FIRST TOPIC- ELECTRONIC FEDERATIONS

I don't know if any of you out there in [slash]-land have ever been invited to join an elctronic federation, commonly known as an e-fed. To me, they are a relatively new thing. I'm sure that there have probably been things like it since there have been things like the Internet, but up until just recently, I had not been exposed to them. Basically, you pick a wrestler that you want to be, and then you petition the people who run the "show" to get pushes, title shots, et cetera. It's kind of like WCW in its dying years. In the past four days, I have received six e-mails from six different e-feds, asking me to join. Let me tell you about one of them. As with most of the e-mail I find myself getting these days, this one had a lengthy list of people that it was also sent to, so I am sure that it was not targeted specifically towards anyone. It was more directed at anyone within earshot who would listen. I decided to listen. I went to their website, noticing that it had very obviously been set up quite recently, and remarked to myself that it would probably be gone by the end of the month. On this page, I could see six images. Three of these were the old WWF Championship belt, along with the IC and Euro straps. These were probably taken from some other site, as they did not appear similar to the images on wwfsuperstars.com. What did appear slightly familar, however, was the huge WWF.com logo that appeared at the top of my screen. There were also two graphics serving as titles for the two sections of links, one for members and one for (gasp) non-members. Being a non-member, I decided to click on 'Rules' to see what this was all about. It laid out the ground rules, pretty much as I explained above. After a brief moment's hesitation, I ventured to the link entitled 'Join Now.' This click did not result in an instant e-mail hookup, rather it took me to another site, plain text only of course. This instructed me to copy the e-mail address, open the e-mail myself and place it in the field marked 'Deliver To.' It also told me to send these fine people my name, e-mail address and choice of wrestler. I could choose anyone currently under contract to the World Wrestling Federation. Also asked for were a finisher, a manager, face/heel orientation, and an RP. I still don't know what an RP is, and I don't want to find out. After thinking it through, I said to myself, "Self, this looks incredibly stupid, as it involves more policking than actual wrestling skill. Why, with a couple of right moves I could have Jeff Hardy holding all three titles. That's almost as bad as David Arquette." The whole idea of this sent a chill down my spine, all the way to my vestigial tail. So, if any of you fine people have input on your own e-fed horror stories, drop me aline and I'll try to include you in the next column, with an absolute 100% guarantee of an actual in-person e-mail reply. Unless you send me death threats or a bad computer virus, in which case I will notify the authorities or laugh at your stupidity of not knowing that Macs can't get viruses like PCs, whichever is appropriate.

NEXT TOPIC- THE WEEK IN WWF

Well, well it's a heel turn. And a nicely orchestrated one at that. Big Show as an nWo member definitely makes the nWo look like a much more credible force than just Razor Ramon and the 1-2-3 Kid. Also, now CRZ will never again (at least for a while) be able to call him BIG SHOW HAD NOTHING BETTER TO DO TONIGHT. Not that he would, anyway, because he's abandoned humorous nicknames in favor of giving us cities of origin and actual weight. Although, it is good to know that Scotty II Hotty's from westbrook, Maine. That makes him a fellow New Englander, and he lives really far away from me! Oh, right, RAW. The WWF has really painted themselves into a corner with the UT-HHH feud. I really don't see a good way out of this for our friends in Stamford. Hey, they're in New England too! What I would actually do is have Flair say that if either man shows up on the other one's show until the title match at Judgment Day (which is now a Fatal Four-Way with HHH, UT, Hollywood Hulk Hasbeen and the Ayatollah himself), they are suspended for six months, sans pay. Speaking of Mr. Rock-&-Rolla, I'd love to see him beat Hogan, but he's not going to do it for many reasons. One, he's going against Hogan! I don't care if everybody says he's cool and not politicking anymore, but Hulk Hogan will never, eeeever job to Chris Jericho. Never. Two, Hogan's only had the title for two weeks! And three, it doesn't make sense for Y2J to be on both shows. Hogan can beat up the Deadman for Tripps on RAW, and Jericho can beat up Trippa Laych for Mean Mark on SmackDown!. But with nobody being available to beat up the Undertaker, he's just gonna sit there and do nothing for two weeks. That's not right!

NEXT TOPIC- NOTABLE STATS

RVD's the only guy to have more than 5 title matches since WrestleMania. He is 5-1-0 in his six bouts. William Regal is the only man besides Mr. Dam that has more than 5 matches, period. He's 2-2-2, including 2-1-1 in title matches. I have not yet included stats for Heat, but it is very good to see D'Lo Brown make his return. I'm sorry, though, that they didn't have him come out on RAw and say that he pioneered the Frog Splash so that it wouldn't just be RVD-Eddie one more time at JD. Oh, well. By the way, not including Heat, there have been 18 consecutive tag teams to have their first match, and not one of them has had a second. What I mean is, at the bottom of my tag team spreadsheet there are 18 consecutive tag teams with one match. Those teams are (yes I really am going to list all 18):

The Undertaker, Scott Hall and X-Pac
Stone Cold Steve Austin and Bradshaw
Chris Jericho and Kurt Angle
Hollywood Hulk Hogan and Triple H
Tajiri and Chavo Guerrero, Junior
The Hurricane and Billy Kidman
Billy, Chuck and Albert
Rikishi, Maven and Al Snow
Maven and Al Snow
Trish Stratus and Jacqueline
Jazz and Molly Holly
Bubba Ray Dudley and Spike Dudley
Scott Hall and X-Pac
Stone Cold Steve Austin and The Big Show
Maven, Al Snow and Billy Kidman
Tajiri, Billy and Chuck
Rikishi and Edge
Albert and Kurt Angle

That's all 18 of them. Hopefully this will go on for a while so that I can make a running gag out of it like Our So Called Sport does with the days until Test can be fired (215 at last check).

LAST TOPIC- RED SOX, CELTICS AND BRUINS

Derek Lowe threw a no-hitter. That's a good thing. The Red Sox are still in the lead of the AL East, 1 full game ahead of the Bronx Bongers (not a typo). The Celtics are ahead of the 76ers 2 games to 1 on their series, with the C's needing just one more win to move on the Conference semi's. Kyle McLaren's hit was disgusting and I am appalled by his lenient sentence. I am more appalled, however, by the fact that the Bruins can't even beat the number 8 seed. Down 3 to 2, we need to win the next two to advance.

I am done, finished, kaput, and out of synonyms for having exaserbated the contents of my brain. So I leave you with this,

"Exaserbated" is a funny word. (Especially when you can't spell it! - CRZ)