|WCW Nitro Girls PPV||
|by Chris Jones|
Greetings, horn dogs!
I wasn't actually going to recap this... I had other engagements while the show was on, but due to several people asking me if I was going to do it, I gave in and a buddy of mine was kind enough to tape it. And besides, when you think of hot wrestling women in skimpy outfits, you think Chris Jones! Hmm... wait, that's not right. Uh... anyway...
Before we get going, a few notes:
I've gotten quite a few positive notes about my "Michael Cole as Joel Gertner" idea, mentioned in my last column. So as I've suggested in e-mail, if you have ANY suggestion for the WWF (be it Cole as Gertner or anything else), write ╬em at their feedback address and tell them so. And, of course, if Cole ever does strut out and proclaim himself Michael "the chicks know their role when I show ╬em my pole" Cole, remember where you heard it first.
And on that note... since I've finally stopped getting letters about my "Come Get Some" review, it's time to take a look at another T&A exhibition! So away we go!
Since I'm not as up on the Nitro Girls as I am the ladies of the WWF, I popped over to WCW.COM and took a look at their Nitro Girls section. I read a little on each of them, but mainly looked at the pictures (hey, I DO my homework!). So I'm ready to comment on them as needed. And since this features an actual group, as opposed to the individual ladies featured in the WWF tape, I'm sure there will be far more references in this review to orgies, group sex, and lesbian activity in general. And I wouldn't have it any other way! Would you?
An ad just before the event shows multiple cleavage shots with the announcer claiming "the Nitro Girls fulfill your wildest fantasies...". Let's get one thing straight... nowhere in my fantasies do girls take off their bikini tops or take their hands off their breasts as they turn away from the camera, just as it fades out. So if that's all this is, I'm going to be very disappointed. Not to mention Eric Bischoff's tease on Nitro that they couldn't show any footage of the show on TV.
So there had better be some bare breasts, exposed asses, or vibrator action for it to live up to the billing it's gotten. And if it falls short, rather than blame the girls for being teases, I'll put the blame squarely on Bischoff and WCW for hyping it like they did. Cool? Cool.
The opening features rapid shots of the Nitro Girls in beach wear. Then we have a roll-call. I'll run the girls down for you (with my thoughts, of course):
CHAE - she's a hottie, no doubt. I want to see the nipple slip footage!
SPICE - petite, perky, blonde. I dig her!
FYRE - the token redhead. In my personal opinion, her breasts are far too fake looking. Not too big... just so obviously fake that it ruins the image. They're not supposed to stick out at 90 degree angles. Damn!
AC JAZZ - she does nothing for me. Nothing at all.
TYGRESS - see above.
STORM - she's not too bad. Is she new?
KIMBERLY - probably the hottest one of the bunch... but when nude pictures of you surface every few months, it kills the mystery and people move on to chicks who's appendix scars we've yet to see.
The girls are in a pool... Chae dunks the camera, and THIS is THE NITRO GIRLS SWIMSUIT CALENDAR SPECIAL! FEEL the excitement!
Footage of the girls dancing from Nitro. "Ya'll ready?" "Yeah!"
More footage flies. "I'm Fyre. I have red hair. And I have a pretty hot temper." WOW! Only 10 bucks for this in-depth look into their lives? "Hello, I'm Tygress. Princess... Tiger... Tygress." Yeah... whatever. Fyre says something about twinkle toes. "I am Spice of the Nitro Girls." Woo Hoo! "I'm all sass." Tell ╬em, sister! "Hi, my name is Storm." Hi Storm! "I'm the intense one of the group." Yes, a regular Benoit, I'm sure. "I'm AC Jazz. I have no reason." No, I have no reason... to WATCH this! "My name is Chae. I guess you could say I'm the more playful one." I've got something for her to... nah, too early. "My name's Kimberly. I'm a very busy person. I'm a busy bee." Shots of Kimberly doing busy bee type things. "About two years ago I started the Nitro Girls and I'm now the team's director." When was she NOT the director? Kim talks about having handpicked each girl. Spice talks about different personalties. Chae is backstage eating a banana (oooh!). Kimberly doesn't think we know about all the work that goes into being a Nitro Girl. It's a good thing they're going to show us what it takes with this special about... oh yeah, about their breast implants and tight asses. Nobody expected the Nitro Girls to take off like they have, says Fyre. Everyone seems to think it's fun. Footage continues to flash. Chae speaks with an accent... I didn't think she did, for some reason. Now they talk about the fans. Chae calls the girls a "sisterhood". Spice confirms they're like a family. Chae has always wanted sisters, now she's got 6. I bet they ARE like sisters... sisters who practice INCEST! Where's the T&A already?!
Ahh... here we go! The magnificent seven are in a swimming pool as Kimberly promises us we'll see a side of them we've never seen before. An ass comes into view... why, it's AC Jazz coming into the pool. And we're supposed to think she's TOPLESS! Because girls hang around each other naked all the time... where have you been? Tygress and Kimberly are close (like sisters!). Tygress knows secrets about everybody. So does Kim. But Kim's the only one with no secrets. Tygress knows of one! Kim doesn't think so! Is this reading like a "Dick, Jane, and Spot" book? It should... that's the way it's coming across. Now we're off to...
Chae's in front of a sunrise or a sunset. She's got on a mesh top... I see NIPPLES! YES! Maybe this won't be a total waste of my time. There's her ass, too! Now Kim is posing in a bikini that covers far too much of her. I'd ask where her nipples are... but who hasn't already seen ╬em? AC Jazz is lounging around in a blue bikini. More Chae... she's in a thin dress that's see-through around the middle. There's a nice slit up the side of the dress.
Back at the pool, AC, Chae, Fyre, and Fyre's fake breasts sit around the pool. AC thinks Chae looked beautiful. Fyre talks about how hot Chae is. Ha! I knew they were dyking it up! Then they talk about the nipple slip. But no FOOTAGE! SCREW YOU, WCW! Chae, jokingly, says she planned the nipple slip for the attention it would get. Coming up next, footage of "Amy". Who? Oh, Amy and AC Jazz are one in the same, apparently. Fyre says the second time she came to AC's house, Amy was vacuuming naked! What was she doing with the attachments? And what happened the FIRST time Fyre came over? They don't tell us! The fuckers!
She's the luckiest Nitro Girl ever, due to her fun photo shoots. So I can assume the other girls have bad ones? AC and Spice are riding jet skies. AC pets some dolphins with Spice and Kim. Now AC swims with a stingray. She IS the luckiest Nitro Girl! After that, she went rollerblading! How can she take all the excitement? AC and Chae pose together. Chae's rubbing AC's leg. Ah yeah! Ditch the linen and get down to some sinnin'! Spice rubs her boobs while sitting on a jet ski. I'm jealous of the jet ski. AC is topless on the beach, covering herself with her hands.
Back at the pool, Kim's lying topless on her stomach while Fyre rubs lotion on her. I couldn't possibly be making this up... it's like a really bad porno movie. No plot, shitty dialogue, and NO SEX! Storm, AC, and Spice talk in the pool. Storm complains about the others having fun aboard the cruise ship while she and Fyre had to work out. Not fair! But surely, the workout turned into an "exploration" of each others bodies! Right? Right?!
ECSTASY (the cruise ship)
Fyre and Storm work out. The camera pans back and forth as they do curls, but focuses mainly on Fyre's plastic boobs. Spice and AC are posing on the ship's deck. Spice rubs the crotch of her suit! Go Spice! AC wiggles her butt. Spice is in a thong, if you're trying to picture this. Fyre and Storm are now on the exercise bikes. Tygress is sunning herself on the deck in a green bikini. Fyre and Storm are still on the bikes. If they were on the decks, Fyre would stop at the first lounge chair... and Storm would stop at the first food table! Oh, the comedy! Spice and Chae are in the pool, sitting on the deck. Chae has her legs wrapped around Spice's body. They slowly inch towards one another on the deck, then start laughing. Chae tries riding an inflatable dolphin and falls over. She gets back on and stays on by humping on it. Yeah! Grind that thing ╬till it pops! I'm referring to the dolphin, of course. Chae and Spice rub each other seductively. Just before the tongue action breaks out, we're taken to more working out with Fyre and Storm. Now AC is up to something. Fyre and Storm do bench pushups while making jokes about their heavy booties. Haha! No, really, it's funny. I wouldn't lie. Fyre's fake breasts glow with sweat.
Kimberly has half her dress falling down in an elevator. Now she's on a couch with a pink bra. Now she's got a button down shirt open, showing a LOT of breast... but no nipples. Kim in the bra again. Then more open shirt action. I'd say it's pretty much all of her, except those all important nips. Back in the elevator, Kim's dress has come back up for some reason. She blows us a kiss.
Chae is preparing for some sort of seaweed wrap. She takes off her robe... she's NEKID! But we don't see anything, of course. And she's just topless anyway. As Chae lays face down, a woman rubs oil on her legs... and then massages them, giving some extra attention to her butt cheeks. And that's no lie. Chae's bikini bottom (or is it her panties?) is pulled down, revealing a Tori-like tatoo on her tailbone. What is it with girls and tatoos there? The woman begins smearing on what I assume is the seaweed. Chae has to flip over, but she keeps her chest covered with her arms. Wimp! She gets wrapped up in foil... then uncovered just as quickly. It doesn't take long, I guess. The woman tells Chae to take a shower. Chae: "Aren't you coming in?" Oh yeah! IN THE SHOWER WITH CHAE! God bless you, Eric Bischoff! Chae removes all the seaweed, never once letting her hands stray from her breasts. It must be tough to get clean like that. But I dig it anyway! This is easily the highlight of the tape thus far.
Back at the pool of fun, Kim's in a floating chair with Chae and Tygress next to her. Kim wonders what Tygress meant earlier about Kim's secret. Apparently, the Nitro Girls tried to hire a choreographer and when he was given a tape of them in action, it was actually a tape of Kim and DDP in action... if you know what they mean! And the dude didn't make COPIES? And SELL them? Fuck him and fuck this show for even bringing it up! The bastards!
Kim likes South Beach. She's sitting on the beach talking. In the water, she poses with a small bikini... or maybe paint on her chest. I can't tell. We fade to...
Nothing. That was IT?! F!
In the pool o' doom, Spice is in a floating chair now. Storm and Fyre are with her. Fyre holds a plastic ball that reminds me of her breasts. Kim walks up with some bubbly and glasses to celebrate their calendar. They're all gettin' drunk! And you know how easy girls are when they're drunk. Don't you? C'mon... tell me you do!
Spice is nipping in a flowery green top. She and AC ride jet skis again. More action with Kim, AC, Spice, and the dolphins. I've heard that while swimming with people, dolphins have been known to try forcing themselves on unsuspecting people. No luck here, however. You know, Kim, a dolphin would be a step up from DDP. At least they're clean!
Chae and Fyre ride horses along the beach. You know how when you're riding a horse, there's usually a bouncing motion? Well, if you didn't, you wouldn't know by watching Fyre's breasts. Storm is in a little canoe. She rubs her chest and her legs. Then she poses. Then she rubs. Then she paddles away. She's an odd duck, Storm is.
Chae and Spice are back in the pool of life, both with drinks and strawberries. Chae drops her trunks and shows her tatoo. Spice does it TOO! Even SHE has a damn tailbone tatoo! Here's a special look at...
Chae talks about how much fun this all is. A makeup guy wipes Chae's breasts as she waits to be photographed. What a job! Chae's in a swimsuit that's see-through on the chest. More NIPPLEAGE! Back at the sunrise, we briefly see some more nipple action. Now we're back to Chae in the dress with the see-through stomach. Chae kisses a horse (no, not AC Jazz!). Chae's riding the horse in the water and it's feet can't touch the ground. If it's drown and have Chae ride you, or live and have Chae not ride you... I'd take the drowning!
Now all the girls are around the pool once more. Tygress suggests getting down, which is apparently not like her. Hey, they once mooned the wrestlers! Where's the footage of that? Tygress suggests a game of truth or dare. I dare her to pull down Kimberly's trunks and give her a good... wait, we're off to...
FREEPORT (Again?! What about truth or dare? Damn it!)
Kim's in a yellow bikini. When she's on all fours, her boobs really look heavy. A brief aerial shot of her in a pool shows us how her breasts look from above. Then it's back to all fours. How does her back hold them up? Kim swims in the pool. Another all fours shot. MY back hurts just watching. Kim's topless in the pool, covering herself. An all fours shot goes right in at her cleavage. In the pool, she's still covering herself. She walks off, pulling her hands down, but not facing us. Bitch! No, wait... Bischoff SUCKS!
Now we're taken to... two ugly white guys?! It's RON RICCO, photographer, and JERRY CROFT, director, who talk about the shoot. They talk about "Terri" while Fyre sits in a bikini. I guess they're so tight that they know Fyre's REAL name! Dolphins jump around the dock Fyre sits on, but Fyre is forced to remain in the same position. It's hard for her... but her breasts manage easily.
On another dock, Tygress strikes a pose in a bikini. Fyre is in the water below with a bikini of her own. We alternate between the two of them. Nice booty shots of Tygress. Fyre nearly drowns but her breasts keep her afloat.
Back at the pool, the game continues and Tygress chooses "dare". Kim wants her to take advantage of the viewing audience and says Tygress should do her "booty shake". Tygress stands with her SIDE to the camera and shakes it. Wow! I certainly didn't want to see her backside as she did that! For that would have been pleasing!
Tygress had to rollerblade but didn't know how. I guess she learned. Tygress relates well to Fyre "moral and value wise". Uh... okay. Footage from a photo shoot on the beach is all we see here.
Back at the pool... it's Storm's turn! She takes truth. She has to tell us something about her bedroom. She has a custom-made bed made of scrap metal and car parts. The girls donated various sex toys to the bed, apparently. I know I'm better off having learned that!
BLUE LAGOON (but no Brooke Shields)
Storm and Chae are workin' it in their swimwear. Storm's wet suit is open on top. Chae's against a tree. They switch back and forth.
Now Kim's under a shower-on-the-beach, wearing a bikini with not much material on top. She rubs her breasts, just because. She gives her best sexy looks over her shoulder as the water flows down. She adjusts her bikini bottom from the front... then from the back. Must be riding up, I guess. Another sexy look... and again she pulls the bottom out of her butt. That's why you try them on BEFORE going to the beach, Kim. We're given a head to toe shot... then another sexy look fades us out.
It's another sunset... or sunrise, who knows, who cares. It's Fyre with ace bandages wrapped around her chest for a top. Now she's in a cave looking serious. Because in a cave, serious is the ONLY way to look! She leaps out of the water... and even in slow motion, no breast movement is detected. Shots of her in a bikini. Again, she jumps out of the water but her breasts can't be bothered to move.
The fun continues back at the pool. Spice is forced into a dare. She has to give everyone a table dance! Yeah, baby! Do it, Spice! Take it off! Spice rises and does some dancing right on the deck, despite there being no table in site. But she IS wearing a thong, so that's a bonus. A few of the girls pour water on her... because girls DO that sort of thing!
She had to get up at 4 in the morning. Poor Spice! But it's all good as now she's laying topless in the sand. Now she's back on the jet skis. AGAIN with the jet skis? More dolphins. AGAIN with the dolphins? And... that's it. Shit!
Back at the pool, it's Fyre, Chae, and AC. Fyre wants some truth and talks about an "erotic" shoot with Chae and AC. Chae talks bout how beautiful the female body is. "When two people come together, if the chemistry is there, it doesn't matter what gender you are... anything goes. There's nothing two people can do that's wrong." Hey Chae, how about MURDER? Rape? Robbery? Oh well. At least we know Chae's bi. That's almost worth ten bucks!
RETURN TO BLUE LAGOON (still no Brooke)
This must be the "erotic" photo shoot. AC and Chae sit on top of a bench on the beach. We saw some of this earlier. Chae has on an orange shirt that's wide open in front. They pretend as if they're not following offstage directions to act sexy. Somebody rubs up somebody else's leg. How erotic! Chae then throws off her clothes and straddles AC's face. No, that didn't happen. That would make this COOL! And as we know, that's a no-no.
Now Storm's posing in a bikini. She's in the water, on the beach... she's all over! Is that a toilet behind her? What appears to be pit-hair is actually a shadow... whew! I think that IS a toilet! A purple toilet on a beach. What will they think of next?
Now Tygress wiggles it (just a little bit). Nothing groundbreaking here. She leans over for a nice cleavage shot. Then she's in a hammock. A nice booty shot.
Back to the two goofy white guys, who bitch about the weather during the shoot. They didn't know what to do while it rained. How about getting the girls in white t-shirts and rounding up a game of volleyball? Noooo! That would have required THINKING on your part! You sorry bastards! Despite the rain they got pictures of Chae in a yellow see-through number with suns on the nipples. The rain let up and they noticed a small island about 5 feet from the shore. What, they couldn't see it in the rain? That must have been SOME storm. Chae's in her see-through top bathing suit, but no nipples. Argh!
Back at the pool, Tygress, AC, and Fyre are rappin' philosophical-like. Fyre's truths are too hot for TV. Yeah, I'll bet. Tygress talks about how sarcastically witty Fyre is and Fyre acts like that public revelation upsets her. Apparently, Fyre only goes for guys who wine her, dine her, and buy her expensive things. What a stuck up hoochie! Fyre only likes "big" guys with a great sense of humor. I hear John Tenta is a riot, Fyre!
Fyre and her plastic breasts talk about the dolphin shoot where she couldn't move. Fyre wanted to look but she couldn't. Aw! She poses in a pool and says "Buff ain't' got shit on me, baby!"
Back at the pool, Kim, Spice, and Storm sit around. Spice discusses what turns her on in a man. I'd listen, but I read on WCW.COM that she's married. No chance of that action... anytime soon, that is. Kim says it's not WHO turns her on, but WHAT turns her on. So she's easy? Cool! It's music and candlelight if you ever want into Kim's panties. Getting some tattoos and not showering probably wouldn't hurt either. Storm's into smart guys. Figures! We fade into "the most romantic place on Earth", according to Kimberly...
Apparently Kim has never seen Paris. But she's married to DDP, what can you expect? Spice poses on a lifeguard tower. Hey, I see tan lines! I haven't yet commented on how totally flat-chested Spice is... but then again, I don't care. Kim is bikini clad in several locations. More shots of her on all fours and I suddenly have the urge to fluff my pillows.
Back at the pool, everybody's gathered round for some fun! Chae says the question they get asked most often is "who's your favorite wrestler?" Well, that's actually third just behind "how much for two of you?" and "can I play with your boobies?", which Mike Tenay never seems to quit asking. Tygress has to start off... her favorite is Kevin Nash, cause he's big and sexy. You know, he should use that! It'd be a cool little nickname. Aside from DDP, Kim's favorite is "the icon of all wrestling, Hollywood Hogan". So THAT explains DDP's push. "Sure, brutha, you can main event with me, Leno, and the basketball players... just send Kim over to my dressing room in half an hour." AC Jazz prefers the Macho Man and Ric Flair. You know, I notice a pattern here... where's Benoit, Jericho, Malenko, etc? Do the girls even WATCH the show? Storm prefers Booker T, but there's this new wrestler named "Sunny" that's really nice eye-candy. No, not Onoo... some Hawaiian guy. Uh... come down off the LSD, Storm. Either that or they planned to debut some dude before now.
Storm talks about how great everything is, how nice the calendar will be, etc. The Nitro Girls apparently put on some sort of modern dance performance somewhere. If you're not hip to it, modern is slang for "crap".
Back at the pool the wrestler discussion continues. Fyre: "Everyone knows that I'm a wise ass... so it's only natural that Buff Bagwell is my favorite." What the HELL does that mean? Yeah, when I think of wise asses, I think of Buff. Spice likes the cruiserweights. You go, Spice! Screw the script! Chae likes them all... but she prefers Goldberg. Gee, who'd have thought that all the major stars would get a mention?
BACK TO NASSAU
Tygress is posing. Nothing exciting. Fyre poses on the beach and near some building. Her right breast is heard saying "Aren't we DONE yet?! I'm getting tired of this shit!" AC is lying topless on the beach again, still covering herself. Spice is lying topless in the sand, face down, with a little lace thing covering her ass. She raises up JUST enough to get a nipple peek as the camera pans away. God damn it! Work with me here! AC walks around with her chest covered. Spice just lies there.
Back at the pool, the girls are lined up in the pool with their backs to the camera and no straps across their backs. Kim tells us to keep watching for them... and they toss their tops towards the camera. Bah! Screw the whole lot of ya! Cock teases! Uh... I mean, WCW sucks ass! They BLOW! The sons of bitches!
First name in the credits: Eric Bischoff.
What I can only assume are bloopers play in a small frame as the credits roll. Finally, we fade to black.
Good LORD a mercy! This just drug on and on and on and on and... well, on. There's no reason this had to run for 90 minutes. Once I've seen Fyre (or Storm, or Tygress, or...) posing in the water, I don't need to see it again. As a T&A special, it wasn't all that bad... Chae's nipples and the shower scene were, by far, the highlights. Kimberly worked her ╬planties for all they're worth. And Fyre's breasts may look fake, but hey... they're big. But as I said, this could have gone 45 minutes easily and still accomplished the same thing: showing us that the Nitro Girls have big boobies and tight booties.
The interviews and such by the pool were just cheesy as hell. I didn't bother looking in the credits, but I've got money on Jason Hervey being listed as one of the writers for the show. The girls talking during their own video highlights wasn't bad, since it was just each girl talking with somebody. But for the pool crap, they had to be following a script... a script written by 6th graders... in the LD classes... who've suffered serious head trauma. And if they weren't reading one, I pity anyone who has to deal with them on a semi-regular basis.
The final verdict... if you're a big Nitro Girls fan, you probably already ordered it. If you're just looking for some hot chicks, and if Chae and Kim float your boat, I'd invest the cash. But if you're looking for good writing and witty conversation... I'd suggest an episode of Beavis and Butthead.
Good night, my children. I'll see you back for Road Wild!
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