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Ian Challis

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WWF SUMMERSLAM '91

Wow, where DOES the time go? Long story short, my computer got fucked by the Badtrans virus, putting it out of action for around three weeks. THEN I hit the major bulk of my college work for the year, and it was just all down-hill from there. But I'm back now! And with nothing specific to rant on, I flipped through my tape collection and grabbed a tape at random. Why not wait until No Way Out, you ask? Because I'm REALLY REALLY BORED.

  • Da Macho Man is the first guy to grace our screen on this Colosseum video, harassing Alfred Hayes. Savage is getting married tonight, and for celebration Al wears Randy's Big Gay Hat.

  • TONIGHT! We are (not)live on Colosseum Video, and get ready to witness a Match made In Heaven AND a Match Made In Hell! There's something for everyone! Lookit those damn Iraqis! BOOOOO!

  • Your hosts are Gorilla, Brain and Roddy, possibly the finest commentary triad of all time-stick Gordon Solie in Gorilla's place and there'd be no competition.

  • Opening Match: The Dragon/Bristish Bulldog/Texas Tornado w/Tassles Vs. Power & Glory/Warlord w/Slick: The heels don't even get an entrance, and Slick looks as retarded as ever. That is quite possibly the most depressing face lineup I've ever seen-stick Owen Hart on there and you'd have a quartet of unhappy futures. Roma and Ricky start, and I'm drawn to the beauty of Ricky's mullet. Roma gets a quick dropkick and poses, then jumps into an armdrag. He brushes Steamer off, but gets armdragged again. Tag to Hercules, yet more armdraggery. This would be the "not very good" portion of Steamboat's work. Kerry comes in and works the arm, then goes to the Ten Punch Countalong. Herc makes the tag to Warlord (picture a roided-up Steve Austin), and Bulldog comes in for the face team. Oh no! It's the Irresistable Force meeting the Immovable Object! Or something. Bulldog gets a big ol' suplex for two, and tags Dragon. Flying chop connects, but Warlord shrugs off a monkey flip and tags Roma. He walks into a rollup, but Warlord clotheslines Steamboat right into the Dragon-in-peril role. Roma hits a SWEET suplex for two, and goes to work on the back. Herc in, more back workage. Warlord comes in, and he and Roma pull off a Headbangersesque double team. Warlord goes to finish him from the second rope, but makes the cardinal error of jumping onto Ricky's FEET rather than dropping an elbow or something. Hot tag to Tornado! It's breaking loose in Tulsa! All three heels fall to the Tassled One, and Bulldog comes in. Warlord sccops him up, but falls to the Tornado Punch for two. Roma tags himself in, and gets powerslammed for two. Bulldog tags Steamer, and a flying bodypress finishes at 10:42. Well, that was a big waste of time. *

  • Sean "Michael Cole Meets Todd Pettingill" Mooney stands with Mr. Perfect and the intensely-annoying Coach.

  • Intercontinental Title Match: Bret Hart Vs. Mr. Perfect w/Coach: Both guys are disgustingly over in their respective roles. For those of you that don't know Coach, picture Fonzie, but WAY more annoying. Yes, it's THAT bad. And remember when watching this match that Perfect was pretty much a walking cripple at this point. They run through the standard start sequence, and Perfect bails off a hiptoss. Back in, and Bret grabs a headlock and won't let go. Perfect fights out, but Bret gets a crossbody for two. Perfect bails again, and Bret takes him back inside with a sunset flip for two. Back to the headlock. Perfect fights out, but Bret goes to the legs. Perfect gets a slam off of an Irish whip, and Bret responds with one of his own then clotheslines Perfect to the floor. Nic little sequence there. Perfect, cowardly heel that he is, tries to walk out, but Bret yanks him back to the ring-pulling apart Perfect's singlet in the process.

    Back inside, Perfect begs off and knocks Bret down, then goes to work on the ribs. They go outside again (which is pretty odd considering the age of this match) and Perfect lays in some nifty chops. Bret fights up onto the apron, so Perfect promptly sends him crashing into the guard rail. Bret s-l-o-w-l-y climbs back in and fights back getting a rollup for two, prompting some SHAKY-LEG STOMPS from Perfect. Rocky stole those, you know. They exchange chops in the corner-ya know it's weird not to have the crowd going "WOOOOOO" there. I guess the legacy of Flair wasn't quite established yet. BIG Irish whip by Perfect gets two. Perfect necksnap gets two. Perfect dropkicks Bret to the floor, and basks in the heel heat. They fight outside some more, then both climb to the top and fight there. That's, uh, rather unorthodox. Perfect shoves Bret down and covers for two.

    Perfect hairtosses Bret out of the corner, and grabs a sleeper, nearly pulling Bret's head off as he comes off the ropes. Bret fights out double-quick and tries a crucifix, but Perfect drops him for two. Irish whip gets another two count, and Perfect pulls out the Perfectplex for...two. Bobby nearly has a heart attack on commentary. Bret fights back and goes into That Sequence (you know the one). A pair of atomic drops sets up a hairtoss, which jams Perfect's leg into the ringpost. Bret suplex gets two, as does an inside cradle. Russian legsweep gets two. Backbreaker sets up a second-rope forearm, also for two. Perfect sneaks in a rollup for two, and they go outside. Back in, and Bret chases Perfect around the ring, kicking his legs out from under him at every opportunity. He tries the Sharpshooter, but Coach provides a timely distraction. Bret punches him out for his troubles, allowing Perfect a low blow. He drops a leg onto Bret's groin, but Bret grabs the legs and ties up the Sharpshooter. Perfect's tap-out is damn near instantaneous, and Bret wins his first singles title at 18:02. Crowd goes nuts-and not for the first time tonight. Match is still awesome, although time has robbed it of some of it's sheen. ***3/4 Much like Scott Keith, I'd recommend their King Of The Ring match-it's SCARY how much I'm agreeing with that guy these days.

  • Alfred harasses Stu and Helen, who are trying to celebrate with Bret. LEAVE 'EM ALONE, AL!

  • Mean Gene gets a few words with the Bushwhackers and Andre The Cripple.

  • Bushwhackers w/Andre Vs. Natural Disasters w/Jimmy Hart: Boy, you KNOW you're onto a winner when all four competitors are Gimmick Battle Royal participants! Earthquake destoryed Andre's knee with the megaphone to set this up, although damned if I can remember where the Whackers fit into all of it. The Whackers ambush the fatboys and celebrate with Andre, then hit a double Battering Ram. The crowd, sadly, goes wild. Butch starts against Earthquake, and it's all downhill from there. The Disasters calmly kill Butch, until heel miscommunication allows the hot tag. Luke comes in the Whackers clean house, tripping up Typhoon for two. Earthquake pulls Butch out and smashes him, then swiftly butt-splashes Luke for the pin at 6:27. Well, relatively short at least. DUD. Andre clobbers the Disasters with his crutches, and LOD arrive to help chase them off. And that's that.

  • The Brain, who departed from the commentary booth during the last match, pays a visit to Hulk's dressing room, carrying the NWA title belt with him. Hulk slams the door in his face, and Bobby is aghast at the disrespect. Flair was right around the corner at this point, after the whole Bash '91 debacle.

  • The Moon Man interviews Ted DiBiase. You know who reminds me of DiBiase these days? Val Venis. It's just something that I can't put my finger on.

  • Million Dollar Title Match: Ted DiBiase w/Sherri Vs. Virgil: Let's not get into the racial undertones of this angle. That's a nice belt. Virgil jumps DiBiase and hits him with three clotheslines, as Piper goes nuts with glee on commentary. DiBiase bails as Heenan returns, and Gorilla and Piper set about teasing him. Wow, what a way to get Flair's arrival over. Virgil misses a pescado, and DiBiase goes to work. He throws some verbal at Piper, before dropping a fist for two. Virgil dodges a clothesline and locks on the Million Dollar Dream. Sherri breaks it up with a timely shoe shot (insert WCW joke here), and the ref calls for the DQ. Piper threatens to beat up the ref. BUT! Hebner, fine upstanding individual that he is, opts to continue the match, and bars Sherri from ringside. Piper's reaction is excellent. Virgil beats the crap out of DiBiase, who works in a Flair Flop. He goes to the Ten Punch Countalong, but DiBiase shoves him into the ref. He gloats at Piper, then nails Virgil with a trio of suplexes. Piledriver puts Virgil down, but there's no referee. DiBiase uncovers a turnbuckle and drags Virgil to it, but Virgil blocks and slams DiBiase face-first into the steel. Both guys collapse as the ref stirs, and Virgil slooooowly crawls over for the pin at 10:53. The crowd comes unglued, one of the few times that phrase can be used accurately. Match was blecch, but what a moment. *3/4

  • Gene stands with the Mountie, who preps the cops to haul Bossman away.

  • Bossman spins his nightstick in frustration.

  • Jailhouse Match: The Mountie w/Jimmy Hart Vs. The Big Bossman: Bossman's old music ROCKS. Bizarro Stipulation Du Jour: Loser spends the night in the drunk tank. Gorilla: "This is gonna be a classic". Uhhh...

    Bossman slaps Mountie around and splashes him for two. Heenan is unspeakably brilliant on commentary here. Bossman straddle, and the uppercut. Mountie comes back with an eye gouge, but Bossman gets a spinebuster. He goes outside and bitches out Hart, and Mountie shoves him into the steps. Back inside, and Mountie covers for two. Elbow drop gets two. Dropkick gets two, and Bossman sends him outside. Mountie smashes him into the apron and stomps him inside. Piledriver, and Bossman does a deliriously over-the-top sell, shaking his head around like a dog's tail. Mountie signals to Jimmy and gets the shock stick, but Bossman knocks it away. Uppercut sets up the Bossman Slam for two. Mountie tries a second piledriver, but Bossman turns into an Alabama Slam for the pin at 8:39. Bossman drags Mountie outside to get cuffed, and leads him to the paddy wagon. * The best is yet to come.

  • Gene talks to DiBiase and Sherri, who rant freely.

  • Moon Man stands with Bret and his new belt.

  • Gene now interviews the Disasters and Jimmy Hart. Nothing of not is said.

  • Mooney shares a giggle with the Bossman, at Mountie's expense.

  • Mountie arrives at the slammer, trying to bribe the cops as he's dragged inside.

  • The Nasties throw some casual threats out to LOD. Will these interviews never end?

  • Mountie gets his mug shot taken. Har de har har.

  • The LOD expound on the Nasties.

  • And now Mountie gets fingerprinted. Dammit!

  • Mooney discusses politics with Slaughter et al.

  • Gene stands with Sid "The Mullet" Justice. Back when Sid was vaguely cool. WHERE'S MY WRESTLING?!

  • No-Disqualification Match For Tag Team Titles: Nasty Boys w/Jimmy "Gee, I'm Bust Tonight" Hart Vs. Legion Of Doom: Aw, fuck, go back to the interviews. Brawl to start, duh. They all fight a bit, and Animal powerbombs Knobs for two. Sags saves, but Hawk shoulderblocks HIM for two. Hawk and Knobs brawl. Sags maces Animal, which the commentators completely miss, then goes to work pounding on Hawk. It settles down into a regular tag format for some insane reason, and Hawk plays face-in-peril. The Nasties beat on him inside the ring and out. WHY IS ANIMAL STANDING THERE? IT'S NO DQ! Hawk fights back, but gets choked down for two. More shellacking, and Sags hits the big elbow, but Animal saves. Knobs eats boot on a top-rope dive, and Hawk makes the hot tag. Clotheslines for all! Animal powerslams Knobs for two and the Nasties double team him. Jimmy nails him with the motorcycle helmet, and Knobs covers for two. Hawk nails both Nasties with the helmet, and the LOD calmly nail the Dommsday Device for the pin and the titles at 7:44. Ugh. *.

  • Mountie, still protesting, is dragged to his cell.

  • Irwin R. Schyster Vs. Greg Valentine: What is this doing here, you ask? Good question. IRS threatens the crowd with an audit prematch. Valentine takes over early on with basic offence, clotheslining IRS to the floor. Back inside, and Hammer gets a sunset flip for two. IRS bails after a slam and takes over back inside. Crowd is deader than Dean Malenko's career. Rope-assisted abdominal stretch eats up a minute or two, before Valentine hiptosses his way out. IRS clotheslines him for two, however. Sleeper, then a backbreaker, and IRS goes up top. Hammer slams him down. He goes to the figure four, but IRS makes the ropes. Low blow sets up a second try at the figure four, but IRS cradles him for the pin at 7:08. Zzzzzzzzzzz. *

  • The Hulkster and Warrior and His Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat spout crap backstage.

  • Match Made In HELL!: Sergeant Slaughter/Gen. Adnan/Col. Mustafa Vs. Hulk Hogan/The Ultimate Warrior, Special Referee-Sid Justice: Heenan on Warrior: "This guy makes coffee nervous". Genius. Wow, TWO Gimmick Battle Royallers on ONE team! What are the odds? The saddest part? While the other four guys are punchlines to jokes these days, we're going to be expected to take Hogan seriously on his return. Sigh.

    Staaaaaaaaall to start, and Sid takes away Slaughter's belt, lest he whip anyone. Slaughter pounds Hogan down but gets caught in the face corner, and Hogan and Warrior play ping-pong with him. Tag to Warrior, and there's a double clothesline. Hogan comes back in for a double big boot, and throws Slaughter into the ringpost for a two count. Warrior goes to work on the arm(!) and Hogan hits a double axe handle for two. He beats Slaughter down in the corner, and Sid gets between them. Slaughter nails both faces and tags Adnan, who does some vicious back rakes. Oh, the irony-Hogan's greatest weapon being used against him! Mustafa comes in and hits a gutwrench suplex for two. Camel Clutch, but Warrior saves. Slaughter tags back in and hits a backbreaker. Soooooo sloooooow. Hogan gets whipped into Sid, who cheerfully no-sells the bump. The heels take it in turn to pick on Hogan, and God this is so bad. Hogan makes the tag(finally) and Warrior clotheslines the Hell out of Slaughter, but runs into Sid. Oops. Slaughter takes advantage of this to jump Warrior, and now WARRIOR is face-in-peril. Do we REALLY need TWO heat portions here? Warrior reverses a Slaughter suplex, but gets beaten down some more. A big clothesline finally turns the tide, and Warrior makes the tag. Hogan wastes no time in hitting the boot on Slaughter, then nails the other two. Warrior chases Adnan and Mustafa to the back, and Hogan throws powder in Slaughter's face. Now why book that spot? Just to prove that Hogan can cheat and STILL be popular? Hogan casually drops the leg for the pin at 12:40. What a guy. DUD. The commentators immediately jump on Hogan, giving him the verbal deepthroat and liking it. I would have paid $1000 to see Sid nail Hogan here and whomp him. Instead, the big goof joins in the celebration.

  • Mountie meets a drunk in jail. Hey, that's Vince Russo!

  • And our MAIN EVENT, Randy Savage marrying Elizabeth. Whoo. I keep waiting for Triple H to interrupt the ceremony, but no such luck. Who would really want Mean Gene at their wedding? Where's Vince? And where did Savage get that hat? Elizabeth opens her presents-aw, there's a big snake! Now THAT'S how you crash a wedding-fuck the "any objections" part, give 'em a snake in a box instead. Jake Roberts and The Undertaker appear from nowhere and spout some drivel, and Sid chases them off with a (wooden) chair. End of show.

  • Final Thought: Geez, and people say today's WWF isn't wrestling-intensive enough. There was exactly ONE good match on this show, and the rest of the entertainment came from storyline and soap opera. Still, Virgil's saga and the Mountie thing are entertaining enough, and Bret/Perfect is must-see if you're never watched it. Slight recommendation for a one-off watch, but I wouldn't go out of my way to buy it or anything.

    Ian Challis
    R.I.P The Shooters

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