A THUMB IN THE EYE
The first thing you need for a good worm farm, huh, damn. I really need to get more sleep. Welcome back to my weekly column. It seems everyone is putting a little more effort into their storylines and angles. I could actually watch all of Nitro this week. I would like to thank the cold medicine I've been taking for dulling my senses. Props to my fellow columnists and that CRZ guy. Thanks everyone. Scooby and Shaggy are waiting on me so I need to go. Always follow the recommended dosage on the cold medicine package.
I would like to kind of apologize to the man with the toughest mullet ( the short long haircut) in wrestling. Mike Awesome, you keep throwing fools through tables and I'll leave you alone. You're still not really a believable champ but I do like to watch people dropped through tables. Lightning Foot Jerry Flynn used to have the toughest mullet for you people keeping score at home. Other than that ECW is still putting out a pretty good product on Friday night.
Why do we have to watch the New Frood and Nelson Brothers wrestle the best three out of five. Oh ya , they win the services of a busted hooker and an oversized check. Which I think will be presented by Dick Clark. I still don't think that's reason enough to make us watch them over and over again. Some of these matches have been pretty decent, but still I would like to see these guys wrestle someone else. Hey Terri, I've got a crispy twenty for you if you let me thumb you in the eye for a bit. Maybe the Godfather needs some new talent.
Is anyone paying attention when Triple H starts shooting off his mouth. This is real funny. No matter how they play him off, it seems everyone just goes, sure whatever Triple H. I normally use this time to take a quick nap. How many times is J.R. gonna get socked before he learns. Nice work by the guy running the censor button for letting the word asshole slip by. I just look at it like the WWF has no champ at this point in time. He never really wins. So Triple H I would like to do J.R. a favor this week. The following BBQ sauce covered thumb that I'm gonna pop you with is for J.R. Don't make me use the the spaghetti sauce, Triple H.
Miss Kitty rules. I know she can't wrestle, and that's the great part. What has to be done to remove Moolah and Mae Young from my T.V. set. So if I throw on a wig and shave, ah forget the shaving part, can I wrestle instead of these two. If it wasn't for those nylons they wear, I would be blind as a bat. Someone tell The Undertaker that a couple have escaped from the grave. If you look closely I think they both have shovel marks on them. I will not give them a thumb though. I was taught to respect old people. But nobody ever said anything about the living dead. Thumb, thumb, thumb. Take that you zombie bastards.
At first I thought a dog had taken a crap in the ring, then I realized it was just the British Bulldog. Same thing. Busted mic skills and old school moves just don't work. Somebody nail that dog door shut. And then call Animal Control.
Looks like somebody has slipped the creative team at the WWF chocolate covered crack again. Val Venis should not be in the ring with The Rock and Mankind. This is another fine example of how we are supposed to forget things that happen in the past. Remember about two months ago when Mankind beat the living crap out of Val. I don't know if they are giving him a push or trying to cheapen The Rock and Sock Connection. Either way it sucks. You know Ronnie is a lot like The Big Valboski, I pack some big lumber, hey wait a minute. I carry a folding chair and beat the hell out of piles like Val Venis. So Val, you receive the chair beating of the week and also a years supply of Rogaine.
Off to the land down South where the ratings are low and legends grow old. Disco Inferno, the Boozerweight champ. Why Boozerweight ? Because you have to be drunk in order to appreciate this belt. No thumb for Disco though. Only a wish. May he become the third member of the F.B.I. Or just burst into flames.
Oh look it's Kevin Nash and Scott Hall. It was only a matter of time before these two came back. I myself like Scott Hall. As for Nash, let me get out my step stool, there we go. You are a lousy booker and a four move wonder. So I throw up the sign of The Wolf Pac and poke you in the eye with it. Not so sexy with a swollen up eye. Hurry back Scott Hall, Nash can go flip burgers.
Halloween Havoc promo, your'e right see no evil. So don't order the PPV and turn the channel.
I myself felt the Owen Hart dedication match was done way to late and was just a push for The Hitman. This is not how you get ratings, this is how you get people to go to bed before wrestling is over. Anyone who was involved with this should be beaten with a garden hose. Except Benoit. Why, cause I said so. This whole thing just made me kind of pissed off. No sir, I did not like it at all. Brett, face it. You can't work the dead brother thing without looking like a chump. And you still want respect. Then get your ass in the ring and start putting on a good show. Wow, I think I hear Oh Canada playing in the background.
The kid with the HULKSTER FOR LIFE SIGN. Good thinking, you were wearing a bandana and hiding the rest of your face behind that stupid sign. I hope your friends at school recognize you and give you a beating till sometime next week. And if you get popped in the eye, then it was from me.
I cannot watch Sting,Luger,Flair and Hogan wrestle anymore. Can anyone else call the moves before they happen. Just remember the sign of a truly great tag team is matching dye jobs and tans. Chop, chop, and a Flair Flop. How did I know. I did hear part of Hogans' prayer though, it went something like this. DEAR GOD, IT'S ME THE HULKSTER, HELP US THROUGH THIS MATCH, PLEASE DON'T LET US BREAK A HIP, PLEASE LET THIS CRAPPY YELLOW AND RED THING CONTINUE TILL ALL OF THE MERCHANDISE IS GONE AND MOST OF ALL PLEASE DON'T LET THE RATINGS DROP ANY LOWER. AMEN. And God replied HULKSTER, I GIVE YOU A THUMB IN THE EYE, YOU BALDING HAS BEEN, NOW QUIT BUGGING ME , I'M TRYING TO WATCH THE WWF.
Well folks that's it for me this week. Thanks for stopping by and remember a thumb in the eye can stop any champion. Thanks again to CRZ and Mike. And a shout out to The ric for gawkin at the chick.
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