Hey, I'm back with Wrestlefest '94. You know the deal, it's a Coliseum
Video with a collection of matches between random WWF Superstars. You
wouldn't see feuds settled or titles change hands but it was the rare
chance to see non-squash matches back in the day.
A King of the Ring home video ad shows a WWF fan being abused to
emphasize how tough winning the tournament is.
Ad for a Bret Hart Coliseum video.
Ugh, Todd Pettingill introduces the video, wearing a green and blue
striped shirt and white and blue striped pants. Todd shills some of the
prizes that come with renting the video, like a poster, or a Yokozuna "Do
No Disturb" doorknob hanger, or POGZ. If you rented the video and didn't
get a gift, aren't you already screwed?
Randy Savage (standing in front of a wardrobe that would make Elton John
shake his head) promises to give us fashion tips. The camera cuts away
while Savage is still rambling.
Randy "Macho Man" Savage vs. Rick "The Model" Martel: Gorilla Monsoon and
Stan Lane are your hosts. Gorilla goofs by calling Savage a 2 time IC
champ. Armdrag by Savage to start, and Martel complains to the ref about a
hair pull. Martel slaps Savage and bails to the outside. Savage chases
Martel outside, and the Model gets back in the ring, then bails out again.
Finally Martel lays the boots into Savage as he chases the Model back into
the ring. Savage comes back with some punches and clotheslines the Model
outside the ring. Savage looks to be bleeding under his left eye. Martel
tries to work on the eye but Savage clamps on a long side headlock. Martel
breaks free but gets caught with a backslide for 2 and gets clotheslined
out of the ring again. The Model comes back with a sucker punch and Savage
takes a big bump getting tossed to the floor. Martel controls for a few
minutes with a camel clutch. Savage manages to sneak in a sunset flip and
small package for 2 counts. Martel puts his head down for a back bodydrop
and gets kicked for his troubles, then knocked outside again. Savage nails
the double axehandle off the top to the floor. Back in the ring, Martel
tries a corner charge, but Savage dodges and the Model crashes into the
steel ringpost. Slam and big elbow finishes at 9:20. No great, but far
from offensive. Just there, ya know?
Savage mocks the fashion sense of Irwin R. Shyster.
1-2-3 Kid and Marty Jannetty [c] vs. Headshrinkers [w/Afa] (Tag Title
Match): The Kid is of course X-Pac, and Fatu is known today as Rikishi.
And Bill Alphonso is the referee. This is weird, since Jannetty and the
Kid won the belts on 1/10/94 from the Quebecers and lost them to the same
team a week later, so we can pinpoint when this match was taped. Jannetty
actually manages to stymie Fatu with his speed, sending him outside with a
dropkick that barely makes contact. The Kid gets tagged in and gets mauled
by Fatu until he turns a flapjack into a dropkick in mid-air, followed by a
springboard plancha to the outside. Jannetty gets tagged back in and gets
caught with a clothesline and manages to work in the somersault sell. The
'Shrinkers go on the offensive with their headbutt-riffic offense. Lane
notes that Fatu has a bigger ass than Samu (only not in so many words).
Jannetty tries a sunset flip, but Fatu blocks and tries a punch that Marty
dodges. Jannetty manages the hot tag, and the Kid kicks Samu a lot and
knocks him outside with a flying headscissors. A double dropkick does the
same to Fatu. Jannetty heads up top and hits a plancha on Samu to the
floor. While the ref is distracted, Afa comes in and hits the Kid with a
Samoan drop, and Samu covers...for 3 (10:16)? Oops, here comes another ref
to DQ the Headshrinkers for the Dusty finish. Hey, it's a Coliseum video,
what do you want? Match was there.
Men on a Mission come to the ring to rap. Hey, I can make out 60% of
what Oscar says! And...that's it? Well, at least they didn't wrestle a
Randy Savage says that black is a good look for the Undertaker. Then he
falls asleep. I'm not even kidding.
The Undertaker [w/Paul Bearer] vs. Adam Bomb [w/Johnny Polo]: We all know
Adam Bomb as Bryan Clarke of Kronik, and Johnny Polo as Raven. I forgot he
ever managed Bomb. Anyhoo, Bomb jumps 'Taker before the bell and punches
and chokes a lot. He dumps Taker to the outside and rams him into the
steel post. Back in the ring, Taker starts to fire back with punches.
Bomb rams his head into the buckle, but Taker no sells. Bomb kicks Taker
in the head when he tries a back bodydrop, but Taker no sells that too.
Undertaker ducks a clothesline and hits a chokeslam for the win (2:41).
Hey, at least it was quick. Polo tried to break up the pin and failed, and
eats a chokeslam for his troubles.
Savage accuses Jeff Jarrett of stealing his look.
The Steiner Brothers vs. The Hart Brothers: I already covered this match
in the Single File. You can find that link here:
Needless to say, it rules the planet, and is probably one of the best WWF
Tag matches of the 90's. It's well worth the price of admission by itself.
Savage dismisses Yokozuna as a big man in a diaper.
Yokozuna [c] [w/Mr. Fuji] vs. Curt "Mr. Perfect" Hennig (WWF Title
Match): Who thought this one up? And while we're on the subject, what
happened to Perfect's last name? For years I pronounced and spelled it
"Henning," but now I noticed it's Hennig. Did I miss a memo? Anyway, Yoko
tries to attack, but Perfect dodges and manages to knock Yoko to the floor
with a dropkick. Yoko's so dazed he walks into the steel post for comedic
effect. Yoko stalls for about 8 years on the floor. Back in the ring,
Curt misses a dropkick and Yoko takes over with his usual offense (which
Curt sells like a king). The big guy uses the nervehold, of course. Yoko
tries a corner avalanche, but Curt dodges and lays in some punches,
eventually knocking the champ off his feet with a middle rope clothesline.
But alas, Fuji distracts Curt long enough to allow Yoko to squash Mr. P
with an avalanche. Banzai drop finishes at 7:48. Thanks to Curt's
selling, that was probably the best Yokozuna match I've ever seen, but Lord
knows that ain't saying much.
Savage mumbles something about Bam Bam Bigelow and flames.
Shawn Michaels [c] [w/Diesel] vs. Razor Ramon (IC Title Match): This
match must be from the summer of '93, since Shawn's the champ and has
Diesel as a bodyguard, and Razor is a face. Razor tosses the toothpick at
Shawn, so Shawn picks it up and breaks it in two. Funny stuff. Shawn
outmaneuvers Razor to start, but tries a sunset flip and gets punched in
the face. Razor clotheslines Shawn outside the ring and goes after him,
but stops when Shawn hides behind Diesel. Shawn gets back in the ring and
takes a huge bump as Razor slingshots him over the top rope to the floor.
Shawn manages to avoid a Razor charge and hits a top rope clothesline that
sends Razor to the floor. Diesel moves in to attack, but gets cut off by
the ref, which in turn allows Shawn to pearl harbor Ramon on the floor.
Back in the ring, Shawn works the back and slaps on a chinlock. Ramon
manages to block a hiptoss and hits a chokeslam! He covers and gets a long
two. Razor follows with some more punches, and whips Shawn into the
turnbuckles, and Michaels does a Flair Flop to the Floor. He and Diesel
decide to retreat to the back, until the ref tells Mike McGuirk to announce
that unless Shawn gets back in the ring, he'll be stripped of his title.
Shawn still protests, so Razor comes out and throws the champ back in the
ring. Razor hits a big back bodydrop for 2. Razor goes for the backdrop
superplex, but Shawn elbows out and tries a crossbody, but Razor rolls
through for another 2 count. Shawn tries another crossbody, but gets
caught and nailed with a fallaway slam. Razor covers for 3, but a second
ref points out that Shawn had his foot on the ropes. So the match
restarts, and Shawn hits a quick superkick (not his finisher yet) for 2.
But Michaels puts his head down for a back bodydrop, and Razor hits the
Razor's Edge. He goes for a cover, but Diesel pulls Shawn out for the weak
DQ at 13:06. Diesel and Shawn try to beat down Razor after the match, but
Ramon turns the tides and leaves the pair laying after nailing them with
the IC belt. Monsoon says that Razor has "literally stolen the hearts of
the crowd," Eww, I hope not. Match was very good, but these two would
have far greater ones once they added a ladder.
Time for a special Coliseum Home Video edition of the King's Court.
Jerry Lawler tells us that his special guest is Bret Hart, but he made the
Hitman sign a contract that states there will be no physical altercation.
Lawler then rips into the Hart family ("Helen Hart is so old she has an
autographed copy of the Bible.") and details how Owen is vastly superior to
Bret. Bret comes out as Lawler eggs him on some more. Bret mumbles
something about a promise he made a long time ago and beats the shit out of
Lawler. The King heads for the hills as Hart tries on the crown.
Entertaining, if nonsensical, segment.
Bret "Hitman" Hart vs. Diesel [w/Shawn Michaels]: Yes, Gorilla Monsoon
and Johnny Polo are commentating ("Hey Gorilla, I heard you went to college
for two terms-Truman and Roosevelt.")! These two met for the WWF Title 4
times on PPV, but this could be their first meeting. Big Daddy Cool is
nothing at this point. Diesel methodically mauls Bret to start, but misses
a corner charge and rams his knee on the turnbuckle. Bret goes to work on
the knee, which Diesel actually bothers to sell. Bret slaps on a spinning
toe hold, and Polo references Terry Funk, who he would lose the ECW World
Title to 3 years later. Bret rams Diesel's leg into the post, and I guess
Shawn nails Bret outside the ring, 'cause the Hitman is suddenly lying on
the floor. Oops, Shawn beats up Bret again, and this time the camera
catches it. Diesel hits the side slam for 2. Bearhug give us a rest. The
commentary is hilarious as Polo stresses he could beat the Hitman in
anything. More pummeling from Diesel, until Bret slips out of the Snake
Eyes and makes the comeback. Bret hits a couple moves of doom and tries a
Sharpshooter that gets blocked. He goes for a figure four, but Shawn's on
the apron. Shawn grabs Bret and Diesel tries a big boot, but nails Shawn
in the mush. Bret locks on the Sharpshooter, but the ref is tied up with
Shawn. Owen Hart runs in and nails Bret, and Diesel gets the three count
(10:39)! Holy crap! Match was pretty decent, and I'm still shocked at the
ending. Wait a sec...Shawn had the IC title around his waist and Diesel as
his bodyguard, which places this match around the summer of '93. But Bret
and Owen didn't start feuding til 1994-am I missing something?
Savage encourages Bret to try more colors, then wraps up the tape by
going on a bizarre tangent about a magic carpet. What a weirdo.
Synopsis: Worth it for Harts/Steiners alone, but this is actually a really
solid Coliseum tape. The last two matches are quite good, and nothing is
outright junk. There's some silly WWF skits, but you can fast forward
through them. You can try to hunt it down in the used bin of your local
video store or maybe Ebay.
Time for me to exit, Terminator X-it. Check out thecubsfan.com in the
meantime for post-collegiate fun.
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