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/wrestling /guests /Craig |
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/wrestling /guests /Craig |
| Guest Columns | Richard Craig |
MainBLAH |
THE MONTH IN QUOTES: APRIL 2000
Only a few days have passed since WWF Insurrextion from the sold-out Earl's Court in London. Those with a keen eye for detail may remember that I had intended to review the previous UK-only PPVs in a Netcop inspired buildup to this next UK event. I *DID* begin this, but a combination of being too busy with exam revision, not to mention finding the act of doing play-by-play waaay more tough than I had expected meant that this had to be abandoned. I had gotten about two/thirds through One Night Only, but felt that in order to get finished, I may have ended up clearly haif-assing it the rest of the way. Perhaps I may resurrect the idea nearer the next UK PPV, slated to emanate from the magnificent Sheffield Arena in December. Anyway, it was a great month for CRZ quotes, so I will do my best to find the best ones. Those of you who read last month's collection may be aware that CRZ 'fired' me for missing what he felt was his quote of the month. I stand before you on the grounds that if no wrestler ever honours a 'fired' or 'retired' stipulation, why should I be any different!! Seriously though, I pledge to make more effort to to skim over the play-by-play, for there are clearly some gems to be found in there... WWF
WE ARE LIVE from the Staples Center in Los Angeles, CA 3.4.2K and one
question is on everyone's mind - why did Mr. McMahon screw the Rock? Well,
that and why was that Kat fight longer than two minutes?
Vince gives a "c'mere" smile and he and Stephanie are all hugs. Vince turns
to Triple H - stares - and there's a handshake. Now looking to Shane - more
of the puppy eyes - Shane offers HIS hand...and Vince takes it. Hugs!
Hooray! RESET BUTTON!! WHO CARES ABOUT PLOT HOLES YOU CAN DRIVE A MACK TRUCK
THROUGH? THIS IS THE WWF!!
THAT SLUT CHYNA comes out with her C-2000. Don't eat her like a woman!
Stephanie turns to a heartfelt plea for Triple H to get the match with the
Rock tonight - beside the fact that he's her husband and the WWF Champion,
it only seems right that her husband be the one to fight on her behalf.
"That's not your job anymore, Dad. I love you. Will you - will you think
about it?" "Yeah, I'll think about it." Eww, right on the LIPS!
At 7:20, ring announcer TONY CHIMEL arrived to a "hey, I know who that guy
is!" pop from the crowd.
At this point they turned out the clocks in the Arena - an attempt to make
time stand still (and probably also not give away that the time doesn't
match the TV time when they start...)
The Rock manages to work in "monkey's nipple," "anus" and "slut" to ensure
that SOMETHING gets bleeped tonight.
Caryn Mower makes her second appearance: I can best describe her as "Sally
Struthers meets Sally Field" but that assumes my audience is at least as old
as I am, if not older. Tough noogies for you fifteen year olds, I guess.
Chimel shills the Tazz T during the "ad break" - he's starting to draw some
boos for his relentless pleas for commerce
The Dudleyz have officially crossed over into the land of the face, as the
crowd BEGS them to produce a table and put Stratus through it. Such shocking
endorsement of violence towards women is incredibly depressing - I mean
impressive! IMPRESSIVE!
EDDIE GUERRERO & CHYNA have new music and entrance video - "Mama Cita" -hey
I guess the C-2000 is gone, oh damn, I'll SURE miss it. Taste the sarcasm!
Stephanie appears to be trying to show off her breasts, which will probably
cause several of you to go wild despite the fact that she's HORRENDOUSLY
UNATTRACTIVE.
Stephanie & Vince share a tender moment with all of us - Hey, it's not
incest if they're not fucking!
Show called over that one ho - planted one on her AND copped a feel on her
ass! Show's THE MACK! He carried her off over his shoulder - will she be a
recurring character? She definitely had the giant breasts that all WWF women
seem to need... *Given the size of Paul Wight, I wonder if CRZ regrets talking about the future Mrs Wight in this fashion?!!
Commentators sell a controversy: just who is the WWF Champion? Was that
REALLY in doubt? Apparently so!
T&A (with Trish Stratus - the fitness model) v. THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ - the
lads lift Stratus up over the ropes so we don't get a "walking through the
ropes shot" - oh well.
Chyna and Eddie Guerrero arrive in a car, complete with hydraulics and War
cassette. Lotsa Espanol all around - hey, on the SAP, do they speak English?
No! Noooooo, not YOU too, Seal! Will NO ONE remain un-co-opted by the evils
of Sonicnet.com ad appearances? Well, haven't seen the Kraftwerk robots
there yet...I guess...
Hey Stephanie, work on the arms if you're not gonna wear sleeves. *God, CRZ *hates* Stephanie, doesn't he?!!
Hardcore Holly walks by. Hey, do these guys ALWAYS just walk around dressed
to wrestle? I mean, it's COLD outside - you can't just WALK AROUND in tights
and no shirt, Bob!
"I tell you what, ladies- everything goes right tonight, you might get a
chance to get with a Big Show - wrapped in leathahhhh..." we get a mostly
waist-up view, missing his pelvic thrusts - hey this IS a TV-PG show!
Show invites the ho into the ring and then dramatically plants one on her -
being sure to check out her ass while he's at it. She's got some giant
breasts, yup. Show puts her over his shoulder and walks off with her...does
his fiancee know about this? *CRZ positively *goads* people to send him letters saying the ho *was* his fiancee...
HALF HOUR SUPLEX!
Hey Steph, hit the gym.
TONIGHT: Jim Ross has a feeling the Rock will have some words for us right
at the beginning of the show - so don't get caught listening to Flair at
9PM!
FEEL THE LIVENESS - holy cow that pyro's coming RIGHT AT ME! It's the
National Car Rental Arena (if you don't have it back by 8, you pay for
another day)
I think you really are fixated and infatuated with what comes out of the
rectal cavity. 'cause I'm talking about - feces [he said "feeshes," but I
don't think he meant fishies].
"Earlier Today," Terri tells Kat she wants to treat her to "a day of beauty"
by way of saying sorry. Hey, who smells a rat? Oh, that's fish, I apologise.
"Grab your bitches?" Somebody alert the media!
Terri introduces Kat to Francois, then offers to get her a spiked drink.
Ooooooooooh! I can't WAIT to see how THIS turns out! (Well, maybe a *little*
bit.)
TREBLE H (with Skippy & Stephy) v. ? for the WWF Championship - Champion
enters first because it's a MYSTERY opponent already.
The WWF Champion is thrown in the ring where Funaki is perched on the top -
missile dropkick! Michinoku in position for a moonsault kick - 1, 2,
KICKOUT!! EVERYBODY in the building thought he had it. Damn, that's just
CRAZAY.
Faarooq gets a field goal kick from Vince! Wotta RACIST!
And now, the Castrol GTX Slam of the Week! From Heat last night, Eddie
Guerrero helps Viscera get an upset victory over Chris Jericho in VISCERA'S
BEST MATCH EVER - you know what's funny? Even though I was JOKING about it,
Meltzer DID actually say the EXACT same thing in HIS report! Yahoo!
Stephanie's wearing a boob tube, which not only gives us a view of her
headlights, but her notoriously flabby upper arms. Also, she's wearing a
pair of jeans that remind me of the "Jordache look" ads when I was in junior
high - all she needs are some roller skates to complete the look, for crying
out loud.
Triple H, not only am I proud that you're the World Wrestling Federation
champion, but I'm PROUD that you are...my brother-in-law." Well, that ties
up THAT loose end in a big bow of NO LOGIC, doesn't it?
HARDY BOYZ v. VANILLA MIDGETS - you think that the sight of Malenko and
Benoit walking down the ramp, each man with a title belt over his shoulder,
isn't some kind of karmic, giant "fuck you" to Nash?
How come Sizzler is calling it "all-you-care-to-eat shrimp" now? Are they
worried that if they call it "all-you-can-eat" we'll develop some sort of
gastrointestinal thing because we'll be unable to stop from going too far or
something?
Wait, a voice from the crowd! "You stink, black man!" Hey, that's kinda
racist...
Backstage, Jericho asks the backs of two women "excuse me ladies, have you
seen the Godfather around here anywhere?" Stephanie turns around and gives
an "excuse me?" and Jericho's all "ooooooooh" and Tori is like "did he think
we were ho's?" and Stephanie was all "don't go THERE, girlfriend," and I'm
all "cover those upper arms already! It's just NOT attractive on you!"
Two things about THIS commercial: I love it when that guy grabs the
"Runkles" potato chips. I just love saying "Runkles" over and over.
Hahahahahaha. "Runkles." Second, why is Tony Gwynn demolishing that guy's
boombox just because it's playing country music? Is that a BLACK thing so I
can't possibly understand?
Damn, that kid sees A LOT of dead people
TONIGHT: ...the show will BEGIN with a nontitle match between Triple H and
Chris Jericho! What? Loading up the first quarter hour? Sounds like the free
ride ENDS - TONIGHT!
Apparently, Eddie's GED test is tomorrow -Damn, did Guerrero get REALLY
ethnic over the past few weeks or what?
Moments Ago - Hebner is fired. Let's face it - they REALLY couldn't afford
eight referees anyway, right? Might as well prune the tree - oldest branches
first...
Meanwhile, in an office, Linda's working on her laptop (no, she's TYPING -
you pervert)
What's Linda got to say about the Rock? Stephanie tries to send Shane to
pump her for some more information - wait, I think I just made a poor choice
of words when talking about some McMahons...
"Earlier Today," Kurt Angle was visiting the Penn State campus, preaching
the joys of abstinence. "The best sex is no sex - it's true, it's true!"
Damn, he must have some REALLY AWFUL sex to believe *that!*
LINDA McMAHON is in the ring. "...it's with great pleasure tonight that I
announce to you that in his [The Rock's] corner is going be none
other...................than STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN!" Ross has six
simultaneous orgasms - yes, he IS overselling it JUST a touch.
So a quick count of the previous paragraph shows Jim Ross with a dozen
orgasms. Hey! Shouldn't he have keeled over in that last segment? Is it too
late to replace him on a long-term basis with Michael Cole? Do the WCW fans
realise I'm *complaining* about something here or do I have to spell it out
for them? Oops
Your hosts are a pair of kings, LARRY KING & JERRY LAWLER. Ross says "Stone
Cold" fifteen times in ten seconds.
I will give Ross A MILLION DOLLARS if he'd SHUT THE HELL UP ABOUT AUSTIN AND
CALL THE DAMN MATCH. Oy.
Bossman throws Christian out to Buchanan, who drops him on the barricade.
Back in the ring. Cover - 2. "Count, Dick!" No, no, TEDDY.
Ross calls Edge "Christian" because he's thinking about Austin, I think.
Boy, if I didn't know better, I'd say they were trying to DELIBERATELY put
on a show with no "WALKING!" bumpers, just to prove that they could do
it...even if it's just once. Hey, guys - I DID notice. And I appreciate it.
Thanks.
If Lawler says "Mamacita" one more time, I will have to kill him.
What is an "A to Z" personality? I only took two psych courses in college,
but I missed that one.
Hey, Kes is gonna be back on Voyager for sweeps? I may have to watch it! Oh
boy, Dr. Zimmerman's back! Oh boy, Counselour Troi! NOW I'm starting to
think it's GIMMICK MONTH ON STAR TREK! Woo hoo! The FREAKIN' BORG QUEEN??
Shrug.
Staredown - they try to give a friendly camera angle so you don't think "MAN
Tazz is SHORT" but it doesn't quite come off.
ROAD DOGG is running down the entryway - EDGE appears behind him (what was
HE doing anywhere NEAR the entrance? They come out through the crowd!)
BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM WE ARE LIVE 24.4.2K from the Entertainment & Sports
Arena (c'mon, is it REALLY called that?) in RAWleigh, NC, broadcast on USA
and maybe TSN and oh, by the way, I'm writing this report NAKED
TRISH STRATUS - THE FITNESS MODEL has a few words via tape...Well, she still
can't act, but she's hardly wearin' nothin' and I'm REALLY lonely
Trish has a new outfit - and some new words.Hey, why's she polishing tables
when she could be POLISHING MY KNOB
[After Vince provides lengthy exposition about the previous week's
episode]...WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?" Did Vince think we didn't watch the
show last week? This isn't "Mystery" on PBS, here!
HOLD THE PHONE! I CAN SEE ALMOST ALL OF THAT HO'S ASS!
Insurrextion is 6 May in the UK! (WHAT! They mentioned InsurreXtion over the
air in the States? says I)
The WWF Divas are appearing in RAW Magazine! They're all greased up,
bikini'd up and ready for your money! Be sure and - Heeeeeeeeeeey, that's
the OLD RAW logo! Boo hiss! Discontinuity! I mean - WOW! LOOKIT ALL THEM
*BREASTESSES!*
MICHAEL KING COLE (what the HELL did he do to his hair? Is it YELLOW now?)
Ross expresses his desire for Stone Cold Steve Austin to be here right now -
a thought he silently expresses EVERY WAKING MOMENT.
Tomorrow, "the WWF's Greatest Hits 2!" ONLY ON WHATEVER NETWORK WE'RE
WATCHING NOW
Michael King Cole has officially started taking whatever drugs Jim Ross is
on, by the way.
Cole: "OH MY GOD!! I'M MINI ROSS!"
Cole screams some more. Does Austin blow ALL the commentators?
Stomp, stomp, stomp, kick, head to the buckle, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick,
kick, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right,
right. ELEVEN punches in a row?
Let Us Take You Back To Selected Highlights of Trish's Comments to Buh-Buh
Ray Dudley - you know, she still isn't much of a talker...WHOA! LOOKIT THEM
HOOTERS!!!
Trish assumes the position on the shoulders of the burly white half of the
Dudleyville Duo, but just before he puts the "super" in superbomb, she
starts putting her lips all over Buh-Buh Ray's head. The crowd boos while
D-Von says "aw, man, I set up this table and you're gonna get some nookie
instead?"
I have spared you an AWFUL lot of Cole speculating on Austin being around
tonight - and I do mean "awful."
"WWF's Greatest Hits 2" is on TOMORROW!
"WWF's Greatest Hits 2" is on TOMORROW!
Starting to get the feeling that this thing is being overpromoted? *I* sure
am!
Jeff reverses the whip and ALL OF MATT'S TEETH FALL OUT. Oh, I guess that's
just the sparkly bits on his belt. Hey, who wears a BELT to the ring?
Answer: a guy with loose pants.
Hey, how about another look at that UPN Fan Cam - this time, we get a...hey,
I already SAW this damn Worm impersonation!! What, you ran out of bumpers IN
THE FIRST WEEK?!? NO *WONDER* NOBODY THINKS YOU'RE A **REAL** NETWORK!
Austin drops the barricade on top of the DX Express, triggering a giant
explosion. Can something be spectacular AND cheesy at the same time? WCW
This leads into a Special Video Look at Hulk Hogan - he's American made! Is
THIS your idea of holding onto viewers?
The ORIGINAL Nitro opening credits - THAT takes me back. Check out that clip
of Vader that was hastily removed when the man kinda got fired for fighting
with Orndorff!
It only takes McMichael all of eight seconds to earn him the wrath and scorn
of rec.sport.pro-wrestling as one of the worst colour men EVER.
Here's a Special Video Look at Nitro: Episode One - you know, it's
INCREDIBLY unfair of me to even be THINKING this way, much less share it
with you, but watching this package, I can't help but think of "WrestleMania
All Day Long." It's just LIKE WCW to have the bad timing to end up looking
like a "copycat" 24 hours after a WWF presentation, isn't it?
Spring Stampede is less than two weeks away! Don't let the fact that NO
matches have been announced keep you from making that call!
And now here IS a Special Video Look at GOLDBERG- they fail to play that one
clip where the "Goldberg" chant tape skips, though - that was funny.
Tony talks about how "Vince Russo, even then, was definitely a fan of Eric
Bischoff," even going to the effort of stealing from Bischoff and using his
own ideas against him. And that was how the WWF became #1. Wow, can't argue
with THAT.
Clips of Halloween Havoc - technically, not Nitro, but...
Jesus... They're REALLY deluded.
Can there be any other conclusion?
Tonight, a look back at WCW and Thunder...and a whole lotta ass-kissing!
Because, let's face it - why highlight wrestlers when you can talk about
*bookers* for two hours?
Here's another Special Video Look at the first Thunder - This show was
trounced on r.s.p-w at the time, both for it's high recycled content, high
"Saturday Night" calibre content AND the lack of decisive finishes. No less
notable luminaries than WrestleLine's very own mdb and Scott Keith gave
words to the effect of "THIS is why they shouldn't expand Nitro to three
hours." God bless 'em, it's STILL on Deja if you don't believe me.
Our hosts talk about that first ever main event which "had Bischoff's
fingerprints all over it" - Kevin Nash vs. Diamond Dallas Page for the US
title - Nash brought in by Bischoff, Page living next door - well, they
don't SAY that but I think it's implied.
Has anyone yet dared to utter aloud the thought that perhaps our new
permanent commentary team on all shows will be.....Bischoff (play-by-play)
and Russo (colour?)
>From Florence, 6.1.2K: BRET HART v. TERRY FUNK - I think when Hart chaired
Funk, he was saying "you told me you were retiring! You dragged my ass to
Tejas!"
Tenay does an interesting bit of spin-doctoring with "...it was almost as
if, as soon as Vince Russo came in and got things headed in the right
direction, he was gone from WCW - just like that!" By "the right direction,"
did Tenay possibly mean "into the crapper, numbers-wise?"
WOW! VH-1 DIVAS 2000 LIVE is next Tuesday! I bet Whitney Houston won't make
it this year, aw shucks!
This segment is notable because it was the last one Keith wrote up as
"So without further ado, the man who once was Vince McMahon's best kept
secret, who will once again change the game - the Power IS...VINCE RUSSO!"
"Iron Man" plays... and out he comes. He got "Iron Man" as his theme? Steady
on....
Lookit the Mark catching flies - c'mon, buddy, try CLOSING the mouth!
Breathe through the nose! You can do it!
Abbott leaves the ring and looks for a target. He spies the commentary
table. Hudson gets muted with "holy geez," but Abbott has other ideas. Yup -
ol' roly poly is pounded on, relieved of his shirt (sweet merciful CRAP!),
then put in the ring - Abbot strikes away. Security pulls him off a little
too early - I mean, a little too late...
Hogan actually *blades* for Bischoff's mighty swing...now THERE'S some
symbolism of some sort...
Moments Ago, two angles - do we actually see Hogan run the blade across his
forehead just before taking the chair from Bischoff? In plain sight and slow
motion? Oh well.
Well, lookee here. It's AWESOME MIKE AWESOME come out to beat down Nash. The
interesting thing about this appearance is the fact that to most of the
people who would have been shocked by this, it had already been leaked
thanks to Bubba the Love Sponge - to most of the rest of the world, it's
"huh? Who the heck is this guy?"
Tony says TNT cleared them to go until 10:30 - aww geez, there's ANOTHER
half hour of this show?
Ohhhh, so when I thought Tony said they were cleared to ten THIRTY, I must
have misheard and it was really ten THIRTEEN!
WOW! DAVID ARQUETTE is in the front row! HE'S not a wrestler either!
Stasiak is apparently calling himself "the Perfect one," now. And YOU
thought Russo and Bischoff didn't bring any new ideas to the dance!
CRACKA EAZY-E powerwalks to the ring. People flipping him the bird are
airbrushed out (oh, so we're still doing THAT, are we?)
Here's a Special Video Look from a camera inside the limousine, which begs
two questions - why's there a camera inside the limousine, and where would
Hogan be in this picture?Tony says it was a "security camera." I guess
there's a lot of those in limousines all around the country.
Let Us Take You Back - err, Ahead? - to a replay one of the Villanos
kabonging Sting with a gee-tar and removing his mask to reveal that he's
Jeff Jarrett! Errr.......
(THIS IS) STING v. LOS TRES VILLANOS - Now, let me look into my crystal ball
and speculate that the non-stocky Villano is really Jeff Jarrett, and he'll
break a gee-tar over Sting's head.
Slowly, the mask is coming off - why, that's JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET!
That's - that's TOTALLY SURPRISING!
Hey WCW - over and over, you were promising us better production and YOU HAD
AN ENTIRE DAY OF POST-PRODUCTION TO DEVOTE TO THIS SHOW (and obviously, from
all the airbrushing of middle fingers and "offensive" signs and audio tweaks
and the hey hey hey) AND YOU CAN'T EVEN BE BOTHERED TO PUT THE SEGMENTS IN
THE CORRECT ORDER? Well surely *THIS* is the new WCW!
Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight and segment one (I *believe* they
actually MEANT it to be segment one, as well - but who can say for sure)
If you learn nothing else from this report, note well that **it is a
GREVIOUS display of the GROSSEST sort of incompetence and laxity to let two
segments air out of order** and that overshadows EVERYTHING else about this
show.
Let me tell you how great my car is. I left the keys in it for THE ENTIRE
DAY at my work's parking lot and NOBODY wanted to drive it away!
Quick impressions: Tammy's aged - and not particularly well - she's
AWFULLY...umm...curvy? Is that the kind way to put it?
Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE, SCOTT HUDSON and MOBY MARK, THE WHITE WHALE.
I heard I was called a "jabrone" on WCW Live last week - is that a step up
from "jackass?"
Hennig borrows the Mark's water - douses the Mark (why? Don't know - DON'T
CARE! GO GO HENNIG)
"God damn" just misses the mute - "son of a bitch" doesn't even get a "howdy
neighbour" from the censor.
Sign in crowd: "TANK U 4 SHUTTING UP MADDEN"
Meanwhile, we take a look at the open contract on the door - wait -
someone's signing it! But...damn! All we see is a hand!
- as Package comes out to music and lighting (see...oh never mind)
commentators speculate that maybe it's someone from another promotion - hey,
it's not Chyna, is it? Naah.
Ask yourself: was this the kind of payoff for an entire show's worth of
Hogan walking around looking for Kidman you wanted to see? Does this seem
more palatable because they keep saying "Terry Bollea" over and over? Is
Hogan REALLY in the Millionaire's Club if we never see him interacting with
ANY of them, save for a scant few seconds with Sting on last week's Nitro?
And finally, despite the fact that all of these are rhetorical questions,
how many of you will STILL attempt to write me with answers to these
questions?
Bischoff stops by a monitor and asks it "what the hell is Kidman up to? Is
he out of his mind?" Kim asks how she looks and Eric suggests she lose the
jacket - or was that me just daydreaming?
Kimberly carries some giant breasts - I mean, papers - with her. She's
bustier - I mean, wearing a bustier... Bischoff is wearing a mic on his
lapel, because he's TOO COOL to have to carry a mic in his hands.
HERE'S YOUR SOUNDBITE, LARRY: "Ready to Rumble," the movie on which WCW is
placing a major chunk of storyline action, earned a rather paltry $994,671
over its third weekend in release - earning it *18th* place on the earnings
list. In WCW, this is what they call "striking while the iron is hot."
By the way, I didn't get to it during the "action" of the previous match,
but it was announced that Arquette/Bischoff is going to lead off the second
hour.
Arquette/Bischoff is going to be on when RAW starts.
Arquette/Bischoff is going to air at the top of the hour.
When the opposition's program starts, the counterprogramming will be the
match between David Arquette and Eric Bischoff.
Hoo boy...
TEAM PACKAGE (with Liz) v. KRONIC - Yep, they're gonna spell it THAT way -
remember, friends, you can TRADEMARK misspellings!
Bischoff announces that at Slamboree, there'll be a special guest referee in
the Kidman/Hogan match: namely, himself. "Do you hear that? Do you hear that
sound? Da ya hear it? It's the sound of your career coming to an end -
BROTHER!" Funny, I thought it was the sound of the Slamboree buyrate NOT
going up.
Kidman over with a WHACK of the chair. Let's give Hogan credit - he bladed
off camera this time.
Jarrett gets in the ring with his gee-tar while Arquette looks on. Pulling
up Bischoff (to use as a shield?) but Bischoff gets an open shot in on his
Cox.
Thunder ad - guess I don't get out of it this week...
I GET LETTERS: Hey, remember back two weeks when they decided to air two
segments out of order? Michael Sparkman has an explanation: The out of order
segments aren't bad production, it's part of the "New and Improved" WCW.
It's called, "Pulp Fiction Booking". They meant to do it.
Ohhhhhhh! NOW I "get it!"
Jarrett proclaims tonight the Revenge of the New Blood - now THERE'S a
horror flick title if I ever heard it.
Kimberly is kept in the ring. Hey, I can see the backs of her boobies!
Abbott in, but before he can take him out, Mero is in and giving him the old
stick and move - great, THIS is the guy that'll provide competition for Tank
Abbott? Holy crap, the sound guy has the old Johnny B. Badd theme? And he's
PLAYING it?
Sting - is - WALKING! And still covered in red stuff....geez, who does he
think he is...Al Snow?
Let Us Take You Back To Nitro Where Red Stuff Happened Thanks to Vampiro And
Whoever Was Helping Him High Above the Ring.
Vampiro T-shirt ad - wear it when you feel like LOSING REPEATEDLY
It's time now for "This Week in WCW Motorsports!" At Talladega, Blaise
Alexander got support from Tygress and Spice and drove to an "inevitable
restrictor plate racing tragedy" (translation: he crashed real good).
Tammy comes to the ring to a ripoff of David Rose's "the Stripper" - just
like she used to do in the WWF, when she was a LOT hotter.
"I bet each and every one of you are wondering what I'm wearing under this
robe - or more important, what I'm NOT wearing. Well unlike that little
tease Paisley, I know what the men COME to see, and right now, boys, I'm
gonna give it to ya!" And the robe is removed, and perhaps it's apropos that
with THOSE thighs, she'd appear on *Thunder.* Oops, sorry.
Anyway, she wisely wears an outfit to focus attention on her breast implants
as opposed to other areas that her demons appear have taken residence in - I
mean, taken over. Oh, geez, I'm SORRY. I SWEAR I'll go easier on Tammy from
now on. Crackwhore-- JESUS, that JUST slipped out and I'm REALLY REALLY
SORRY.
Tammy attempts chain wrestling - making her the FIRST PERSON ALL NIGHT to
attempt such a manoeuvre.
Paisley manages to come back with - a Golota? Does that REALLY hurt a woman
the way it hurts a man?
The "NWO Monday Nitro" theme plays...and out walks KIMBRRLY as the special
guest breasts - REFEREE! *N.B. CRZ didn't comment directly on the Arquette title win in this recap, so tune in a couple of weeks for the May quotes to see if he explored the issue in the following week's Nitro or Thunder reports...
Richard Craig |
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