MOTHERF***ING BURNING HAMMER!!!
The J-Mann's weekly puro wrestling report
Back so soon? Yeah, that's right. I was reading over my most recent column, and read through some of the other CRZ tributes out there, and, quite frankly, mine sucked. I'd like to have a bit of a do-over, so this will be an entire column devoted to CRZ and how he's helped me into being a (somewhat) respected columnist. I'll be back in a week or two with a tape review or two, depending on how much time they take...Or, I may get bored and write something up, just because I know Zim'll post it, because he likes me (ha!). I have one All Japan tape (the 6/11/99 Budokan show), and the IWA King of the Death Match Tournament from 1995, in which COMMISSIONER FOLEY dominated.
ORACLES UPDATE: If I may steal from the Black Plague, I'll do a little "observer update" on the Oracles. Heading into the OWF's Detonation, I'm 0-3, but I've averaged a match rating of *** 1/2...which is pretty spiffy. I've got a match this Saturday at XPlosion with The Higher Power himself, Eric Szulczewski of The Shooters (www.theshooters.net). It'll be fun to job!
RECOGNITION UPDATE: Thanks to Tanvir Raquib and Butch Rosser for mentioning me in their most recent columns. That's two (count 'em), TWO Oracles talking about me...plus, if you count Pat Barker (who's mentioned me in previous columns), that's a whole THREE. Wow. I'm popular. Of course, more thanks goes to Tan than the Butchster because Butch called me a jobber. I can't think of a good insult for you, Butch, so, I'll have to be unoriginal and say: YOU SUCK, YOU, YOU....TRISH MARK, YOU! I personally mark out for Steffie-Baby (which may garner some attention from JetMet), but Trish and her shiny breasts are always good eye candy.
Enough about me! Let's talk about CRZ! (and me)
The year was 1999. The month...November. The date...I can't recall. I had recently read Bret Hart's weekly newspaper column, and it had me pissed off. The reason, I can't quite remember. You can check it out for yourself (http://www.crz.net/wrestling/guests/haggard.html) and try to analyze it. I tried to do something innovative (per request of CRZ at his "Join The Crew" page), and failed miserably. Remember the music playing gimmick? No? Well, here goes:
("Boys In The Hood" by Dynamite Hack is playing...nifty!)
And so, I'd ramble on about Bret's comments towards Vince McMahon until the music changed. Then, I'd go like this:
("Anesthesia" by Bad Religion is playing...muy bueno.)
TOTAL FEEDBACK FOR "It Doesn't MATTER What I Think!": 0.
I must admit, it got annoying REAL QUICK. In retrospect...Well, not even in retrospect, looking at things NOW, I don't think I've earned the right to be a [slash] Wrestling columnist because I am *admittedly* ANNOYING AS HELL. This would be a perfect time for CRZ to include one of his oh-so witty comments...(looks at watch)...I'm guessing he ignored me, yet again. Oh well, maybe he'll find it in the good of his heart to give this little boy the [slash] for Christmas. Or sooner. I'm hoping for the latter.
ANYWAY, back to the subject at hand. I needed to vent, I did so, and quit doing columns for a while. I wanted to recap Jakked/Metal, but, at the time, the show was already being recapped, so I stuck to an attempt at humor in the infamous Jakked/Metal Preview (http://www.crz.net/wrestling/guests/haggard2.html).
This was a mistake. No one cared about Jakked, anyway, but I wanted to do something that could showcase my humor. I did two of those (the second one being located here (http://www.crz.net/wrestling/guests/haggard3.html)), and, once again, vanished from doing columns. I still visited the [slash] regularly, read CRZ's reports, and read some columns, but I didn't think writing was for me.
TOTAL FEEDBACK FROM "Jakked/Metal Previews": 1. I called everyone's favorite group of Japs, Kaientai, "Kaientai DX," which is what they are usually called in Japan, meaning Kaientai Deluxe. I received some feedback from someone who said: "y is dx teeming w/ kaientai?" That's enough to drive someone crazy.
Fast forward to June 1st, 2000. I just got out of school, and I was bored, and needed something to do for the summer. I found a free domain name register-er-thingy called NameZero (http://www.namezero.com). It's a nifty service. I figured, "Hey, since I have a website (http://www.j-mann.com), I might as well put up column archives, multimedia and stuff." I've quit updating the site daily, but it gets a few updates, AKA whenever I damn well feel like it.
Enter Pat Barker. I read his "My Wrestlemania Supercard" column (http://www.crz.net/wrestling/guests/barker2.html), and fired up some feedback. I can't remember the EXACT message, but I did some recommendations for his tape reviews, gave him some praise, and sent it his way.
The response was humorous. The [slash] is fairly well known for not generating a lot of reader feedback (hell, CRZ literally begs readers to send feedback), and I was one of his 10 fans. I was his "new best friend."
We corresponded for a while, just small chit-chat. One night, he asked me if I read Mr. T's stuff on the [slash]. I said, "Sure," which could be called a half-truth. I read Rob's stuff occasionally, but not a whole lot. He asked if I knew what he was talking about when he mentioned the "Oracles." I had no clue. He directed me to a link, detailing the History of the Oracles (now located at: http://www.oracleswar.com/features/oracles.html), and the rest is (sort of) history.
Pat told me to just hang out, introduce myself, and just join some discussions. I did. Nothing happened. No "Hey Josh," no "I like your columns," no nothing. Still, I hung out. Around this time, I started writing the MOTHERF***ING BURNING HAMMER!!! and I actually got some feedback! Wow. All of the feedback was positive, too, be it my (semi-)creative name, or my puro reporting, or whatever, but my popularity was starting to rise just a little bit.
Eventually, I decided to join the Oracles Wrestling Federation, or O-Dub-F, after checking out the great job Pat did with the Anniversary show. It really was a classic, and it's still a lot of fun to read, especially the Iron Man Match. Pat posted the goings-on in the Iron Man Match every 10 minutes, to make it seem like the match was actually going on and he was just recapping it live. It sparked my interest, and I was in: I played a puro-head loser (not too far a stretch, according to Butch and Pat), and it really is quite fun, as I'm just starting to get a push. Yeah, I haven't won a match yet, but I'm putting on good showings. As a wrestler, and not a sports-entertainer, I'm not concerned with winning or losing, but giving good matches. A lot of "boring" chants have come my way, due to my vast array of submission holds and lack of charisma. Actually, as I've been told, my promos are really pretty good. That's always a good thing to hear.
Wow, I just went off on a tangent. It's just important as to how I'm actually starting to be known by the Oracles. Fast Forward (or Rewind) to last night/this morning. I was in the Thread aPa~! chat at Delphi (my first Thread aPa~! chat, BTW), and the people actually knew who I was! I was shocked. After some BS'ing with the guys (and one VERY naughty girl...Berry), I left...Of course, that seems like a short description of a LOOOONG chat. I must've been in there for an hour or two.
So, you're probably asking me, "Josh, what does this have to do with CRZ?" Go ahead, ask yourself, I can wait.
Thank you. CRZ helped start all this. Without CRZ or the [slash], I wouldn't:
So, in closing, to quote the best damn tag team in the WWF, Edge and Christian:
CRZ, you SO...TOTALLY...REEK OF AWESOMENESS. Keep up the good work, here's to another year of [slash] Wrestling.