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Mark Coale



What if the WWF Booked Prime Time TV?

One of the funny things about the world of wrestling, in compared to the rest of the popular culture world, is its non-cyclical nature. There's no off-season, like in regular sports. And, unlike in television, there are no season premieres or cliffhanger endings. It's always seemed funny when the WWF touts the "season premiere" of RAW or Smackdown, since there's no discernible change in the product, just window dressing like the set or graphics.

As most people know, the new TV season began a couple weeks ago, after being delayed a week after the attacks. And this weekend also saw the annual Emmy Awards event (also coming a few weeks after its originally-scheduled telecast date).

This got me to thinking. What would regular television be like if it was more influenced by the world of wrestling? So, for a few minutes, sit back and just imagine if Vince McMahon was our very own Guy Caballero, the slimy owner and program director of SCTV.


Monday Night Football - To generate some friction in the broadcast booth, a heel commentator is added to the telecast. Out goes Dennis Miller, in comes Lewis Black.


Buffy, the Vampire Slayer - The Scooby Gang is shocked when Willow turns heel, attacking Buffy with loaded spell book and throwing Xander throw a plate glass window.

NYPD Blue - Andy and his new partner swerve a suspect by pretending to fight each other in the interrogation room.


Enterprise - A blow to the head leads to Archer developing a split personality; a popular gimmick for both wrestling and Star Trek.

West Wing - The president gives an exclusive TV interview to a network anchor and is sandbagged by loaded questions and false accusations.

Felicity - A month-long feud over a hunky new coffee shop barista leads to a hair vs. hair match between Felicity and a sorority girl. Guess who wins this one?


Friends - A fight breaks out after a game of Jenga and can only be settled by a three-way bra and panties match.

Will and Grace - Jack's wacky uncle and mentor from San Francisco comes to visit. Guest star: Pat Patterson.


Sabrina - Our favorite not-so-teenage witch is forced to choose between her studly boyfriend or Salem. She inexplicably picks the wiseacre cat.

Dark Angel - To find the supplier of new designer drug on the market, Max is forced to go undercover as a streetwalker and learns pimpin' ain't easy.


Saturday Night Live - Each week, a mandatory parody of Ted Turner.


Futurama - Bender is put on trial by the Robots To Censor committee, after being judged the worst-behavior mechanical man in the universe.

King of the Hill - In a special flashback episode, we learn that Hank once played football at West Texas State. Guest stars include Tully Blanchard, Terry Funk and Stone Cold Steve Austin.

Simpsons - Homer gets the chance to produce a kid's show opposite Krusty and pushes Bart and Lisa down everyone's throat. The crowd turns on Lisa after she stops playing the sax and tries to sing.

X-Files - Mulder's search for a conspiracy bigger than aliens. It takes him to Montreal and Calgary. He also finds someone more paranoid and self-deluded than himself.

Sopranos - Tony weighs the pros and con of trafficking in steroids and HGH. He decided against it after the death of a famous football player who had he had been using as a sounding board for the decision.

Sex and the City - The girls all start dating wealthy older men.

Let's face it. Most prime time television is pretty bad. Would wrestling booking really make it that much worse?

Mark Coale
Dr. Alquimia Magazine
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