RADICAL'S SURVIVOR SERIES 2000 RANT
Well, it's time for this year's Survivor Series, which means it's time for me to BITCH! I haven't been out on this public forum for quite a while, so there's gonna be a lotta non-PPV bits sandwiched in this rant, as I got some burnin' issues that I need to get off my chest. Well, without further ado, here we go...
Opening Match: T&A & Trish Vs. Crash, Molly Holly, and Rock Til He Drops, Rock Rock Never Stop Steve Blackman: May I once again say, Molly is fine. Albert starts with Blackman and goes for a big fat hairy charge, but Blackman moves and trips him. Crash gets the tag and eats a big fat hairy clothesline, then Albert tags Trish. Juh? Trish attempts a low blow which goes awry, hitting Albert instead, and Molly tags in. Here comes the spot that's ALWAYS in mixed tag matches-one woman sprints away from the other, and then quickly makes the tag, in this case leaving Molly against Test. Crash tags in and it's BEATDOWN CITY as Test works the little guy over with some basic offence. Crash eventually slips outta a Meltdown from Test, and Trish tags in. She misses an elbowdrop on Crash, and Molly gets the hot tag, and it's a pier six-Katie, bar the door. Blackman and Crash brawl with T&A on the floor, and Molly sunset flips Trish off the top for the pin. Nothing to see here-they wasted Blackman's natural charisma and Shawn Michaels-like wrestling ability by standing him on the apron.*1/2.
Roadie's in with a bodyslam for a two count on Saturn. Saturn puts him down and tags Eddie, who comes in with the ~SLINGSHOT SENTON~! The Radz beat Dogg down but he breaks free and hits the Jook Jive Wobbly Wobbly Get Rowdy Rowdy Bowdy Bowdy With My Baby Tonight punches. Guerrero ducks the big left and dropkicks the knee, and does the sensible thing-he tags Malenko. These four guys are so good together it's scary. Malenko works the leg like the mofo he is, and Eddie tags in, hitting another another slingshot senton, this time to Roadie's knee. He goes up top but gets superplexed down, as JR tells us that "We never leave November without something to Remember". Could this mean a secret alliance with ECW? Tune in next week, same Yoekl Time, same Yokel Channel. Speaking of yokels, Rockabilly gets the tag. Radz beat him down as Eddie taunts the crowd, but Assman fights free and gets a press slam and a sleeper neckbreaker to eliminate Eddie.
Saturn's in and he's ALL OVER Gunn (no, not like that, you pervs), then Malenko tags in and works him over. K-Kwik tags in and ROCKS THE CASBAH, hitting a charge in the corner and backflipping out. Chyna, take notes. Benoit comes in and Kwik gets a SUH-WEET heel kick, an excellent rana and a Japanese armdrag (who was the last guy to use THAT in the WWF?), but Benoit ducks a clothesline and gets a German suplex for the pin.
Three way beatdown ensues and Benoit lowbridges Gunn, sending him to the floor. Everyone beats on him but back in the ring a Saturn superkick catches Benoit by mistake, and Gunn hits a FameAsser on Malenko to eliminate him. Fucked-up Jackhammer on Saturn, but Benoit breaks it up. Saturn tags him and Benoit hits Air Canada, but Gunn kicks out of the pin. SuperOne comeback and Benoit gets sent to the floor. Gunn goes to suplex him back in, and in the most tired and overused spot ever, Saturn holds his leg and Benoit gets the pin. Good match! ***1/4. Survivors: Perry Saturn and Chris Benoit.
Kane gets back on offence in the ring with a tilt-a-whirl for a nearfall, then he chokes Jericho in the corner. Jericho attempts a comeback but gets flapjacked for his troubles. More choking abounds, and Jericho slips out of a belly-to-back-so Kane clotheslines his head off. Jericho seems determined to get some actual offence in, so he dodges a charge in the corner, and Kane chastises him with a big boot. To add a bit of variety, Kane chokes him. What a talent. Business picks up when Kane yanks a turnbuckle cover, exposing the TINY STEEL RING OF DOOM, but Jericho stops himself going face-first into it. Kane throws him over the top rope by the throat.
Kane gets up, of course, and goes for a Tombstone Of Death, but Jericho counters by reminding him that it's banned and rams his head into the exposed turnbuckle for two. Walls Of Jericho, but Kane sells it like Giant Gonzalez, completely killing the move. He makes the ropes, so jericho dulldogs him and goes for the Lionsault, but Kane catches him by the throat and chokeslams him for the pin. What the fuck was the point of this feud? Kane's big and scary, we get it already. **.
Rikishi pounds Rock in the corner but Rocky reverses it and punches away, but gets sidewalk slammed for two. Irish whip attempt by Rikishi but Rocky sends him to the floor. Brawl to kill some time, with the Rock dominating, and the ref gets bumped. Rikishi tosses Rock back in the ring and grabs the PLASTIC SLEDGEHAMMER OF DEATH, but Rocky blocks and hits Rock Bottom. Cover, and the ref eventually gets a two count. More punching, and Rikishi headbutts him down and hits a SAMOAN HEADBUTT OF PAIN out of the corner. Rock fights back but gets Samoan dropped and sat on for a two count. Corner splash, and the Stinkface! Big heel heat for that one. Rock comes out of the corner with a big clothesline, and Rikishi tries a minicomeback, but falls prey to the Roody Poo Spinebuster. A People's Elbow and a LOT of stalling later, Rock gets the pin.***. Post match, Rikishi goes nuts, crushing the Rock with FOUR consecutive Bonzai drops. Atta boy!
Undertaker pulls the ropewalk outta mothballs for old time's sake, and Angle bails. I'll take this opportunity to comment on taker's pants. I'm not quite sure what the Hell they are-gold or snakeskin-but they are the WORST pair of pants I have EVER seen in wrestling. And yes, I am counting Koko B. Ware. Back to the match and Angle gets a German suplex(!) for a two count. Taker clotheslined to the floor, but he catches Angle off the apron and drives him into the ringpost. Back in the ring for more domination, but Angle dodges a big boot and goes to work on the knee.
And works and works and works it. Taker eventually catches him off the ropes with an armbar(!!). Edge and Christian run in and prevent the tap, and Angle goes back to the knee with a leglock. Taker eventually breaks and lays out Edge and Chrisitan on the floor. Chokeslam for Angle in the ring, but it only gets two. Don't take that as Angle being tough, folks-the ref was busy throwing Edge and Christian out. Angle rolls Taker up for two, so Taker puts him in his place with nearfalls off a clothesline and a legsweep.
Figure Four leglock on Taker, but he rolls through and Angle makes the ropes. Suh-weet tilt-a-whirl by Taker gets two. Angle chops him down, drags Taker to the corner-and gets the ringpost figure four! BRET LIVES! Ref forces him to break it and Taker beats Angle senseless for another two count. Angle with a bodyslam attempt, but Taker turns it into a Tombstone attempt, but Angle blocks by whispering to Taker that it's banned and drops out onto the ring apron. Taker knocks him off and Angle scurries under the ring. Taker drags him out and hits the Last Ride (after one fucked-up attempt), but Hebner stops at two. Taker jaws with him, and just as it occurs to me what's going on the REAL Angle rolls in and gets a handful of tights for the three count. That's right, folks-they used the Doouble Doink ending.***. Post match we quite clearly see that the fake Angle is Eric Angle, Kurt's brother, and Kurt himself hightails it from the arena in a car he apparently stole.
Elimination Match: Edge, Christian, Bull Buchanan and The Goodfather w/The Colonel and his Eleven Secret Herbs And Spices Vs. The Hardy Boyz and The Dudley Boyz: Jeff's wearing a shirt that's ten sizes too big for him, and D-Von seems hepped up on goofballs. Buh Buh starts with Bull, nothing to see here. Tag to D-Von and Goodfather-racial injustice, dunno why-and Goodfather chokes him then tags Christian. D-Von gets his swinging slop drop and tags Matt-and it's BREAKIN' LOOSE IN TULSA! The faces clear the ring after a quadruple DDT spot, and in a cute bit of team spirit the Hardys take their shirts off to reveal Dudley camouflage underneath. Moments later Edge gets an Edge-O-Matic (inverted X-Factor, also known as the Oscar at one point-mail me about it)to eliminate Matt. D-Von in with a double clothesline on Edge and Christian, but he gets Impaled by Christian and the faces go down to two on four. Buh Buh in with a backdrop for Christian, and Jeff hits a moonsault, but the heels distract him and Christian sends him into the ringpost. Tag to Bull, and the usual beatdown ensues.
Jeff eventually dodges a corner squash and tags Buh Buh. Bodyslam for Bull, sidewalk slam for Goodfather, backdrop for Christian, and he cons Edge into spearing Bull, alllowing the pin. So it's three on two now. Edge runs straight into a full nelson atomic drop, and suddenly it's all even at two on two. That lasts all of thirty seconds as Goodfather DVDs Buh Buh to eliminate him. So Jeff's facing two guys-which means he's going over.
Jeff gets a quick elimination on Christian after running into the ringpost and delivering a swanton, seemingly screwing his arm up in the process. Goodfather attempts a Censor Train, but Jeff ducks. Val jumps on the apron but his Extra Crispy clothesline hits Goodfather by mistake, and Jeff gets the pin. Gotta love those Survivor Series finishers.**. Post match TTC beat the Holy Hell outta Jeff, but Matt and the Duds return and make merry with tables. Legdrop through a table for Sanders, Buh Buh Bomb through a table fro Steven, whee.
Main Event, No Holds Barred: Triple H Vs. No Sell Steve Austin: May I just say that Trip's new theme sucks ina ll kinds of ways. Brawl to start, duh, and Austin takes charge with a reverse elbow. Choke on the middle rope, but Trip gets a thumb to the eye and slams him into the turnbuckle. Kneelift puts Austin back in the driver's seat (sorry-bad word choice) and lays in some kicks and punches. Hunter eventually gets a facebuster-ON THE KNEE-to come back, but Austin hits the Lou Thesz Press and a BMF Elbow. Trip bails and Austin beats him up the aisle. They brawl to the entrance area and Trip throws Austin over a table then hits him with a bit of metal. Ouch. Austin comes back but goes for a suplex-you FOOL, that move is NOT in your repertoire-and Trip reverses it. Back down the aisle and Austin goes into the STEEL steps. Brawl over to the announce table and Austin whips Trip into the steps to take charge.Monitor shot for Triple H and Hunter bleeds like Corino, then Austin smacks him with his beer cooler and drinks a cold one. I mean "drinks" in the Austin sense of the word there. Beer can to the head! Austin slams Trip's head repeatedly into the steps, and when Earl objects Steve casually flips him a finger. Hah.
Back in the ring and Trip gets a few punches in and a low blow, but Steve has no penis, as evidenced by this shrugging off of it. He goes for a Stunner but HUnter turns it into a neckbreaker. That's kinda insane. Trip works the throat and gets two off of a clothesline. Another neckbreaker gets a nearfall. Austin gets a spinebuster to come back but misses a second rope elbow. Trip chokes him and they hit the floor, where of course Austin kicks his ass. Trip goes for a Pedigree on the dismantled ringsteps but Austin backdrops him through the announce table. Yeah. Bodyslam for Trip, and back in the ring. Now Trip begs-that ain't his character, guys-but Austin kicks his ass some more, and gets the Stunner. No pin, however, and Austin grabs a chair and goes to Pillmanize the ankle-but changes his mind and puts the chair on Trip's head! Trip (thankfully) escapes, andthey fight to the back, and here's where it gets REALLY silly.
The Radz jump Austin, and all get subdues by the mighty ref corps, except Benoit, who leads Steve into the parking lot. Benoit runs over to Trip-who is conveniently sitting in a car,ready to run Austin down-but when they turn back, Austin's gone! That crazy Rattlesnake! I'd just like to point out that apparently Trip's car is mic'd, allowing us to hear every detail of this dastardly plot. Anyhoo, Dick and Muttley show puzzlement as to where their nemesis has gone, and Muttley disappears to look for him-and that's when Austin strikes. With a forklift. Uh huh. He lifts Trip's car 9with Trip screaming all the way up), and drops it as trip adds a "HOLY SHIIIIIIIIIIT!!" as it drops. What a pile of shit. Triple H would, in fact, be dead after that, if I'm not mistaken, so I think the WWF better point out that he's NOT PDQ. *** for the match, minus four for the awful no-contest, equals -*. Dear God.
Final Thought: well, what started out as a mediocre-to-middling show turned into a real stinkeroo after that lame-ass ending. I was going with Mild Recommendation until that particular incident. Seriously-who's idea was it to borrow from WCW's Junkyard Battle Royal? Vince Russo lives!
Thumbs down for a really, really bad ending that left me swearing for hours afterwards. As always, email me at email@example.com. Go on-I need some cheering up after THAT.