PICK 'EM WRESTLEMANIA
Before I get started, here are three hard, undeniable facts about professional wrestling:
... Tazz is short.
... Dean Malenko is short.
... The Big Show is very tall.
And now, moving along, here are my picks and angry commentary for Wrestlemania X-8, live from the lovely and innovative SkyDome in Toronto, Ontario, Canada.
Rikishi & Scotty II Hotty & Phat Albert v. Test & Mr. Perfect & Lance Storm
I actually forgot who the third guy is supposed to be, how embarrassing. Or is it? Anyway, the faces win and everyone dances, which, sadly, could be the high point of Wrestlemania. Three Cool.
European Championship: Diamond Dallas Page [champion] v. Christian
Obviously Christian should win, but what good does that do him? If they're trying to get him over and give him a purpose and future feuds with guys and stuff, the European title is not going to do it. What European champion ever gets anything out of it? DDP hasn't done dick with it besides this thing with Christian, who will probably win here, wrestle Page again on Smackdown or something, beat him again, and then that'll be that, because there are better things to think about than what DDP and Christian are doing.
So, in summary, I predict Christian wins, beats DDP again, does nothing, and this was all useless if mildly entertaining for a couple of weeks. Christian.
Edge v. Booker T
Hey, I know, I want a feud between two guys people care about, and to base it ENTIRELY on shampoo and appearances on The Weakest Link! That's great! I mean, I can understand half-assing something with Perry Saturn or Val Venis, but why here? This could be one of those mid-card feuds that get things going for two rising stars, but instead I get Japanese people and what's up with their nasty ass hair, not to mention that Booker T is really stupid! And when you call him stupid, boy does he get upset! Also he has a funky hairdo, which may or may not indicate that he doesn't even use shampoo in the first place! This match should be good! I don't really care! Edge.
Kurt Angle v. Kane
I'll tell you what, I don't get it, my friends. I think the vast majority of us can all agree that Kurt Angle is pretty awesome in every way, and that he is perhaps only behind The Rock and Stone Cold in terms of total worth as a WWF personality. And they give me a match with Kane? Fucking goddamn useless stupid Kane? Seriously, dudes, here's the preview from Wrestlemania.com:
It's Kane against Kurt Angle ... the Big Red Machine against the Big Red, White and Blue Machine ... a 7-foot monster against your Olympic hero -- and there can only be one winner!
Well, WOW. Someone go get me new pants, because I have LITERALLY pissed myself. I am that excited! I am anxious to find out who will win! Will it be KURT ANGLE?! Will it be KANE?! Well, on the one hand, Kurt Angle is a tremendous technician with Olympic Gold Medals, and, as we all know, he has a mean streak in him! Kane, on the OTHER hand, is really fucking tall and also strong! This is a true clash of worlds! Ugh. Kurt Angle.
Women's Championship of the Women's World: Jazz [champion] v. Lita v. Trish
Let's break this down scientifically, and decide just what WWF Diva has the true upper-hand.
Boobs: The first thought is Trish, but sometimes her boobs are so compressed that they a) must hurt, and, b) scare me. So I'll go with Lita, whose boobs are just fine by this cowboy.
Butt: Trish in a cakewalk. She gots some jizunk in the trizunk, dawg.
Wrestling Moves: Well Lita does a moonsault of sorts, Trish does a bulldog of sorts, and Jazz does lots of sorts of things. Trish, however, finds neat new ways to perform her devastating finishing maneuver, so she gets the duke in this category.
By my count, that's a Trish win. But Jazz has set the world afire with dominating victories, a really ugly face, a hideous body, and unstoppable brutality (except when Trish loses her shirt, then it's ON and ain't no JAZZ gonna stop her!). And she's yet to even say a word, which leaves me to believe that she's probably about as stupid as Booker T. And they're both black. For shame, WWF. Lita.
Tag Team Championship: Billy & Chuck [champions] v. APA v. Hardy Boyz v. Dudley Boyz
Billy and Chuck have gotten decreasingly humorous over the last month or so, and I think the novelty is wearing off with them being gays. The weird thing here, to me, is that APA has been a tag team since 1999, and have hardly done anything. I mean, relatively speaking. I guess part of that is that the Dudleyz/Hardyz/E&C stuff took up like a year of the tag team division, painting that wonderful picture that one actually existed. But oh it was a mirage. This match could be okay, but I figure it'll be a lot like that four-way at Wrestlemania XIII that was just awful. At least this one's for the title, I suppose. Hardy Boyz.
Ric Flair v. The Undertaker
The more I think about it, the more I don't see how this match hurts. It'll probably be not great, but I'm guessing they want to keep Undertaker undefeated at Wrestlemania, and beating Flair doesn't hurt anyone, keeps Undertaker in the spotlight against a name opponent, and frees the main eventers from losing to him. Actually, I kinda wish Undertaker was wrestling Jericho, and that he'd kill him. That would be nice. SOUPBONE. Obviously, I think Undertaker wins, but if they just make it a "streetfight" thing, this could be a "sleeper" match on the card in terms of like, being good and stuff. But of course a bunch of sissy girls will say Flair carried Undertaker, and that the match was "pretty okay but Flair was awesome. Flair is God so STFU, I am the Netcop." Oops. Undertaker.
Intercontinental Championship: William Regal [champion] v. Rob Van Dam
If Rob Van Dam doesn't win this match, I will eat my hat. If he doesn't win this match, then the WWF is absolutely retarded and I don't know what else to say. Rob Van Dam.
Stone Cold Steve Austin v. Scott Hall
These two dudes might be my favorite two dudes of all-time. Well, maybe two of three, anyway. I dunno. Anyhow, I like these guys a whole lot, but, frankly, I could think of better things for Austin to be doing at Wrestlemania in the year of 2002. Like, perhaps, wrestling The Rock for the WWF championship, and losing to him, and then they shake hands and drink beer. Lots of optimists out there think that Austin is great enough to carry Hall to at least a "decent" match, and perhaps a "good" one. I ask what that does to deter me from saying, "I would rather see Austin and Rock have a great match together than Austin and Rock having an okay match and a shitty one with two old farts who won't be in the company in a year," but that's obviously not part of the optimism.
Going back to me liking these two, I am guilty of hoping this will be good, too, but my expectations grow increasingly low every time I see the nWo doing anything. Austin SHOULD be able to get a decent match out of Hall, but maybe he can't. The hope here, of course, is that the match WILL be pretty good and it will be a pleasant, if bittersweet, surprise. I suppose Kevin Nash will get involved and Austin will lose just to annoy me further. Scott Hall.
Undisputed Championship: Chris Jericho [champion] v. Triple H
You see, a bit less than a year ago, Chris Jericho, then a plucky babyface on the rise, injured Triple H, then a heel that yelled and kicked some ass, and put him on the shelf for about seven months. Triple H came back in January, won the Royal Rumble, and is now out for revenge, and, as luck would have it, the Undisputed Championship! He also divorced his wife, Hooters McBigtits, and she then formed an alliance with Jericho! These two were formerly mean to one another, but have united to keep HHH from becoming a five-time Federation champion at all costs!
This would be great if it had been involved in the storyline, but instead I get Stephanie screeching and Jericho running errands and HHH's dog getting run over by a car and HHH being boring and Jericho hitting HHH in the leg with a sledgehammer before any of this even remotely comes up, so piss on this match, because I do not care who wins. I've got the suspicion that Stephanie will reunite with HHH and this has all been a ruse, but the WWF isn't quite that stupid. Right? HHH.
Hollywood Hulk Hogan v. The Rock
You know the thing about dream matches is they're a dream for a reason: because they can't happen. I'd sure love to see the '27 Yankees play the Big Red Machine, but let's say that I actually put that on the field, right. All the Yankees are dead and the Reds are old and shitty.
For a slightly more relative matchup, let's say the '01 Mariners and the, uh, '83 Orioles. I think, quite obviously, the Mariners would win since they're still playing baseball, and the Orioles would be very, very shitty since it was a long damn time ago that they were what they were. Now I'm not saying Hogan's name isn't gigantic, but this isn't the Hulk Hogan you'd put in any dream matches. My dream match version of Hogan isn't 49 years old and doesn't wear boas, and doesn't say "BOW DOWN WHEN SCOTT HALL COMES TO YOUR TOWN." He says things such as, "Whatcha gonna do," and, "Rip 'em, brother! HOOSH," and, "Wh-wh-what's that SMEEEEEELL?"
So if this were in-his-prime Hulk Hogan against current Rock, then sure, that's a dream match. But my dreams hardly contain crappy old men with disgusting old man muscles and outlandishly bald heads and no grip on current popular lingo. In fact, my dream wrestling matches that could happen right now involve The Rock and Steve Austin. Rock.
IN THE END...
....this Wrestlemania does not have me excited. I actually can't believe it's this close to the show, because I seriously don't care. It's sad, kind of. I was sure excited for last year's show, and for 2000. The only hope I hold out is that Hogan and Hall will both be squashed, Austin and Rock will murder the nWo and send them packing, and then HHH will get mad about that (for some reason), lose to Austin quickly, and then The Rock will wrestle Austin for half an hour, winning the WWF title and holding it high in the air for all to see. At the end, a celebration will commence, and Jim Ross will proclaim it to be the greatest night of his entire life. The King will, surprisingly, agree.
Then the WWF forgets the Invasion, nWo, Austin heel turn(s), and idea of a split ever happened, they start over from last April, this time with Angle and Jericho at the top of the card, and things go from there. If only.