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Albert B. Ching

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DROPPIN' BOMBS ON YOUR MOMS

Isn't it funny how the OVERWHELMING majority of "internet wrestling journalists" can't write anything other than a meandering, "random thoughts" column? It would almost make you think that the majority of these hot shots aren't actual, y'know, writers, but just regular schlubs with a Compaq alt-tabbing between their latest ultra-cool bashing of Vince Russo and a really intense FreeCell game while at "work." And on that note, this will be a "random thoughts" column. Ironic? Yes, it is ironic! And the first person to make an Alanis Morisette reference can suck my wang.

Isn't that interesting how cleanly Al Snow jobbed to Steven Regal on RAW this Monday? Seriously, that was TAKA Michinoku vs. Gangrel on Jakked clean. Especially since Regal's prior WWF achievements was a thrilling defeat of Darren "Could you get that for me?" Drozdov in his 1998 debut, and that EXCITING six day feud with X-Pac over the Euro strap. Well, I guess he HAS been chasing the belt long enough. Even so, Snow had been getting over pretty well, I think, with "Hey, I'm from a different country every time you see me" gimmick, and these days Naked Mideon wouldn't job to Crash Holly cleanly on (the rockin') Sunday Night Heat, so, y'know. Just something to think about.

Speaking of SNH, since the matches are very obviously not even under the fašade of being live as everything else happens, why do Cole and Tazz even bother to act surprised when something happens? I can just see the backstage area on Tuesdays. "Now remember Tazz, I KNOW how badly you want to see that Hardcore title defense against Funaki, but not until Sunday! I mean, DJ Skribble has to wait that long!" "Awww, but I want to see Road Dogg vs. Albert NOW, mommy! I mean Good Ol' MC!"

Now that I've dealt the Road Dogg card, man, that Road Dogg vs. Val Venis match SUCKED on RAW this Monday. You've got one guy who has like, no moves, against a guy who has like 2 (two?) and maybe more if he's motivated. Here's a hint: he wasn't motivated. I haven't seen that many punches and stomps since [INSERT YOUR OWN CRAPPY JOKE HERE].

Back to Albert. Brotha, if I had known that there was going to be a wrestler sharing my first name, I would have hoped it wouldn't have been the bald dude with a lot of back hair. That yells a lot.

You know what's funny, when you're using Microsoft Word, and they highlight the words you misspelled. Man, apparently "Dog" has only ONE "g." Like, duh!

Mike Sanders looks like Mark Hoppus from Blink 182, and Shane McMahon looks like Billy Joe Armstrong from Green Day. Spoken.

WCW? Man, they SUCK! It's all the fault of that Vince Russo guy!

Actually, the best thing I can offer up about WCW right now is Elix Skipper's DOPE new entrance music. Even though one would think that by virtue of being a (supposed) "Black Canadian," one wouldn't even need entrance music. I mean, that's like being a gigantic, bald Jew. And the wrestling world has TWO of them, baby!

Hot Pockets are good, but Lean Pockets are good, AND a low-fat alternative.

I was at Toys R Us today, and these two old people were saying "this aisle only has that wrestling crap. Man, those guys aren't even good actors." Yeah, well, I'd like to see YOU Mr. Oldy Elderton do just ONE "swanton" bomb off the top of a ladder and get up. That dude was just begging to get his Ensure-drinking ass Franchised.

Now that they both have long hair, I once again realize that I think Val Venis might be Hacksaw Jim Duggan's son.

We don't get too much ECW out here in AZ (and now, none at all, I'd guess), but I remember seeing the Anarchy RULZ 1999 PPV, and thinking, "Hmmm, that Mike Awesome guy is pretty cool." I mean, top-rope powerbombs, topes, what have you. Now he's a dude that wears tight pants. And you know what? I LIKE HIM MORE NOW. Crowbar too, they've somehow managed to consolidate my two favorite wrestlers in WCW into one awesome gimmick. Vince Russo RULES! I think I'm going to go kiss the poster of him I have on my wall (thank you, WCW magazine!).

I used to be young and stupid and impressionable when thirty-year old losers on the internet who remember watching Savage/Steamboat when it happened and have WAY TOO MUCH Japanese wrestling tapes in their collections would talk about how GREAT a WWF lightheavyweight division could be. And I really did believe them. Look at it now, after we got what we asked for. I think Dean Malenko has defended the belt exactly, hmmm, ONCE in the last like six months. Sure this is an outrage, but now that TAKA is injured, who is going to defend it against? Crash, every single week? Essa Rios? Funaki? You know what? That's it. Drag. Even so, I still think that this situation is better than the Hardcore title, which only exists as a way to get everyone else on the active roster in a match at the upcoming PPV.

If you had asked me a year ago who Austin would be feuding with, and if I had said "a fat guy who dances," I would be lying. I never thought Rikishi would get this...big, and all goes back to his "debut" on Jakked last November when my mom said "Wow, that guy is going to be a big star soon," and I was all, "No way, mom, are you kidding? TAKA is totally going to be the best ever!" Same deal with my mom and how she "discovered" Nicholas Cage and Keanu Reeves, in Raising Arizona and Bill and Ted's, respectively. "I knew they were going to be big!" Yeah, yeah, I've heard the story before.

And yes, I do watched Jakked with my mom.

If WWF buys WCW, it would like, totally be a monopoly. And we ain't talking about Marvin Gardens, sweetheart. I mean, I TOTALLY learned about Big Business and Rockefeller and monopolies and stuff in AP US History last year (and I got myself a 4, so take that to the bank and smoke it, and have them tell you kindly to put it, and have you say, "No way man, I'm smoking this 4," and have them say, "Really sir, we'd appreciate you not to smoke it here," and have you say, "Alright, man HAVE IT YOUR WAY (like at Burger King)), and that would most certainly qualify. Not to mention that once the story breaks out, we'll have stupid newscasters saying stuff like "Buying each other? Isn't that fake? Oh man, those wrestling people! One time I watched it and one guy was talking to the other guy - with a SOCK! And then they started like, grabbing each other - I think they're GAY! And they had a woman, she had the LARGE BREASTS" and above all else, it would kind of suck. Mainly because I like WWF where it is right now, although I suppose seeing some guys like Dean-o, TAKA, Lo Down, sent "down" to a newly-rejuvenated WCW could be interesting. And, most importantly, we could finally see Goldberg vs. Austin!!! Yeah!! Because, y'know Goldberg is an Austin rip-off and all.

Shawn Michaels must be pretty proud of the fact that he's rumored to be coming back EVERY WEEK by some website.

Speaking of websites, I saw that Wrestleboard.com had a full-page ad in "WOW" magazine. Now, don't get me wrong, but there are a lot of sites out there that I'd like to see get print ads before Wrestleboard. I believe the ad also had a picture of some chick (likely not a licensed picture, either) in a thong with a caption like "Wrestling news and more ass than you handle." I guess Wrestleboard also has a big hold on the e-commerce/donkey market, or some such. I'd really like to see Rantsylvania come back with some combative advertising with Sean Shannon in a similar outfit, with a similar caption. Seriously, I would like to see that. It would be funny. DO IT ROCKAPELLA!

Albert B. Ching
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Guest column text copyright (C) 2000 by the individual author and used with permission