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Jared Hawkins



The Lost Smackdown Files (Part 2 of 2)

A few days ago, many of you saw my unedited initial rant for WrestleLine (may it rot in the hell it's currently residing in). After that initial rant, they told me I was a finalist and to do one more to see if I got the job. Well, I obviously didn't get it, but here it is, unedited, for your reading pleasure.

Original Rant date: 6/21/2001

WWF Smackdown (6/21/2001) by JHawk


We open with a recap of the Sara Undertaker angle up to Diamond Dallas Page revealing himself as the stalker. Why was he allowed to talk for 10 minutes before security came out to stop him?

Cue the opening, then the pyro, as we are taped 6/19/2001 from the T.D. Waterhouse Centre in Orlando, Florida. Your hosts are Michael Coleslaw and Your God and Mine Paul E. Heyman. Tonight...

Well, that will have to wait, as My Olympic Zero comes out to his face turning into heel pop. He could wrestle three times this Sunday. He did that last year. And he doesn't even have to beat Shane. Yeah, that will impress me. Apparently, people think he's too cocky since he claims to be a superhero. you have X-ray vision? Can you fly? Are you banging Lois Lane? No? Then shut up! He brings up Shaq for cheap heat. Kurt claims the King of the Ring is the grown-ups table, which brings out Edge and Christian. Angle: "In a land of boys, I'm a man who likes beating them. Wait, I mean..." Christian calls Kurt a dork, which leads to several different ways of saying "Dork." Edge : "We didn't make it this far just to face it. We made it there to be there." Edge says he'll beat Kurt if Christian doesn't, which means we've just paid for a five minute argument (tm Monty Python). Waiting for Rhyno's name to be dropped. Angle demands an apology. "See this finger. See this thumb. See this fist. You'd better run." And then The Man Beast Rhyno comes out without his name being dropped. Wow. Rhyno says the three of them will make sure there's no repeat, and a four way brawl erupts. Cue Angle's music even though Rhyno's still standing.

The Undertaker and Sara are outside waiting for DDP. Get the feeling we're setting up a mixed tag.

I've learned a number of things from that opening interview, but I think the most important lesson...Kurt Angle and Michael Jackson have a lot in common. Well, Kurt couldn't satisfy Stephanie in room 814 or whatever it was last year, so we should have seen it coming.

Why is Grand Master Sexay still in the ad for WWF The Music Vol. 5?

Backstage with Screech Powers and Lisa Turtle, and Spike asks Molly to stay backstage during his match. And they kiss. For good luck. Gag me.

The Too Damn Big Show vs. Screech Powers in a no disqualification match

Looks like the return of the Giant Killer gimmick for Spike. Take you back to Monday, where Christian beat Show for his spot in the KOR. And back to last Monday, where Spike got the crap kicked out of him and was thrown through a table.

Tonight, The other two Dudleys get a tag team title shot, as Show throws Spike around like a rag doll early, including a Gorilla press over the top to the floor. Inverted power bomb into the guardrail. Show charges, but Spike moves to save his life. Of course, now Show is ticked and he throws Spike over the top rope and back into the ring. Elbowdrop misses, and Spike saves his life again. Spike is thrown into the corner...AVALANCHE! Choke Slam...nope, Low Blow! Dudley Dog! No cover, and here come The Dudley Boyz...and they 3D Spike. Show hits the Choke Slam for no reason. Ouch! That's it. (3:04) That Spike Dudley is a little bumping machine, but can't the Dudleys just get along? * for the bumps.

Outside, The Undertaker spots a limo, but it's just Mr. Mac-Man! Vince assures DDP won't be there, but Taker, being an idiot, wants him in, and if he's not there, Vince is getting famous.

Stacker 2 commercial with Edge and Christian. How hasn't "full-on scorch cake" become an everyday phrase yet? You mean I'm still the only one using it? Damn.

WWF Hardcore ring ad. When you can't sell the ads, shill your own crap.

Damn, you'd think it was TBS with all these commercials.

Avalon, Beyond the Abyss airs tomorrow at 8. No, thanks, I'll be killing myself.

Six Man Tag Team Action: Kane/The Hardy Boyz (w/Lita--keep the camera on the girl) vs. The X-Factor

Back to Monday, where Kane stole a bunch of useless trinkets from a game machine at WWF New York and set Vince back about 15 bucks. Matt defends the European Title against X-Pac on Sunday...why not Jeff vs. X-Pac for the Light Heavyweight Title? You know, make people care about the division? Oh, Jeff *is* defending against X-Pac at King of the Ring! Sorry, force of habit.

Tonight, Edge and Christian vs. Kurt Angle and Rhyno! Angle gets gored tonight. And no, I have not seen the spoilers this week.

Jeff and Justin Montoya start it off. Jeff uses armbars and armdrags. X-Pac tags in and it's more of the same. Matt tagged in...poetry in motion. Two count. Dear God, he's got some pop on those punches. X-Pac breaks a hammerlock with an elbow and tags Albert. Matt escapes the Gorilla press, but gets caught in the corner and plays Ricky Morton. Kane makes a save. Justin power bombs Matt out of the corner for 2. X-Pac in, and he's blown up so we have a headlock. Matt gets out, but gets kicked in the corner, so Lita trips and posts X-Pac. Hot tag to Jeff..why not Kane? Justin backdropped over the top, but he misses the plancha. Kane with a flying clothesline onto Albert in the ring...did I miss a tag? One arm powerslam and a choke slam attempt, but Albert elbows out. Kane catches Albert coming in with a Big Boot, then choke slams X-Pac to hell. Jeff on top--Swanton Bomb for the pin at 4:50. Call it *1/2 because I'm feeling nice.

Backstage, Vince is on the phone and Stoned Cold walks in. Austin ain't worried about WCW, he wants an answer to his ultimatum. Vince tries to back out of making a decision. Either way he's out about half a billion. Austin thinks he knows where Vince will go, so he gives him...some hunting trinket. It looks like a bow with some arrows, but I couldn't hear the clip very well. Oh, and he gave him a Stone Cold camoflage hat. Is there some symbolism about "You'd better be the hunter before you become the hunted" or am I giving away too much?

Ad for Tough Enough. At least in four months they'll shut up about it, although if there's a sequel I'm sending them a tape.

Racing Tchaikovsky? For a Nike commercial, I didn't see one damn shoe!

UPN picked up Buffy, which means the audience is doubled. Six people. But hey, Sarah Michelle Gellar on TV for an hour is fine by me.

Enough with the commercials! You could have added another lame 20-minute interview by now.

Taker and Sara are still waiting for DDP. Smart money is he ain't there.

Tiejiri is in the back watching the tape of his match with Rhyno, and William Regal comes in and yells at him about it. In come Kaientai, and Regal signs TAKA Michino-clue to face Jeff Hardy for the Light Heavyweight Title. And I think he signed Funaki vs. Tajiri, but I'm not really sure. Regal's the only one speaking English, and he's making little sense at this point.

Kurt Angle tells Rhyno if he plays his card right they'll face each other in the finals, and signs his death warrant by saying "being runner-up isn't the gold, but it's a solid silver."

Debra and Austin come into Vince's office. Debra offers Vince her cookies. Get your mind out of the gutter! Vince enjoys Debra's cookies. Get our mind out of the gutter! Austin doesn't like her cookies...get your mind out of the gutter! Anyway, Austin's kissing up to the boss, that much is certain.

All those commercials for that?

Brian Lawler isn't in the WWF, but we'll sell his music anyway.

Local spot for WWF Invasion. My tickets came in the mail today. Whoo-hoo!

Edge and Christian vs. My Olympic Zero and The Man Beast Rhyno

As we see the KOR graphic, am I the only person who thinks Rhyno should have come in as ECW Champion and jobbed to Austin in a unification match? Would have made the old timers happy. Anyway, instead of a four corners match, which might have made more sense, we get this tag team match.

Edge and Rhyno start. Edge with a flapjack. Tag to Christian. They steal Poetry in Motion, and a backbreaker by Christian gets 2. Angle with the cheap knee to the back, and a Rhyno spinebuster gets 2. Angle tagged in. Punches and kicks in the corner, but Christian fights back. Angle puts the Anklelock on, but Christian gets to the ropes. Snap suplex (w/o snap) for 2. Rhyno tagged in. Paul, I love your work, but quit whining about Austin, we have a match going on. Rhyno to the top rope but he misses a splash. Funny to hear Paul E. argue about a three way dance when that was all ECW ever booked. Tag on both ends, and Edge is a house afire. All four make their way into the ring. Christian tries to clothesline Rhyno, but misses and hits Edge. Rhyno gores both opponents, and Angle covers Edge for the pin at 3:52. Should have been much better. *

Postmatch, Shane runs in and levels Angle with a kendo stick. Is Big Vito with him? Security runs out to run him off, but Shane holds them off with the stick...and runs away.

Backstage, Austin is back in Vince's office. Austin has another autographed picture of Vince and Austin shaking hands at WrestleMania. And he sings "That's What Friends Are For"....kill me now. Vince knows just the place for it. Probably lining his birdcage.

TV PG DVL at WWF New York, where we premiered WWF Tough Enough on Tuesday. Here's the video. Al and Jacky are still under contract?

William Regal is sending Perry Saturn out to help beat Test for the Hardcore Title. Saturn says something stupid, which Regal turns around by saying Test is saying something different. Something about applesauce vs. cumquats and the ozone layer? readers will love the skit, but somebody get Saturn a workable gimmick.

Also tonight, the Dudleys! Benoit/Jericho! The tag team title!

And here comes Austin to the ring, and I think Paul's way too excited. He's been living in his parents' basement too long. Austin to all four corners, and now out to get a mic from Tony Chimmel. It's SCTV! All Stone Cold, All the time! Austin asks Cole where Tazz is, and then complains about Cole's anti-Austin commentary. Convenient placement of a cameraman just behind the guardrail. Anyway, Austin sold his soul to Satan McMahon, and the insinuation has Austin a little bit peeved. He oughta whip Cole's ass for talking about him, but no. He will whip his ass for talking about Vince. A couple of slaps to Cole's face. And now he shoves him down. He's a big man, beating up a guy about the size of Calista Flockheart. Cole's trying to run from Austin, and now the beatdown commences. Yes, this is worth the absence of a match. The main problem with it is...nobody cares about Cole for this to work as being "heel tactics". In fact, I'm rather enjoying it. Maybe this will upset Tazz to the point that he gets a program with Austin. If it doesn't, this was a waste of time. Official time: 9:11pm. Total match time: about 12 minutes. And that's being generous.

Austin wants to brag to Vince about what he's done, but he isn't in the office, and now Paul E. Heyman is being joined by Good Ol' J.R. And let's waste more time by SHOWING THAT LAME SEGMENT AGAIN! Austin's evil, we get it. During the break, Cole was stretchered out. Maybe that was worth it... of course, I would have at least gotten one shot in. If I'm going to die, I'm going down swinging.

For the WWF Hardcore Championship: Test vs. Perry Saturn (w/the Horny Little She-Devil)

Saturn starts off by going after Test's "injured" ribs. Test with corner whips and follow-in clotheslines, and he's doing a better job of selling the ribs this week. Terri grabs an ankle to help Saturn out. Saturn uses his head as a weapon, which probably won't help his mental state much. Saturn under the ring for weapons. Trash can lid gets nailed into his own face. Test sets the garbage can in the corner, whip, reversal, Test rib first into it, and Saturn with a kendo stick to the head. Pretty much a typical hardcore match here. Test sets up the garbage can and goes for a superplex, but the placement sucks. It doesn't matter, because Saturn blocks it and drops Test onto it for two. Saturn up top with a moonsault, but Test gloms him with a stop sign for 2. Terri comes in and tries to hit Test with the garbage can lid, but misses and hits Saturn in the head. You're welcome. Test with a full nelson slam onto a garbage can, and even though the shoulders aren't anywhere near down it gets two. The finish comes when Saturn grabs a mop and goes after Test, but Test with the Big Boot for the pin at 5:11. I know I missed a key spot or two here, but they were actually going at a decent clip. Call me crazy, but either that was the match of the night so far, or it's just been so long since they've had a match that it seemed better than it was. **

Backstage, Kane tells his brother and sister-in-law that he's got their back. Prediction: DDP is wearing Kane's gear.

You know, a friend of mine thought about getting Stacker 2, but he heard Chyna likes guys who use it and decided not to. Great marketing, Vince. By the way, if she's filming a movie, why didn't she job the belt off first?

WWF Overdrive of the Week shows DDP revealing himself as the stalker.

Austin is still looking for Vince, but a security guard thinks he's already left the building.

Now Taker and Sara come to the ring so we can further bore the live crowd with a nothing segment. Maybe if they didn't try to simulate commercial breaks on taped shows the crowds would enjoy the show more. Trust me, you'd save 45 minutes doing that. Anyway, Taker cuts a promo telling us who DDP is. No mention of him being a three time, three time, three time WCW World Champion though. DDP better show up if they're going to waste my time with this. "You're not famous because you suck." Ooh, I'd be scared if I was Page, I tell you. Taker has a list with all the names of everybody's he's beaten and Page's is going on top. And we can hear DDP, but we can't see him anyplace. Now he's on the Ovaltron, and he's doing a remote from the Taker's ranch. A look at the shower. The dogs are sleeping. And the bedroom..."the playpen"...didn't we ask once to stay out of the lingerie drawer? Shouldn't Page's lips move when he's on camera? How many more rhetorical questions will I ask during this show?

Did we really need "Scary Movie 2"?

Buffy can slay my vampire anytime...sorry, shouldn't have said that out loud.

We are in Orlando, taped 6/19/2001, in case you didn't know.

During the break, Vince is gone, but he left all of Austin's gifts in the office. So they're going to deliver then for him. But they leave Debra's cookies. Get your mind out of the gutter!

Tiejiri (w/Commissioner Regal) vs. TAKA Michino-clue (w/Funaki...In-DEED) in a battle of Japanese stererotypes

OK, now I'm really confused about the segment earlier. "Tajiri, you might serve tea and cumquats, but we serve EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEvil." At least they didn't draw out "indeed".

After the traditional crane position, we trade chops until Taka gets 2. Handspring elbow by Tajiri. And a chop (WHOO!) Taka whips Funaki to the corner and charges, but it's countered with a tarantula. Kick to the head, sitout power bomb, and another kick to the head gives Tajiri the win in 1:43. Normally this would be my cue to say "Screw you Russo" but he isn't on the planet that I know of. 1/2*, but only because it was LESS THAN TWO DAMN MINUTES! Hell, they gave me more of The Big Show than that!

The tag team title match is next!

The RC Cola Rewind shows Austin tapping out to both finishers at the same time on Monday, thereby ensuring Austin finds a way to keep the belt.

For the WWF Tag Team Championship: The Dudley Boyz (w/o tables) vs. Crippler God Chris Benoit and Y2J(1)

You mean Benoit isn't God? Scott Keith had me fooled. Earlier tonight, the Dudleys hit Spike with the 3D for the sole reason that Molly is a Holly. It has nothing to do with them fighting for years in ECW. NOTHING! EC-what? Thank you. Wasn't Jericho supposed to get new music to go with that video?

Oh yeah, the match. Bell rings at 9:48. Bubba and Benoit start. Bubba with some forearms to the back. Now he pounds away on Benoit in the corner. Benoit baseball slides under a clothesline, and a few seconds later only gets on German on Bubba. He hits the overhead belly-to-belly and tags Jericho, however. Jericho goes to the second rope and gets caught with a punch, and D-Von is tagged in. "We want tables" chant even though I think the Dudleys are supposed to be heels now. Now Benoit and D-Von are in, and Paul puts The Dynamite Kid over. Crossface is on, but Bubba makes the save. Slam by Bubba, WHAZZUP done briefly at best, Bubba gets 2. D-Von goes for a table without Bubba telling him. Bubba Bomb! Punch to the back, and a modified camel clutch as Jericho gets a table on the other side. Bubba yells at Jericho and gets rolled up for two. Tag to D-Von, and they double team in the corner. D-Von goes for a flying legdrop and misses, and here's the race for the hot tag. Benoit hits the German instead. Another race for the hot tag, and it's made on both sides. Flying shoulderblock by Jericho. Dropkick to D-Von. Faceslam bulldog by Jericho, and the Lionsault, but in comes D-Von, who gets caught in the Walls of Jericho. Bubba down, Benoit tagged in, Swan Dive Headbutt, save made by D-Von. 3D! Jericho pulls Bubba off the pin, and I almost lose the sound on my feed. D-Von and Jericho on the broadcast table, and Jericho backdrops him off of it and into the table D-Von had set up earlier. Oh, the irony. Bubba drops Jericho on the railing, and Jericho falls into Earl Hebner. Bubba brings the ring bell in, but Benoit sees it and catches him with the Crossface. Bubba taps, but there's no referee, and Stone Cold runs out and breaks it with the title belt. Bubba Ray drapes the arm, and Hebner conveniently wakes up and counts the pin at 9:18. New champions are crowned, and we finally got a decent match. ***

Cut backstage, as Austin is storming off and runs into Vince. Vince reveals he's been in the emergency room with Cole, and while Cole might not sue him, he may sue Austin. Vince says Austin won't be at King of the Ring, and he gets his own ultimatum. "Either you leave King of the Ring with the WWF championship, or you and me...WE'RE THROUGH!" Austin goes..."Vince?" meekly, and we're out.

Final Analysis: Well, this was the final setup for King of the Ring, and it did a decent job of selling the main event and not much else. Most of the matches they did have had nothing to do with the pay-per-view, which by my count sits at six matches. Austin was on entirely too much, the Taker-DDP angle is meaningless without a match signed (they're obviously saving it until at least Invasion at this point), and nothing else really clicked. I liked what wrestling there was, but come on. Tajiri-TAKA gets 2 minutes and Test-Saturn gets 6? Do it the other way around and I'm happy.

Thumbs slightly down.

Jared Hawkins

*Wrestling* fans watching a *wrestling* program want to see *wrestlers* *wrestle*!

-Jim Cornette
Raw is War 12/29/97

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