ON THE SOAPBOX
Let the boobies hit the floor! --Chris Jericho
You know, Jericho just improved that crappy song about a million percent. Even the other lyrics seem to fit. "Something's got to give?" HA! Maybe they could get Jericho to sing his version as Steph's new entrance music, with a great new entrance video.
Anyway, last week I really noticed something. We had 6 matches over the course of 2 hours. The rest of the time was taken up by beatdowns (fine), commercials (gotta have them), and two 20 minute promos. What?
I really got back into wrestling back in late 1997, but still PS (pre-Screwjob for Bret fans). Back then, it just seemed like there was more wrestling there. And thanks to the magic of the Wayback Machine (powered by CRZ's RetroRawRecaps), we can go back.
(Feel free to make the noise that Wayne and Garth make when going into dreams here if you like.)
Anyway, let's take a look at what happened last week. DX is red hot, and we're in the middle of the Brawl for All. Hey, there's Sable! And Too Much! Is that Gangrel and Bart Gunn?
Last week, Raw ran for 2 hours and had 29:44 of matches (times approximate because of the funky times in the Brawl for All).
"Wait a second!" you're yelling. "There's not that much difference! Only six minutes!"
You're right. But let's look at how it broke up.
On 2001 Raw, we had one 20 minute Stone Cold promo, and, counting replays, we also had 7 more Austin promos. Then we had Kurt out for 2, and the big Steph-Rhyno-Booker-Jericho-Rocky 20 minute monster.
Here in 1998, we have 2 Austin promos. And I think I found Austin a bit more entertaining back here. At least we weren't seeing him bawl out other guys and whip Tazz for 20 minutes.
In 2001, there were 6 matches total, with the main event running 8 minutes and 48 seconds. The shortest was 1:49. 1998? 7 matches (combining the Val-Kaientai gauntlet into 1) - 7:46 main event and 1:03 shortest.
But if we had less time in the ring, how does it seem like there was more wrestling? Easy.
This can be explained by a little something that I call the "uncle theory." Now you see, we all have one uncle, or aunt, or relative that we can tolerate in small doses. More than that, and you're getting ready to throw a dining room chair out the window so you can escape. That's what the promo situation is like. I don't mind them, in small doses. But don't forget, that second W still stands for wrestling. Small promos. Less Austin. That'll improve Raw for me, anyway. (Of course, Jericho talking about boobies and JR saying "hooters" in one segment is still good TV.) But less Austin mocking guys who don't deserve it (Raven & Tazz). By the way, just so you know I don't just hate the "new stuff" I also thought that the Mankind-Rock "This is your life" bit ran too long.
I guess I just don't understand wrestling. We get literally half the show eaten up by 2 promos and then we hear about how the WWF just can't get everybody on TV, even shows like Heat or Jakked. I guess I just don't understand.
And now I'll leave you with a bit from Fozzy's new hit song:
Nothing wrong with me
Something's got to give
LET THE BOOBIES HIT THE FLOOR!
See you next week.