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Chris Jones




Bonjour, people!

Nope, the title wasn't bullshit... before this is said and done, you'll have seen Terri's nipple. Seriously! Aren't you glad you decided to click on this link? Sure you are!

And what do you mean "is this title just a mocking to the letters you get that say you seem to have no respect for women"? How do YOU know I get letters from people telling me that I recap T&A productions so I can convey my sexist convictions? What are you, a damn psychic?

I also get letters such as this from Jake, who says "hey get off your ass and write something! CRZ should fire you, slaker!" But I don't know what that's about. There's not a long time in between pieces from me... it's just that others have so much to say, it just SEEMS like there's never anything new from me. Besides, I'm a recapper! A WCW pay-per-view recapper, to those of you who asked where my SummerSlam report was. It's harder to be funny when the show is... like... GOOD and stuff. And if you think I suck, just imagine how much worse it could be.

But seriously, I like to wait a little bit in between reviews or columns so that my next piece "hits the [slash]" as a majority of you are running through the streets tearing at your hair and clothes while screaming "WHERE'S CHRIS?!". But since that never happens, I put this together to buy myself some time until Fall Brawl. By the way, 10 points to whoever can tell me who in the mainstream world uses the explanation I just gave to explain why he takes lengthy breaks between works. Sub his name for mine, of course.

Anyway... as promised, some of your letters will be included here, as well as the Nitro Girls story I should have never brought up. Not only did I pretty much explain it in the teaser I gave (it doesn't get much more interesting), some people can't accept "wait until my next column" as an answer. But regardless, all that and a few interesting pictures I've come across (including a certain someone's nipple!), and a some pointless observations. Needless to say... this is going to RULE!

Ahh, who am I kidding? It's gonna suck, bail out now.

Still here? Okay. But I warned you!

I've gotten a number of letters for reprinting in Ask Chri... *ahem* ... ASK CHRIS ANYTHING, some more interesting than others. And some that I'll include weren't written with the purpose of being reprinted, but that's just too bad. For example, this correspondence from "bagnad99" (if you don't leave your name, I'll use the first part if your e-mail address) who says:

You suck nobody cares what you have to say about hogan, lots of us like what he's doing so suck it and go write for the nwwwo or something.

Hmm... you know, I think I applied to the nWWWo like a year ago, but they never responded to my application. At least, not that I can remember. Now I know I suck! But what have I missed, are they on an anti-Hogan kick? If they're not, they SHOULD be! So should everybody else. What's WRONG with you people?! Can't you see that cheering for Hogan is wrong? Can't you SEE that?

Luckily, the Hogan support seems to be leveling off. At least now I won't end up trapped in a glass jar in the basement of some Hulkamaniac. Moving on... Alex wants to know:

When's CRZ going to give you your own archive so I don't have to search through all that other stuff?

Good question! What a fine young man! Unfortunately, I deserve my own archive like Rena Mero deserves to pretend she has some sort of skill aside from taking her clothes off, so I wouldn't hold my breath, Alex. Besides, isn't that a question better suited for CRZ? But thanks for asking!

Sam puzzles me with:

isn't claiming to be the most influential thunder recapper on the net an oxymoron?

Um... yes? Feel free to tell me where that's from so I can analyze it further. Next up, Dave sent me the scary e-mail of the day (the month, actually) with:

Hey Chris!

Now that we know who those other Chris's, Hyatte and CRZ, prefer, who's your favorite adult star?

My favorite adult star? Well... I've always been a big fan of Robert De Niro. I like Sharon Stone even if most of the things she's done lately have sucked. I like the girl who plays Buffy the Vampire Slayer on the TV show, but I'm not sure of her age so she may not actually be an adult. I was a Mike Meyers fan back before he did So I Married an Axe Murderer. Screw all you fair-weather Austin Powers fans! I'll be behind him when his Sprockets movie bombs! Will YOU?

Now that I've beat that to death, obviously the question referred to an adult FILM star. I don't know what's worse... the fact that someone wants to know this, or the fact that you feel I actually WATCH that sort of programming! Come on! What kind of pervert do you take me for? But if you must know, there is no one better than Ashlyn Gere. The fact that she's now involved with some adult star indy fed only further proves how great she is. But is this really the in-depth information that you readers are looking for? Surely there's more interesting things to ask about... like the "Coke vs. Pepsi" poll that had the globe captivated over at

But speaking of hot chicks, before I get into my Nitro Girl story (and you didn't forget Terri's nipple, did you?), I'd like to share this letter from Tiffany regarding a portion of the Nitro Girls review that I found amusing:

'Storm's into smart guys. Figures!'

That one line saved you from a flaming, buddy!

Despite my requests, Tiffany refused to deliver on the flame... but I think she'll give in eventually. Maybe printing this letter will push her over the edge. I really don't know what was so bad about the recap... it's not like I was SHOWING you nipples or anything! And on that note, that does it for this look at my letters. Let's get going with some other items!

I'll go ahead and get that Nitro Girls story out of the way. I'm not sure of the timeline here, so my suspicions are that someone picked up the mention that was found in Online Onslaught, which came from a comment from CRZ's Nitro report, and since CRZ mentioned having the same take on the Nitro Girls special that I did (and thus, saw it himself and didn't hear it from me), I don't see why my name should have been mentioned at all. But regardless, it was.

It seems the rumor of Chae's sexual preference began floating around some of the less-than-credible newsboards several weeks ago, with anonymous "sources" being credited. I wish I had sources on the sexual dealings of the women of wrestling. And actually, in one case, it was Tygress who was pegged as being bi-sexual. Where THAT came from, I have no idea. But one alert, yet misguided [slash] wrestling reader e-mailed a reporter spreading the story and said that Chae being bi came from a joke in my recap, CRZ picked it up in his Nitro report, then Rick Scaia picked it up in Onslaught.

Now first, I didn't consider it a joke if Chae meant what she was saying, but something tells me she was told to say it to add "flavor" to the PPV. Regardless, as I mentioned, since CRZ had the same take on it as I did, who's to say he got that from my recap? Anybody who saw the show would draw the same conclusion I did. But the reporter e-mailed me anyway, asking me to "comment" on the situation concerning Chae's love of the female form.

I responded as follows:

"Oh yeah, Chae's a huge dyke! Before she got started as a Nitro Girl, she did a few girl-girl pornos. They're hard to come across now, just like Chastity's movie, because Chae got famous. But if you really look you can find 'em."

Ha-ha, sarcasm from me, story's over. Right? Nope. The reporter (who's name I'm not using to avoid giving the poser any publicity... besides, I heard he's since quit the "reporting" business) actually PRINTED my response like it was legit news, crediting me and everything. Someone e-mailed him and said it wasn't true and the reporter quickly removed the post and issued an apology, saying I was part of the "send fake news to reporters" campaign that's been on-going. I heard about it, laughed, and went about my business.

That's all there is to it... no hilarious ending or anything. But since a few of you sent word that you were following the situation, perhaps more of you saw the stories floating around. So I thought I'd tip off everybody so we can all have a good chuckle at the morons that populate the internet. (No, not ME.)

Terri's nipple is coming soon! Get on the horn and call your friends!

But before we get to that, I'd like to offer up some rather disturbing images for discussion. During the MTV wrestling documentary, which I really dug, there was a scene with the Rock in his locker room. Behold an image of that scene below:

Now to the untrained eye, it seems like a perfectly innocent picture of the most electrifying man... yadda yadda yadda. But my keen skills of observation picked something quite unusual out of that picture, which I have enlarged below:

Correct me if I'm wrong... but is that a stick of Secret in the Rock's bag? I think it IS! The Rock uses a GIRL'S deodorant! Bwahahahahaha!!! What a pansy! What a loser! I can't take the Rock seriously after this. The guy uses the same anti-perspirant that women like Debra and Terri (remember the nipple!) might use. But strangely enough, I can see the Rock doing an ad for Secret.

Rock: Hell, Secret's strong enough for any little jabrone, but it's pH balanced for the GREAT ONE! And if the Rock hears you say that it's only made for chicks, he'll un-cap the stick, turn it sideways, and STICK IT STRAIGHT UP YOUR CANDY ASS!

Normally I wouldn't feel so strongly about a situation like this, but two weeks ago I ran out of deodorant and borrowed my girlfriend's Secret... and she CAUGHT me. She ragged on me for the rest of the day about using a chick product, so I figure the Rock deserves all the flak he can get for actually carrying a stick around with him. I mean, what's next... the Rock saying he can't wrestle because he doesn't feel fresh enough? Let's stop it before it goes any further! We're here for you, Rock!

All right... it's random thoughts from here on out. I TOLD you this was gonna suck.

  • I wish I was a WWF wrestler that Steve Austin doesn't think is over enough to work with. Austin won't work with Jarrett, so they give Jarrett TWO belts... and TWO new breasts! Well, they gave Stacy Carter the new breasts, but you know what I mean. And give props to the King for still popping more for Debra than for his own woman. The WWF really needs to rehire Sunny, if for no other reason than so we can see Lawler's head explode.

  • How many of you also don't get UPN in your area? I called my local cable company and asked about it and the woman said "We don't carry it now, but we keep track of every request we get... and there's been a LOT of requests the past month or so." Cool, says I. So I call back the next day, prepared to alter my voice and add another notch on the request list, only I get a different girl.

    Me: Hi, do you carry UPN?

    Girl: U... P... um... no, I don't think we carry that.

    Me: Uh... okay.

    Girl: Thanks. Bye!

    And she hung up! Ten bucks says she didn't mark some list about my request. I'll never get to see the f'n show! I missed Shawn's heel turn! The debut of the Dudleys! Al Snow eating his DOG, for Christsakes! I hear Al's developed a taste for pets... next week, he eats Miss Kitty! *rim shot*

  • Anyone who hasn't seen the movie Office Space has simply GOT to see it. I saw it 5 times in the theaters and just bought a copy of the video. It's my vote for the best movie of 1999. The only actual star in the movie is Jennifer Aniston, and there's a few people you'll recognize from various things, but even complete nobodies make this a movie worth seeing. It's based on the cartoons of the same name that ran during Saturday Night Live a few years ago. The use of gangster rap throughout the film is priceless and the "field" scene with the fax machine (at least, I think that's what it was) made me laugh harder than I can ever remember laughing at a movie. And I saw the sequel to Teen Wolf! Do yourselves a favor, go rent it. You'll thank me.

  • I've been reading for over a month that Dustin Runnels is going to debut with WCW as a West Texas Redneck. I say... WHY? Stick that flamer with Lenny and Lodi! But he's NOT gay, you say? It was just a WWF angle? Ha! Any man that would divorce Terri Runnels (and her nipple!) has GOT to be a homosexual. She could kill my pets, worship the devil, and make me do all the cooking and cleaning... but as long as I got at least a weekly ride, I'd DEAL WITH IT! So Dustin is obviously into dudes. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

  • I was checking out the other day and I was going to completely rip into it... for example, I'd love to see the planning for that "Britney Spears' First Period" story. Was that even supposed to be funny? But I found that "Phone Call" promo with Samuel L. Jackson pretty damn good. I'm not sure why, I think it's just because I'm a Samuel Jackson fan. Remember that "Three guys playing horse! It's fantastic!" commercial during the NBA strike? I loved that! Anyway, if you're bored I'd suggest taking a listen.

  • Why is it that 7 out of 10 "women of wrestling" sites include fitness model Trish Stratus? Sure, she's hot... but has she EVER been with a wrestling promotion? Has she ever made a single TV wrestling appearance? Hell, Pamela Anderson and Jenny McCarthy have at least been ON television for the WWF a time or two. Yet nobody has pictures of THEM.

  • Remember when there were good sites to find entrance music? Whatever happened to them? If you know of one, by all means, pass it along. If it's your site, I'll even plug it! Assuming it's good, of course.

  • This whole thing with Test and Stephanie McMahon doesn't interest me all that much... but there is one way to salvage the entire thing. Let's say that before the wedding goes down Test follows in the footsteps of his Motley Crew chums Vince Neil and Tommy Lee, making a sex video of himself and Stephanie. Or it could be a G-TV thing. Regardless, Papa Vince quickly sends Stephanie off to a convent to keep her away from her derelict boyfriend. We could see footage of Test trying to find her... but Stephanie rebels, comes back on her own, but turns into a total slut and dumps Test for someone like Val Venis. There's plenty of ways to take it! And it would give Vince ammo for all the critics... "Mr. McMahon, would you let your children watch this?" "Watch it? Hell, that's my daughter bobbing her head over that guy's crotch!"

    Well, I think that'll do it for now. Always end on a high note, I say, and it doesn't get any higher than "that's my daughter bobbing her head over that guy's crotch". I'll see you back for Fall Brawl! In the meantime, drop me a message and we'll get to know each other. Well... not really. But it's the thought that counts.


    Chris Jones
    [slash] wrestling

    Mail the Author

  • BLAH


    Design copyright (C) 1999 Christopher Robin Zimmerman & KZiM Communications
    Guest column text copyright (C) 1999 by the individual author and used with permission

    Terri's Nipple

    Chris Jones




    Oh yeah. You probably want the nipple, don't you? Well, a promise is a promise... you pervert!

    A screen capture from Come Get Some provides the shot. In one of the strobe dancing scenes, which you can learn ALL about from my recap of the video that's found right here on [slash] wrestling, Terri provided the camera a peek at one of nature's bountiful masterpieces. So check out the top left corner for... *clears throat*... TERRI'S NIPPLE!

    At least... that's what I THINK it is.


    Chris Jones
    [slash] wrestling

    Mail the Author



    Design copyright (C) 1999 Christopher Robin Zimmerman & KZiM Communications
    Guest column text copyright (C) 1999 by the individual author and used with permission