to his feet - holy shit a monkey flip without a corner!!! Benoit's not shaken though and takes RVD back down with the double forearm. Chris is either sporting a lovely shade of lipstick, or is bleeding from the mouth. Get that abscessed tooth looked at already! You'd think having lost ONE would tip you off that IT WON'T HEAL ON ITS OWN! Benoit rams RVD face first to the top turnbuckle - and now we're going to the chops. More Flair respect! The only way this night could be any better is seeing Flair put Stephanie in the figure four and leave her in a wheelchair, unable to work the day to day operations. Will the WWE give this fan what he wants? Stay tuned! Whip across the ring - Benoit charges but RVD gets his boot up and nails Chris in the jaw! Up top, split legged moonsault! Benoit was ready though, gets the boots up - RVD's water breaks, and he rolls around the ring holding his belly. Benoit with the Arn Anderson thumb to your throat - because Arn is Ric's best friend and this is respect for Ric Flair night. Flying headbutt MISSES. Spinning legdrop from Van Dam does not. To the top - Five Star Frog Splash ALSO misses! Dead centre of the ring...Crippler Crossface! We've seen two tapouts tonight...is this the third? Backstage, STEPHANIE HAS to add "Get 'em Benoit" with all of the emotion you could imagine being displayed by say...a hooker crying for joy while riding a foul smelling 86 year old man on Viagra. I think this match just lost a star. Chop, boot to the midsection, right hand to the head, Van Dam MAKES FACES!!! Somewhere in here RVD winds up on the top rope facing the crowd, so Benoit does the smartest thing ever and gives him a shove. And THAT right there is why RVD isn't main eventing. He's leaving big wide openings to take advantage of. Even I couldn't have screwed THAT up! (Wrestling is a work you know... Benoit told him to go up there.) Hey, if he's listening to what Benoit's telling him to do - then he's dumber than he looks because he just hit the security wall chest first. On the floor, Benoit puts on a hammerlock and throws Van Dam shoulder first into the shoulder post. I can actually hear Dusty Rhodes saying "he's unclin' the shouldah Tony!" For some reason, and I suspect it's JR, I really miss Dusty right now. Back in the ring - shoulderbreak, elbow drop, stomp. Benoit puts RVD right in the middle of the ring and slaps him. He then challenges RVD to a dual - right there on the spot! RVD declines, and takes a double forearm right to the shoulder as punishment. Cover from Benoit, 1, 2, RVD kicks out and the fans are BOOING??? "Asshole" chant starts - which undoubtedly means one thing: REAL HLA was being performed until Jamal and Rosie got rowdy. Surfboard style submission - but Rob is hanging on for dear life. JR compares this to being in the electric chair, having been sent there SO many times himself. RVD powers out...almost. Benoit turns it right back around and kicks RVD in the back. Now he crosses RVD's arms and CHOKES RVD out! That move has a name! I don't know the name! RVD manages to roll away and put that same move on Benoit! Benoit gets out of it quickly enough, but falls prey to a legsweep. Off the ropes - Rolling Thunder MISSES AND RIGHT INTO THE CROSSFACE AGAIN! Once again - dead centre... RVD elbows Benoit in the face - so Benoit rolls him right back - 1, 2, RVD kicks out. Hammerlock - RVD's stuck...and is thrown directly into the ring post! Another hammerlock - from the front, into a Northern Lights suplex - Benoit floats the bridge over onto his belly - forever holding on and hits a second Northern Lights!!!!! Holy shit, he's going for three! It hits...and Benoit picks up Van Dam...right into the Crossface! This should be it. RVD DOESN'T tap - tries to make the ropes, so Benoit adjusts and puts on a dragon sleeper on the side closest to the ropes! HAH! But alas - RVD just won't quit, and puts on a Crossface of his own. Benoit escapes fairly quickly and again goes to the double forearm smash. Benoit punches RVD in the head, leading to one idiot in the crowd, who has NO idea why he's doing so, audibly yelling WOOOOOOOOO on each shot. RVD comes back with a springboard heel kick, covers, 1, 2, Benoit kicks out. Step over sidekick, Rolling Thunder, cover, 1, 2, kickout. The comeback is on. Whip to the corner, shoulderblock to the ribs, Benoit tries a clothesline which RVD ducks and counters with a standing sidekick, cover, 1, 2, shoulder up. RVD rolls forward for the monkey flip - which Benoit blocks and puts RVD on the top. RVD STANDS UP and for the second time tonight gets shoved, but this time it's all nuts. Benoit tries a superplex, which RVD reverses in midair with a crossbody - back up - Five Star Frogsplash - goodnight! (16:28) ****1/2 Great match! Benoit was feeling it tonight...
ERIC BISCHOFF is still in The Office, and brags about the Intercontinental Championship coming back to RAW. Someone else might have had something to say but I was too busy doing anything else.
TEST vs. THE UNDERTAKER
Oh fuck, you KNEW they had to stick Test on the card somewhere. It's just that time of the year for his BIG GIANT PUSH THAT WILL INEVITABLY FAIL. With that comment, BrewGuy plots my death. Or cultivates a plan that will involve a great drugging to someday enjoy the greatness of Horse Face. JR: "Test has been living on the unlimited potential line for a long time." Remember when Test had that match with Shane McMahon that all the kidz were talking about the next day? Remember how he was supposed to be World Champion by the end of 1999? Remember how he was stood up at the alter, and then Big Bossman broke his nose? That was great. Maybe he'll run in and do it again. Actually, despite all that, I don't like Test. Without Shane Douglas or Vampiro around I need to find someone I really want rid of, and it may as well be him. Actually, I have a funny story about Douglas. A friend of mine pissed him off... At an ECW show years ago, he actually wound up backstage. Met several of the wrestlers - and when introduced to Douglas asked him if he was related to Lex Luger. The idea of Shane hearing that and losing his mind is enough to make me forgive Test for sucking and watch this match. Test takes Taker down with a shoulderblock - comes off the ropes and Taker LEAPFROGS HIM! Who the hell says white men can't jump? Holy shit! Hiptoss. Armdrag, Test comes back with knees to the midsection, whips him off the ropes, but Taker hits a flying clothesline. Cover, 1, 2, Test kicks out. Armdrag, and I think the heat just rose in my apartment. So...Dead Undertaker causes the temperature to fall, Tobacco Undertaker causes the heat to rise. Well - I'll show you! I'll turn on my fan! (And I don't mean Pieman) We're going Old Skool! Test grabs the nearest thing he can (in this case, a referee) and shoves it into the ropes, causing Taker to crotch himself. CALL FOR A DQ! END THIS MATCH! It doesn't come. Running forearm - and Taker is knocked off the apron to the security wall. They trade blows on the floor - and Test whips Taker knee first into the steps, and it looks like he legitimately trips and if not careful could have hurt himself. There's another reason to hate Test - sloppy Irish whips! Back in, Test throws punches. Running he drives Taker into the corner and hits Kevin Nash elbows. STOP PRETENDING YOU ARE NASH - HE'S TWICE THE MAN YOU ARE - AND YOU HAVE HALF THE BRAIN HE DOES. Running clothesline in the corner. Test feigns nothing, JR calls it arrogance. Christ, if he's having THAT hard a time, at least give him a bottle of perfume with the attitude he's supposed to be displaying on it. So THAT'S why William Regal was added - to teach them how to make faces! Clothesline into an armbar. Taker fights out and hits a belly to back suplex. Elbow misses - they trade punches and PICK A WINNER AND BE GONE! DDT from Taker, 1, 2, crud. Taker is required to go Old Skool - beats up on Test some more - Snake Eyes - misses the big boot, and Test gets the momentum back. Luckily the pumphandle fails - Taker tries a Chokeslam, he gets elbowed away - Test's Big Boot misses - and now we hit the Chokeslam. Cover, 1, 2, Test kicks out. LANCE STORM and CHRISTIAN make appearances, Taker kills them all, Test hits the Big Boot, 1, 2, Taker kicks out. Test goes crazy. He grabs a chair and gets into a shoving match with the referee. Test winds up winning - but Taker kicks the chair into his face - TOMBSTONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 1, 2, 3! (8:18) *1/4 Taker waves a flag upside up - and the fans eat a hot dog and apple pie.
SHAWN MICHAELS vs. TRIPLE H (in a Street Fight)
Shit, I can't find my bible. Anyone know what Philippians 4:15 is? I hope it's something filthy, like Deuteronomy 23:1... Go look it up. I discovered that one at a SYNOD group meeting about 6 years ago. What is with all the "Pork" signs??? I've spotted at least 3. HBK wastes no time laying in the rights. Triple H tries to throw Shawn to the floor, but Shawn's quicker than a hiccup (hah - JR didn't even use his own cliché!) and is back in right away. Off the ropes - Triple H knocks Shawn down, but Shawn sends H over the ropes right away. Plancha! He didn't trip this time, that's a plus. Shawn sends Triple H into the ring post head first - they both roll in - they both roll out - and Shawn clotheslines Triple H. Shawn goes looking under the ring for something and discovers...a trash can. He can't use the lid before Triple H drops Shawn belly first on the wall. Triple H back in - Shawn to the apron - Hunter wanders over and gets clocked with the lid! Shawn skins the cat! Clothesline. Garbage can to the head! Shawn to the top rope...double axehandle blow between the eyes. Shawn starts warming up the band...but not yet - Hunter ducks and hits a nasty looking backbreaker. The crowd felt that. Earl Hebner wants Shawn to call it a night. Make it two backbreakers! See Test - THAT is how to emote. Shawn has a severely pained look on his face. Triple H whips Shawn to the corner, and Shawn goes in back first. Another whip, and Shawn again goes in back first, landing right in front of Hunter who tells him to SUCK IT and gives him a crotch chop. Knee to the face. Triple H drops three elbows to Shawn's back, hooks the leg, 1, 2, Shawn kicks out. JR: "The WWE wants nothing to do with this match." Aside from promoting it, selling tickets to it, selling it on PPV, and later on DVD and video, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! Triple H grabs a chair and slams Shawn over the back. Into a cover, 1, 2, kick out. Shawn tries to fight back with some half hearted punches - Triple H tries a vertical suplex, but Shawn winds up landing on his feet - running Triple H into the ropes into a rollup, 1, 2, Triple H shoves him off. Irish whip...Triple H catches him with a facebuster. Triple H places the chair - unopened - in the middle of the ring - puts Shawn under his arm with Earl Hebner PLEADING with him not to...and DDT's Shawn HARD onto it! Cover, 1, 2, shoulder up. And we have ourselves a gushing forehead. Triple H pulls Shawn's belt off from around his waist and starts whipping him with it. I don't even want to imagine how that feels. Triple H wraps it around his fist and punches Shawn in the head repeatedly. Hunter rolls out to the floor and starts looking around under the ring, coming up with nothing. Shawn tries to pull himself to his feet - and NOW Triple H has found it... The sledgehammer introduces itself. Shawn kicks and punches Hunter in the gut to avoid getting nailed with it - and Triple H drops it in the corner. He does manage an Irish whip on Shawn though, that sends him again HARD to the corner, and puts on an abdominal stretch. JR is almost in tears now. Hunter uses the ropes for leverage which is legal, but Earl breaks it anyway and they get into a shoving match over it. Triple H actually backs down. WUSS! This is EARL HEBNER in a STREET FIGHT. Kill him. I never want to see Earl again. He's holding back Charles Robinson. Triple H places Shawn on the top rope - but can't get a superplex as Shawn shoves him back down hard. Shawn slowly gets to his feet, holding his back - but Triple H shoves Earl into the ropes and Shawn is now in an inverted tree of woe. CHAIR SHOT TO THE BACK! Now it's set up mid ring - and PUTS SHAWN RIGHT THROUGH THE THING! Hunter covers, 1, 2, Shawn kicks out. Another quick, desperate looking cover, 1, 2, kickout, re-hooks the leg without hesitation, 1, 2, kickout. Triple H figured that was it for sure - and stomps the shit out of the broken chair trying to get it back to usefulness as a flat weapon. Triple H drops Shawn back first onto the chair - covers, 1, 2, kickout. JR starts screaming to "FAST COUNT HIM EARL!" and I'm awaiting Vince to show up to tell him to "RING THE FUCKING BELL!". Another cover, 1, 2. Make it three, 1, 2, kickout. Fans: "HBK!" Hunter sets up Shawn for a Pedigree right over the chair - and the fans are screaming. Shawn drops down...uppernut!!! Both guys are down. Shawn slowly pulls himself to his feet - and Triple H grabs the chair again. SWEET CHIN MUSIC RIGHT BACK ON THE CHAIR! JR and Lawler figure that's it! Another now Hunter's drenched in blood. Both guys stagger...and Shawn hammers in a few punches. A whip is reversed by Hunter - Shawn comes off with a flying jalapeno...AND NIPS RIGHT UP!!! He's bouncing and the fans are going nuts with him!!!! RIGHT, RIGHT, WHIP, BACKDROP! Shawn has the chair - and CLOCKS HUNTER! Shawn whips Hunter who Flair flips to the floor - and walks out to hammer him with the trash can lid! Shawn has his belt back - but he doesn't need to keep his pants up! He's whipping Hunter like a Government Turtle, and then blasts him with the garbage can. "WE WANT TABLES!" Nasty trash can lid shot across the face! Shawn grabs Hugo's (from the Spanish announce team) shoe and smacks Triple H in the face! Bulldog into the steel steps! A big smile on his face...Shawn grabs a ladder!!!! He runs it right into Triple H's face and starts driving 'em in the kidney area! The ladder is setup against the ring apron - he tries a whip - Hunter reverses but Shawn stops himself and catapults Triple H into it! Triple H is rolled in, Shawn covers, 1, 2, no! Shawn starts to bring the ladder in - but Triple H baseball slide dropkicks it back into Shawn's midsection. Hunter rolls Shawn into the ring and climbs to the top rope - but Shawn cuts him off! Superplex! Cover, 1, 2, the shoulder is up. Whip is reversed - Shawn comes off and flies around into a crucifix position, then drops down into the sunset flip - pulls Hunter down, 1, 2, NO! Shawn comes off the ropes - but takes the knee to the face. Cover, 1, 2, Shawn gets his shoulder up! Hunter's had enough, and gets the steps. Shawn waits...and with a drop toe hold sends Triple H onto it face first! And now, giving the fans what they want...we have a table! Shawn knocks down Triple H - and sets it up outside the ring! Shawn smacks Hunter over the head with a fire extinguisher - Triple H falls on the table...and Shawn heads to the top tunbuckle - stopping on the way to tell us he's lost his mind! BIG SPLASH FROM THE TURNBUCKLE TO THE OUTSIDE THROUGH THE TABLE! Shawn's okay! He gets the ladder from the otherside and sets it up - while Hunter rolls over in the middle of the ring and dies. Shawn starts the climb...gives us a sign that he loves each and every one of us - and DROPS AN ELBOW FROM THE TOP! He's still with us!!! And HE'S WARMING UP THE BAND! STOMP! STOMP! SWEET CHIN MUSIC IS BLOCKED - TRIPLE H WITH A KICK - PEDIGREE IS REVERSED INTO A BRIDGE, ONE, TWO, THREE!!!! (27:18) ***** MATCH OF THE YEAR!
Shawn kisses Earl Hebner (EWWWWW! ANY OTHER REFEREE!) but then Hunter nails him with a sledgehammer right in the back. Shawn on one knee is pained...so Hunter clocks him once more over the back to finish him off. Shawn Michaels is dead. Triple H smiles and gives Shawn a crotch chop. The arena wants him dead. Absolutely brilliant bit of booking.
HOWARD FINKLE has something he wants to get off his chest. He wants to tell us that this is the first PPV he's announced since Wrestlemania 2 - and that's because of commitment. And even with baseball on strike, we'll always have The Fink. TRISH STRATUS joins us. Hearing Howard say "Long Island skanks" is TOO funny. Trish wants to apologize and tells Howard he has a sexy voice. Howard tells Trish that she has the Puppies and he has the Wiener. They start with a hug. And then LILLIAN GARCIA appears and tells of Howard - slaps him - and kicks him in the family jewels. And thus ends that stupid angle that proceeded to get no one over.
JR and Lawler sign off for the night.
And the main event is here... The buildup is eerily similar to Austin vs. The Rock from X-7. Both men HAVE to win, it's all about the belt, and they didn't face off once in any kind of tag-team matches prior to this one.
BROCK LESNAR (with Paul Heyman) vs. THE ROCK (for the WWE World Heavyweight Title)
Rocky lies the belt down at the top of the ramp and dances behind it. Brock in the ring is all grins - also dancing. Rock rushes the ring and nails tons of rights to kick it off. Brock isn't phased at all - hitting a belly to belly overhead throw - pulling Rocky to the middle, 1, 2, kickout. Fans: "Rocky sucks!" Uhhh...that's a little strange. Backbreaker - holding on - backbreaker! Cover, 1, 2, kickout. Fans: "Rocky! Rocky!" Lesnar drives himself into Rocky's midsection in the corner - and knocks Rocky out of the ring. While Lesnar distracts the ref, Heyman gets in a cheap shot. Brock heads out - and drives Rocky over the security railing into the crowd. Brock drops him down on the railing again, and clotheslines him back to the ringside area. We're witnessing an absolute murder. Belly to belly overhead - cover, 1, 2, kickout. Rocky fires back with a couple of punches - but coming off the ropes Heyman trips him up! Lesnar immediately drops elbows and stomps. Lesnar distracts the ref - and Heyman chokes Rocky out. Rocky stands - tries to hammer in some shots, and succeeds. Off the ropes - Brock telegraphs the backdrop - and Rocky kicks him in the chest. The fans are booing. Rocky comes forward - powerslam! 1, 2, kickout. Fans: "ROCKY SUCKS!" There's no mistake about it now... Lesnar again powers himself into Rocky's midsection - finishing with a big one with some momentum behind it. Lesnar wants another big one - but Rocky sidesteps and Lesnar crashes into the post shoulder first. The fans are booing heavily - and are siding 100% with Brock tonight. And I can't for the life of me figure out WHY. Against Austin, sure, I get it... Against Hollywood Hogan, again, I get it. Brock Lesnar? Belly to back suplex. Both men nip up simultaneously. Rocky attacks - tries a running forearm but Brock no sells and pounds his chest. Rocky tries another and again it fails. Tazz: "GO LOW!" Good call! He doesn't - but this one knocks Lesnar down. Boot to the midsection, Layeth The Smackdown, 1, 2, Lesnar kicks out. Sharpshooter isn't applied - because Heyman's on the apron and Rocky goes to chase him away. Back to Lesnar - the kick is blocked - and Rocky hits the dragan screw leg whip - right into the Sharpshooter! "LET'S GO LESNAR!" He's stuck hard though, right in the middle, and Heyman HAS to get on the apron. Rocky feels his presence - gets a REALLY pissed off look on his face, and goes over to finish Heyman. Rocky yanks him into the ring - goes for a Rock Bottom - but Lesnar nails him from behind. Paul heads to the outside, pulling the referee. Brock drives a chair into Rocky's midsection - and applies the bearhug! Rocky tries to hammer out - but Lesnar picks him up (Tazz: Holy shit!) and drops him back with a massive belly to back. Lesnar applies a gutwrench - rocks Rocky back and his shoulders fall, 1, 2, Rocky gets 'em up but Lesnar hangs on. The shoulders are down again, 1, he rolls away. Lesnar squeezes...and squeezes...and Rocky appears to pass out. The referee checks the arms. 1....2...The Rock keeps his arms up the third time and the fans are booing. Rock hammers out - and now they're chanting "ROCKY!" Heyman again distracts the referee - but this time Rocky takes advantage and gets in a low blow! Brock gets back to his feet though and drives Rocky back first into the turnbuckle - then charges with the shoulderblock to the ribs again. Another charge - but Rocky hits a clothesline! Right, right, right, right, spit punch - and a right knocks Lesnar over the top rope to the floor. The fans are booing one second and cheering the next. It's really really weird. Rocky drives Lesnar to the steel steps over and over - and then takes apart the Spanish announce table. Heyman tries to sneak up on The Rock - and gets decked. Brock attacks, but Rocky ducks and clotheslines Brock instead. Rocky signals for a catapult - and indeed hits one with Brock head first hitting the post. Rock Bottom to Paul Heyman through the table!!!!!! Rocky rolls Brock back into the ring - and is ready for another Rock Bottom! It hits! Cover, 1, 2, Brock kicks out!! Rocky talks to himself - looking really really lost. He smells something - but before he can act, Lesnar pops up and hits a Rock Bottom! Cover, 1, 2, Rocky kicks out!!! They both get up at the same time - Rocky whips Lesnar into the ropes and hits the spinebuster! Off comes the wristband - Brock pops up before the People's Elbow and clothesline's him! F5 DOESN'T work - as Rocky lands on his feet and hits punches - Brock blocks a Rock Bottom - blocks a second - F5 MIDDLE OF THE RING!!! 1, 2, 3!!!! (16:00) **** Ladies and gentlemen, we have a NEW youngest ever WWE Champion!
Tazz: "Who in the hell will be able to stop The Next Big Thing?"
Cole: "Brock Lesnar has climbed the mountain in just 5 short months. This monster is on top of the world. The Next Big Thing has arrived!"
Total Matches: 8
I'm sorry - did I just read an AVERAGE of 3.31 stars PER MATCH??? This is hands down the BEST WWE card I've ever seen, and it's nice to know throughout all the bullshit we've endured throughout the past 18 months, that once in awhile they're capable of bringing intriguing storylines and some good hard hitting wrestling back to the federation. Or in this case, put the E in the WWE.
Don't think twice about it - pick this badboy up YESTERDAY.