THE XWF INFOMERCIAL

So, anyway, there's this XWF and they're doing infomericals to hype their shows. I think you know this. I'm stalling for my sake - I've seen this once and I'm wondering why I'm watching it again.

This is a paid program blah blah blah.

Open. Let's see, it's the XWF girls (I forget their name, but ex-Nitro Girls Chae, Naughty-a and Chameleon, I think) say "are you ready boys", Roddy Piper, Rena, Hail, a Road Warrior, Hennig (w/Heenan), Vampiro, the Nasty Boys doing Pitty City on someone, Jim Duggan clotheslining someone, Kid Kash (I should put that in big letters) with an exciting armdrag, the British guy with a move, Hail with a throw, Buff punching Hennig in slow motion replay, Henning falling to the floor, the girls again, Knobs with a forearm on the same guy, maybe Hail beating up some people, the British guy with a suplex, the Road Warriors, the Nasty Boys (they stole Christian's glasses) and an XWF logo.

Mene Gene Okerlund welcomes us to Universal Arena and the XWF Countdown. They're coming here soon! They're excited and we should be too. Here's more clips (and eventually they slip back into the open again) while Gene talks - Konnan, Marc Mero, Josh from Tough Enough are the people who weren't in the last set. XWF will have the great stars and tommorow's most promising. We'll both see the "brilliant athleticism" and "be entertained like never before!" We're promised to hear from Gene Simmons (oh no the Demon), Alice Cooper and Willie Nelson. What a trio! Gene says "entertained like never before" again. 

Hey, I saw this. This was the open. Or parts of it. Maybe more. Now there's someone doing lyrics in their best porno voice! "I've been a bad bad girl. You've been a bad bad boy!"

The Announcer Of Many Infomericals promises to tell us how much money we can make by following Carlton's Sheets - no, that's not it. XWF will push it to a new universe. They want to introduce us to the greatest stars but I see no [insert name here.] "No More Prima Donnas! Live and In Your Face!" I dunno, I'd like people to stay a safe distance away from me. "This is wrestling the way it should be!" We're promised to see many XWF stars on this program - Rena [nolastname], Rowdy Roddy Piper, Curt Hennig, Greg "the Hammer" Storm, The British Storm Ian, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, the Nasty Boys, the Road Warriors, Vampiro, Johnny B. Badd (huh?), Norman Smiley (now blinking on top of the screen "Coming to your area soon!"), Konan, Kid Kash and "many more." Also, we'll hear from Jimmy Hart, Sonny Onoo and Bobby Hennan. And from the referees. They're coming soon! Live and in your face! Wrestling the way it was meant to be! Hit all the slogans! Back to Gene.

Gene says the XWF will bring wrestling back where it belongs. It's not gonna make a difference if someone's been a wrestler for ten years or ten minutes. Sure seems to me that they like highlighting the people who've been wrestling more for ten years, but it's early yet.

Here's some fans who agreed to chant "XWF!" in exchange to be on an infomerical. 

A lot goes into the planning of shows - "not days or weeks, but literally months!" - then there's the booking to give us the matches WE want to see, to settle feuds amongst the XWF stars (or whatever.) Gene says "international stars, literally from all over the world." That's comforting to know - I wouldn't want my international stars coming from Portland. Like Roddy Piper. Jimmy Snuka Jr. The Road Warriors. Vampiro. The Nasty Boys. "Get ready America - Hacksaw Jim Duggan! Now, of course, venturing out into the world." Curt Hennig, managed by Bobby Heenan. Johnny B. Badd. Greg "the Hammer" Valetine. Gene says "guys, I'm not going to leave you out [the chicks dig the Hammer]" and the ex-Nitro Girls are the X.G.I. Girls. Also, Rena.

A lot goes into the making of an XWF event. They have lights! Cameras! Action! Also, TV shows. And, the XWF is all about the fans. Putting it all together, "when we arrive, get ready for the greatest show of your life!" Oh man, they're giving us Cubs/Sox tickets! "The greatest athletes in the world that comprise the XWF."

Gene tells it's one thing to see the XWF action on TV and it's a wholly different to see it live. I guess because you can only really see it live? I don't suppose were getting more than clips. More random chanting. Gene informs us that "global" means "all over the world", thanks. They're going to bring it back to center - wrestling has gotten out of whack, but they're put it back in whack, I guess. The XWF has big guys! Some 6 foot! Some 7 foot! Some 300 pounds! You want to see this! There's nothing like seeing an XWF event life. Don't wait to order tickets - Gene channels back his "make that all important phone call." Stay tuned for a very special offer! Wait, do I call now or do I wait? Decisions.

XWF - in your face! Past, present and future! No more Prima Donnas! They'll be at the Hammond Civic Center (in Hammond, IN) 12/28, bell time 7:30. That's where WCPW runs their Battle of the Belts shows, right? I wonder who'll draw more. You have to call 1-888-328-4112 for ticket and pricing information and they flash a "sell out crowd expected." On the poster that they shrink in the corner here (but elsewhere show full screen), it says that Rena will only be at the Milwaukee show. I guess they don't feel the need to point that out. The Past! Piper! Valentine! Road Warriors! The Present! Boys! Hennig! Vampiro! Bagwell! The Future! Hail! Ian Harrison! Drezdan (who?)! Josh! For watching this program, you'll get a bonus video program - ah, interesting way to get people to know what's going on. It'll be a piece of XWF history! You might win a VIP Backstage Pass!

Gene rattles off more catchphrases. They're family friendly! All members of the family can comfortable enjoy an XWF event! The reaction of the fans has been overwheling - they love the starts of the XWF.

"Live from Universal Studio's Orlando, Fl." - I think someone's having trouble with the concept of live. Mean Gene walks through the crowd and talks to the people about how they liked the show and people are eager to say anything to get on a TV camera. I guess they could actually like the show. It's this guy's first ever XWF show! "I though it's some of the best wrestling I've ever seen!" These guys like Billy Five, but I guess the XWF people didn't as much. Why do they show the guy breaking out into his Hogan impersonation? Everyone seems to like the show. And their free t-shirts.

Gene invites us to ringside for some good XWF action. Gene talks about the stars of tomorrow, and we go to Konan (graphic also says "aka: K-Dogg", thanks again for that) who thinks they're going to win over the fans and then starts doing Jay-Z. He talks himself up some more. And more. And then starts talking about lucha libre and we cut him off

A lot goes into the making of an XWF event. Wrestlers hang out backstage and talk and stuff, Gene assures us. 

Jimmy Hart (Mouth of the South) said they're not Xtreme wrestling (Hogan lied!) The X means anything! Wait, that seems familiar. 

Martin Goldsmith (Head of Promotions/UK) talks about what he does but why should we care. He's convinced that the XWF is the next big thing.

Little Genie (XWF Referee - but it should say XWF FEMALE Referee with Female in letters 12 feet high) talks about what a big deal she is being the first female wrestling referee (didn't they do that in NWA Worldwide? oh it doesn't matter) and how she's an Icon (that's a promising feud - Piper vs a women referee) and was she the one who was an nWo girl? Oh it doens't matter. 

Sonny Onoo w/Vapor (big Japanese guy, no not Onoo) talks without his accent! I'm shocked! I think I saw him still carrying his camera before. He does actually speak in Japanese to ask us to watch. There's Martin again. MARTIN MARTIN MARTIN SHANANANA. Hail says if we're a hardcore wrestling fan, we'll watch the XWF. It's pure hardcore wrestling. Genie and Konan both say "in your face." 

Gene Simmons' stolen Undertaker's eye gimmick. The Demon is coming to get ya! 

Hacksaw Jim Duggan likes that there are no prima donnas in the XWF. 

Alice Cooper: "XWF in your face, welcome to my nightmare!" I think this is quickly becoming mine.

Jimmy Hart tells us not to trust midgets. And laughs.

Gene tells us the XWF is coming to town. It's one thing to see it on TV but it's much much better live. At this point, I'd really hope so. Make that phone call now! 

We get the show promo again. The same exact one.

You know, a lot goes into the making of an XWF event. Wait, not again. Here's actual footage of people hanging out backstage. There's the booking. You put it all together, and you have excitement that is the XWF.

I guess this is behind the scenes of an XWF event. Rena says Day 1. Why is Johnny B. Badd arriving with her? I think he's calling himself that because Marc Mero was forced to retire forever. Norman Smiley thinks it's very early. Hail gives us the first. Some guy I don't know is smart enough to hype the XWF so he can get on camera a little longer. They're setting up the ring. And the set. Is that Sarge helping set up the ring? I think it was! If only Goldberg didn't lose that tag match. More setting up and getting ready. No Moe Prima Donnas. This turns into another ad but with backstage footage we've already seen. Various people pose with fans for pictures in the parking lot.

Paul Stanley asks if the XWF is ready to rock and roll all night and party every day. 

Duggan tells us has been watching the other wrestling - it looks like Baywatch with the ocean! But then he hears about all the top starts coming in - Buff! The Nasty Boys! - gets up off his rocking chair, goes up to the attic, gets his 2x4 - "have board, will travel - this is the actual board I knocked out Andre the Giant with!" and called up the XWF looking to come aboard. 

Gene talks about mixing the stars of today with the future ones of tomorrow, and then uses the international stars from all over the world line again. They saved money on the writing, for sure. 

Here's more on the same people! With famous quotes and bios! Curt Hennig: "I'm accidentally incredible!" Hammer will let us know when it's HammerTime. Look at all the famous people Jimmy Hart has managed - now his great challenge is Hail. Who's the most promising talent. In what? The British Storm looks more like Saturn than Steiner too me. He wants to be the bulldog. The Nasty Boys have no first names. I bet Hawk isn't on the drugs any more. Hacksaw's gone back to the 3 Point Stance - he only carries the Old Glory.

Jim Duggan is going to ask Willie Nelson what he thinks about the XWF. NEXT. Duggan tells a sad story (we even get sad music!) about being up in Alaska and visiting military personal and the people telling him to hold the flag a little big longer and by god, he will. This is almost a good promo but it's too much of a promo, you know?

They're coming! No more prima donnas! The greatest action you can possibly see! They've giving the fans what they want! Make that cool! Don't miss out. You've never seen anything like the XWF! Gene says the X stands for Xciting - so Jimmy lied too! You can't trust anything. Gene signs off.

One more promo for the show.

That's it.

If you do go, god bless you.