And you thought I forgot to do this? Ha! Actually, it's a long, involved story consisting of a paternal heart attack and a myself-ernal flu. Anywho, I'm back, and I've been told that there was a hell of a Raw Monday night. I'm told this because I slept through it.
FIRST TOPIC-WHAT I THOUGHT OF THE FIRST NON-VINCE RAW
Well, it's actually the 2nd non-Vince Raw if you remember Vince saying that the Raw where the split was announced would be his last appearance on said show. Speaking of which, number of Raws since Vince McMahon said he would never be on Raw again: 2. Number of Raws since Vince McMahon said he would never be on Raw again that Vince McMahon was on: 2. That's not good. But, back to the show. EDDIE GUERRERO (maybe if I capitalize it, CRZ will colorize it) is back! That's definitely a good thing. Having him feud with RVD is definitely a good thing. Now, let's hope they figure out how the hell they're gonna deal with Backlash in time to book this match! X-PAC NEVER JOBS IN SINGLES MATCHES (ACORDING TO CRZ and KANE NEVER JOBS IN TAG MATCHES (ACCORDING TO ME) in the main event? That's weird. Weird but sorta good if you're Kane. For the first time in a long time, Kane is the 2nd biggest established star on a show. Rob Van Dam should also be happy with the split. Now he's the #3 guy. And, he's got the most prestigious title that's only on that show. Also, TRIPPA LAYCH should be quite pleased with himself, because THE BOSS (SORT OF) gave him a spiffy new belt. That thing looks sweet! And SOME CRYBABY WUSS FROM TEXAS has got to be happy because he's on TV again, and he gets to feud with the boss again, and I really somewhere deep in my gut hope they can find a way to turn RVD heel just so he can kick the Rattlesnake's ass, thus firmly establishing the Intercontinental Championship as a very nice thing to own indeed.
NEXT TOPIC-FIRST NON-FLAIR SMACKDOWN (IN ABOUT 5 MONTHS)
HOLLYWOOD HULK HOGAN JUST THREW UP ON HIS PATS is the #1 contender? Oh, no! But, people actually remembered that Tripps is a no-good, lying sumbitch who hits people in the head with sledgehammers with great regularity. It just took him running down Hulk Hogan to get it done. Also, there is a new first commandment for all people who cut promos about or with Hulk Hogan. (cue the yellow please) THOU SHALT SAY "BROTHER." And, of course, Tripps said "Brother." Oh, brother. Oh, no! I'm saying it. Quickly, next topic!
NEXT TOPIC-NOTABLE STATS PART WHATEVER COLUMN NUMBER THIS IS (THREE) THANK YOU
Not many new stats this week, except for the new arrivals of many singles people who had not yet had matches. Plus, for the second time in his career, BILLY IS HE A KID OR A MAN does absolutely nothing for a few months, then comes back and wins the Cruiserweight Title. That's saying something about his potential as a Cruiserweight Champion. Also, officially, Rob Van Dam rules the roost when it comes to singles matches. He's 4-1-0, all in title bouts, and his one loss was that controversial "who did TIM WHITE REALLY IS BLIND disqualify?" debacle. Remember, I argued (and still do) that White DQ'd RVD for kicking him in the chest, because he didn't really notice USED TO BE KING NOW HE JUST SUCKS KURT ANGLE (WHAT?) pushing him. Everybody else (including the other stat guy) has Kurt getting DQ'd. Maybe I'll break down and give RVD the duke. In fact, I shall. Now Rob Van Dam is 5-0-0, being the only WWF Superstar to have multiple wins and no losses or draws. William Regal is also undefeated, but he's 2-0-1, because of the Euro Title match with Rikishi where HOLY SHIT BROCK LESNAR IS HUGE interfered. BTW, BILLY & CHUCK WILL NEVER COME OUT SO THE ANGLE WILL EVANTUALLY BECOME LONG, BORING AND STUPID are still undefeated, RICO WON'T COME OUT EITHER has a hell of a spinning heel kick, and I DON'T KNOW WHY EVERYBODY BEMOANS THE LOSS OF THE DUDLEY BOYZ BECAUSE THEY SUCK still suck. Props to BUBBA DOESN'T SUCK AS MUCH AS D-VON for winning the hardcore title. D-VON SUCKS WORSE THAN BUBBA should sneak up on him while he's shopping or something and bring the title to SmackDown, then beat the shit out of MAVEN'S DROPKICK IS WORSE THAN HARDCORE HOLLY'S for losing it in the first place.
NEXT TOPIC-NEXT COLUMN
I get to comment on the new Raw set! Plus, the new Raw logo is not a slanted rectangle, as some whose names I have forgotten would call it, it is a parallelogram. Two pairs of parallel sides. No advanced geometrical terms next time, I promise.