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| UK News | Richard Craig |
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SPECIAL COLUMN: FEBRUARY 2000 IN QUOTES
Well, given that my previous effort got the CRZ seal of approval, I would like to waste no time in bringing you the latest quotes from the shortest month of the year. WWF
Henry says to take her mind off not getting the title shot, he's got lots of
BABY STUFF to give to her. Shoot me now.
"Welcome to Detroit is Jericho! I wanna thank someone, and that
someone is you, Chyna." Chyna smiles and they high-five. When exactly did
them being friends start making sense, anyway?
Clips from JR's sitdown with Steve Austin - isn't this like the third time
we've seen it? This time "pissed" gets bleeped because we're TV-PG.
Malenko has THEME MUSIC?
When I'm looking at Tori's nipples, my gaze is diverted from her face,
right?
Mizark Henry presents Mae Young some Preparation H. I don't think that'll
stop the burning *I'm* feeling watching these vignettes...
Rock on Voyager - that should hurt THUNDER! ratings, right?
Big Show interrupts the proceedings and delivers the videotape - it's that
camera angle we've been waiting to see for, like, a week and a half.
Rock actually breaks into blithering idiocy, but the crowd still hears the
word "candyass" at the end of it, though, and makes noise.
We cut to Guerrero & Saturn trying to stay focused in their big match -
suddenly, Saturn turns to Guerrero and says "wait a minute - aren't you one
of those lousy rotten stinkin' filthy animals?"
I don't know about you, but I'm rather looking forward to Shane Douglas
coming out in his "Revolution" T-shirt with THREE names covered in
electrical tape instead of just Benoit's.
Earlier today, the big press conference at WWF New York announced the
formation of the XFL - in which we ask the question, has Vince
McMahon lost his ever-lovin' mind?
Blackman works on counting to ten, 'cause you can just SENSE the
FURY...well, I mean, I'm ASSUMING - hell, why ELSE would he be counting?
HOLLY COUSINS (with Scale Holly) v. HEAD CHEESE (with Head - and Cheese) -
if nothing else, it's worth it just to see Blackman wearing that huge cheese
on his head. SOMEBODY vidcap that for my page, PLEASE.
RIKISHI PHATU (with Too Cool) v. WELL IT'S A BIG SHOW - Sign in crowd:
"NICE HAIR (queer)" - now that's uncalled for. You wouldn't say that
about BUFF, would you? Ha!
Here's a wacky facial expression from Lawler - isn't it wacky? Surely the
wackiness of it all is WACKY! I'm about ready to get a little wacky myself -
and WHACK somebody - 'cause it's WACK - okay - I'm better now - phew.
Referee "Blind" Chad Patten has no choice but to call for the bell
(DQ 2:12) as Angle calmly turns around, grabs Young and HITS THE REVERSE
FIREMAN'S CARRY SLAM on her. Wow - I KNEW there was something very special
about this Kurt Angle.
VISSSSSSSSCERA is out, but (oops) slips on the beer on the floor. But at
least his pants stay on!
CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO v. VISSSSSSSSSSCERA (with RAW Credits) for the
Intercontinental championship - Hey, Jericho's SHAVED!!
Ever notice that Jim Ross is the ONLY guy to say "Radicals?" Seems like he
really WANTS that name to get over...but nobody else is going along with it
(including me).
Hey, you know what's weird? That (Mavericks?) locker they're talking in
front of has a NASH nameplate right above it - you KNOW that wouldn't be in
the shot if they didn't want it noticed...
"Where's my football?" It's a highlight reel of the XFL press conference: I
totally blew off the Pro Bowl yesterday - AND I felt absolutely NO football
withdrawl! (On the other hand, I sure suffered from *WXO* withdrawl!)
Off the ropes, hairpull takeodwn by Jackie, inside cradle and I'm almost
POSITIVE I saw Luna's "promised land" until a quick cut to a different
camera angle...
WrestleMania 2000 for the N64 ad - again - I am now tired of it
In that "Crazy Taxi" ad, does that chick have headlights or what? That's
just about the only thing keeping me interested enough to watch it all four
times - and, hell, she's ANIMATED! How sad is THAT?
We play the same batch of opening interview highlights we played earlier in
the show - what's the deal, we're not going long yet? Or...dare I suggest
that it's because this hour is *unopposed*? Oh, no, that'd be cynical and
un-WWF-mark-like of me...
Hey, Mankind's gonna invade Manhattan one more time - Lookout! That much
ravioli will KILL you!
In the meantime, H hits a Pedigree and lets Benoit hit the swandive
headbutt. There's a cover - 1, Jack hits him (apparently forgetting that was
the finish - oh great, THAT'LL really help people's opinion about his brain)
XFL spot. I think the words "pantywaists" and "sissies" were aired ENTIRELY
too many times in this clip montage. Will we have to see this every week for
a year? Just when the wrestling seems to be REALLY coming around, would they
REALLY go and spoil the show with XFL nonsense? Answer: if they think they
can get away with it...
D-Von handing B.B. to his half-brother - face firmly in the cleavage (lucky
bastard) and now POWERBOMBING HER THROUGH THE TABLE!! She's OUT cold, and
all I can do is think "Hmm, does she NEED all that eye shadow?" and "Is that
REALLY her colour for lipstick?" No, I'm kidding. (Sorta.)
This Monday, RAW airs at 11! 11! Not 8! 11! OK!
Saints be praised, Rock has NO time on THE STICK! This is my DREAM
show!
Jack goes under the ring for some plundah - coming up with a leadpipe!
WHACK! Cover - Hebner is over - 1 - 2 - HE PULLS HIM UP! Jack either sending
a message...or he simply forgot that that was the finish...
Good GOD Jackie wears some tight stuff - not only can I see THAT, but I can
see THAT, too!
Also, it's 2-2, for those of you scoring at home (and if you ARE scoring at
home, why the heck are you keep tracking of who's winning the SmackDown!
matches? [rimshot])
Cole says it's time for a Hardy injury update - Jeff apparently needed
stitches for a cut above his eye, AND Matt suffered a separated shoulder -
damn, that Head Cheese really *is* a LETHAL team!
Did this WHOLE show go by without me hearing (a) a talking-only segment and
(b) Triple H's dreadful theme music? THIS *IS* MY DREAM SMACKDOWN!!
Helmsley bests the Rock by throwing an astonishing *TWENTY* rights in a row.
I LOVE THE WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION!!!!!!!!!! (Hey - if you didn't enjoy
THIS show, YOU'RE BIASED.)
At 1912, announcer HOWARD FINKEL and timkeeper MARK YEATON came out and we
were ready to roll! After the standard "don't throw things, don't jump the
rail, laser pens are bad" speech, we went to the dark matches...
LIGHT THE PYRO and it's SO much noisier in person - we are LIVE!
Am I dreaming or does Lilian really want Eddie to be related to Juventud?
Hmm, I have a sneaky suspicion - yup. LA ROCA. It's the World Entrance
Federation!
Get the feeling this is their way of saying "Thanks for staying awake until
11, here's everybody to reward you?"
ROAD DOGG v. GRAND MASTER SEXAY - it's he, it's he, heard this before have
we.
The Rock anxiously paces about - at any moment he could exit and be at the
corner of St. John & Montgomery! And THEN, man, he'd be LOST 'cause the ring
is the OTHER way...
Man I never BELIEVED Rock would be the first one to job for Benoit, but he
did - AND he actually kept his shoulders down for about 10. I guess I gotta
cut him some slack for a while now. Dammit.
Young also has a present - "edible undies." She puts them (ack) on and then
the next thing we hear is, "Mmmmm! Tutti fruiti!" The less said about
this...
During the break and off TV, a blow-up doll is confiscated from the
audience...much to everyone's amusement except the security guys.
The WWF Free-for-all, sponsored by phonefree.com, is Kane's tombstone of
Tori ("My God!") - which is free because...er....
There's a brief staredown (!) - "Now the Rock says that you owe San Jose a
dance!" Crowd goes apeshit, of course. Everyone does the "American Males"
clap except me - I'm TYPING here!
"And just out of curiosity, who's giving out poontang pie?" The 3-year old
in the seat next to me shrieked. Well, okay, no she didn't - she seemed
kinda bored, actually.
A LITTLE BIT MORE FAMOUS: In the meantime, it's nice to know that even after
getting all pissy and leaving WrestleManiacs in a huff that nobody noticed -
for a site that no one likes, or bothers to look up his stuff on - a certain
corpulent commentator is STILL so vain to see if I talk about him - and
then, for an encore, steal an allegedly funny line without crediting me or
acknowledging violation of anyone's copyright. [Details LINK to wav.file]
Oh by the way, that distinctive chuckle belongs to NONE OTHER THAN 1Bob
Ryder. I guess if he'd had known it was MY line, he probably wouldn't have
found it funny at all...RIGHT? A question for the Rotund One - which is more
damaging to a respective ego - YOU not mentioning ME on a show NOBODY
listens to, or ME not mentioning YOU in a Nitro report read by BILLIONS?
(Disclaimer: I may be exaggerating various numbers for comedic effect.)
MORE SMARTASS REMARKS: Anybody heard from Chris Hiatus yet?
By the way, people were making a big deal of the "NWO" acronym TWO YEARS AGO
- can we PLEASE get over it, already?
Triple H jerking the curtain in the opening match? Now I've seen everything!
Let Us Take You Back to RAW where Chyna hit a DDT on Angle that the cameras
missed - and so did Angle, let's be honest.
Backstage, the Acolytes have set up an APA office door (with no adjoining
wall) - Henry and Young knock on it anyway. Umm, there's no walls! I DARE
you to walk around it!
TAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ v. GANGREL (with a burning ring o' far and no Luna Tunes) -
Aha, I see it must be time once again for Luna's yearly "right about the
time she MIGHT get a WrestleMania women's title shot" suspension.
You are STILL watching UPN! No, the TV didn't magically change channels on
you!
CACTUS JACK (with Giant TV-PG-DLV ratings box) v. X-PAC (with Tori) in a
Falls Count Anywhere, Hardcore Rules match - That bit with Hansen's Energy
Drink didn't last too many months, did it?
"And the Rock ... and the Rock IS going to WrestleMania, and the Rock is
becoming THE next WWF...Champion." Rock inventing his own new kinda grammar
there?
Edge & Christian take on the Hardy Boyz in a #1 Contender's Match at No Way
Out - that would be the #1 Contenders AFTER the CURRENT #1 Contenders, the
Dudleyz, right? Eh.
Is it just me or have the WWF announcers used the phrase "shudder to think"
about a MILLION times this week?
Dogg throws his water bottle to referee "Blind" Earl Hebner, who
threatens Chimel with a soaking. Those wacky cats!
Dogg puts a knee in the shoulderblade and works the chinlock while the crowd
chants "Rock E." The People being his partner, see? See? Eh.
Rock once again trying to come back against five men. Dammit, just put him
in the bus already. Show finally manhandles him back to the first side and
into the compartment - the door is closed. he bus drives away as Big Show
waves...but we turn back to see that Rock is standing behind him with a big
stick! Oops, guess he just went all the way through. That was poor planning!
Here's his imitation of Triple H for the people: "Tonigh-tuh...I am the
Ga-muh...and in this very Ri-nguhhh...for the next twenty
minute-suhhhh...I'm going to be talk-inguhhh..and saying absolutely
NOTHINGUHHH..." Or was that his James Brown impersonation?
Jack: "Why don't we give the people of Atlanta, Georgia (HE SAID THE HOME
TOWN!) just a little taste of what they can expect to see tonight, In That
Very Ring."
Moments Ago -We get two angles of Show's chairshot on the Rock - well,
actually, they both suck. Hey Rock, we can see your hand blocking it!
So if we don't treat her like a women, don't treat her like a man, what DO
we treat her like? Some kinda cyborg?
Here's the cover of the new "Raw" Magazine - hey, they changed the logo! Is
NOTHING sacred?
What's that? You've always wanted to see the Atlanta skyline at night? Well,
here's a piece of it! No, that's not Elton John's apartment - that's over
THERE.
THA GODFATHA & D'LO BROWN (with two dozen - no, make that ONE dozen ho's) v.
DEAN MALENKO & PERRY SATURN - I am SHOCKED to see referee "Blind" Jack Doan
standing in the ring as it's time once again for this spiel I seem to have
heard before...
Jeff hits a senton bomb and covers - 1, 2, he's pulled off COMPLETELY,
Hebner counts 3 anyway. (8:15) Oh, give me a BREAK. Don't get SO sloppy that
you screw the whole thing with the ending. Ahhhh!! For an encore, they go
ahead and give us a replay. SHEESH. That ending...REALLY blew chunks. How
stupid is the audience expected to be?
This would be a Pier SIX brawl - man, we've been up and down that harbour
tonight, haven't we?
SUPERBRAWL REPORT: Might as well put it here since I apparently forgot all
about it LAST Monday. I was on camera ONCE, I sat within TEN FEET of the
Spanish announce team (Pedro Morales and...who, Miguel Perez, right? I tell
ya, compared to the WWF Spanish announce team - these guys are out in a
GHETTO for WCW events...they'll NEVER have THEIR table broken!)
Meanwhile, Big Show is WALKING! And sucking in his gut!
WELL IT'S A BIG SHOW is out to give us our recommended daily allowance of
talking for the night. I have a feeling he's gonna tug at our heartstrings,
and not just because he's still in an "experimentation" phase with his
hairdo.
"Please, roll the footage for those of you that don't understand where I'm
coming from - I'm not a bad guy, I have footage! Please!" That's CLASSIC.
"I'm not a bad guy - I have footage!" ahahahahaha...anyway...
"You see Big Show, that is WHY they boo you. That is WHY they don't treat
you with respect. Because you whine, you (beep), you moan and you complain
(Trey Conway voice) 'But me? Why? Why you boo me? Don't boo me! You should
cheer me! Don't boo me!' Oh SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"
*Any* ad that begins with "Genital herpes" is a sure signal to me to go get
a soda and not come back for...oh, around thirty seconds or so. And
yet...isn't it strangely hypnotic the way they use FLOWERS to express how
genital herpes can come between you and your partner? I mean, not LITERALLY,
but.....well, actually maybe they DO mean....oh let's move on.
LARRY KING stands in the ring. "Ladies and gentlemen, there is one - and
there will ONLY be one - CACTUS JACK!" Ross went on to say there was ONLY
one Diesel and ONLY one Razor Ramon...oops.
Hey, you ever notice that H always gives you just the slightest hint of fear
against Cactus Jack, but when it's the Rock, he just gives us that "annoyed"
vibe instead? Maybe that's why he's grown on me...I dunno.
The Helmsleys approach the cops, who hand over the keys to the cell and walk
off. Hunter says to enjoy what's in their envelopes - ohhh, so there ARE no
jurisdiction problems - these are just some guys Triple H paid off to play
PRETEND cops! Whoa.....that makes Jack REALLY, REALLY STUPID! Still, this
contains just enough *logic* to really appeal to me...
Shouldn't they have called this "Monsters of Rap" collection "Monsters of
Rap (According to White People)?"
I think Blockbuster paid to have this commerical aired like A DOZEN times in
this two hours...I mean, I lust for Ashley Judd as much as the next guy, but
COME ON!
Can Foley hang by the (now) top of the cage until Sunday? And how many miles
IS it to Hartford from Nashville, anyway? Get this - MapQuest says it's just
over A THOUSAND! Now my instincts tell me that cage would probably fall
apart if it were actually dragged for a THOUSAND miles...wait, did I EVEN
have a point? Oh yeah - GOOD WRESTLING. GOOD LOGIC (except for that bit
about the cage at the end).
TONIGHT: The new IC champ will defend against a shadow! No, it's a TBA.
AND PYRO! WE ARE LIVE from the granddaddy of 'em all - and let's hope that's
the ONLY time we say "granddaddy" tonight - Madison Square Garden
Bradshaw turns around into the surprise Twist of Fate! AND ROSS ACTUALLY
CALLED IT THE TWIST OF FATE TONIGHT!
Mankind might be out of the WWF - but he's still in them wacky ravioli
ads...
"From Miami, Florida, 275, THE ROCK!" Umm, Lilian Garcia missed a lotta
words there.
Rock turns it around, though - punch, punch, punch - NOW KISS THAT RIGHT!
Rock Bottom! 1, 2, 3 (:30) Garcia announces the winner as "the Rook." It IS
a human game of chess!
WrestleMania magazine ad. "Celebrate the visionary genius of Vince McMahon?"
You know, I THINK that's laying it on just a BIT thick there...
THAT SLUT CHYNA (with RAW credits) lovingly strokes her bazooka.
FABULOUS MOOLAH, PAT PATTERSON & GERALD BRISCO lead the EMT's - they ROLL
her onto the gurney (well isn't that BRILLIANT) and Young turns on the water
works as Lawler and Ross pretend to appreciate the GRAVE URGENCY of the
situation, and...ugh, does this mean this angle is FINALLY over? And when I
say "over," by the way, I mean "done," not "over."
And now in real time, the EMT says we won't make it to the hospital, better
wheel her in to this room so she can go through 40 minutes or less of
labour...for a baby...hmm, about six months premature... but it's okay,
'cause it gives Patterson and Brisco a chance to be "wacky."
For an encore, Young says she won't have the baby until she has a cigar.
Somehow, Brisco only needs FIVE seconds to go outside, find a cigar, and
come back. Oh ho ho ho ho.
The Stooges decide to go check out Young's goodies - Brisco is moved to
wretch, while Patterson says "so THAT'S what it looks like!" (Well, okay, he
didn't really.)
After the break, Young screams a lot - and then toots. FARTING IS *GOLD*,
BABY!!
"King...I didn't think she was pregnant all along..." Hey Ross, go screw
yourself TWICE for me, okay? Jesus.
By the way, Ross, just to stave off any mistakes you might make down the
road, here's some free advice for you - the BLACK guy is D-VON. Write that
down, it might help you call this MATCH.
Meanwhile, SCREW Foley! The Rock is WALKING! You know, JUST once...just ONCE
you could have given us a nice fade to black. Just ONCE. Was that too much
to ask? For Foley? Just ONCE? And WHY am I so pissed off tonight?
WrestleMania is *5* weeks away! Why wait? Have a SNICKERS! WCW
ZIMMERMAN'S REFLEXIVE PROPERTY OF WCW: WCW doesn't suck because CRZ says it
sucks; WCW sucks because WCW sucks.
Three Sid matches on THUNDER! certainly smelled of ratings, didn't it?
The main event at SuperBrawl is Sid Vicious vs. Jeff Jarrett (the Chosen
One). Where I come from, we call that MINTING MONEY.
Booker comes out to Beaver Cleavage's theme - which means Ed Ferrara must be
writing this angle, wink wink.
Tony says we've never seen somebody led out in cuffs before - and then, I
think under his breath he says "except every time the Giant did an illegal
powerbomb."
Tix on sale Wednesday for Uncensored in Miami, and Nitro in Providence!
PLEASE buy a ticket! PLEASE!
The returning Fuller must have turned Klingon, as his first name is now
Kahless.
As they talk about the UFC, clips are shown ... from WCW. Well, it's
practically the same thing, right?
GOOD LORD TONY NORRIS IS FAT. I mean, that GUT - it's TREMENDOUS HUMONGOUS!
We cut backstage to see the relatives sobbing. Check out the girl in the
green, she keeps sneaking glances into the camera in-between fits of
"acting."
Vito gets off the stretcher, then tells Disco and Johnny to get off their
stretchers. "You get Mean Gene! We'll take care of this, Italian style!"
Geez, give me MORE segments with these guys. PLEASE. IT'S SO FUCKING
ENTERTAINING.
Entertainment reporter Tony Schiavone gives us our KISS report - final tour,
check, live album, check, thanks very much.
THE DEMON v. BOOKA - David Penzer calls him "Booker T." - does NO ONE
remember the storyline around here?
WCW comped me to SuperBrawl. I'll let you know Monday whether I decided to
go see this show for free - or stay home. Right now...it's a toss-up.
Seriously.
Ran can cut a record from side to side - well, no, not really. He's STILL
failed to impress me. His big DJ move for TONIGHT was the "mute everything
when I speak" technique.
GTV - err, the stolen Kid Cam captures Buff Bagwell putting a move on
Symphony.
Madusa catches up to La Parka, who's reading a paper. The AMAZING thing
about this is, not only does Parka not understand English, but it's an
AMERICAN newspaper!
Going up to the top rope - Disco pushes him off and referee "Blind" Billy
Silverman rings the bell (DQ 1:43) and rings the bell and rings the bell and
rings the bell and by now EVERYBODY in my section is wishing they'd stop
ringing the damn bell.
YOU ARE THE WCW BOOKER: Bigelow is reasonably over with the crowd. The Wall
is not. How would you book this match? If you said "give a decisive victory
to the Wall, continuing his inexplicable push and burying Bigelow at a time
when we SHOULD be rehabilitating him following the loss of his title belt,"
you COULD be the WCW booker!
Crowd chanting "Hogan" (no, really, they are).
"Earlier Today," Bam Bam Bigelow predicted Sid Vicious would win in
tonight's title match. Hey, it's the "Can we talk?" segment from the ACTION
ZONE! Man, THAT brings back the memories, don't it?
Pre-taped comments from Hulk Hogan (possibly from last Monday, even) -
listen to the crowd boo (and quickly get turned down)!
The HARRIS BROS are out - aww, fuck me for even THINKING we'd get something
worth watching in this unopposed hour. And FUCK WCW.
Earlier Today, Nick Patrick picked Tank Abbott. WCW needs to make me a
promise. If they hype this with EVERY bumper - be it interview or graphic -
if they do this ALL night AAAAAND they still can't break a 3 or whatever it
is they've been getting, they have to ADMIT that Sid's not a draw and STOP
trying to ram him down our throats. Can they make me that promise? 'course
not! Unfortunately, the ratings would have to go even LOWER...and even THEN
they might not get it. Of course, if they pop a highest ever quarter hour
I'll have to eat all these words. I'm REALLY WORRIED about THAT.
And now in the Crippler crossface...Abbott ... taps. (3:57) I guess Abbott
should have GONE FOR HIS KNIFE!!
See you...in 48 hours, for THUNDER!? Oy. Why'd I ever say "yes?"
Richard Craig |
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