The Flyin' Baba Chop Tape Review: WWF No Mercy 2000
With your very special (in the Corky kinda way) host, Travis.
Hey there kidz. One half of the dynamic duo that IS the "Baba Chop Lynch Mobb Deep 4 Life Playahataz Rocketeerz etc. and so on" checking in with a review of a Pay Per View that is neither timely nor relevant yet mildly amusing in that it's really not that good. Hey, it was the first thing I found laying around my room. Under a copy of Evan Dorkin's classic "World's Funniest". An omen? Nah. Not at all.
Let us revisit that magical year 2000, when the WWF had yet to be Deflated errrr InVaded, the Undertaker had yet to start ROLLIN ROLLIN ROLLIN and Steve Austin was freshly returned from an injury that in kayfabe terms had been perpetrated by the nefarious...Rikishi~! But allegedly business was BETTER then. Somehow. Some way. Maybe it's something to do with the conspicous absence of a certain cellphone swingin' fat man. Just maybe.
Wow! A LEXX origin movie. That show both confuses and amuses me. Oh. Wait. I forgot to press "play".
WWF One World Leader attitude MAN the buyrates are sinkin' fast~!
"You nearly took my life." Steve Austin reminds Rikishi that "paybacks are a bitch" and "don't expect any actual wrestling tonight because I'm still hurt and they just brought be in early to goose the ratings". He may or may not have said all that during our very special video package that opens the show.
And now, Presto and their shitty Pizza Ovens Present WWF No Mercy!
We are LIVE from Albany! Home of...nothing particularly interesting! Our hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry "my hero" Lawler. Remember him? Kinda heavyset, greasy hair? Yeah, that guy. He's been working Maryland Championship Wrestling lately...and now he's back after getting on his knees before Lord Vince and promising to say "puppies" more. So out of respect for his dearly departed dignity I'll *try* to limit my "15 year old blonde references". Emphasis on "try". We're awaiting the arrival of Stone Cold, don't ya know?
We'll begin the fun with as Ross puts it "a failry unique tag team match up". Which is to say it's freakin' retarded. The Fink explains the rules to the audience before the introductions, placing emphasis on the fact that they literally pulled this match idea out of their asses two days before the show. "Our opening match is the Dudley Boyzzz Tag Team Table Elimination Invitational!" Let's see Lili Garcia get through THAT kind of copy. Once a guy is put through a table his team is eliminated yadda yadda like it matters. This match was "set up by the Dudleyz" for reasons that elude all sanity, as the tag team champs at the time were in fact the Hardy Boyz.
The first team looks awful familliar...hey, it's 2 Cool. Remember them? Grandmaster Indy Schlub wears his "dredlox" hat and goggles. And probably has weed stashed in that acid washed denim jacket. Just sayin' is all. He too is working MCW, so I'll try to be kind. Is that a Flava-Flav clock he's wearing? Both make goofy faces as they await two other guys no longer important to the promotion..."You're looking at the REAL DEAL NOW". When bad wrestlers have cool theme music! It's D'Lo Brown...Chaz...Lo Down!
D'Lo's looking...busty...and Chaz sucks. Punch punch punch punch punch irish whip punch. There's two minutes of the match right there. "D'Lo sucks" chant reminds us that D'Lo sucks. Scott Taylor punches like your sister, while Brian Christopher punches more like your angry lesbian aunt. The intent is there, but the execution is severly lacking. Ross and Lawler realise this match sucks and ramble on about Stone Cold not showing up early.
Chaz gets crotched by a table and Ross notes that "that doesn't feel good". D'Lo hits the Sky High on GMS and Chaz crotches Taylor on the top rope teasing the first elimination spot as Chaz tries a superplex and D'Lo goes for the Lo-Down, both through tables. The crowd realizes that Lo Down will never go over and therefore remains apathetic. Lo and behold, both Jersey Jobbers have the tables turned and out they go. Thanks for playing guys. Next week we'll stick you with TIGER ALI FREAKIN' SINGH just to make sure any heat you have is dead. D'Lo isn't blacklisted though. Nah, not at all.
It takes about a year to clear the ring of rubble and low-grade wrestlers, so GMS starts an American Males clap to keep the crowd mildly interested. Ah, the beating heart sound effects can only mean your next team is the ever-so-successful Tazz and Raven. Ross may or may not be asleep as he for some reason mentions "music videos". Lawler uses his psychic powers to predict the future as he yells "bang! bang!" a full 3 seconds before 2 Cool go for the standard double baseball slide spot.
Lawler was fresh off his mind-boggling feud with Tazz, so he spends the entire segment burying both ECW guys. 2 Cool with some vanilla crusierweight double teams, followed by ULTRA sloppy offense by Team Heyman's Not In the Promotion Yet. Tazz and Raven attempt a double suplex to the outside on GMS that would have ruled yet to my dismay Taylor makes the save. Blown spot as Christopher eliminates himself by fucking up his sunset flip to the floor on Raven, who may or may not been paying attention. Damned pills. Announce team makes little effort to cover and the Albany crowd reminds Brian that he "fucked up". WORM spot on Raven exposes the business and fails to accomplish anything. Tazz watches idly, then attacks, leading to a double suplex on Taylor and eliminating 2 Cool. Good for him.
Is Raven wearing a RUSH shirt? That would kinda rule. BOOM BOOM BOOM. The Dudleyz come out and I can't imagine how they wouldn't win their own match. Dudleyz are faces here and really really annoying. Butt buster bomb! Wazzup! Raven's a JOBBER! Hooray! The crowd rejoices in the tired face antics. Ross lets a "Damned Dudleyz" slip, even though they're faces here. Raven and D'Von crack heads on a poorly executed "whip to the corner" spot. Was it because Raven was doped up or because D'Von is a truly horrendous worker? YOU MAKE THE CALL!
Raven and Tazz sell everything like gunshots and Lawler continues to bury Tazz. D'Von legdrops Tazz on the table...but it didn't give much. Ouch. See ya Tazz! Better luck next time. Or when Heyman comes in and gives you more airtime. Whichever comes first. One more team...oh boy, it's Right To Censor.
For those of you who remember, Right to Censor was a really really really annoying gimmick that I won't be bothered to explain. Go ask your older brother. Oy! That "music"! To this day it haunts those bored enough play Smackdown! 2 (Know Your Role despite the fact Rocky hasn't said Know Your Role since 1998 or so when he was a cool heel as opposed to an annoying face). Representing RTC is the Goodfather and Bull Buchanan, the scourge of OVW or HWA or wherever the hell he is now (off my TV, thankfully). Generic brawling. Generic brawling. Bull is a cross between the Wall and Sid. So you know this is good...punching and kicking. Or not.
Jack Doan gets knocked down and hijinks ensue as Bubba (kinda) powerbombs Bull, but Kama Mustafa the Goodfather of Soultaking Human Fighting Pimp Machines waylays Bubba and tricks a miraculously revived Jack Doan into thinking Bull had eliminated Bubba. How diablolical. He almost stole the...er...whatever the reward for wining this pointless match is. But wait! Mike Sparks tells Jack Doan what happened...oh JOY the match must continue!
Ho Train (huh?) misses and Kama gets 3-D into a table. That's not the last we'll hear from the RTC tonight, however. Because Vince had to drive his point home. Whatever that point may have been. I can't remember if Steve Allen was dead yet when this aired -but either way- that'll show HIM, eh Vince? So the Dudleyz win...uhm...something. Replayz, ramblingz, move on.
Trish Stratus rallies her troops (Test and Albert). Test hopes Trish doesn't pop out of her tube top. Albert does. Such dastardly heels, them is.
Rikishi...wears a jacket but no shirt. And lurks in the parking garage. Isn't he cold?
Lawler and Ross moralize over Rikishi's murderous intentions toward Steve Austin. Which is a smooth transition into:
Last week on Heat when the APA played poker with T&A and Trish ended up removing clothing, then watching her guys attack the distracted Elderly Texan Express. Why didn't she just show her tits and have her guys attack from behind? Why bother setting up a poker game? And why would the APA play poker with a heel tag team? I think too much, I think.
Cut to a match on Raw where Bradshaw makes out with Trish, turns around and hits Albert with the...uhm...Bad Axe Bomber from Hell (if that's a lariat, I'm Canadian...thankfully I'm not) to score a victory which means...nothing. Then we go to Smackdown! (old logo) where T&A rough up Lita, only to be foiled by the Acolytes. I guess Matt and Jeff were busy writing poetry or something. Thus setting up our next match, which is supposed to be APA and Lita verses A,T, and T.
Lita comes out first with the womens title and looks as stoned as ever. I wonder if she could run even before she got the big fake tits. Lawler reminds us that crappy pizza ovens are responsible for all of this pain I'm suffering. Yum. Pizza. Of course Lawler could see how these ovens would come in handy, what with teenagers in the house (I said I'd *try*).
APA music plays...and they miss their cue because they're old. Just kidding. T&A prove their superior intelligence by hitting both Acolytes with large objects. I believe this was done to cover a Farooq injury or something. So rather than have a substitute match...
Lita runs to the back, but instead runs right into some T&A. And Test and Albert, too. Trish lays in a beating that makes me chuckle as Lita oversells everything. Trish hits a good bulldog, then attends to the MONSTEROUS wedgie she's working on. WOW Catapult (tm) from Albert to add injury to...injury. T&A set up for the Veg-o-matic (!), but before they can reverse thousands of dollars of surgery, the Hardyz make the inexplicably late save (in street clothes). Uhmmm...aren't the Hardyz half the size of T&A? Whatever. This of course would set up...uhm...nothing. Test and Albert eventually split yadda yadda.
Edge and Christian do a mildly amusing bit with Lillian Garcia about the word "nuts" and how it's a clever double entandre for TESTICLES. For the two people who didn't get it. Then they remind us of the Conquistadores and I wonder how many ramen packets Chris Daniels gets from Sasuke per show. More on that later. (The Conquistadores, not Curry Man.)
RAW has moved to TNN. Smell the...something. Hey, they said RAW IS WAR and I'm offended. Deeply.
The steel cage lowers ominously as Jim Ross reminds us that Chris Jericho and X-Pac kinda don't like each other, which is a perfect segueway into...
Rikishi wandering around with a sledgehammer and STILL no shirt. He'll catch his death of cold.
Back to the fun, old Y2J entrance video (cooler, and more heelish...I think) brings out everyone's least favorite face and favorite heel. Jericho looks...mildly...distracted about his upcoming match. Remember when the steel cage MEANT something? Right...like when Vince Russo and Ric Flair-err anyway. Jericho pulls a mic out of thin air and cuts a mildly shooty promo on X-Pac, in which he admits to having no clue as to why the two of them are feuding. Then he intimates that X-Pac's ring attire is gay. This from a man with pink lightning bolts on his pants. Awkward pause, look to the ramp...oops Sean missed his cue and I for one am SHOCKED.
And the crowd goes wild as...uhm...Jericho has to improv as someone's not done greasing Waltman up yet. Hey, he mentioned Degeneration X. Remember them? Nah, me either.
Much cooler old X-Pac music hits and out comes the 'Pac. Ross says both guys are in their 20's and I scratch my head. X lays on the badmouth, then poses in front of the cage door so Jericho can hit him with a baseball slide. Cruiserweight brawling ensues. Jericho lays in some sloppy/stiff shots that make it worthwhile.
Into the cage we go as Pac slams Jericho's head in the door, then follows him in. There's the bell. Lawler rambles incoherently and Pac lays in the boots. X-Pac throws fairly decent punches. He's doing a weird roaring monster heel act, which is funny since he maybe weighs a buck fifty. Jumpy kicky, followed by an attempt to climb out (I will only mention once that the door is RIGHT THERE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS SWEET AND HOLY). Jericho dropkicks him down leading to crotch spot #1, Waltman straddles the ropes. Jericho follows with an awesome suplex then...a punch. More brawling and a corner spot in which you can hear Jericho calling the next spot- the corner sling/bulldog combo. Word on the street is that Rikishi has no remorse.
More spot calling leads to Jericho attempting an escape, only to be caught by X-Pac. Jericho kicks him off and for no apparent reason follows with a missle dropkick. Quebrada meets knees and X-Pac calls for the door to be opened. Jericho catches his leg and X-Pac yells "son of a BITCH" in a comical X-Pac kinda way. Chops keep Jericho on the mat, so rather than escape X-Pac instead rams Jericho into the cage. Which is not that impressive when the cage is just a chain link fence. Bring back the blue bars!
A second sling into the cage causes Jericho to flop over the top rope but it looks like he WANTED that second crotch spot so badly. Wait for it, young Jericho...it'll come. Ross confuses X-Pac and Jericho for Edge and Christian because when you get right down to it all white people DO look alike. X-Pac goes for a Bossman Straddle (yay!) but gets back body dropped into the cage (eh). Needless to say he almost lands crotch first. X-Pac no sells and continues on offense. Heel kick gets 2- wait...there's no pinfalls. Word on the street is that X-Pac may do some recreational substances that are less than beneficial to one's ability to reason. Just saying, is all.
More jumpy kicky in the corner causes Ross to do the tired bit about "educated feet" and sets up the Bronco Buster which may or may not count as crotch related spot #2. X-Pac gets all the way to the top off the cage but gets high angle powerbombed back to the mat. Which is really cool way to end the match...but...they instead chose to carry on for a few more minutes. Hooray. Lawler yells "oh my gosh!" Yeah, it was THAT impressive.
X-Pac basically no-sells by getting back to his feet so Jericho can get the best of a punch exchange. X-Pac calls "time out" so he gets a lariat instead. Jericho climbs, but gets dragged back down for official crotch related spot #2: Jericho straddling the ropes. X-Pac makes it half way out the door but gets dragged back in...with a STEEL CHAIR. Feel the drama. Jericho laid out with the chair which is a pretty logical way to end the match except...well, you know. Rather than use the door X-Pac climbs very very slowly. Jericho pulls a Kane and pops back up, making it to the top just in time to cause crotch spot #3: X-Pac racked on the top of the cage. The psychology is beyond intense, here. Jericho continues his assault on Sean Waltman's ability to have a family as he IMMEDIATELY goes to crotch spot #4: Liontamer straddling one of the cables on top of the cage. Hey, psychology is psychology but don't blow your load on one exchange guys.
X-Pac tries frantically to tap out somehow causing Jericho to fall to the mat. Lawler suggests that X-Pac roll to his left thus killing himself yet "he'd still win the match" so I guess it makes sense. I'd suggest that this is a neat way to end the match but we all know better by now. X-Pac poses, then tries to climb over, using the door as a foothold. Will:
(A) X-Pac get racked on the door allowing Jericho to escape
(B) X-Pac get racked on the door allowing Jericho to escape or
(C) X-Pac get racked on the door allowing Jericho to escape
The answer is DUH. Crotch-related spot #5 ensues and X-Pac sells it like white hot death. So a super high angle powerbomb merely slows him down, but a shot to the boys downstairs kills him dead. Duly noted. Jericho celebrates and leans on an old guy as he leaves.
Hey it's STEVE BLACKMAN at WWF New York! Remember him, CHRIS?
To the Commish's office. Rikishi demands Foley produce Austin. Foley promises to declare Rikishi winner by forfeit if he no shows. Because that's SO likely.
Eddy Guerrero (sigh) the IC champ is shown blowing out his hammy on a bad monkey flip. Therefore we get a match between Val Venis (ok) and Stevie Richards (uhm...) versus Chyna and the not-yet repackaged Mr. Ass (AIEEEE). Because the fans somehow demanded it. Chyna cuts an appropriately disturbo promo about her grabbing Eddy's balls or something. Billy Gunn stutters and calls Chyna beautiful. Did he say "Ass-so-lutely"? That woulda been kinda cool.
RTC comes out and I...ay yi yi. Richards does the semi-nazi salute and the crowd goes...out for a beer. Pre-match Richards calls Gunn "rectally obsessed" thus adding half a star to this debacle. A -**1/2 match!
Don't treat her like a woman, don't treat her like a man...because she's a little bit of both. This was most likely following that hilarious series of skits where Eddy tried to break into the Playboy mansion. Why can't we just watch those instead? Mr. Ass signs in the crowd couldn't POSSIBLY be planted. Val wears white pants, throws decent punches. Some say he lacks intensity, I say he's stuck with an ex-porn star gimmick and white pants.
I wrote a poem about this match in the style of a popular internet personality:
Mr. Ass is horrendous
the sky is blue
the city at night is dark
it's hard to watch this shit
I got ho's with area codes
Stevie Richards is a glorified male valet
Stuff happens...followed by more stuff...Val has to sell Chyna's comical offense...thrown into the ring where he has to sell Mr. Ass' comical offense. Richards tagged in and almost dies on a crappy press slam by the Ass. Chyna roughs him up and Ross makes me laugh by elaborating on Chyna's beauty. Chyna is a one man wrecking crew (you heard me). Single arm DDT (!) on the Ass by Val. Yeah, we need more Spike Dudley on our TVs...no need to bring this guy back. Generic double team work on Ass' arm will lead to the inevitable Chyna playing hermaphrodite on fire.
Chyna kills Val dead with the sloppy "handspring" of doom. Fameasser, double team neckbreaker, RTC run in cut off by SUPERAss. Chyna goes for a Pedigree...? But Eddy strikes with the gimmicked roses to give RTC the win and put us all out of collective misery. The sad part is we all thought THIS was the bottom as far as Eddy was concerned. Alas, alas.
Meanwhile semi-face Triple H broods as full-on heel Stephanie interrupts and someone forgets to cue the audio. Stephanie provides a tape of "Benoit applying the crossface" but Triple H is more concerned with her managing Kurt Angle. Meanwhile Rikishi dons an ever imposing Homer Simpson-esque Mu Mu and carries a sledgehammer. Vid package tells us that Rikishi ran over Austin. We get it. Ok.
He's a BAD MAN, in case you forgot. The flowered mu mu tells ya so. Out he strides, sledgehammer in hand. Ross no sells Lawler's reference to racial aspect of this angle that was swiftly dropped because the WWF are PUSSIES.
Rikishi demands Foley come out and declare him the winner by DQ as Austin has yet to show. Cue the car crash and ol' Shooter McFoley. Rikishi and the crowd grow impatient as Foley's entire theme plays...followed by...Austin's music (crappy rap version). Cut to an external shot of the StoneColdMobile driving into the arena, and right through the really crappy titantron setup (it's just a thin plastic wall). Austin out of the truck and punchpunchpunchpunchpunch and so on. In all fairness Austin's neck is still brittle here, so what more can ya expect? A different match? Are you MAD?
Anyways, Austin slams the door of his shiny black pickup into Rikishi's shoulder a couple of times and I'm suddenly trying to remember whether or not it was his shoulder that's been keeping him out for so long. He's coming back with a new Samoan Swat Team, word is. Won't THAT be great? Next all we'll need are some hillbillies and Tom Pritchard with a dye job and it'll be just like the mid nineties never went away. Hurrah! (actually I would have popped if *SMW* had been added to the InVasion...)
Back to the squash errr action as Austin throws Rikishi around like a big fat rag doll. Brawling into the crowd which is always such a great idea. Austin sells a beer to the face like Muta mist...and Lawler beats me to the obvious Popeye analogy. They actually do the Austin piledriver/backdrop spot, which is heroic on Austin's part as his neck is equivilent to paper mache at this point. Austin regains the advantage and makes with the slightly unsettling belt whipping. Something about a redneck with a shaved head laying in a whipping...hmmm...
Austin now HANGING Rikishi. And listen to the fans cheer. He's YOUR hero, folks. Well, back then he was. What? The hanging lasts like 2 minutes. That's one way to do a resthold I guess. Austin tries to make like Bret Hart and destroy a TV monitor, but Rikishi lays in a big right hand to break up the AV mayhem. Two more punches drop Austin. Now Austin decides to sell a little bit giving Rikishi the short lived advantage. Superkick...gets zero because no one's bothered going for a pin. Hey, if this is "no holds barred" why didn't Rikishi just bring an axe or something?
Anyway, Austin regains the advantage with a steel chair and the entire Rikishi offense segment was just filler, I guess. Chairshot chairshot chairshot stalling as "Rockishi" blades. Stone Cold reinforces the fact that Rikishi is a big fat jobber by taking time to put on JR's hat before finishing him off with a bunch more chairshots. Rikishi ducks Austin murder attempt #1, the sledgehammer to the head. Austin lays in more punishment to Rikishi's shoulder with the tailgate of the Stone Cold X-Press 2000. Austin pulls another chair out of the bed of his truck (must be headed to a Buffet concert or something) and the usual follows. "By God ", etc. Rikishi dumped into the pickup.
Austin drives outside the arena and punches Rikishi as Rikishi walks over to a nearby grassy knoll (conspiracy~!) and lays down for a long winter's nap. Or not. Rikishi reclines against a stone wall as Austin sloooowly pulls the truck around and lines up for murder attempt #2 because he's an all-american hero yessiree. Austin revs 'er up but fails to put it in gear before the Albany PD can intervene by sacrificing one of their cars to thwart Austin's heroic attempt to kill a man in cold blood. THIS is how Hogan should have taken out Earthquake. Then every (fake?) cop in Albany shows up and arrest ol' Stone Cold. Without pulling their guns, even.
This would lead to the infamous "who called the cops" angle. Or something like that. I don't know. Let's all pretend it didn't happen. After the belabored replay. Hey, guys we SAW what happened. Really. Honestly.
Oh, in totally good taste we also get a worked injury to a police officer- because Austin is that much of a great guy. How come the cop gets the stretcher and Rikishi lays prone in the grass? Maybe Rikishi was right about his people being held down after all. Until they dropped the angle, that is.
As the ambulance pulls away we hear french horns, which means European Champion REGAL will save us all. Hahaha. Riiight. Who could his opponent be? A hot young rookie who needs the rub from a champ? An established star to give cred to the new worker in the promotion? If you said "a naked and heatless road agent", you're also Vince McMahon. Regal cuts a hillarious promo but no matter how good the promo is, the guy who answers the challenge still has the Blue Meanie's music and is still NAKED MIDEON. Regal does look really fit here, but it's little consolation as a man who is "fouler than a box of frogs" (Regal OWNZ it) waddles out in an Undertaker shirt to a completely underwhelmed audience.
The psychology of the match is that the booking committee hates the audience errr I mean that Mideon keeps teasing nudity errr I mean oh I give up. Regal doesn't even work carny style, thus proving someone backstage really really liked Mideon and had no clue why he shouldn't be booked on a pay per view show. Best moment comes as Mideon tries to start an American Males clap and the crowd just sort of stares at him as if to say "is that Nietzsche tattoed on your shoulder there?". Chain wrestling with Mideon is like butter on a hamburger. You can do it, and it won't be -totally- unpalatable, but why bother?
Mideon hits a Beach Patrol-esque dropkick and then some other stuff happens. Lawler makes...a Harlan Ellison reference? Kooky. Regal looks bored or simply depressed here. He knows what's going to happen. We all know what's going to happen. Aaannd the shirt comes off. Puppies!
Chinlock spot as Mideon tries to rally the crowd behind him...but it fails and Regal tosses him out of the ring. The crowd turns hostile as we all ponder our reasons for being and watching this match. Personally I take the view that there is no inherent value in any wrestling match, the wrestling match simply is what it is. And this -is- dogshit.
Long talks to Regal about that time he bonked Rick Steiner with the giant key he usta around his neck, allowing Mideon to sneak up on Regal and- pull down his pants and lay a kiss on Regal. I wish I was making that up. A fanny pack keeps us from having to see his uhm, Southern Justice. Mideon gets in some scrub offense, then climbs to the top. Regal makes it to his feet and prevents the inevitable Stardust Press by crotching Mideon on the top rope as if he were X-Pac.
Mideon crashes to the mat and Regal considers laying on the Stretch...but instead makes a comical face. Union Jack (NEVER called ever, so I wouldn't expect it here) and the three count ends our collective misery. Polite heel Regal was so much cooler than his current incarnation. The whole "pissed off to smiling and waving bit" is classic.
First mention of the WWF title tonight, as the Rock will defend it against Kurt Angle and Stephanie McMahon. Well, she'll be "in his corner" but it's basically a forgone conclusion she'll interfere. Goddamn am I cynical. SMH guarantees a win and I can't remember who really does win so I'm in suspense at least. Hilarious segment from Heat where Kurt Angle interviews clips of the Rock is replayed. Kinda like Space Ghost. If this promo had been done for the upcoming PPV, Kurt would have called Rock "Dwayne" alot and mentioned being a "blue chipper". Rocky has a kickin' Gumby haircut in some of these clips.
Kevin Kelly interviews Los Conquistadores who stand around, say "si" a few times and look just like Edge and Christian. Not that it mattered. This angle was perfect- it was obvious, but fun. It ran up to ONE pay per view. And the fans bought into it. Now let us hope they never do it again (they will). The Coquistadores charge off to take on the Hardyz for the Tag Titles.
Hardyz enter first to annoy Zimmerman. Lita sells the earlier beatdown by not coming out with her...uhm...guys. Generic music brings out the Conquistadores who are billed as being from "Latin America". Ross refers to them as luchadores, so naturally they go and confer with the Spanish Announce Team. The guys in the red WWF shirts, not the 17-year old indy workers. Of course.
Matt pisses on lucha tradition by demanding the Cons unmask before they wrestle. How dare he! Dos (Christian) starts with a somersault and an embarrassingly lame "Lucha Libre" discussion between Ross and Lawler ensues. Matt with a lariat and then immediately he goes for the mask. That jerk. Uno (Edge) tags in and very little else happens. Jeff tags in and hits a weird jumping lariat. Jeff makes with the Dragon Kid offense, then covers Uno for a two count. Doesn't anything get a one count, anymore?
Lawler mentions the Slammies and Ross gets all indignant as the Conquistadores continue to get knocked around by generic Hardyz offense. Fistdrop/senton combo gets 2 on Dos. Fruitiness in Motion, followed by Uno taking a drop toehold into the crotch of Dos. This show is crotcherrific. Hardyz continue to try the unmasking which is just plain wrong I tells ya. Uno and Dos hit a double dropkick sending the Hardyz out of the ring and Ross mentions the origial Conquistadores' real names because he's just that cool.
Really generic stuff follows, mixed with comedy spots. Jeff plays cut-rate Ricky Morton as Lawler reminisces about Elvis. Edge goes for a tope rope senton which is something new for him, at least. Trainwreck spot sees Christian (?) hit a springboard body press to the outside (!) followed by a less impressive top turnbuckle body block by Matt. Chrisitan hits the reverse diving DDT but Jeff breaks it up with a Swanton. Matt covers but Edge saves. Twist of Fate followed by...and unmasking...but Edge has 2 masks. Unprettier, 3 count, Conquistadores win!
Replay of Austin, truck, cops, yeah.
Triple H watches Benoit put him in the Crossface, smiles, walks away. Ooookay. Then we go back to Chris Benoit becoming a national hero by headbutting Stephie into next week. Hahahaha that ruled so much. More replays take us through this feud that was pretty hot but probably should have been over a title or something more important than the bosses' ugly daughter. But who am *I* to doubt El Dan- I mean Vince McMahon?
That music is awfully familiar...hey it's Chris Benoit! Heel Chris Benoit! With striped tights! Ah, memories. Presto presents Triple H's non-Motorhead theme song and the man himself. This was during H's aborted face run, so the crowd pops pretty huge. Big staredown ensues. Posing by H which makes me wonder why Benoit doesn't just punk him out but we all know the answer- POLITICS (tm).
They square off and the crowd starts a HUGE Triple H chant. Great "pissed off" stuff from both guys...I forgot H could throw a passable punch. H starts working the leg, using the fact that Benoit's half his size and he's a roided up monster to make the knee smashes look impressive. Psychology~! takes over as H works the leg. Like a heel. But whatever. H does about every "working" the leg spot he knows, and a few I'm sure Benoit helped him through.
Benoit's punches are not so wonderful, and H spends another five minutes working the leg. Ever notice that Triple H looks like the dad from "Grounded For Life"? Especially the goofy look he has on his face as he makes a comical attempt at an Indian Deathlock. He then does a sickle hold ala Keiji Mutoh which looks a bit better...apparently someone got their tape of Superclash.
First awkward spot of the match sees Benoit attempt to backdrop H over the top rope (!) but instead both guys kinda flop over. H gets posted and Benoit takes over, remembering to sell the leg. Ross keeps mentioning the left knee but that looks like his right leg to me. Benoit hits a single-arm DDT and that's twice we've seen that move. That move rules. Now Benoit starts working the shoulder, because his finisher is a CrossFACE, you see. Hammerlock backdrop, followed by a pinfall attempt. Ok.
Northern lights suplex gets 2. Ross mentions a "chink in the armor" and Jery asks "hey, did you say CHINK?". Ah, Memphis. As much as people put H down, he's willing to sell for smaller guys...which is more than I could say for someone like the Undertaker. Sure H puts himself over, but then again...how do you think Flair got nearly 20 World Title reigns? I digress- outside the ring, Helmsley (remember his full name?) takes over by whipping Benoit headfirst into the steel steps. Benoit reverses a charge and pancakes him on the announce table. HUGE snap suplex gets 2. The number one doesn't exist in WWF reality. Benoit calls spots- I mean locks on an armbar that...isn't good. H tries to punch his way out, but Benoit hits an armdrag then CODE RED~! That goes nowhere so we get a second, sloppier hammerlock suplex. Benoit calls for the headbutt and the crowd boos.
Headbutt hits but H reverses into a small package for- yup, 2. H dusts off the reverse suplex and Lawler actually calls it. Obligatory WWF 10-count spot. I'm distracted by an inexplicable "Target SUCKS" sign, as H hits the high knee and a reverse neckbreaker. Near fall for you know how many. Whip reversal spot leads to a top-rope superplex (!!!) from Triple H. Almost impressive is Lawler calling it. H covers and gets 2. Benoit takes over and hits the multiple germans, but H muscles out only to get a DRAGON suplex. H gets a foot on the rope to break up the count. A second dragon suplex only gets two. Huh?
H hits the jawjacker, but Benoit gets the Crossface. Kinda. H starts to power out, but Benoit slaps it back on and leans back. H back to his feet, and there it is ladies and gentleman, the world famous Triple H Death Valley Driver. Better than the Godfather's, I'll give him that. Out bounces Stephanie, who slaps Benoit. Benoit staggers into a Pedigree attempt. All Japan finisher sequence follows, culminating in a low-blow by H. H takes advantage as Benoit tends to his junk, and hits the Pedigree. 3 count, and we get a shot of...Stephanie's chest. Which was big before enhancement. And yet not that appealing. H wins, thus proving...something.
This match wasn't as good as I remembered, but definitely one of the best Triple H has been in. Announcers try to put over Benoit (the heel), because H (the face) had help. Ok, makes sense. Sure.
An ad for Survivor Series 2000, featuring a crosshairs design that DEEPLY OFFENDS ME AND MAKES ME WANNA CRY. Brought to you by Warriors of Might and Magic. Which sucked. Backstage, Edge and Christian drink champagne with Chris Daniels and someone else who I can't recognize under the hood. Oh, I see...they got Coronas for the Indy Conquistadores. Because, you see...they're MEXICAN. Latin Americans. Aha. Edge says "viva la Esse Rios" and I'm reminded...Esse Rios sucked and I never understood how he stayed with the company so long.
Ross references "All My Children" in regards to the Angle/Rocky feud. Uhmmm ok. Angle still had hair at this point. This was the beginning of the Angle/H feud over Stephanie that had...no resolution. Clip of Steph announcing she would "permanently" be in Angle's corner. Hahahah yeah right. Awww, Rocky's emotionally distraught. Damn the man. This feud was equally as hot as the H/Benoit feud...mainly because this was before Vince totally annihilated Angle's heat by having him NEVER win clean and turn twenty times since. See also: Jericho, Chris.
Fink announces the match as No-DQ, surprising the announcers and giving away the ending. Interference, anyone? Rocky comes out with the strap and poses for lik ten minutes. Steph distracts Rocky, and Angle attacks from behind. Crappy punches send Rock out, and Angle follows with some weak brawling. Pussy-ass chairshots on the Rock, Angle tosses him back in.
One day, far in the future, someone in the WWF will finally realize...you CAN'T IRISH WHIP THE ROCK. Crappy clothesline, samoan drop. Rocky covers for guess what- 2. Angle tries to flee, but Rock follows with another comical attempt at a clothesline. Angle's a really good wrestler, so of course let's book the first half of the match as crappy out of the ring brawling. Rocky tosses Angle through the flimsy plastic No Mercy set. Angle reverses a whip and launches Rock into some boxes. A stage light accidentally falls on Rocky and he has no choice but to sell it.
Angle takes it back into the ring, and slaps on the Olympic Greco-Roman stomps. Angle nearly kills himself on a missed turnbuckle charge, but it's hard to see as we get a shot of Triple H watching from his suite. Rock starts to work over Angle's leg, posting him then using a steel chair. Oh, what bravery! MY HERO. Rock busts out the half-assed Dragon Screw and then the Sharpshooter, but Stephanie distracts as Angle taps. Rock takes exception and gives chase, eventually running into an overhead suplex by Angle.
The announcers imply that Kurt is boning Steph, and I feel that much worse for him. Rock tries to Hulk up, but Angle hits a flying cross-chop (?) that gets...2. Side headlock demonstrates Kurt's AMAZING mat wrestling ability. Rock Hulks out, and Angle flies headfirst over the top rope. Always willing to die for no apparent reason, that's Kurt. Brawling outside the ring is loose and...well, kinda crappy. Rock sprays Angle with WATER and Angle sells it like it was poison mist or something. Rock gets posted and Stephanie puts the title in the ring.
Belt shot attempt blocked once, but the second one connects...for two. C'mon whaddya expect? It's the Rock. One time he no-sold a double bell shot from Edge and Christian. Rock gets a second-rope suplex that starts the obligatory WWF ten count spot. Both men up, Angle reverses an irish whip into a german suplex. Nice. Up top for the Hollykiller Moonsault, but Rock's not gonna DARE try and take that.
Yet another 10 count. Is that kid in the front row on a CELL PHONE? Crazy. Rock whips out the kooky floatover DDT, which he doesn't do anymore. Wonder why. Loose-as hell belly-to belly, spinebuster (remember the week they tried to call it the "Piebuster"?), but Steph interrupts the elbow. So, being the virtuous baby face he is, Rock gives her the Rockbottom. And cops a feel as he gets up. I bet his wife LOVES his job. Eh. Like she cares. She wipes her ass with fifty dollar bills.
Elbow pad comes off, but Kurt interrupts Rocky's heroic attempt to assault an unconscious woman. Triple H tosses Angle outside, then gives Rock a Pedigree. Uhm...ok. H drags Stephie's lumpy carcass away, and both men are down. Angle tries to cover, but only gets two. It's the Rock, ya see. Spike DDT on Angle gets a really close two count.
Angle tries to bail again, but Rocky tosses him back in. Great heel spot as Angle repeatedly tries to leave the ring, but Rock keeps retrieving him. Out waddles Rikishi, complete with oversized head bandage. Guess McMahon was wrong about them Samoans, after all. Angle attacks Rikishi (whaaa?), and 'Kishi throws him back in. Rockbottom on Angle, but both men are down. Late cover only gets two. Rikishi saunters in to give Angle the ASS SMASH, but Rock staggers into harms way and both men get the BUTT BUMP. Devastating. The Bad Man tries a big fat superkick on Angle, but Angle ducks and Rock takes it. Man, being so fat must screw up your ability to aim or something.
Rikishi tries AGAIN, but Angle counters with the Olympic Slam, sending Rikishi out. He then gives Rock the Angle Slam (a -dangerous- one, at that) and covers for three! The crowd pops (haha) and Angle celebrates as his ill-fated first World Title run begins. Rock does a weak-ass blade job, then talks smack to the fallen and allegedly severly injured Rikishi. Replays, then Kurt weeps openly over the World title. He must have read the booking sheets for the next couple months or something.
The final verdict: this show is as much fun as any old WWF PPV. You watch, you laugh at the crap, you're amazed by the random glimmers of workrate resting at the bottom of the murky abyss that is McMahon's little pond. Rent it if you're bored. Yo. Thanks for reading~!
Shine on, you crazy diamonds.