WWF SUMMERSLAM '91
Wow, where DOES the time go? Long story short, my computer got fucked by the
Badtrans virus, putting it out of action for around three weeks. THEN I hit
the major bulk of my college work for the year, and it was just all
down-hill from there. But I'm back now! And with nothing specific to rant
on, I flipped through my tape collection and grabbed a tape at random. Why
not wait until No Way Out, you ask? Because I'm REALLY REALLY BORED.
Da Macho Man is the first guy to grace our screen on this Colosseum video,
harassing Alfred Hayes. Savage is getting married tonight, and for
celebration Al wears Randy's Big Gay Hat.
TONIGHT! We are (not)live on Colosseum Video, and get ready to witness a
Match made In Heaven AND a Match Made In Hell! There's something for
everyone! Lookit those damn Iraqis! BOOOOO!
Your hosts are Gorilla, Brain and Roddy, possibly the finest commentary
triad of all time-stick Gordon Solie in Gorilla's place and there'd be no
Opening Match: The Dragon/Bristish Bulldog/Texas Tornado w/Tassles Vs.
Power & Glory/Warlord w/Slick: The heels don't even get an entrance, and
Slick looks as retarded as ever. That is quite possibly the most depressing
face lineup I've ever seen-stick Owen Hart on there and you'd have a quartet
of unhappy futures. Roma and Ricky start, and I'm drawn to the beauty of
Ricky's mullet. Roma gets a quick dropkick and poses, then jumps into an
armdrag. He brushes Steamer off, but gets armdragged again. Tag to Hercules,
yet more armdraggery. This would be the "not very good" portion of
Steamboat's work. Kerry comes in and works the arm, then goes to the Ten
Punch Countalong. Herc makes the tag to Warlord (picture a roided-up Steve
Austin), and Bulldog comes in for the face team. Oh no! It's the
Irresistable Force meeting the Immovable Object! Or something. Bulldog gets
a big ol' suplex for two, and tags Dragon. Flying chop connects, but Warlord
shrugs off a monkey flip and tags Roma. He walks into a rollup, but Warlord
clotheslines Steamboat right into the Dragon-in-peril role. Roma hits a
SWEET suplex for two, and goes to work on the back. Herc in, more back
workage. Warlord comes in, and he and Roma pull off a Headbangersesque
double team. Warlord goes to finish him from the second rope, but makes the
cardinal error of jumping onto Ricky's FEET rather than dropping an elbow or
something. Hot tag to Tornado! It's breaking loose in Tulsa! All three heels
fall to the Tassled One, and Bulldog comes in. Warlord sccops him up, but
falls to the Tornado Punch for two. Roma tags himself in, and gets
powerslammed for two. Bulldog tags Steamer, and a flying bodypress finishes
at 10:42. Well, that was a big waste of time. *
Sean "Michael Cole Meets Todd Pettingill" Mooney stands with Mr. Perfect
and the intensely-annoying Coach.
Intercontinental Title Match: Bret Hart Vs. Mr. Perfect w/Coach: Both guys
are disgustingly over in their respective roles. For those of you that don't
know Coach, picture Fonzie, but WAY more annoying. Yes, it's THAT bad. And
remember when watching this match that Perfect was pretty much a walking
cripple at this point. They run through the standard start sequence, and
Perfect bails off a hiptoss. Back in, and Bret grabs a headlock and won't
let go. Perfect fights out, but Bret gets a crossbody for two. Perfect bails
again, and Bret takes him back inside with a sunset flip for two. Back to
the headlock. Perfect fights out, but Bret goes to the legs. Perfect gets a
slam off of an Irish whip, and Bret responds with one of his own then
clotheslines Perfect to the floor. Nic little sequence there. Perfect,
cowardly heel that he is, tries to walk out, but Bret yanks him back to the
ring-pulling apart Perfect's singlet in the process.
Back inside, Perfect begs off and knocks Bret down, then goes to work on the
ribs. They go outside again (which is pretty odd considering the age of this
match) and Perfect lays in some nifty chops. Bret fights up onto the apron,
so Perfect promptly sends him crashing into the guard rail. Bret s-l-o-w-l-y
climbs back in and fights back getting a rollup for two, prompting some
SHAKY-LEG STOMPS from Perfect. Rocky stole those, you know. They exchange
chops in the corner-ya know it's weird not to have the crowd going "WOOOOOO"
there. I guess the legacy of Flair wasn't quite established yet. BIG Irish
whip by Perfect gets two. Perfect necksnap gets two. Perfect dropkicks Bret
to the floor, and basks in the heel heat. They fight outside some more, then
both climb to the top and fight there. That's, uh, rather unorthodox.
Perfect shoves Bret down and covers for two.
Perfect hairtosses Bret out of the corner, and grabs a sleeper, nearly
pulling Bret's head off as he comes off the ropes. Bret fights out
double-quick and tries a crucifix, but Perfect drops him for two. Irish whip
gets another two count, and Perfect pulls out the Perfectplex for...two.
Bobby nearly has a heart attack on commentary. Bret fights back and goes
into That Sequence (you know the one). A pair of atomic drops sets up a
hairtoss, which jams Perfect's leg into the ringpost. Bret suplex gets two,
as does an inside cradle. Russian legsweep gets two. Backbreaker sets up a
second-rope forearm, also for two. Perfect sneaks in a rollup for two, and
they go outside. Back in, and Bret chases Perfect around the ring, kicking
his legs out from under him at every opportunity. He tries the Sharpshooter,
but Coach provides a timely distraction. Bret punches him out for his
troubles, allowing Perfect a low blow. He drops a leg onto Bret's groin, but
Bret grabs the legs and ties up the Sharpshooter. Perfect's tap-out is damn
near instantaneous, and Bret wins his first singles title at 18:02. Crowd
goes nuts-and not for the first time tonight. Match is still awesome,
although time has robbed it of some of it's sheen. ***3/4 Much like Scott
Keith, I'd recommend their King Of The Ring match-it's SCARY how much I'm
agreeing with that guy these days.
Alfred harasses Stu and Helen, who are trying to celebrate with Bret. LEAVE
'EM ALONE, AL!
Mean Gene gets a few words with the Bushwhackers and Andre The Cripple.
Bushwhackers w/Andre Vs. Natural Disasters w/Jimmy Hart: Boy, you KNOW
you're onto a winner when all four competitors are Gimmick Battle Royal
participants! Earthquake destoryed Andre's knee with the megaphone to set
this up, although damned if I can remember where the Whackers fit into all
of it. The Whackers ambush the fatboys and celebrate with Andre, then hit a
double Battering Ram. The crowd, sadly, goes wild. Butch starts against
Earthquake, and it's all downhill from there. The Disasters calmly kill
Butch, until heel miscommunication allows the hot tag. Luke comes in the
Whackers clean house, tripping up Typhoon for two. Earthquake pulls Butch
out and smashes him, then swiftly butt-splashes Luke for the pin at 6:27.
Well, relatively short at least. DUD. Andre clobbers the Disasters with his
crutches, and LOD arrive to help chase them off. And that's that.
The Brain, who departed from the commentary booth during the last match,
pays a visit to Hulk's dressing room, carrying the NWA title belt with him.
Hulk slams the door in his face, and Bobby is aghast at the disrespect.
Flair was right around the corner at this point, after the whole Bash '91
The Moon Man interviews Ted DiBiase. You know who reminds me of DiBiase
these days? Val Venis. It's just something that I can't put my finger on.
Million Dollar Title Match: Ted DiBiase w/Sherri Vs. Virgil: Let's not get
into the racial undertones of this angle. That's a nice belt. Virgil jumps
DiBiase and hits him with three clotheslines, as Piper goes nuts with glee
on commentary. DiBiase bails as Heenan returns, and Gorilla and Piper set
about teasing him. Wow, what a way to get Flair's arrival over. Virgil
misses a pescado, and DiBiase goes to work. He throws some verbal at Piper,
before dropping a fist for two. Virgil dodges a clothesline and locks on the
Million Dollar Dream. Sherri breaks it up with a timely shoe shot (insert
WCW joke here), and the ref calls for the DQ. Piper threatens to beat up the
ref. BUT! Hebner, fine upstanding individual that he is, opts to continue
the match, and bars Sherri from ringside. Piper's reaction is excellent.
Virgil beats the crap out of DiBiase, who works in a Flair Flop. He goes to
the Ten Punch Countalong, but DiBiase shoves him into the ref. He gloats at
Piper, then nails Virgil with a trio of suplexes. Piledriver puts Virgil
down, but there's no referee. DiBiase uncovers a turnbuckle and drags Virgil
to it, but Virgil blocks and slams DiBiase face-first into the steel. Both
guys collapse as the ref stirs, and Virgil slooooowly crawls over for the
pin at 10:53. The crowd comes unglued, one of the few times that phrase can
be used accurately. Match was blecch, but what a moment. *3/4
Gene stands with the Mountie, who preps the cops to haul Bossman away.
Bossman spins his nightstick in frustration.
Jailhouse Match: The Mountie w/Jimmy Hart Vs. The Big Bossman: Bossman's
old music ROCKS. Bizarro Stipulation Du Jour: Loser spends the night in the
drunk tank. Gorilla: "This is gonna be a classic". Uhhh...
Bossman slaps Mountie around and splashes him for two. Heenan is unspeakably
brilliant on commentary here. Bossman straddle, and the uppercut. Mountie
comes back with an eye gouge, but Bossman gets a spinebuster. He goes
outside and bitches out Hart, and Mountie shoves him into the steps. Back
inside, and Mountie covers for two. Elbow drop gets two. Dropkick gets two,
and Bossman sends him outside. Mountie smashes him into the apron and stomps
him inside. Piledriver, and Bossman does a deliriously over-the-top sell,
shaking his head around like a dog's tail. Mountie signals to Jimmy and gets
the shock stick, but Bossman knocks it away. Uppercut sets up the Bossman
Slam for two. Mountie tries a second piledriver, but Bossman turns into an
Alabama Slam for the pin at 8:39. Bossman drags Mountie outside to get
cuffed, and leads him to the paddy wagon. * The best is yet to come.
Gene talks to DiBiase and Sherri, who rant freely.
Moon Man stands with Bret and his new belt.
Gene now interviews the Disasters and Jimmy Hart. Nothing of not is said.
Mooney shares a giggle with the Bossman, at Mountie's expense.
Mountie arrives at the slammer, trying to bribe the cops as he's dragged
The Nasties throw some casual threats out to LOD. Will these interviews
Mountie gets his mug shot taken. Har de har har.
The LOD expound on the Nasties.
And now Mountie gets fingerprinted. Dammit!
Mooney discusses politics with Slaughter et al.
Gene stands with Sid "The Mullet" Justice. Back when Sid was vaguely cool.
WHERE'S MY WRESTLING?!
No-Disqualification Match For Tag Team Titles: Nasty Boys w/Jimmy "Gee, I'm
Bust Tonight" Hart Vs. Legion Of Doom: Aw, fuck, go back to the interviews.
Brawl to start, duh. They all fight a bit, and Animal powerbombs Knobs for
two. Sags saves, but Hawk shoulderblocks HIM for two. Hawk and Knobs brawl.
Sags maces Animal, which the commentators completely miss, then goes to work
pounding on Hawk. It settles down into a regular tag format for some insane
reason, and Hawk plays face-in-peril. The Nasties beat on him inside the
ring and out. WHY IS ANIMAL STANDING THERE? IT'S NO DQ! Hawk fights back,
but gets choked down for two. More shellacking, and Sags hits the big elbow,
but Animal saves. Knobs eats boot on a top-rope dive, and Hawk makes the hot
tag. Clotheslines for all! Animal powerslams Knobs for two and the Nasties
double team him. Jimmy nails him with the motorcycle helmet, and Knobs
covers for two. Hawk nails both Nasties with the helmet, and the LOD calmly
nail the Dommsday Device for the pin and the titles at 7:44. Ugh. ½*.
Mountie, still protesting, is dragged to his cell.
Irwin R. Schyster Vs. Greg Valentine: What is this doing here, you ask?
Good question. IRS threatens the crowd with an audit prematch. Valentine
takes over early on with basic offence, clotheslining IRS to the floor. Back
inside, and Hammer gets a sunset flip for two. IRS bails after a slam and
takes over back inside. Crowd is deader than Dean Malenko's career.
Rope-assisted abdominal stretch eats up a minute or two, before Valentine
hiptosses his way out. IRS clotheslines him for two, however. Sleeper, then
a backbreaker, and IRS goes up top. Hammer slams him down. He goes to the
figure four, but IRS makes the ropes. Low blow sets up a second try at the
figure four, but IRS cradles him for the pin at 7:08. Zzzzzzzzzzz. *
The Hulkster and Warrior and His Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat spout crap
Match Made In HELL!: Sergeant Slaughter/Gen. Adnan/Col. Mustafa Vs. Hulk
Hogan/The Ultimate Warrior, Special Referee-Sid Justice: Heenan on Warrior:
"This guy makes coffee nervous". Genius. Wow, TWO Gimmick Battle Royallers
on ONE team! What are the odds? The saddest part? While the other four guys
are punchlines to jokes these days, we're going to be expected to take Hogan
seriously on his return. Sigh.
Staaaaaaaaall to start, and Sid takes away Slaughter's belt, lest he whip
anyone. Slaughter pounds Hogan down but gets caught in the face corner, and
Hogan and Warrior play ping-pong with him. Tag to Warrior, and there's a
double clothesline. Hogan comes back in for a double big boot, and throws
Slaughter into the ringpost for a two count. Warrior goes to work on the
arm(!) and Hogan hits a double axe handle for two. He beats Slaughter down
in the corner, and Sid gets between them. Slaughter nails both faces and
tags Adnan, who does some vicious back rakes. Oh, the irony-Hogan's greatest
weapon being used against him! Mustafa comes in and hits a gutwrench suplex
for two. Camel Clutch, but Warrior saves. Slaughter tags back in and hits a
backbreaker. Soooooo sloooooow. Hogan gets whipped into Sid, who cheerfully
no-sells the bump. The heels take it in turn to pick on Hogan, and God this
is so bad. Hogan makes the tag(finally) and Warrior clotheslines the Hell
out of Slaughter, but runs into Sid. Oops. Slaughter takes advantage of this
to jump Warrior, and now WARRIOR is face-in-peril. Do we REALLY need TWO
heat portions here? Warrior reverses a Slaughter suplex, but gets beaten
down some more. A big clothesline finally turns the tide, and Warrior makes
the tag. Hogan wastes no time in hitting the boot on Slaughter, then nails
the other two. Warrior chases Adnan and Mustafa to the back, and Hogan
throws powder in Slaughter's face. Now why book that spot? Just to prove
that Hogan can cheat and STILL be popular? Hogan casually drops the leg for
the pin at 12:40. What a guy. DUD. The commentators immediately jump on
Hogan, giving him the verbal deepthroat and liking it. I would have paid
$1000 to see Sid nail Hogan here and whomp him. Instead, the big goof joins
in the celebration.
Mountie meets a drunk in jail. Hey, that's Vince Russo!
And our MAIN EVENT, Randy Savage marrying Elizabeth. Whoo. I keep waiting
for Triple H to interrupt the ceremony, but no such luck. Who would really
want Mean Gene at their wedding? Where's Vince? And where did Savage get
that hat? Elizabeth opens her presents-aw, there's a big snake! Now THAT'S
how you crash a wedding-fuck the "any objections" part, give 'em a snake in
a box instead. Jake Roberts and The Undertaker appear from nowhere and spout
some drivel, and Sid chases them off with a (wooden) chair. End of show.
Final Thought: Geez, and people say today's WWF isn't wrestling-intensive
enough. There was exactly ONE good match on this show, and the rest of the
entertainment came from storyline and soap opera. Still, Virgil's saga and
the Mountie thing are entertaining enough, and Bret/Perfect is must-see if
you're never watched it. Slight recommendation for a one-off watch, but I
wouldn't go out of my way to buy it or anything.
R.I.P The Shooters
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