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| Guest Columns | Matt Hayden |
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How about another booking parody? This one takes place
in 1990, and the event in question is the Royal
Rumble. No intro this week, let's just get right to
it. (Seated around a large table are Vince McMahon, wearing a sky blue suit, Hulk Hogan, The Ultimate Warrior, Bret Hart, Mr. Perfect and Ted DiBiase. They are discussing plans for the Royal Rumble.) Vince: Another year, men, another year. You know why I love the Royal Rumble so much? It lets a wrestler gain credibility, makes him seem like a viable World Title contender. Winning the Rumble can kick-start a career like nothing else. That's why this year I'm gonna let - Hogan: Me win? I think me winning the Rumble makes sense. Vince: You? Well, it wouldn't be too bad, but, you *are* the champion now, and you haven't lost a match in 15 months, so maybe we should elevate someone to the position of serious world title contender. Hogan: What's wrong with the opponents I'm facing now? You're not putting down The Big Boss Man and Haku, are you? Vince: No, Hulk, it's just that...............well, maybe we should let somebody else win the Rumble, but don't worry, you can squash them after that, if you like, and - Warrior: I believe the time to reveal my true powers has come. We are all warriors inside, it's just that some of us choose to harness that power and others don't. I have recently strengthened my foke and believe I am ready to become one with the championship belt. Destrucity will reign supreme during the time of the Warrior. If I was victorious in this supreme test of endurance and strength, it would open the door for a whole new wave of young warriors to become - Hogan: Hey, listen brother, you're oversteppin' your boundaries here. For someone to actually suggest to the owner of the company that they deserve to win the Rumble reeks of ego. Perfect: You said I've impressed you so far, Vince. I worked my ass of at the Survivor Series. I think I have most of the tools and I can fix anything you don't like about me. I want to become the best I can be. Vince: Hmm........... Hulk, would you ever consider - Hogan: No. Vince: Then maybe you could sell a few moves and make him seem like a viable - Hogan: Sorry. Vince: Curt, your time will come.......... sometime. Right now I think the best thing for you is to be manhandled by Hulk in the Rumble. In the long run, it will pay off. Trust me. Perfect: But.......... I can't see how......... I mean - Hogan: Brother, you have to learn to be a team player. Having that kind of attitude will get you nowhere. You have to be willing to make sacrifices. DiBiase: What's planned for me? Vince: Ted.............. well, I admit you've been a loyal company man for a few years now. Every single time I've asked you to lay down for Hulk you've done it. You've never had a title reign before, have you? DiBiase: No, never. Vince: I've given you title shots though? DiBiase: Well, yes.......... but I've been beaten the same way each time. Hulk just starts no-selling - I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that - and hits me with a big boot and then a legdrop. I think it's becoming too predictable, and, well, I might be losing a little credibility as a title contender. Even a count out or disqualification win might - Perfect: Yeah, I have to speak up about this. Ted has given me so much advice about this business. I look at him in the ring and he plays the role of the rich snobby man so perfectly. His arsenal is pretty good, but yet he hardly ever wins. Hogan: I'll tell you what. How about we make you come in first, Ted, so then when you get eliminated it won't be so big a deal because nobody expected you to win anyway after drawing that number? DiBiase: Uh...... it's not exactly what I had planned, but, I guess.......... Hogan: Curt, you can come in last, so that I can destroy you for the win. I'll draw an earlier number so that when we fight you're fresh and I'm tired. This makes me look invincible, because I've been wrestling 20 minutes and I beat a guy who's just come in the ring. Perfect: But............ doesn't that make me look - Vince: Curt, Curt. Team player, remember? We're all in this *together*. Nobody is better than anybody else. Hart: OK, this is all great, but what about me? I've been loyal too and I have better technical skills than anyone here. I've done everything I was told and yet I feel like I'm being screwed - Vince: Now, Bret, nobody is being screwed. I give everybody their fair shot. What did you have in mind? Hart: Well, at the very least I want to have a chance to show off my technical skills against the top wrestlers during the Rumble.......... make it seem like I can mix it up with anyone in the WWF. Hogan: That sounds like a selfish statement, Bret. With that attitude, you'll never become a champion. Hart: Hey, c'mon, don't screw me. If there's one thing I hate, it's bein' screwed. I got screwed when I was 17, you see, a promoter promised me a title reign and I never got it, and I never forgot it, in fact, I still wake up most nights and think about it, and I talk about it to everyone I see, just to get it off my chest, you know? What happened exactly was - Vince: Bret, that's quite all right. I'm sure it was a travesty, whatever happened. I guarantee you that *I* will never, ever screw you. OK? Hart: ..............OK. Thank you. Hogan: You know what would be great Vince? Havin' some guys get eliminated real fast, to put them in their place. Some guys in this company are lettin' their ego get the better of 'em.............. that would cut them down to size. Vince: Like who? Hart: Uh.......... if I may, how about Shawn Michaels, you know that kid in The Rockers. I hate him. I don't know, he's just the total opposite of me. Plus, he's a rookie in this business and he still won't lay down for anybody. Always insists that Janetty get pinned when they lose. Jesus, it drives me nuts. Vince: Alright, we'll do that. Warrior........ you can throw him out as soon as he comes in. No-sell anything he tries. Warrior: That is of small satisfaction to me. My destiny is to have the bigger prize. My foke is at its highest point. If it is not released in a controlled environment such as the Royal Rumble, I might become wildly unpredictable. I cannot guess what I may do. I may even, in a blind rage, hurt him. (Points to Hogan). (The entire room is silent for five minutes. Nobody knows what to say. Vince speaks, but before doing so, gulps dramatically). Vince: OK, Warrior........... I understand your position. What can we do, Hulk? Hogan: How about this. We'll clear the ring together, and then when we square off, you can get in a punch, maybe even two or three before I start no-selling. I promise that I'll make it look like they were hard punches that would have hurt me severely were I not Hulk Hogan. Warrior: I suggest an alternate plan. Perhaps we can simultaneously attempt a clothesline. We would both crash to the mat and be hurt, but before we could get up, another entrant would come to the ring and begin stomping me. Hogan: Wait a minute. We would *both* be hurt? I would never be hurt by a clothesline. Vince: Uh......... Hulk, if you do sell the clothesline, you can eliminate 18 men instead of the 9 we had agreed on. Hogan: You mean there are *still* 11 other men I wouldn't eliminate? Vince: Well, yes, but............. you can't throw *everyone* out, can you? I mean, it would probably be best to let some other people - DiBiase: I come in first, right? Who comes in second? Are you saying I can't throw that person out? Vince: Koko.B.Ware is second. I'm not sure....... Hulk might want to - Hogan: No, no, you can eliminate him, Ted. I don't really want to have to throw him out...... associating with a wrestler of such a low quality would not be good for my character. He doesn't deserve the rub. Perfect: Savage isn't here.......... isn't he in line for another push? Hogan: He *had* his title reign. A full year. Maybe a de-push is in order. How about we let Dusty throw him out? Vince: I guess........... OK. Vince: So the plan is, Hulk will win, agree? Perfect: (grumbles) Hart: Yeah, as long as I'm not screwed in the process. Warrior: I still think I should receive the ultimate representative of domination in this industry, that being the World Wrestling Federation Championship, but, very well. All the warriors will have their day eventually. DiBiase: Uh...........sure. Vince: Great! So, Hulk can throw out whoever he wants. Everybody else use discretion. Perfect: So who does Hulk fight at Wrestlemania? Hogan: Speaking of that, Vince, I was thinking. Maybe it would be a good idea to mimic the six year long title reign Bob Backlund had. Maybe I can keep this belt until 1995. Vince: 1995? Uh...... well, I mean, that's a *long* time, but I guess if you want to, then maybe - Hogan: Great. This meeting went well. You guys need to work on your team spirit a little bit, but believe me, there's nobody that I'd rather have job to me than you guys. DiBiase: Gee, thanks, Hulk. Perfect: Glad you see that potential in me. Hogan: No problem. (Everybody gets up and leaves). Once again, I love feedback. Tell me what you think of my column or anything else that may be on your mind. Matt "Blackjack" Hayden freelance Mail the Author Visit my site |
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