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Hey, hey! I finally got around to writing another column! What is it, the anniversary? Oh, it is. Cool. Anywho, a sh*tload of stuff happened, including me dropping the stupid headline things and just spewing random stuff at you from out of nowhere and hoping you enjoy it and/or don't hunt me down and destroy me because of it. Before I start, let me elongate this opener by stating that Safer Sephiroth is the boss from Hell. Those who know what I speak of, feel my pain. Those who don't skip to the next paragraph where I speak of this stuff that we call WWE.

Austin walked. From what little I know of law, that's breach of contract and Austin can easily be sued and/or fired. But Vince won't fire Austin because he's afraid that somehow he singlehandedly is going to take the NWA and make it something that I almost want to pay 10 bucks to watch. I'm sorry, but nothing short of WrestleMania (with a good card) would make me pay $40 bucks. The Jarretts desperately need to work out a non-PPV TV deal if they want this thing to have any chance whatsoever. Also, the promotion itself (from what I've read of CRZ's fine recaps) seems to, well, suck. Any promotion that has Ken Shamrock as its World Champion has just a few things wrong with it. Also, the TNA thing is just so stupid and if you believe that large quantities of people will pay $10 to see a crapload of T&A (oh, sorry, TNA)...hold on. Scantily clad women...outrageous prices...shirtless, sweaty men...holy crap! Jerry Jarrett is running a softcore porn ring! Alert the media! (But you are the media, sort of.) Who let CRZ's guy that torments him throughout his fine recaps (2nd shameless plug) into my not-so-fine opinionated ranting? Eh, screw it. Maybe if I get back to Austin he'll leave me alone. (Nope.) Oh, shut up.

Austin walked. Then Austin hit Debra. Then Austin ran. Go read Evocator Manes's paper "In Defense of Austin." (3 shameless plugs) It is a very fine piece of literature deserving of high praise. It was added on June 26. I understand where he's coming from and it's hard to come out against that with pure fact unless you know the man, which I don't. That being said, I somehow don't think that's what happened. In a nutshell, Steve got pissed, Steve got out, Steve got drunk, Debra got hit, Steve got out (again). Hey, that's what Evocator says happened. Holy sh*t, he's right!

Speaking of holy sh*t, (gotta love the seamless segue) what in the hell was the person who's booking RAW thinking when he gave Jeff Hardy the OK to have a ladder match with the Undertaker? Maybe they were thinking the same thing that Tanya was thinking in that there could be a run-in or the use of a chair to get Jeff DQ'd? Well, that's obviously not going to happen, because as CRZ pointed out in his fine interruption of an also-fine opion article by Tanya (4th shameless plug), IT"S A LADDER MATCH. No DQ's. Thus, the possibility of what is going to happen. As per all title matches that I care about, I ran this through my very own personal match simulators (No Mercy and SmackDown! 2) and came out with similar results. Jeff wins in under 10 minutes after a swanton (No Mercy has him doing it from the top rope, while SmackDown! lets him use the ladder) and a quick scurry up the ladder. Here's what I'd do. Taker's gonna win the match (let's hope he's not too old to climb) when Brock Lesnar runs out to the ring. He knocks down the ladder, F5's (God, I hate that name) Taker, resets the ladder, climbs up, takes the belt, and gives it to Jeff. (I think that the rules of the match only say you have to get the belt. You could use a cherry picker and it would stil be good.) Brock later reveals that he just wanted his match at SummerSlam to be all the easier, and he goes on to destroy all challengers for Jeff's belt until the PPV, then kills Jeff just in time for the really huge angle that I'm gonna talk about in the next paragraph to start.

Still gotta love seamless segues. Allright, we've seen some stuff with Booker T, Goldust and The Rock, right? And we've seen some stuff with tripps and the nWo, right? Well, let's feud 'em! Here's how I'd have it go down. Rock and Booker T have a chat backstage about how Booker T has gone back to using the Book End. T explains by saying that it's quick and it's much more effective than that kick thing. Rock says it's cool, and Book can keep on using the Book End. Goldust asks if he can use it too, and they both say no. T then proceeds to declare Goldust a sucka. Rock also asks if The Golden One is inhaling the aroma of his culinary efforts. (Perhaps Rocky's making strudel.) Shut up. Anywho, Rock and Book watch each other's backs (ala Benoit/Jericho) and evantually become almost like a team. Goldust does stuff too. While this is going on, the nWo is being a constant thorn in the sides of Book & Dust, while Trippa Laych himself (freshly back from having his arm put together) is being a not fun person for Mr. Kavana to be with. They have matches and stuff at the September PPV (can't remember for the life of me) and No Mercy, but nothing really gets settled, mostly thanks to interference and crap finishes. This culminates in a 5-on-5 Survivor Series match at (shock of shocks) Survivor Series. Rock, Booker T, Goldust and two, yes two, mystery partners against the whole nWo (Michaels and Nash included) plus Triple H. Who, you ask, are the mystery partners? That's the thing. Nobody knows. Not even me. (Well, OK, I know.) Not even CRZ, who by the way writes fine recaps (You thought I forgot to shamelessly plug, didn't you?) After the nWo, Tripps and their first 3 opponents come out, there's an uneasy stall. JR wonders who it could be. The King wonders who it could be. The crowd is chanting "Ausberg." (Who's Ausberg?) He's Austin and Goldberg put together, idiot. Internet writers (except the fine ones who write for [slash] wrestling) are sitting at home are screaming at the tippity-top of their lungs "PLEASE, GOD! ANYONE BUT THAT NO-TALENT JERK CHRIS JERIBLOW!" because they're bitter sh*theads. The Tron cuts to the back where Seargeant Slaughter knocks on a door. The first partner is Goldberg. He makes his way down to the ring but does not get in. Nobody moves as the 2nd mystery partner is about to come out. I have someone in my head, but if you can e-mail me telling me why it should be someone else (please, decent reasons) I may reconsider. With that, good readers, I leave you.

Oh, come on! You didn't actually think I was gonna let you go without finishing up, did you? Fine. I shall finish my column a bit early.

The Yankees suck. Be sure to send those e-mails.


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