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Jared Hawkins




This week: random thoughts from Raw. Everybody else does it, why not me?

Why yes, we started with a backstage interview this week. Before long JR and the King will never be seen on TV and it *will* look like that final days of WCW all over again.

How hard is it to RING THE FUCKING BELL when somebody runs in for a disqualification, anyway? Did Lillian Garcia start doing double duty as a timekeeper? I know the economy's hitting all of us hard, but damn...

For the record, single tickets for the SmackDown! tapings were available as of 1pm Pacific Tuesday. Don't call it a sellout if it ain't a sellout. And for that matter, how about announcing on-sale dates in cities you're going to be at a little sooner than 5 days prior, huh? How am I supposed to save money for an overpriced ticket to a mediocre TV show in 5 days?

What's that flying out of Las Vegas? Is it a bird? A plane? Oh, it's just RVD's push.

Just to show you the WWF bookers have no clue right now. Not only are Billy and Chuck getting the push of a lifetime despite having exactly zero heat, but they beat the APA in the three way, and the crowd completely turns against everybody. In other words, have the APA win the belts from Tazz and Spike and have them hold the damn things until about SummerSlam. At least pretend to care about what we want.

Who had "zero crowd reaction" in the nWo heat pool?

Hey Joanie, at least when Mick Foley was doing TNN's Robot Wars, it wasn't because that was the only job he could get!

OK, so Stephanie's pregnant. First off, if she isn't actually pregnant, don't waste our time. The "bullshit" chant confirms the crowd doesn't want the angle. The "It's not yours" chant confirms that nobody buys the angle. But believe it or not, there are actually several ways this angle can go.

1. Chris Jericho is the father.
2. Kurt Angle is the father (if we have to play this angle, this is the *only* storyline that makes sense). Dark horse plot twist: Steph got drunk after Monday night's show and eloped with Angle.
3. D'Lo Brown returns, accidentally knocks Steph off the apron, and "loses" the baby. Steph then forces D'Lo to do menial errands for her until Francois reveals she was never pregnant in the first place.
4. Stephanie disappears from TV for six months to reveal she gave birth to publicity photos of hot newcomer Brock Lesnar.
5. The Undertaker reveals that technically he is Stephanie's husband and is actually the father of her baby. Stephanie gives birth one week later to Tiger Jackson, who has been repackaged as Lucifer the Clown.
6. She gives birth to a foot, which joins Mae Young's baby hand as we begin forming the "WWF Diva Mr. Potato Head (tm)".

Sadly, I'd put my money on number 6. Even more sadly, Lawler kept trying to say "She's pregnant, JR" and he couldn't entirely keep himself from laughing the entire segment.

Wait a second? A trained wrestler holds the women's title? Heyman must have written that one.

Dark horse pregnancy twist: Pat Patterson is the father and reveals he thought he was sleeping with Goldust.

And finally, the main event. Same usual main event we've been getting for weeks on end now...well, when the main event's been a match, anyway. But dammit, I wanted to see more of the fan getting his ass kicked! That would have been fun.

Anyway, that does it for me this week. Give me feedback!

Jared Hawkins

*Wrestling* fans watching a *wrestling* program want to see *wrestlers* *wrestle*!

-Jim Cornette
Raw is War 12/29/97

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