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Ian Challis




Well, it's time for this year's Survivor Series, which means it's time for me to BITCH! I haven't been out on this public forum for quite a while, so there's gonna be a lotta non-PPV bits sandwiched in this rant, as I got some burnin' issues that I need to get off my chest. Well, without further ado, here we go...

  • Opening video package is Triple H giving a Vince-ish interview ("You know nothing yet") that actually got me pretty psyched for a SHOCKING SWERVE. I wish.

  • Comin' atcha liiiiiiive from sunny Tampa, Florida, your hosts are the King and Good Ol' JR. They yak a bit about previous Survivor Series happenings, and Bret Hart's name is dropped about a million times. Ya think he'll be there? Nah.

    Opening Match: T&A & Trish Vs. Crash, Molly Holly, and Rock Til He Drops, Rock Rock Never Stop Steve Blackman: May I once again say, Molly is fine. Albert starts with Blackman and goes for a big fat hairy charge, but Blackman moves and trips him. Crash gets the tag and eats a big fat hairy clothesline, then Albert tags Trish. Juh? Trish attempts a low blow which goes awry, hitting Albert instead, and Molly tags in. Here comes the spot that's ALWAYS in mixed tag matches-one woman sprints away from the other, and then quickly makes the tag, in this case leaving Molly against Test. Crash tags in and it's BEATDOWN CITY as Test works the little guy over with some basic offence. Crash eventually slips outta a Meltdown from Test, and Trish tags in. She misses an elbowdrop on Crash, and Molly gets the hot tag, and it's a pier six-Katie, bar the door. Blackman and Crash brawl with T&A on the floor, and Molly sunset flips Trish off the top for the pin. Nothing to see here-they wasted Blackman's natural charisma and Shawn Michaels-like wrestling ability by standing him on the apron.*1/2.

  • Edge and Christian casually duck Kurt Angle's request for help in his match before he even asks, but Kurt reveals that he needs no help before striding off. Ah, those guys...

  • Tiger Ali Singh and Lo Down attempt to go backstage, but are stopped by a security guy who doesn't recognise them. Much mirth ensues.

  • Elimination Match: Road Dogg Henry Godwinn, K-Kwik, Chyna, and The One Smokin' Billy Gunn Vs. Those Guys w/That Broad: GET ROWDY! Hey, I like it, so sue me. Roadie has his hair in exceptionally stooopid-looking K-Kwik dreads, I should point out. Radicals Colour Scheme Of Tonight: Yellow and Black. Gunn kicks it off against Saturn-who got the BEST line of the night on RAW ("I like fruit!")-and The One beats him down then tags Chyna. Double suplex for Saturn. Some exciting kicking and Chyna powerslams him for a two count. Handspring elbow attempt, but Saturn catches her in a waistlock-and Chyna COMPLETELY blows a nutshot. Saturn sells it like a pro. Forearm for Guerrero and DDT for Saturn. Malenko comes in to break up the pin and a big-ass brawl erupts, allowing Eddie to waylay Chyna with the IC belt, and Saturn pins her. Good-that's the way it should've been.

    Roadie's in with a bodyslam for a two count on Saturn. Saturn puts him down and tags Eddie, who comes in with the ~SLINGSHOT SENTON~! The Radz beat Dogg down but he breaks free and hits the Jook Jive Wobbly Wobbly Get Rowdy Rowdy Bowdy Bowdy With My Baby Tonight punches. Guerrero ducks the big left and dropkicks the knee, and does the sensible thing-he tags Malenko. These four guys are so good together it's scary. Malenko works the leg like the mofo he is, and Eddie tags in, hitting another another slingshot senton, this time to Roadie's knee. He goes up top but gets superplexed down, as JR tells us that "We never leave November without something to Remember". Could this mean a secret alliance with ECW? Tune in next week, same Yoekl Time, same Yokel Channel. Speaking of yokels, Rockabilly gets the tag. Radz beat him down as Eddie taunts the crowd, but Assman fights free and gets a press slam and a sleeper neckbreaker to eliminate Eddie.

    Saturn's in and he's ALL OVER Gunn (no, not like that, you pervs), then Malenko tags in and works him over. K-Kwik tags in and ROCKS THE CASBAH, hitting a charge in the corner and backflipping out. Chyna, take notes. Benoit comes in and Kwik gets a SUH-WEET heel kick, an excellent rana and a Japanese armdrag (who was the last guy to use THAT in the WWF?), but Benoit ducks a clothesline and gets a German suplex for the pin.

  • Side Rant: I'm real pissed off with a lot of the attitudes that I've read today concerning certain points of this match. First off, three or four reviews contain the theory that Benoit carried Kwik to a good sequence here. Not true. This kid went in there, put on an excellent show, and did it ON HIS OWN. How d'you expect people to get ahead when they put on a good show, and all they get is people saying "well course it was good-he was agaisnt BENOIT"? It is possible for a guy to be, y'know, GOOD against Benoit, without saying that Benoit did all the work and carried his opponent. I like Benoit, but some guys need to get their heads outta his ass. And another thing-what's all this crap about Billy Gunn not beign over? The guy gets huge pops, the crowd respond to him. Yes, he sucks in the ring, but if you're gonna criticise him, do it for that, and don't say the crowd doesn't like him. The guy is over right now, period. Stop picking on him.

  • Right, back to the match. Saturn and Malenko work over Roadie and Malenko gets a bodyslam for two. Saturn tags in again-boy, Benoit's sure taking it easy tonight. Brawl brawl brawl, and Saturn gets a Northern Lights suplex for the pin. So it's three on The One.

    Three way beatdown ensues and Benoit lowbridges Gunn, sending him to the floor. Everyone beats on him but back in the ring a Saturn superkick catches Benoit by mistake, and Gunn hits a FameAsser on Malenko to eliminate him. Fucked-up Jackhammer on Saturn, but Benoit breaks it up. Saturn tags him and Benoit hits Air Canada, but Gunn kicks out of the pin. SuperOne comeback and Benoit gets sent to the floor. Gunn goes to suplex him back in, and in the most tired and overused spot ever, Saturn holds his leg and Benoit gets the pin. Good match! ***1/4. Survivors: Perry Saturn and Chris Benoit.

  • Rock's here-and he's ANGRY, BABY. Someone call Kwee Wee-there's some gimmick infringement going down.

  • -Jericho interview. He rags on the smarks again, saying he was at first expecting a Sanka On A Pole Match to end this feud, then does the usual face spiel.

  • Christ Jericho Vs. Kane: Jericho goes right for Kane at the bell and it's ON LIKE NECKBONE. Sorry, Stevie ray moment there. Kane beats Jericho up a little bit, then some more, then for an encore he throws in some punches. Jericho gets in a dropkick that sends Kane to the floor, so Kane takes offence and no-sells Jericho's suicide dive, then beats the sweet merciful crap outta him on the floor. He tosses Jericho in the ring, but that cheeky bastard hits the springboard dropkick and knocks Kane off the apron. Jericho goes back outside and dropkicks the steel steps into Kane's head. JR tells us Jericho is full of spunk. Hey, he's X-Pac 2000!

    Kane gets back on offence in the ring with a tilt-a-whirl for a nearfall, then he chokes Jericho in the corner. Jericho attempts a comeback but gets flapjacked for his troubles. More choking abounds, and Jericho slips out of a belly-to-back-so Kane clotheslines his head off. Jericho seems determined to get some actual offence in, so he dodges a charge in the corner, and Kane chastises him with a big boot. To add a bit of variety, Kane chokes him. What a talent. Business picks up when Kane yanks a turnbuckle cover, exposing the TINY STEEL RING OF DOOM, but Jericho stops himself going face-first into it. Kane throws him over the top rope by the throat.

  • Side Rant: So kane's explanation for his problem with Jericho is that Jericho is pretty. So why the Hell isn't Kane trying to mangle his face up like he said he was going to? Why isn't he bashing his brains out with a chair? Why isn't he shooting those cool fireballs out of his hands anymore? The WWF dropped th ball with Kane a LOOOOOONG time ago, it's time to cut their losses and dump his big non-burnt ass.

  • Back in the match, Kane tosses Jericho around on the floor then throws him back in the ring. Flying lariat attempt, but Jericho crotches him on the top. Kane flatly refuses to get rana's down and he shoves Jericho back to the mat, so Jericho improvises and dropkicks Kane as he leaps off the top. He blocks the big boot and trips Kane up. Taka dropkick, and a missile dropkick gets two for Jericho. For a guy that withstood THREE Tombstones Of Death at WrestleMania XIV, Kane's sure turned into a wussy, girly, prancing flower fairy.

    Kane gets up, of course, and goes for a Tombstone Of Death, but Jericho counters by reminding him that it's banned and rams his head into the exposed turnbuckle for two. Walls Of Jericho, but Kane sells it like Giant Gonzalez, completely killing the move. He makes the ropes, so jericho dulldogs him and goes for the Lionsault, but Kane catches him by the throat and chokeslams him for the pin. What the fuck was the point of this feud? Kane's big and scary, we get it already. **.

  • The Radicals are backstage, no doubt complaining about the food service.

  • European Title Match: William Regal(c) Vs. Hardcore Holly: ~DREAM MATCH~! No, seriously-I LOVE these two. Holly interrupts Regals' pre-match ripping of the Election troubles and beats Regal about a bit, but Regal gets a pair of European uppercuts. Drop toe hold by Regal, but Holly is up quickly and the two fight in the corner. The ref breaks it up, and Regal takes charge, working the arm. Standing armbar, and Holly goes for a suplex (or perhaps the Hollycaust?), but Regal blocks and drops a few knees on the arm. Short arm scissors, and Holly gets to the ropes. Holly bails for a breather, and Regal entertains the crowd with his Royal Wave, then busts out the Real Man's Man Strut. Classic. Holly is the victim of a wristlock back in, but he breaks and gets a crossbody for two, aggravating his arm in the process. Waistlock on Regal, but Regal breaks free with a low blw and returns to working on the arm. Holly comes back and knocks Regal to the floor, then grabs the European Title and smashes Regal with it for the DQ. well, that was a colossal waste. Post-match Holly pounds on Regal some more. Oh please let this feud develop, WWF.**.

  • More backstage wackiness as Trish flirts with Angle, but Kurt remains oblivious and walks off. Oh the comedy.

  • The Rock Vs. Rikishi: Rock must be pissed about being this far down the card. Rikishi enters wearing a FUGLY white dressing gown under his black belt, complete with weird-ass Samoan symbol. I thought they'd dropped the race angle. Rock dominates to start, duh, and grabs a chair from ringside but the ref grabs it. Rikish hits a superkick but that offensive flurry lasts all of twenty seconds as the Rock resumes punching his lights out. Rikishi comes back with an elbow and a big fat Mabelesque legdrop, then goes to work on the ribs. They could've at least taped the ribs up-or would that ruin Rocky's ensemble?

    Rikishi pounds Rock in the corner but Rocky reverses it and punches away, but gets sidewalk slammed for two. Irish whip attempt by Rikishi but Rocky sends him to the floor. Brawl to kill some time, with the Rock dominating, and the ref gets bumped. Rikishi tosses Rock back in the ring and grabs the PLASTIC SLEDGEHAMMER OF DEATH, but Rocky blocks and hits Rock Bottom. Cover, and the ref eventually gets a two count. More punching, and Rikishi headbutts him down and hits a SAMOAN HEADBUTT OF PAIN out of the corner. Rock fights back but gets Samoan dropped and sat on for a two count. Corner splash, and the Stinkface! Big heel heat for that one. Rock comes out of the corner with a big clothesline, and Rikishi tries a minicomeback, but falls prey to the Roody Poo Spinebuster. A People's Elbow and a LOT of stalling later, Rock gets the pin.***. Post match, Rikishi goes nuts, crushing the Rock with FOUR consecutive Bonzai drops. Atta boy!

  • Side Rant: That ending sucked the meat missile. So Rocky hits his signature move, correct? So why not pin him straight away if that was the planned ending? Instead, Rock rolls around, selling how much the Elbow devestated himself, then after about 30 seconds, he rolls over and pins Rikishi. Now that makes Rikishi look weak-a move that is bsically and elbowdrop putting him down for that long? Rock can use the excuse that he was "selling his injuries" all he wants, but I say this: go back to Judgement Day of this year, and check Rocky's final pinfall. Even after an hour, and a LOT of beating, Rock managed to pin Triple H RIGHT AFTER the People's Elbow. Leading up to that he sold his fatigue and cumulative injuries to the max, but that all disappeared after the Elbow hit. So why not do that in this match? We can only wonder. Maybe because he knew he was leaving on his back after the match ended.

  • Hey, it's Raven! And he's in WWF New York! Why isn't he on pay-per-view? Because that might get him over, silly.

  • Triple H enjoys some quality time with the Radicalz. I feel another side rant coming on...

  • Side Rant: This whole "Radicalz respect Triple H" thing is the shoddiest piece of storytelling I've seen in a LONG time. Triple H suddenly turning heel doesn't mean that the other heels befriend him. I thought we were past that crap-it belongs in the eighties. I mean, come ON. Benoit headbutted his wife, for Christ's sake. He beat the crap outta him on numerous occasions. And now suddenly they're friends? What a load of trash. Reminds me of this year's King Of The Ring, where the brackets were painstakingly arranged to make sure it was face vs. heel all the way through, even at the expense of any possible suspense. And how the hell is Benoit gonna get over as the top shelf heel when he's best friends with his biggest rival for that spot? Sheesh.

  • Women's Title Match: Ivory(c) Vs. Lita: Hey, it's the Women's division! Shoot me now. Lita blows some stuff, Ivory blows some stuff, Lita's thong gets over more than Lita, Steven Richards runs in, and Ivory eventually blocks a moonsault with a belt shot to retain.*. Lita bleeds hardway from the eye somewhere in this, but I wasn't really paying attention. Here's a little tip, WWF: rather than wasting any more time, just DUMP THE WOMEN'S DIVISION. No-one cares about, and no-one ever will. Cut your losses and put some wrestling on instead.

  • Rock's selling like a champ in his locker room-apparently. We're refused entry, probably because the Rock refuses to sell on camera. Oh wait, I don't wanna piss anyone off here.

  • Chris Jericho gets some revenge on Kane with a breakaway 2x4 and various other crap backstage. Great way to get the new blood over-"Well, Jericho and Rikishi lost their matches, but look what they did in sneak attacks after them! They MUST be tough!".

  • Kevin Nash stands backstage with Michael Cole and laments the fact that many people believe him to be the Undertaker.

  • WWF Title Match: Kurt Angle(c)Vs. Big Sexytaker: Dear Lord, this is THREE from the top? What the Hell are they thinking? Kurt cuts his typical promo pre-match, bashes the Floridians (that's a theme tonight, apparently), and gets interrupted by the Undertaker. Let the match commence-with a stall. Angle literally stands around for about five minutes, refusing to fight, then finally gets it started with a weak chairshot before the bell. Taker quickly comes back, of course, and hits the ol' big boot and legdrop for the pin. No, wait, this ain't Hulk Hogan. My mistake. Angle kicks out but gets bodyslammed for his efforts. Taker picks him up at two, however. Yeah, way to put over the new talent-insinuate they're out cold after a freakin' bodyslam.

    Undertaker pulls the ropewalk outta mothballs for old time's sake, and Angle bails. I'll take this opportunity to comment on taker's pants. I'm not quite sure what the Hell they are-gold or snakeskin-but they are the WORST pair of pants I have EVER seen in wrestling. And yes, I am counting Koko B. Ware. Back to the match and Angle gets a German suplex(!) for a two count. Taker clotheslined to the floor, but he catches Angle off the apron and drives him into the ringpost. Back in the ring for more domination, but Angle dodges a big boot and goes to work on the knee.

    And works and works and works it. Taker eventually catches him off the ropes with an armbar(!!). Edge and Christian run in and prevent the tap, and Angle goes back to the knee with a leglock. Taker eventually breaks and lays out Edge and Chrisitan on the floor. Chokeslam for Angle in the ring, but it only gets two. Don't take that as Angle being tough, folks-the ref was busy throwing Edge and Christian out. Angle rolls Taker up for two, so Taker puts him in his place with nearfalls off a clothesline and a legsweep.

    Figure Four leglock on Taker, but he rolls through and Angle makes the ropes. Suh-weet tilt-a-whirl by Taker gets two. Angle chops him down, drags Taker to the corner-and gets the ringpost figure four! BRET LIVES! Ref forces him to break it and Taker beats Angle senseless for another two count. Angle with a bodyslam attempt, but Taker turns it into a Tombstone attempt, but Angle blocks by whispering to Taker that it's banned and drops out onto the ring apron. Taker knocks him off and Angle scurries under the ring. Taker drags him out and hits the Last Ride (after one fucked-up attempt), but Hebner stops at two. Taker jaws with him, and just as it occurs to me what's going on the REAL Angle rolls in and gets a handful of tights for the three count. That's right, folks-they used the Doouble Doink ending.***. Post match we quite clearly see that the fake Angle is Eric Angle, Kurt's brother, and Kurt himself hightails it from the arena in a car he apparently stole.

    Elimination Match: Edge, Christian, Bull Buchanan and The Goodfather w/The Colonel and his Eleven Secret Herbs And Spices Vs. The Hardy Boyz and The Dudley Boyz: Jeff's wearing a shirt that's ten sizes too big for him, and D-Von seems hepped up on goofballs. Buh Buh starts with Bull, nothing to see here. Tag to D-Von and Goodfather-racial injustice, dunno why-and Goodfather chokes him then tags Christian. D-Von gets his swinging slop drop and tags Matt-and it's BREAKIN' LOOSE IN TULSA! The faces clear the ring after a quadruple DDT spot, and in a cute bit of team spirit the Hardys take their shirts off to reveal Dudley camouflage underneath. Moments later Edge gets an Edge-O-Matic (inverted X-Factor, also known as the Oscar at one point-mail me about it)to eliminate Matt. D-Von in with a double clothesline on Edge and Christian, but he gets Impaled by Christian and the faces go down to two on four. Buh Buh in with a backdrop for Christian, and Jeff hits a moonsault, but the heels distract him and Christian sends him into the ringpost. Tag to Bull, and the usual beatdown ensues.

    Jeff eventually dodges a corner squash and tags Buh Buh. Bodyslam for Bull, sidewalk slam for Goodfather, backdrop for Christian, and he cons Edge into spearing Bull, alllowing the pin. So it's three on two now. Edge runs straight into a full nelson atomic drop, and suddenly it's all even at two on two. That lasts all of thirty seconds as Goodfather DVDs Buh Buh to eliminate him. So Jeff's facing two guys-which means he's going over.

    Jeff gets a quick elimination on Christian after running into the ringpost and delivering a swanton, seemingly screwing his arm up in the process. Goodfather attempts a Censor Train, but Jeff ducks. Val jumps on the apron but his Extra Crispy clothesline hits Goodfather by mistake, and Jeff gets the pin. Gotta love those Survivor Series finishers.**. Post match TTC beat the Holy Hell outta Jeff, but Matt and the Duds return and make merry with tables. Legdrop through a table for Sanders, Buh Buh Bomb through a table fro Steven, whee.

  • Triple H gives the Radz a rousing motivational talk. I smell no-contest...

    Main Event, No Holds Barred: Triple H Vs. No Sell Steve Austin: May I just say that Trip's new theme sucks ina ll kinds of ways. Brawl to start, duh, and Austin takes charge with a reverse elbow. Choke on the middle rope, but Trip gets a thumb to the eye and slams him into the turnbuckle. Kneelift puts Austin back in the driver's seat (sorry-bad word choice) and lays in some kicks and punches. Hunter eventually gets a facebuster-ON THE KNEE-to come back, but Austin hits the Lou Thesz Press and a BMF Elbow. Trip bails and Austin beats him up the aisle. They brawl to the entrance area and Trip throws Austin over a table then hits him with a bit of metal. Ouch. Austin comes back but goes for a suplex-you FOOL, that move is NOT in your repertoire-and Trip reverses it. Back down the aisle and Austin goes into the STEEL steps. Brawl over to the announce table and Austin whips Trip into the steps to take charge.Monitor shot for Triple H and Hunter bleeds like Corino, then Austin smacks him with his beer cooler and drinks a cold one. I mean "drinks" in the Austin sense of the word there. Beer can to the head! Austin slams Trip's head repeatedly into the steps, and when Earl objects Steve casually flips him a finger. Hah.

    Back in the ring and Trip gets a few punches in and a low blow, but Steve has no penis, as evidenced by this shrugging off of it. He goes for a Stunner but HUnter turns it into a neckbreaker. That's kinda insane. Trip works the throat and gets two off of a clothesline. Another neckbreaker gets a nearfall. Austin gets a spinebuster to come back but misses a second rope elbow. Trip chokes him and they hit the floor, where of course Austin kicks his ass. Trip goes for a Pedigree on the dismantled ringsteps but Austin backdrops him through the announce table. Yeah. Bodyslam for Trip, and back in the ring. Now Trip begs-that ain't his character, guys-but Austin kicks his ass some more, and gets the Stunner. No pin, however, and Austin grabs a chair and goes to Pillmanize the ankle-but changes his mind and puts the chair on Trip's head! Trip (thankfully) escapes, andthey fight to the back, and here's where it gets REALLY silly.

    The Radz jump Austin, and all get subdues by the mighty ref corps, except Benoit, who leads Steve into the parking lot. Benoit runs over to Trip-who is conveniently sitting in a car,ready to run Austin down-but when they turn back, Austin's gone! That crazy Rattlesnake! I'd just like to point out that apparently Trip's car is mic'd, allowing us to hear every detail of this dastardly plot. Anyhoo, Dick and Muttley show puzzlement as to where their nemesis has gone, and Muttley disappears to look for him-and that's when Austin strikes. With a forklift. Uh huh. He lifts Trip's car 9with Trip screaming all the way up), and drops it as trip adds a "HOLY SHIIIIIIIIIIT!!" as it drops. What a pile of shit. Triple H would, in fact, be dead after that, if I'm not mistaken, so I think the WWF better point out that he's NOT PDQ. *** for the match, minus four for the awful no-contest, equals -*. Dear God.

    Final Thought: well, what started out as a mediocre-to-middling show turned into a real stinkeroo after that lame-ass ending. I was going with Mild Recommendation until that particular incident. Seriously-who's idea was it to borrow from WCW's Junkyard Battle Royal? Vince Russo lives!

    Thumbs down for a really, really bad ending that left me swearing for hours afterwards. As always, email me at Go on-I need some cheering up after THAT.

    Ian Challis

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