|Our 3rd Anniversary||
Albert B. Ching
A CONCISE HISTORY OF PRO WRESTLING
Hello, I'm sorry, I know you, I knew you. My name is Albert Ching, and you might remember me from the paper I concocted in the fall of 2001, comparing the poetry of the T'ang and Sung dynasties of Middle Period China. In that memorable treatise, I devised such hilarious sentences as: "Two poems ripe for such an examination are "Bring in the Wine," by Li Po, and "To ‘Note After Note,'" by Li Ch'ing-Chao. Both of these poems use imagery to express greater meaning, and also contain rich language that can be viewed as also portraying political and religious viewpoints." Naturally, such widely-accepted work led to a stint right here on "Slashwrestling," where I serve as special assistant to Miss Tanya; most days we spend thinking up different, exciting, and most importantly, intellectually stimulating ways to write about Jeff Hardy, and also speculating on how adorable The Cubs Fan likely is. On average, we vary from "total cutie" to "full-blown hottie;" or as we like to say "Josh Hartnett" or "Ryan Philippe." Actually, that was her scale, I used "Doug Drabek" or "Lance from Voltron," but that didn't do (to use a little wrestling terminology, wink wink) "over" quite as well.
When I received word that this site, the Cadillac of webpages, was going to cyber-blow three cyber-candles soon, I couldn't resist; if there's one thing I love, it's a rousing round of cyber- blowing. Therefore, I enlisted some of my nearest and dearest to help me celebrate this decidedly decadent occasion:
ROB VAN DAM: Hey man, what's up? Three years, huh, CRZ? That's pretty cool man, I gotta admit. You should be proud of yourself, dude, really. But who needs websites when you're R-V- D.
ROADBLOCK: You know there's nothing more I'd LOVE, than giving Cobra Commander a SHOVE!
STAN LEE: Hi heroes! Stan Lee, here, with another extraordinarily exciting event from Slashwrestling.com!
MY KURT ANGLE ACTION FIGURE: Well, hi. I'm sure you're expecting me to talk in a manner resembling my fleshy counterpart. Perhaps hear me scream, like a moron, "It's true, it's true!" or spout some nonsense about being an Olympic gold medalist? Well, no such luck, jerks. I'm afraid that simply isn't possible. As much as it pains me to admit it, I'm not Kurt Angle. I'm just a hunk of plastic with a passing resemblance to him, that wears a neat little real cloth outfit. Do you think the real Kurt Angle has molded hair? You buffoons! In fact, last time I checked, he was, in fact, bald. Idiots.
BEYONCE KNOWLES: THROW YOUR HANDS UP AT ME
GREG MADDUX: Hello.
Finally, last but not least, all the way from Hollywood, CA...
TONY LING: ::eats big bucket of flied rlice::
ALBERT: So let's get this thing rolling. Based on my calculations, we are in the two thousand and second year of our Lord. So if Slash started three years ago, the first year had to have been 1999. Let's think about some of the important events of that time. Chris Jericho jumping ship to the WWF, we can't forget that, that was huge. Kind of like you, Tonester!
TONY LING: ::stuffs his face with Mu Shu::
ALBERT: Yeah, I remember when it happened, I just got back from seeing "Big Daddy" with a couple of guys who don't even try to contact me anymore. Screw those jerks. Anyway, I was making my usual online rounds, and I saw the bombshell dropped on WWF.com. I was thinking about it all night, although that was probably distracting, because a friend of mine who liked me called me on the phone that night, and we talked for a long time, although all I really was thinking about was Chris Jericho. Did I mention that all of a sudden she just broke off communication with me, and then a couple months later, asked this jerk ass to Homecoming, and he said yes, and then backed out a couple days before to go with someone else, and I tried to be nice and I asked her, and she wouldn't even let me eat dinner with her and her friends, and then she didn't talk to me ever again, and told her best friend that it was because I didn't call her afterwards? AND that she lived up stairs to me during my first year of college and didn't start one conversation with me the whole time we were living in the same building? Yeah, screw Chris Jericho.
ROADBLOCK: That girl sure sounds like a HO, but I can't say the same about my man JERICHO.
BEYONCE: YOU BEEN ACTING KINDA SHADY AIN'T BEEN CALLING ME BABY, WHY THE SUDDEN CHANGE
ALBERT: Anyway, isn't Chris Jericho kind of an odd case? We all loved him in WCW, but when he went to the WWF, something...happened. Maybe it was hitting Chyna's thumb with a hammer, that was kind of creepy; not whimsical like hitting Prince Iaukea with a scale or drawing mustaches on a framed picture of Dean Malenko. Perhaps it was his increasingly repetitive promos, or his completely forgettable world title run. Although he has had some great moments and entertaining matches, it's all forgotten really easily. He could be main eventing a pay per view one night, and wrestling Perry Saturn the next, and no matter how high up in the card he gets, it doesn't change. Personally, I think that it was funny when he put pictures of Benoit's head on other people's buddies. It's funny because Benoit's head belongs on Benoit's body only!!!!!!!
GREG MADDUX: Do you remember in 1999, when Ivory and Tori had the woman's Hardcore match? I totally masturbated to that shit.
MY KURT ANGLE ACTION FIGURE: Tell me you're kidding, you bespectacled right-hander. That match was as technically proficient as a blind, drunken, retarded man with no arms competing in the Olympic biathlon! If anything, 1999 should be remembered for the classic match between -
ALBERT: But seriously, Chris Jericho's an OK guy. It's just that he'll never be on the level of a Rock or Steve Austin or even an Undertaker or Triple-H, but that's ok. Some things just happen like that. Personally, I love Chris Jericho, maybe even in a gay way, a little bit. 1999 was also the raise of Triple H - his first title, the whole Stephanie angle, all of that. Not to mention the start of the ill-fated "Russo Era" in WCW, and the creation "WWF SmackDown!" And perhaps most importantly, the Undertaker left Big Show in the desert to die, just to teach him a lesson. What a dick.
STAN LEE: Stan "the Man" here - I was just presently pontificating about the disappointment I felt about the whole Russo-led WCW. At first, it was at least something delightfully different from the WCW we were uniformly used to, but ol' Vinny Ru put himself on television just a bit too much! But one thing you can certainly say is that he had a grand old idea about elevating guys like Chris Benoit. In fact, I grudgingly guess that Benoit's current WWF success has a lot to do with Russo's treatment of the Canadian Wolverine - not to be confused, of course, with Marvel's Wolverine!
GREG MADDUX: My favorite moment of 1999 was from Armageddon of that year, with the sex, I mean, six-woman swimming pool evening gown match. I slammed it completely to that, bro. We're talking a four-kleenax alarm milky fire.
ROADBLOCK: It ain't no TRICK, this brother is SICK!
ALBERT: In conclusion, 1999 was a big year for wrestling, was it not? Tony, your thoughts?
TONY LING: ::almost chokes on some chow mein::
ALBERT: 2000. What can be said about 2000 that hasn't already been said? Maybe the best year for wrestling in history. Edge and Christian setting the nation on fire a pose at a time, Rikishi and Too Cool getting us all to shake it (just one time), Chris Jericho saying "Filthy, dirty, disgusting, skanky, brutal, bottom feeding trash bag ho" a lot, Kurt Angle reaching his potential sooner than anyone could guess, and the Rock leading the WWF in Stone Cold's absence.
BEYONCE: ALL YOU LADIES LEAVE YOUR MAN AT HOME
ALBERT: Beyonce, I couldn't agree with you more, Head Cheese was another great part of the WWF. And in just two years, Al Snow is in perhaps the greatest position of his career, not as an active wrestler, but as Tough Enough trainer, and Steve Blackman could be living in an elaborate system of subterranean cities for all we know. But certainly, an entertaining tag team. Can anyone forget the time that Blackman was telling jokes to old people and then he got mad and beat up all the old people? At least I think he did.
GREG MADDUX: Shit, yeah. I fucking cream my jeans over that elder abuse shit. I'm fuckin' about to burst right now.
STAN LEE: I'm going to stop talking about now, because Albert's getting tremendously tired of writing my delectable dialogue!
ALBERT: Thanks a lot, bro. The real black eye for a lot of fans of 2000 was the Right To Censor angle. It just got in the way, and never led to any really good matches - probably because none of them were really good wrestlers.
GREG MADDUX: Fuck, yes. When Stevie Richards fuckin' ran in on that shit, when Terri was going to take her top off and shit, fuck, I dropped my dick and left the room I was so pissed. Luckily I had just gotten back from a road trip and had the latest issue of "Gent" that I bought at the airport in the room I went to, because I totally got a nice splooge from that shit.
ALBERT: Of course, when I'm reminded of the Right To Censor, it reminds me of the religious girl that I liked, she was cool though, and her dad was a major league baseball player, how cool is that? We had a pretty good relationship, but she would never give me a chance because she would keep telling me that she just "knew" that we wouldn't work out. And then for the next year or so, she proceeded to use my feelings and hold them against me, and make me do like litle tasks for her, and god, do I hate that bitch. Kind of like how the fans loved to hate the former Brood members after Edge and Christian's post Wrestlemania 2000 promo.
TONY LING: Me rikey Rucy Riu!
ALBERT: The year 2000 was, of course, just a tantalizing prelude to what many consider the great Pay Per View of all time, Wrestlemania X-7.
MY KURT ANGLE ACTION FIGURE: Please. Everyone knows that the best Pay Per View was Great American Bash 1989. I think that's what it was. I've never actually seen it.
GREG FUCKDUX: What was great was Great American Bush 1989, that sh -
ALBERT: Wrestlemania X-7 is actually sort of bittersweet. Because it was such a great show, but in a way, it was also the end of anything good, forever. The empty promise of a main event rematch, one that was begging to happen, kind of left a bad taste in everyone's mouth. And soon after Wrestlemania the "InVasion" angle began, which basically tried to make 1/4 of a defunct, barely-watched company that five years ago was real competition into a legitimate threat to the WWF. They weren't.
BEYONCE: Yeah, the Invasion needed more big names, to be sure. Plus, it was just too all- inclusive of every angle for something that they didn't seem especially committed to. Let's be honest, the impetus to this whole thing was Lance Storm superkicking Perry Saturn? Certainly an inauspicious debut.
ALBERT: You're a very wise lady, Beyonce. Now, I don't like to think about the InVasion too much, because it reminds me of the girl that I liked with a boyfriend for four years. Now, I liked this girl for a really long time, even before that fucking awful baseball player daughter chick, but she had a boyfriend from forever! Isn't that awful, Tony?
TONY: ::starts into a big box of sweet and sour chicken::
ALBERT: What a depressing summer 2001 was for me. On the bright side, one of my favorite wrestlers, the Shane "Hurricane" Helms started to take off, leading into him being the all-star former cruiserweight champion that has jobbed hard the last two weeks on "Velocity." So that was good. Also, at Survivor Series 2001, the Invasion finally ended, although it was unfortunately to the tune of that "I love the way you smack my ass" song. So that was kind of bittersweet. Another great thing in 2001 was the "What?" craze Steve Austin started.
ALBERT: Haha, very funny, Tony.
TONY: No, really, I couldn't hear you...because I was EATING so much!
ALBERT: ahahahahaha, good one, man. So yeah, 2001, a strange year. At least a great new star was created, of course I mean Rob Van Dam. You there, buddy?
ROB VAN DAM: Hey, bro, I'm just taking it easy, man! I'm just letting you do your thing, you know? And hey, that's cool, recapping well-known events, repeating popular opinion, stealing old jokes, that's your thing - that's what works for you. But I do my own thing, dude, and that's being ROB VAN DAM.
GREG MADDUX: I think you're forgetting the bra and panties match at the Invasion PPV, between the lovely WCW ladies Stacy and Torrie, and the hot WWF divas, Lita and Trish!
MY KURT ANGLE ACTION FIGURE: Stop that right now. That match, which had Mick Foley as special guest referee for no reason at all, was completely indicative of the wastrel-esque behavior that WWF constantly chose to exhibit it with one of their greatest performers ever. It was bizarrely stupid stunts like that which led the living legend to leave the WWF entirely, shortly after that aforementioned Survivor Series PPV.
ROADBLOCK: Let's just say that the year 200ONE just wasn't a lot of FUN.
ALBERT: Well, if there's one thing that can be said about 2001 and 2002, it's that Regal hit a lot of people with brass knuckles. Anyway, 2002 is very possibly still going on, although it's hard for me to even care what the year is when this girl, who gave me every single sign there is, right? Totally led me on and then all of a sudden told me she had a boyfriend. And then she told me she dumped her boyfriend, and she's all like, hey, let's hang out, come up to my room, yeah, you know you want it, by the way, I'm still getting over my boyfriend, you stupid son of a bitch. Ugh. But those nefarious deeds pale to the havoc wreaked on the WWF by the nWo. Although their original plan of costing beloved babyfaces Tazz and Spike Dudley their tag team titles to Test and Booker T was somehow scrapped, they still were able to cause a fair share of turmoil, both backstage and among "smark fans."
ROB VAN DAM: I don't know, those dudes are alright.
ALBERT: Of course, the nWo preceded "the split," or should I say "the shit," an idea that although still in practice, has seemed to been on deathwatch since day one. Basically, the WWF's roster isn't as strong as they seem to think it is, and instead of giving us two solid shows with different guys, which I don't think anyone would complain about, they're giving us guys like Shawn Stasiak and Mark Henry on TV. People who I'm sure are nice enough guys, but just aren't talented at being sports entertainers.
BEYONCE: MICHELLE CAN YOU HANDLE IT
ALBERT: That's precisely it, those also-rans simply can't handle the demands of being a wrestler at the highest stage in our business. At least it's given a chance for a lot of these developmental guys who at one time I thought we'd never see, like Brock Lesnar, Randy Orton, John "Prototype" Cena and Deacon "Leviathan" Batista. Again, that's a little bit of a problem, because with maybe a couple exceptions, they're just throwing these guys out on TV with no real characters or intriguing storylines: Randy Orton is just a young dude who wrestles. At least they're trying, though, right?
ROADBLOCK: One thing that has to be TOLD, is the story of Stone COLD.
ALBERT: FUNAKI: In-DEED. In what has to be the biggest story of the year, Stone Cold Steve Austin walked out of the WWF, or should I say the WWE. We all know about that so let's not mention it any longer.
TONY: What? Oh, just so you know, I said that as a joke - because Steve Austin used to say that. Well, maybe he still does, I don't really know. Actually, wait, I'm sure that he still says the word "What?" because, let's face it, it's a pretty standard word in conversation. Alright, forget I said anything. I'll get back to my eggy rows.
ALBERT: Well guys, the year 2002 has been a pretty crappy one, but it's at least been one worth talking about, right? I mean, the split, the nWo, Austin leaving, Rock never being a regular performer again, Hogan's big return, the name change, Vince Russo's fake-out return, and so on. Final words?
ROADBLOCK: I'd like to say to CRZ, it's cool that you recap for FREE.
STAN LEE: Excelsior!
TONY: ::stops eating, wishes CRZ and the site well::
GREG MADDUX: CRZ, you need to bring back that Chris Jones guy. I mean, Sedawg kind of seems like he loves whacking off, but not as much as Chris Jones did. I could relate to him.
ROB VAN DAM: ::was depushed from being in this part of the article because he accidentally busted Albert open while saying "I don't know, those dudes are alright" a few lines ago::
MY KURT ANGLE ACTION FIGURE: This article has been pedestrian at best. Where was the talk of WWFE's IPO? Or the PTC controversy? Or the Rock's movie career? Or Mick Foley's books? Or Jerry Lawler walking out of the company? Or ECW going out of business? Or WWF's purchase of the WCW? Or Michael Cole sucking as a color commentator?
BEYONCE: I'M NOT GONNA DIS YOU ON THE INTERNET
CHRIS JERICHO: Well, you better not, JUNIOR.
ALBERT: Peace, we outta here! CRZ, I gotta say, that one time, when my father was dying, and you quit your job as a hospital to come down here in Florida and be with me, and make sure he was getting what he needed, that was huge, brother. I was like, wow, that's the way I want to treat people.