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Mark Q. Chumly





Why on Earth wasn't Sting wearing his makeup on Monday night? I really didn't understand. And who exactly is this J. J. Dillon character that Mr. Sting was confronting? Is he important in some way?

I do love that Torrie Wilson gal. I wonder when she'll be allowed to wrestle? I bet she's fantastic. The thing that baffles me is why she hangs around those three tiny wrestlers and the one fat bald one that always walks like he's about to break into a house. My idea for the next Nitro involves the lovely Ms. Wilson wrestling against the Macho Man's valet in a high-flying action spectacle. I mean, we never get to see women doing spectacular moves, and I don't understand it. If Luchadors who can't even speak English can do hurry-can-ranas, why can't pretty American women? Vince Russo, I hope you're reading this! We want Torrie Wilson doing hurry-can- ranas!

Who is this Jeff Jarrett character and why is he the chosen one? I thought Buff was the chosen one! Is Jarrett related to Buff in some way? Why was he calling the Total Package "Lex"? Why was he calling the Powers To Be "The Powers That Be"? I don't understand his character, or his motivation, and I think that he should immediately be removed from WCW TV until the writers can think of something better.

Chris Benoit. All I can think of when I see him is, "why are such ugly men allowed on this television program?" I mean, the man's face is simply unacceptable for broadcast! He's missing teeth, and has a scary grimace, and, from what I've seen, can't wrestle a lick. Why, during that match against the fabulous Boris Malenko, he only threw punches and kicks! What good is he? His spot should be filled with someone who has a little more experience in the business, like the wonderful gentlemen of the Insane Clown Patrol. Speaking of them, where have they been lately? I'd really like to see more of them.

Why was Sting allowed to use a bat on the Nasty N-A-S-T-Y Boy Brian Knobs? I thought the referees could look at the replay! Sting obviously assaulted the man with a bat, yet he advances in the tournament anyway. What a sham. Matches like this sometimes make me wonder if this thing is real, anyway, because I don't think a painted mime like Sting could ever take a real man like the Nasty Boy if it were. Even with a bat.

All in all, I thought that this WCW show lacked a lot. Once problems like Chris Benoit and J. J. Dillon are removed and real men like the Nasty Boy and Torrie Wilson are allowed to advance, it will become much better.

On the WWF:

What is WITH these "Outlaw" characters? They are obviously not cowboys of any sort, they are always in wrestling gear and never wear such things as wide-brimmed 10-gallon hats and dusty trenchcoats. How are they supposed to be believable? I'm glad they dropped their cowboy gimmicks and have re-joined the illustrious nWo again. It is much better for them.

I am relieved to see that the always-amazing Viscera is receiving his much-deserved push. He is very large, and that counts for quite a lot in today's wrestling market. I'd take Viscera over puny Kane or Chris Jericho any day.

Who are these Hollys that keep appearing on RAW is WAR? They claim to be 800 pounds. I can't be certain, but I don't think that's true. Why do they both have "Hardcore Holly" on their trunks? Are they supposed to be clones or what? If it turns out that they are clones, I will fully understand why they weigh 800 pounds. Clones, in my experience, are usually very fat. Take Doink, for example, or the fat member of the Insane Clown Patrol. They are both very fat.

Why is the Big Boss Man allowed to do the things that he does? It is obvious that WWF security is vastly inferior to WCW security. Why was he allowed to strike the Giant with a hammer with no repercussions? I wonder if anybody called the police? If someone struck me with a hammer, I should hope that a friend or family member would call the police on the offending person. What kind of society do we live in?

This week's RAW is WAR was pretty good. If the federation could concentrate on their real stars like Viscera and Chyna instead of such bores as Stone Cold Austin and the overweight (and not in a good way, like Viscera) Man Kind, it could really take off. I believe that the WWF has the talent and creativity to one day overtake WCW in the ratings war.

Mark Q. Chumly

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Guest column text copyright (C) 1999 by the individual author and used with permission