You are here /wrestling
Guest Columns

Voodoo Chili



The TRUTH Behind Common Pro-Wrestling Myths...REVEALED.

Hello there. This is Voodoo Chili here, and I bet you're thinking, "That's not really a common name." Well, my parents weren't morons, so no, my birth certificate does not read "Voodoo Chili". In fact it is an alias. In fact, I have submitted columns to this site before, only under a *different* alias. Confused yet? Anyway, I'm writing this column under an alias because there are certain people who would go to ANY lengths to see the information contained within NEVER see the light of day. I have around the clock protection which is funded by my South African diamond magnate benefactor (he even has a GLASS EYE and a stable of ELEPHANTS. It's true, it's true), so don't you worry about me. Just read the column and let the truth speak for itself.

By combing through my vast knowledge of the wrestling world as well as my NUMEROUS contacts (I've got WWFE custodian Paul Roma on SPEED DIAL, BAYBEEE!) in the business, I am now able to reveal the truth behind several common pro-wrestling myths. Here is the first installment where we tackle three myths. I hope this is informative as well as enlightening for you, the reader. No longer will you only know what Mr. Meltzer, or Mr. Keith, or Mr. The Rick wants you to know. You get the whole story here, with none of that kayfabe bullshit.

Myth #1: Konnan is not a white guy from Jersey, but rather a man of Hispanic descent from either Cuba, Miami, or Mexico.

There has been much conjecture as to the validity of these rumors, but now I can set the record straight.

Konnan was born in Krakow, Poland under the name Czeslaw Ashinovski. Yep, you heard (or read) it here first. K-Dogg is as Polish as a double axehandle to the chest as a finisher and "rolling out the barrels."

Myth #2

Vince Russo was relieved of his duties as head writer in January prior to Souled Out because he wanted to put the world title on Tank Abbott on that card.

False. Vinnie Ru had a much more shocking booking in mind for that beleaguered event. You see, the plan was for all of the night's winners to meet in a battle royal, along with #1 contender Sid Vicious at the end of the night for the vacant "ten pounds of gold". Men such as Kevin Nash, Chris Benoit, and Billy Kidman would have been tired from their grueling matches earlier in the night, so they couldn't have feasibly won the final match of the night. Tank Abbott would have been fresh having squashed Jerry Flynn, so he and Sid were the logical favorites. A booked run-in by a man in a Brian Pillman mask (you've gotta book for the smart crowd) would have distracted Sid leading to his elimination and an Abbott victory.

Tank would then proceed to challenge anyone in the building to a match for the title, right there and then. Of all people, Courtney Cox was to come in and accept the challenge. After a few minutes of pure Sports Entertainment action, there was to be a run-in by actor Jon Favreau. Yup, Mikey from Swingers and more importantly, Pete from Friends was to interfere on Cox's behalf. This was to be in retaliation for Tank "roughing" Favreau up on the UFC episode of Friends, and showcases Vinnie Ru's penchant for continuity and logical, gripping WRESTLING storylines. Cox would then hit her "Cox-yx Crusher" finisher to win the strap. ANOTHER open challenge would have resulted in a jealous David Arquette breaking Friends kayfabe ('cause breaking kayfabe may merely be EDGY, but breaking sitcom kayfabe is REVOLUTIONARY in wrestling booking) and challenging his wife for the strap. He was booked to win it with the "Officer Dewey Driver" after interference from Rosanna and Patricia Arquette. This was to lead to a Hart Foundation type angle where the Arquette clan and all their relatives (including Nicolas Cage) would wreak havoc on WCW wrestlers until the Baldwins arrived. The feud would explode at SuperBrawl featuring Cage, David, Rosanna (featuring a live performance of her theme by a reunited Toto), and Patricia vs Alec, Billy, the one that's always in rehab, and Stephen with Kim Basinger locked in a shark cage at ringside. And Kim will dance go-go style, because every female must demean themselves under the reign of Vinnie Ru no matter how many Oscars they have on their mantles. Have I mentioned that this match will be WAR GAMES!!!! SUBMIT OR SURRENDER!!!!! Surely WCW was about to turn over a new leaf and had a brand-new direction starting with Souled Out. But that's where the "Good Old Boys Network" stepped in.

You see, Sullivan, Juster, Graham, and Dillon were ADAMANT that Prince Iaukea be the one to challenge Cox and win the title. Russo refused to back down and the standoff reached stoned Mexican (or Juvi-esque) proportions. Then Bill Busch got a phone call from the IRATE producers of Friends who were irked by the disregard for sitcom kayfabe. Russo was promptly turfed and was heard to be muttering that he'd be back and have Arquette as his champ by summer. No one believed him. Well, who's laughing now?

OK. I'm not laughing either.

Myth #3

The Big Show/Big Bossman "cancer" feud was all a work.

Somewhat false. While the angle mirrored real life events, it was always a Rooster-crafted work. However, a late twist in the story lead to a very real, and very serious conflict between the workers and led to an ugly scene indeed.

It all stems from the vignette live from the Wight residence featuring the Bossman and Mrs Wight. You see, Paul Wight had no knowledge of this segment, and the shocking revelation that he is a Big Nasty Bastard was 100% a SHOOT. To get a complete grasp on how deep this runs into Paul Wight's soul, we must examine the rocky road of his paternal knowledge.

Paul Wight grew up not knowing who his father was. When he broke into the business, Terry Bollea and Kevin Sullivan revealed to him (on national TV, no less) that his father was the legendary Andre the Giant. When the concepts of a "dumbassed, disrespectful angle" and "pissing all over a legacy to draw money" were explained to him, Wight was still not aware of who his father was. It was revealed to him some time in 1996 that his father was a man he had known as a family friend. When that man died in early '97, his mother told Paul that this man was not his real father. Paul had already asked for the night off, and missed a Nitro show, so he was punished for this perceived ruse by being forced to wrestle Hollywood Hogan for 45 minutes straight as the new TNT series Robin Hood was airing. (That's more of a punishment to the fans than Wight, but hey, it's WCW here.) Mrs. Wight finally introduced her son to his real father. They developed a tight bond over the next few years. Then, sometime in early-'99, Paul's father developed cancer and died a few months later. When hearing of this, booker and all-around sensitive guy Terry Taylor decided to book the infamous cancer angle. As with all excellent, money-drawing angles, this one was to be based in reality. Everything was fine, until the buildup for the Big Show's title defense against the Bossman at the December Armaggedon PPV.

You see, the "Big Nasty Bastard" segment was 100% a shoot, as Paul Wight had no idea that his mother STILL didn't know who his father was. This was all real, and quite unprofessional on Ray Traylor's part to stage such an embarrassing shoot on Paul Wight. Paul's mother was also quite the dumb broad in this situation, as not only did she STILL not know who Paul's father was, but she was confessing this to a stranger on national television. Naturally, this situation pissed Paul way the fuck off. He retaliated the next night on the road by whipping out his Johnson and pissing all over Traylor's Chihuahua Burrito Supreme the next night at the hotel. He also defecated in the pockets of Traylor's flak jacket, which was part of his ringwear, and led to quite the embarrassing situation the next night at a house show. During the course of a hardcore match vs Davey Boy Smith, Traylor reached into his flak jacket, expecting to pull out powder, but instead he ended up flinging feces at a shocked Smith. Smith lost it and dropped to the mat and rolled around in the feces, turning the match into a total debacle. This public embarrassment was the last straw for Traylor, as one night he procured a pair of scissors and went up to Wight's hotel room with the intention of stabbing him. Wight was prepared for such an ambush, and armed with a squeegee, the two did battle. The scuffle was broken up by local police, before either worker could get seriously hurt. Unfortunately for the officers, the two wrestlers proceeded to assault them, for which charges are still pending but may result in both of them becoming "jailbirds". This presented an immediate problem behind the scenes in New York. If Wight and Traylor were not immediately terminated for their actions, then workers the Fabulous Moolah, Mae Young, and Viscera were going to flash their breasts onscreen at the Armaggedon PPV. Since the WWF is above such horrid displays, they made a tough decision. For assaulting each other and officers of the law with deadly weapons and for being unprofessional shits (literally) in general, both Ray Traylor and Paul Wight were released from their WWF contracts.

This presented a unique situation, as the WWF had never shitcanned their reigning champion and the number-one contender weeks before a PPV match. Vince acted quickly by hiring George Grey (AKA the One Man Gang, AKA Akeem, AKA the Blue Knight at Survivor Series 93, AKA the Blue Blazer that was not Owen Hart or Jeff Jarrett) to play the Bossman's role, and Robert Rousimoff (Andre's REAL son) to play the Big Show's role. Fans didn't seem to notice due to the lack of workrate shown by all four men and the skill of resident WWF makeup and wardrobe expert Sherri Martel-Zen, who is currently fighting a lawsuit for "alienation of affection" from a well known internet wrestling personality.

Traylor is currently jobbing for food on the indy circuit and Wight is currently trying to make it in showbiz.

There you have it. Three common myths debunked. Next time: We rip the closet doors off (so to speak) of that homoerotic entity known as The Clique as well as settling once and for all who has played the Ultimate Warrior and the Undertaker characters.

I hope to see you there. I for one wil not rest until the vile whore that is kayfabe is broken down for good.

Voodoo Chili

Mail the Author



Design copyright (C) 1999, 2000 Christopher Robin Zimmerman & KZiM Communications
Guest column text copyright (C) 2000 by the individual author and used with permission