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HOBBES et LUKE:
A Story of Love and Betrayal in V Acts
Electric Boogaloo Director's Cut One Year Aniversy Special Edtion DVD
JUICY DVD EXTRAS:
- Hobbes et Luke with commentary by Hobbes
- Hobbes et Luke with commentary by Luke (?)
- Never-before-seen footage from the unreleased Hobbes et Luke 2
- "Hey Luke" the music video
- "Beyond the Luke" — the trailer for Hobbes et Luke
- Documentary on the making of Hobbes et Luke: The time Hobbes called Luke’s parents
~~~
COMMENTARY BY HOBBES
I can't even remember how it started.
Luke Johnston, a man who ran a wrestling site called the Shooters, a site I once read a blurb about in a issue of Yahoo Internet Life magazine, this was a man I was going to become obsessed with? I was going to obsessed with a man, period? Yes. Yes I was.
I didn't know too much about Luke, he ran a site I liked sometimes. He liked Nirvana, I knew that. He was in the nTo forum for about two seconds. There's a fun fact for you kids that keep up with the message board news.
Like I said though, I forgot how it started. A few guys I like were on the Shooters and some left the site. I remember some of the writers getting angry when Zach Arnold was left in charge for a little while and added his own comments to people's work. That and he called Steve Shroeder an alcoholic which isn't the first thing that comes to mind when most people think of him. Maybe one of those things started it. Maybe Luke said something stupid. Maybe he fired a guy I like. All I know is it was something that made me angry. Now, I like to think I don't take the internet too seriously, I hope I don't at least and this had nothing to do with me but I thought it'd be fun to bug Luke Johnston on AIM.
Something fasinated me as soon as I started. He didn't talk to me, he blocked one of my user names. I had only planned to goof on him til he blocked me, then once he did I planned to goof on him til he talked to me, then once he did that I just decided to keep on going. I don't know why exactly. Something about Luke to this day fasinates me. He's kind of private, he AIMs guys out of the blue with wrestling news they already know or questions about internet feuds days old, he's done some stupid things on his site, he's done some ok things. But I like to think that there's such a thing called magic, causing the chemicals of my brain to think constantly badgering this guy was special. I like to think that some people who laughed at it did too.
It's been about a year now and what you're about to read is at least days worth of two men and a chat program and the sadness and fun that results. It was edited by Justin Shapiro, who knew what spelling mistakes to take out and which ones to leave in and although he probably doesn't think so, added something cool with the acts and all. Also, he came up with the title I think, I know I came up with the subtitle. (Justin: Hobbes didn’t come up with shit. I titled and subtitled this piece.) To celebrate what's been the weirdest year of my life and try to break this writer's block by raping the corpse of one of the few funny things I've written, I'd like to present this Special Edition. I'll add commentary and insight to all of the following, at least the parts I remember and I'll add previously nTo exclusive chats, the ground for Hobbes et Luke 2, one of the worst ideas I've ever had. Maybe we'll get to that later but not now because now it's time to start on what sadly, happily, crazily, sickly and errr...funnily might have defined a year of my life, made some people laugh and confused one man a few years my elder. I present...
HOBBES et LUKE:
A Story of Love and Betrayal in V Acts
Director's Cut
screenplay by Trevor Dame
translated by Justin Shapiro
CAST
~~~
Canuck Hobbes; Hobbes, nTo clown prince, desperately seeking affection
yyz Luke; Luke Johnston, webmaster, the Shooters, rightfully wary
~~~
SETTING
~~~
Foggy Streets of London; September 1847, on America Online Instant Messager
~~~
The above was all done by Justin Shapiro who offered to edit it. I think he did a great job adding a couple nice jokes above, describing the two people involved in a way that I would've dragged on for two paragraphs to get the same results and giving me a weird kick by splitting it into acts and actually making something that contained me telling a man that we were going to have babies look like a play.
ACT I
Scene 1
Canuck Hobbes: Hey Luke
Canuck Hobbes: That was RUDE
I think Luke banned another user name of mine when I asked Luke what was up with some Shooters site things and that's what I was talking about. Now that I think about it, the block was what turned my intentions from badgering to outright sillyness. Sadly, that part of the chat is not saved because how was I supposed to know what this would turn into?
Canuck Hobbes: Lukey Hoooooo
Lukey Hoo is one of my favorite nick names for Luke. I urge everyone that comes into contact with him to call him this.
Canuck Hobbes: Luke do you like the Duke
Canuck Hobbes: SAPGETME WESTERNS
When Justin was clearing up spelling mistakes in his edit I think he asked me if we should change this one to spagetti but I actually like the way it turned out better. I forget if I ment to spell it this way or not. I hope to God I ment to spell it that way.
Canuck Hobbes: French and Steve are wanting you to chat
Ok, so what got me started was probably something that started with Shooters writers Brian French and Steve Schroeder, blame them.
Canuck Hobbes: They want to hear your side of the story
Canuck Hobbes: I guess any story you have is false and flimsy as your mothers panties
when I ripped through them to stick my penis in her wet vagina
At this point I started saying all sorts of things, just throwing out stuff to see if Luke would respond, he hadn't blocked this name but he wasn't talking to me either. First I tried being filthy and shocking, nothing here.
Canuck Hobbes: That was uncalled for, I'm sorry
It really was.
Canuck Hobbes: I was out of line
Luke has used the line, I pay tribute here to make up for what I said above.
Canuck Hobbes: So, people say you think I'm crazy
Luke at this point was probably asking other people online what the fuck I was doing at this point, I was most likely posting some of this stuff in chat at the same time which got laughs which spured me on.
Canuck Hobbes: Also, your mom is a very sweet lady and she did a good job of raising
you
Ok, I get it, the Mom thing was out of line but look at me make nice.
Canuck Hobbes: My girlfriend cooked chicken tonight
Canuck Hobbes: THE TURKEY'S DONE
Canuck Hobbes: A hunka hunka buuuuuurnin luv
Canuck Hobbes: LUUUUUUUUKE
Canuck Hobbes: TALK TO MEEEEEEEEEE
Canuck Hobbes: GIVE ME ATTENTIOOOOOOOOOON
Plan B, all caps and point blank asking him to do something.
Canuck Hobbes: I NEED LOOOOOOOOVE
Canuck Hobbes: OH OH OH OH OH, THE WHITE STUFF
That line is a song parody by Weird Al of a New Kids on the Block song and could be considered the first time I suggested a sexual relationship between me and Luke.
Canuck Hobbes: OH MY GOD IT'S GOTTA BE LUKE
Or KANE.
Canuck Hobbes: LUKE I WANT TO WORK FOR THE SHOOTERS
Canuck Hobbes: FAMOUS WOMEN AND HOW THEY RELATE TO MENG
Canuck Hobbes: BY LUKE AND HOBBES
I never got to do that one.
Canuck Hobbes: You seem like a fairly nice guy. It's just the fact that you ignore me
cause that's probably what your mom told you to do when you deal with people like me
and the fact that you take your web site so seriously that drives me wild
Plan C, point blank telling him what I felt. The seriously thing related to the site. If you don't know what the mom stuff means then you didn't have a good one because good moms tell you to ignore people take make fun of you and they'll leave you alone. I know because my mom told me this and it didn't work until I got into a fight. I decided around this point that I didn't care if Luke responded or not as much anymore and wanted to see how much I could entertain myself talking to nothing. Also, it'd be fun to prove to Luke that sometimes our moms could be wrong.
Canuck Hobbes: Can't wait for that Nirvana box set
All that didn't stop me from plan D, engaging Luke in something we both like. The boxed set still hasn't come out by the way, Courtney Love and the rest of Nirvana are fighting about it.
Canuck Hobbes: Remember that first time Luke?
Canuck Hobbes: I'LL MAKE LOVE TO YOU
Canuck Hobbes: LIKE YOU WANT ME TO
Canuck Hobbes: BABY HOLD ME TIGHT
Canuck Hobbes: BABY ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT
Canuck Hobbes: I
Canuck Hobbes: WILL
Canuck Hobbes: MAKE
Canuck Hobbes: LOVE
Canuck Hobbes: TO
Canuck Hobbes: YOU
So much for those last two plans. At this point I think quoting Boys II Men got some of the biggest laughs so far and thus I learned suggesting I wanted to have sex with Luke equaled comic gold.
ACT II
Scene 1
Canuck Hobbes: Luke Johnston #### #### Dr. San Marcos, CA 92069 USA
Plan E, trying to scare a reaction out of him with his adress and phone number. People that day in chat were looking up webmaster and wrestler's phone numbers for something to do and it came up. Part of it has been blocked by Justin for everyone's safety. Later on I would indeed place a call to Luke's family but that's another story for later.
Canuck Hobbes: Is that a nice area of town?
Canuck Hobbes: Don't get angry at me, I don't know how to find stuff like that
Canuck Hobbes: StevenDSchroeder: I wash my hands of this one. I don't want anything to do with it.
Steve covers his ass as I fall deeper and deeper into stalkery.
Canuck Hobbes: I'm probably going too far if Steve disagrees with this
Canuck Hobbes: You know what would be cool? If you lived on Dr. Wagner Jr. Street
Famous luchadore who often wrestles in New Japan's junior division. He's pretty cool. If there is actually a Dr. Wagner Jr. street, let me know.
Canuck Hobbes: LUKE
Canuck Hobbes: LUKE
Canuck Hobbes: LUKE
Canuck Hobbes: LUKE
Canuck Hobbes: LUKE
Canuck Hobbes: LUKE
Canuck Hobbes: LUKE
Canuck Hobbes: LUKE
yyz Luke: The last message was not sent because you are over the rate limit. Please wait until sending is re-enabled and send the message again.
Yeah baby I broke the rate limit! Woo. This was plan F, the F stands for fun.
Scene 2
Canuck Hobbes: LUKE
Canuck Hobbes: You made me go over my rate limiiiiiiiiiit, I might go into to deeeeeeeebt ... stalking you ... Oooooh Luke
Canuck Hobbes: Luke, not the Duke, younger and likes Nirvana ... but he doesn't wanna .... talk to meeeeeee
Canuck Hobbes: Luuuuuke, you may think I'm a crazy guy but all I want to do is make you french fries .... toniiiiiight
Plan G: Brown Cow. Trying to make a song.
Canuck Hobbes: Ooooooh Luke .... you're a shooooooter .... but I think you're cuuuuuuuter, than Leo to meeeeee .... you see, we were meant to be .... a you and meeeee
This is me trying to copy "Hey Leonardo". I later did a whole song parody you'll see below.
Canuck Hobbes: LUKE, NO NUKES, HE LIKES TO JUKE LIKE OLD ALI AND IF YOU FUCK WITH HIM YOU GO DOWN FOR THE ONE TWO THREE
This is an awesome hardcore angry freestyle spoken word rap or something.
Canuck Hobbes: LUKE
Canuck Hobbes: LUKE
Canuck Hobbes: LUKE
Canuck Hobbes: LUKE
Canuck Hobbes: LUKE
Canuck Hobbes: LUKE
Canuck Hobbes: LUKE
Canuck Hobbes: LUKE
Canuck Hobbes: LUKE
Canuck Hobbes: LUKE
Canuck Hobbes: TALK TO ME
Canuck Hobbes: Why can't we be friends?
Canuck Hobbes: Luke
Canuck Hobbes: Please
Canuck Hobbes: Come on
Canuck Hobbes: I'll come down to Cal next summer and....ARG
He spurned me over and over and over and it was breaking my heart.
Scene 3
Canuck Hobbes: Luke Johnston #### # Dr. San Marcos, CA 92069 USA
Canuck Hobbes: Come on
Canuck Hobbes: Lets be friends
Canuck Hobbes: LUKE
Canuck Hobbes: COME ON
Canuck Hobbes: IT'S NOT FAIR
Canuck Hobbes: YOU ANSWERED STEVE
Canuck Hobbes: PLEASE
Canuck Hobbes: DAMN IT
Canuck Hobbes: DAMN IT
Canuck Hobbes: DAMN IT
Really a good case could be made at this point that this whole thing is a love story. I was really looking at this time just for him to say something to me. That would be like GOLD.
Canuck Hobbes: Luuuuuuuuke .... not Skywalker .... he's not quite a talker .... maybe just around me ....
Canuck Hobbes: He hates me for me, not because I know his address or because I confess, I think his website sucks
Canuck Hobbes: I love him for him, not because he's silent or because he might get violent if I IM him again
Canuck Hobbes: AND I'M SO GLAD I IM’ED HIM ONCE AGAIN
Canuck Hobbes: I give up
Canuck Hobbes: I'm sorry Luke
Canuck Hobbes: I'm not a stalker
Canuck Hobbes: I just want to be your friend
And just when things look bleakest for our hero...
ACT III
Scene 1
Canuck Hobbes: Luuuuuke .... you preach no nuuuuuuukes ...... you're not a coooooook like wolfgang puuuuuuck
yyz Luke: Did you need something?
IT HAPPENS. LUKE TALKS LUKE TALKS LUKE TALKS. Anti-climax. I never expected he was going to say something and every idea for a funny line I had to end this ran from my brain.
Canuck Hobbes: A friend
Canuck Hobbes: Love
Ugh, not bad but after all this I could've done so much better.
yyz Luke: Ok. Goodbye.
You have no soul my friend.
Canuck Hobbes: You
Canuck Hobbes: Luke .... is it ok if my first column for the nTo site is a love letter for you and includes your address?
Canuck Hobbes: FANTASTIC
yyz Luke: Excuse me?
Canuck Hobbes: Thank you so much Luke, now I gotta go write it, I don't have time to talk right now, bye
I love this though. The timing of the messages was the best part. Luke finally fed me a good line. Now this would've been a suitable ending to everything. Luke talked, I told him I had to go, everyone goes away happy. I realize though that I was having too much fun and a better ending was to be had, so we continued.
Scene 2
Canuck Hobbes: Luke Johnston #### #### Dr. San Marcos, CA 92069USA is the title of my piece
Canuck Hobbes: Luke Johnston #### #### Dr. San Marcos, CA 92069 USA
Canuck Hobbes: What the hell kinda area is that?
Canuck Hobbes: You live in some kind of project?
Canuck Hobbes: UH
Canuck Hobbes: UH
Canuck Hobbes: UH
Canuck Hobbes: UH
Canuck Hobbes: OOOOOOOH
Canuck Hobbes: LUUUUUUUUUUKR
Why the hell is that R still there? Justiiiiiin. (Justin: "LUKER." That’s a funny word.)
Canuck Hobbes: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
yyz Luke: It's a regular neighborhood. What is your point?
Canuck Hobbes: Not now Luke, Daddy's working
This is the line that I should've used before, this would've been a great ending but as I said before, I was having too much fun. Justin wonders why this is so funny but first off, lots of people have used this line on TV, I think Homer did on the Simpsons. Why I find it funny at least is the idea of someone sending message apon message looking for attention and the second he finally gets it he tells him he can't talk and has to go. It's a swerve baby and it makes for a tragic ending as Luke must always wonder if all these messages could've been avoided if he spoke sooner. BUT THE MATCH MUST CONTINUE...
ACT IV
Scene 1
Canuck Hobbes: You should explain your side of the story
Canuck Hobbes: Kawada vs. Vader is a good match but not as good as Kawada/Misawa
I'm a fan of puroresu, it is the wrestling of which I am a fan. I really mean this.
Canuck Hobbes: Eric S, one class act
Canuck Hobbes: Gang, I have no tolerance for rape
Canuck Hobbes: Crash Holly is good but so is Hardcore Holly
Canuck Hobbes: Fans, I just don't get, Chris Benoit
Canuck Hobbes: I don't care what anyone says I will always respect Hulk Hogan
Me ripping off Norm McDonald's Larry King's "News and Views" SNL skits.
yyz Luke: Which drugs are you on?
yyz Luke: And do you have Tourettes?
I love that line.
Canuck Hobbes: Sertraline and No
Sertraline is a fancy chemical name for Zoloft which yes, I do take. Really the last three lines are one of my favorite bits of snappy patter between us.
Canuck Hobbes: I'm never going to stop this and if you ignore me I'll find your email and if you ignore that I'll get your phone number and if you ignore that I'll make your parents get AIM and talk to them and get them to show embarrassing baby pictures of you
Maybe the scariest this got.
Canuck Hobbes: This is comic gold
Canuck Hobbes: Luke do you like ..... Puro?
yyz Luke: You are quite ... entertaining. I must give you that.
I'll hold on to this quote forever, if he ever tries to call the cops I will use this to cover my ass.
Canuck Hobbes: Better than Sean Shannon
Canuck Hobbes: What does he have that I don't? Beside a few extra hundred pounds and various problems coping with everyday situations
yyz Luke: lol
Sean Shannon is Luke's own Luke. He's obsessed with the man, OBSESSED. So I decided to throw Luke a bone and do a easy joke.
Canuck Hobbes: So, my house was broken into last night while I was IMing you
Canuck Hobbes: Some Indian
Canuck Hobbes: They caught him breaking into a camper a few streets away, he dropped his bag full of ID in our lawn
All true. Instead of going outside I called the cops, woke up my parents and stayed in chat. Fuck that shit, I'm not going outside to get my ass killed when I can talk to internet people.
Canuck Hobbes: I thought it was you
Canuck Hobbes: Good God, you watched Greed?! What's wrong with you?
A game show staring Chuck Woolery that Luke liked.
Canuck Hobbes: Good ol Chuck alone does not make for a complete Game Show
yyz Luke: Yes, I like the show.
Scene 2
Canuck Hobbes: I think the way Shooters needs to go is hire writters that don't like wrestling and then have them write Raw recaps
yyz Luke: What??
Canuck Hobbes: Well, all these wrestling sites take from the same basic pool of Delphi guys. I say go to the newsboards, the streets, the RTC, people who just post about wrestling and have never wrestled for a site. So many writters have the exact same style now, get writters that don't even visit these sites which forces them to invent a style of their own
I have no idea what the fuck I was babbling about here. I was trying to rope Luke into a serious discussion to make him think this saga was over and then BAM, back to weirdness. I wanted to explore the space of this concept, EXPLORE THE SPACE.
Canuck Hobbes: Or something, back to acting weird
Canuck Hobbes: Did I say wrestled for a site? Good fucking god.
yyz Luke: Your suggestion is a good one.
Canuck Hobbes: The only way to protect yourself from Alien abductions is to cover yourself with your own excrement
See how it works? WHAMMO. I do have a confession to make though...
I got the above joke from the Dan and Scott show. A radio show on the now dead Eyada.com. I was a huge fan of Dave Meltzer's wrestling show on the site and once tried to listen to another show...it wasn't my cup of tea but I heard this line and god damn it, it was exactly what I was looking for.
Canuck Hobbes: Oh sorry, I was trying to send that to someone else
Ahahahaha I love this.
ACT V
Scene 1
Canuck Hobbes: Lukey Hooooo
yyz Luke: What now?
Come on people, we're a modern day Felix and Oscar.
Canuck Hobbes: I wrote a poem
Canuck Hobbes: Roses are red
Canuck Hobbes: Violets are blue
Canuck Hobbes: No one loves me
Canuck Hobbes: Like I like Lue ... err .... Luke
Best poem ever.
yyz Luke: Keep this up and I'm going to bring back Shooters Webcam.
Luke, even when chatting to people, must PLUG THE SITE.
Canuck Hobbes: Keep that up and I'll have more to masturbate to then just the pic on your bio
yyz Luke: How old are you?
If I said I was 14 I wonder what Luke would've done.
Canuck Hobbes: 18 and I have a girlfriend. I'm not gay, just Lukesexual
yyz Luke: Darn. You're so my type.
Woo.
Canuck Hobbes: I can break up with her
yyz Luke: You're not related to CRZ by any chance, are you?
I have no idea what this means.
Canuck Hobbes: I can be down there in a couple days
yyz Luke: Down where?
Canuck Hobbes: DOWN THERE
He made it so easy that I had to do it.
Canuck Hobbes: I'd be in your house
Canuck Hobbes: All up in your area
yyz Luke: If I ever caught you in my house there would be No Way Out.
yyz Luke: And it would be Judgment Day, no doubt.
God damn your jokes suck Luke.
Canuck Hobbes: We could have a Royal Rumble in your bed
Canuck Hobbes: Benoit,Chris 780 875 2804 Lloydminster, AB S9V0P0
People posting this in chat, I just wanted to show it to Luke. It may or may not be Mr. Benoit's number.
Canuck Hobbes: You could be king of the cock ring
yyz Luke: That's enough. See you later.
Canuck Hobbes: LUKEY AND I ARE GOING TO HAVE BABIES
Canuck Hobbes: YA BRIGGIN?
YA BRIGGIN. So ends Hobbes et Luke, a fitting ending. Wait though ... here comes new user names and an ...
EPILOGUE
Scene 1
Oyuno Media: Hello Luke
yyz Luke: Who is this?
Oyuno Media or something spelled close to that was a company Sean Shannon either ran or worked for. About this time Shannon still ran the Smarks and left for a short while as his Grandpa was in bad health. In poor taste I decided to see if I could PULL THE WOOL OVER LUKE'S EYES as one of his arch foes. I had no idea how to write like Shannon.
Oyuno Media: Three guesses.
yyz Luke: Yeah, I know the obvious one, but I'm skeptical.
Oyuno Media: And why wouldn't you be? I don't really care at this moment if you believe me or not Luke, we have to talk.
yyz Luke: Ok. Start shooting.
Oyuno Media: As you might have heard I've been having some family problems lately.
yyz Luke: Correct.
Oyuno Media: I was informed this morning that my Grandfather has taken a turn for the worst and I have decided to go down to pay my last respects. No matter what my family thinks
Oyuno Media: Now, in a few days I will be leaving and I will be gone for a few weeks. I'll be putting someone in charge of the site that you are none too fond off. Now Luke, I want you to promise me, no fighting while I am gone. Do NOT take advantage of this situation.
yyz Luke: Whoever you are, this is kinda tasteless and unfunny.
Oyuno Media: Luke, I don't give a damn if you don't believe it's me. I just want your word.
Previous message was not received by yyz Luke because of error: User yyz Luke is not available.
I feel all dirty now.
Scene 2
Shooter Luke: Hello
Shooter Luke: STOP IMPERSONATING ME
Shooter Luke: AAAAAAAH THE JELLO IS BUGGED
Shooter Luke: I AM THE REAL LUKE JOHNSTON
A four line tour de force.
Previous message was not received by yyz Luke because of error: User yyz Luke is not available.
Scene 3
JJ Stutzman: Sorry about those last two things Luke, it was me
Jess Stutzman, one of the men who brought you Emzee. If you haven't heard of him, consider that a good thing and go bother somebody else for details. Anyway, after dropping off the face of the net the man came back for a day, the next day I tried to FOOL LUKE with another name.
JJ Stutzman: Oh wait...no
yyz Luke: Your lack of punctuation gives you away.
JJ Stutzman: Actually the fact that I have a completely different user name than the one that Jess used yesterday does.
Previous message was not received by yyz Luke because of error: User yyz Luke is not available.
I like the line but it's not a great ending, ah well you can't have everything.
FIN~!
~~~
NEVER BEFORE SEEN FOOTAGE
And Why There Will Never Ever Be a Hobbes et Luke 2
Because it sucked.
Don't get me wrong, a while after the first I wanted to do another, I TRIED to do another. But it sucked. I planned to do "My 39 Conversations with Luke". I would make 39 user names and use them to bug Luke one by one and when they were all banned, whatever the awesome results would be would be my comedy. The fun of the first was me acting lie a stalker and Luke constantly being silent or weirded out by me. This time after a short while I realized Luke knew what to do, just go along with it. It ruined the comedy and I became meaner and sadder and it just wasn't funny or fun enough. After a couple names I quit doing it. I was also going through a crappy time in my life which I mentioned to Luke in what I'm about to show you. It will be the lone edit in all of this because quite simply, I don't want to piss off some loved ones.
You're about to see my first and only two user named chats I tried to do as part of Hobbes et Luke 2. They aren't that great although they have their moments. The third thing I'm including has nothing to do with Hobbes et Luke but it has a special place in my heart. "Hobbes et Slow on the uptake." A short little thing that explains itself and is so good that if it had happened sooner might have resulted in me not writing what you're reading now. Or something. See you in a bit.
CONVERSATION 1
LukeJohnstonsDad: SON, We're going to costar in Hobbes et Luke 2!
LukeJohnstonsDad: Do you like Gladiator films son?
LukeAJohnston: Oh boy!
LukeJohnstonsDad: You asked for it and now we get soggy man boobs!
LukeAJohnston: :-D
LukeAJohnston: :-P
LukeJohnstonsDad: Excuse me for a sec son, I have to go take a hit off the crack pipe and hit your mom for making you.
LukeJohnstonsDad: THAT'S IT BITCH, MY VOICE IS SO LOUD IT TYPES WORDS.
LukeJohnstonsDad: Man son I hope this scene isn't cut.
LukeJohnstonsDad: Hey son, I found these straight magazines under your bed.
Previous message was not received by LukeAJohnston because of error: User LukeAJohnston is not available.
CONVERSATION 2
LukeHickerbottom: Sit on my lap and tell me a lie.
LukeHickerbottom: MY NOSE WILL GROW.
LukeHickerbottom: You may hate X-Factor
LukeHickerbottom: BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TA LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT
LukeAJohnston: Shutup and vote. http://www.theshooters.net/other/poll.htm
LukeHickerbottom: I want you
LukeHickerbottom: Push me
LukeHickerbottom: Pull me
LukeHickerbottom: Man, this Hobbes et Luke 2 is going swimingly
LukeHickerbottom: I'd like you to know that I trademarked "Luke Johnston"
LukeHickerbottom: And tore all your posters off the wall
LukeHickerbottom: Because they were shticky.
LukeHickerbottom: Hey
LukeHickerbottom: How do you get a dead baby out of a blender?
LukeHickerbottom: Chips.
LukeHickerbottom: Sit on my lap and tell me an apple pie.
LukeHickerbottom: I'm going to work for the Shooters soon
LukeHickerbottom: You know
LukeHickerbottom: I should write about X-Factor
LukeHickerbottom: Or the psychology in the 1/20/97 Kobashi/Misawa match
LukeHickerbottom: Or skull fucking.
LukeAJohnston: I vote for the latter.
LukeHickerbottom: Me too.
LukeAJohnston: Why didn't you call me?
LukeAJohnston: I gave you my number.
LukeAJohnston: I sat up all night.
LukeAJohnston: 707 ### ####
LukeHickerbottom: Fuck you whore, you think you're the only bitch in town that gives me digits?
LukeAJohnston: :'(
LukeHickerbottom: Spreading your legs like you had some kind of candy
LukeAJohnston: =-O
LukeHickerbottom: Well let me tell you something asswhoreclow
LukeAJohnston: :-
LukeHickerbottom: My winky is hankering for something stinky
LukeHickerbottom: SO BEND OVER
LukeHickerbottom: OOOOOOOH YEAH
LukeHickerbottom: DIG IT
LukeHickerbottom: TO BE CONTINUED.
LukeAJohnston: Asswhoreclow! Asswhoreclow!
LukeHickerbottom: Hey Luke, Kurt Cobain is dead.
LukeAJohnston: Everybody now... Asswhoreclow!
LukeAJohnston: What.... did.... you ..... just.... say????
LukeHickerbottom: http://www.celebritymorgue.com/
LukeAJohnston: >:o
LukeHickerbottom: http://www.celebritymorgue.com/pennywise/
LukeAJohnston: What is that?
LukeHickerbottom: http://www.celebritymorgue.com/kurt-cobain/
LukeHickerbottom: SO SAD KURT COBAIN IS LEAVING
LukeAJohnston: NO!!!!!!!!!
LukeAJohnston: :'( :'(
LukeHickerbottom: Why can't you emulate your pop culture hero
LukeAJohnston: =-O
LukeAJohnston: I do take heroin.
LukeHickerbottom: That explains your whole site
LukeAJohnston: :'(
LukeAJohnston: Some great art has been done under the influence of drugs.
LukeHickerbottom: And then on the other hand, there's your conception.
LukeAJohnston: Oh Hobbes, you so cwazy.
LukeHickerbottom: Shooters gets two hits a day, just like your mom got for not getting an abortion
LukeAJohnston: Oh no.
LukeAJohnston: :'(
LukeHickerbottom: Hey, imagine your dad going down on your mom and he gets a huge pubic hair stuck in his mouth...no he starts FLOSSING with it
LukeHickerbottom: And he has that gruff voice and he's like
LukeHickerbottom: "Man honey, this pot roast sticks to all sorts of things"
LukeAJohnston: Have you ever thought of going to Hollywood?
LukeHickerbottom: Yes. I also thought of taking a empty tube from a roll of toilet paper inserting it into your puckered asshole and letting a gerbil crawl into it
LukeAJohnston: Oh, that's nice.
LukeHickerbottom: I'm going to kill myself now
LukeHickerbottom: WE COULD'VE BEEN FRIENDS
LukeHickerbottom: BUT YOU THREW IT ALL AWAY
LukeAJohnston: I weep.
LukeHickerbottom: ALL SO YOU COULD STAY IN YOUR LOVELESS, GOOD FOR BUISNESS RELATIONSHIP WITH ERIC S
LukeHickerbottom: I GAVE YOU THE BEST HOURS OF MY LIFE
LukeHickerbottom: AND YOU THROW IT LUKE
LukeHickerbottom: ALL
LukeHickerbottom: AWAY
LukeHickerbottom: YOU THREW IT
LukeHickerbottom: YOU TOSSED IT INTO THE CROWD
LukeAJohnston: Asswhoreclow
LukeHickerbottom: LIKE A ROCK EBLOW PAD
LukeHickerbottom: Hey Luke, I bet if Shooter's shut down it wouldn't be the top story at RS. You geek
LukeHickerbottom: Also, Eric S is telling people that various people owe him a job in a E-Fed.
LukeHickerbottom: Good site you have
LukeHickerbottom: ALSO YOU WERE SUPPOSE TO LOVE ME
LukeHickerbottom: KISS ME
LukeAJohnston: Hey Hobbes, I almost care if it would be top story, you geek.
LukeHickerbottom: HUG ME
LukeAJohnston: I have a life.
LukeHickerbottom: TOUCH ME
LukeHickerbottom: Ha ha I'm a geek, you're online more than me
LukeAJohnston: How do you know I'm online more than you?
LukeHickerbottom: And I am smart
LukeHickerbottom: Because everytime I'm online you are and when I'm not people say you were
LukeHickerbottom: I HAVE SPIES
LukeHickerbottom: THE HILLS HAVE EYES LUKE
LukeHickerbottom: THE HILLS HAVE EYES
LukeAJohnston: Are you a high school graduate, Trevor?
LukeHickerbottom: Yes, I am incredibly gifted and guess what I am smarter than you and a very good kisser
LukeHickerbottom: And I know lots about puroresu
LukeHickerbottom: LUKE LETS PLAY A GAME
LukeHickerbottom: I'll say Tag and then you're it, then you say Tag and I'm it
LukeHickerbottom: TAG!
LukeHickerbottom: You're it
LukeHickerbottom: RUN RUN RUN
LukeHickerbottom: RUN RUN
LukeHickerbottom: I'M BEHIND A TREE
LukeHickerbottom: YOU HAVE NO GIRLFRIEND
LukeHickerbottom: TAG MEEEEEEE
LukeAJohnston: Would you like to advertise on Shooters?
LukeAJohnston: http://www.theshooters.net/other/ad.htm
LukeHickerbottom: Advertise what?
LukeAJohnston: Whatever you're selling.
LukeAJohnston: I don't care.
LukeHickerbottom: "Plans begin as low as $15.00."
LukeHickerbottom: ahahahahaha I wouldn't pay you 15 bucks to wipe my ass
LukeHickerbottom: ahahahahahahahahahahaha
LukeHickerbottom: oh god that is rich, 15 bucks, as low as ahahahahahahaha
LukeHickerbottom: ahahahahahahahahahahahaha
LukeHickerbottom: ahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahaha
LukeHickerbottom: ahahahahahaahahaha
LukeHickerbottom: hoo
LukeHickerbottom: what was i laughing about again
LukeHickerbottom: oh yeah
LukeHickerbottom: 15 bucks
LukeHickerbottom: ahahahahahahahahahaha
LukeHickerbottom: Wait, could I put a huge banner that had a man sucking another man's cock and a link to a gay porn site on the shooters?
Previous message was not received by LukeAJohnston because of error: User LukeAJohnston is not available.
HOBBES et SLOW ON THE UPTAKE
LukeAJohnston: You see the Bischoff story?
nTo Hobbes: I swear to god, the second you sent that I clicked on it
LukeAJohnston: Clicked what?
nTo Hobbes: Er, a link to the Bisch story
LukeAJohnston: I sent you that?
nTo Hobbes: No, I found it myself
LukeAJohnston: Ok, got it
nTo Hobbes: NyQuil isn't for drinking you know
LukeAJohnston: Come again?
nTo Hobbes: Never mind
~~~
Hey Luke (He Hates Me For Me)
A song I made up based on Hey Leonardo. Inspired by what I did in Hobbes et Luke.
He don't care about my transcripts
He don't care about my chatery
And that's not good because I got alot to send
But if I didn’t it wouldn't mean nothin'
He hates me for me
Not because I know his address
Or because I confess
Luke, I think your website sucks.
But what he sees
Are my nude photos and postions
My insecure conditions
And the spooge upon the sheets that I shed
He don't care about my medication
Or my collection of stolen Keith DVD's
Things like that just never mattered much to him
Cause he don’t watch too much gay t.v.
And he don't care that I can ride him
In motels he ain't never been
But if he really wants to go
I think deep down he knows that
All he has to say is when
He hates me for me
Not because I hang with the nTo
Or that guy who writes up Nitro
I think his name is CRZ
He's the one for me
And I just can't live without him
My arms belong around him
And I'm so glad I IMed him once again
And I'm so glad I IMed him once again
And I'm so glad I IMed him once again
Gazing at the ceiling
As we entertain our pee pees in the dark
The things that we're afraid of are gonna show us
what we're sticking in the end
He hates me for me
Not because I shave my balls
Or because I steal pets from malls
I like him for him
Not because he's fat like Sean Shannon
He has got so much to jizzum
Why does he waste all her time with me
There must be a block comand there that I don't see
He hates me for me
Not because I’m like Jack in that Coo Coo flick
Make him jerk up just like my dick
Unlike that gay Ted guy
But what he sees
Is that I can't live without him
My arms belong around him
And I'm so glad I IMed him once again
IMed him once again
I'm so glad I IMed him once again
Once again
~~~
Beyond The Luke
I love this. Once again, not much to say. It's a fake "trailer" I made to celebrate Hobbes et Luke that has only seen the light of day on the RS.com message board. I still enjoy reading it.
You think you know the whole story. *Boom Boom Boom* But do you know what goes on behind the scenes? Beyond the browser, beyond the Shooters, BEYOND THE LUKE?
Critics are raving about BEYOND THE LUKE.
"...I don't give a damn about your little joke...it's pretty pathetic to mock a dying person"
- Luke Johnston, The Shooters
"But that's just the epilogue."
- Justin Shapiro, nTo poster, BEYOND THE LUKE editor and Jew
"...junior high antics...the shit Hobbes posted on the NTO site was weak and he deserves whatever repercussions he gets."
- Kurt Schulz, Former Webmaster of the Tilde.
"I haven't even read all of those transcripts because there is no me"
- Mike Lavieri, former Emzee employee for a very short time.
"I wash my hands of this one. I don't want anything to do with it."
- Steve Schroeder, webmaster of the evil NANTUCKETWORLDWIDENEEDLEANDTHREADORDER site and that chick wallpaper site that is taking over the world.
"What the hell is that shit? Is that...chocolate?"
- Jake Roberts, former WWF and WCW Wrestling star.
"I think we touched a lot of people tonight, If you don't mind me saying."
- Me
"You are quite ... entertaining. I must give you that."
- Luke Johnston, Head of the Shooters.
Now on DVD and home video. BEYOND THE LUKE.
~~~
Closing Time aka "The time I called Luke's Parents"
I hope you've enjoyed Hobbes et Luke the DVD. It's broken a writer's block I've had for a long time and brought back some nice memories. Oh yeah...
I called Luke's parents once from a payphone.
I did indeed, it was a winter night, long after this ended and while my girlfriend was in a dollar store, I called Luke Johnston's parents. All I got was an answering machine but hey, I heard Luke's Dad's voice and I left a message saying I loved Luke. I don't think I'll ever do it again and I think it pissed off Luke but Hobbes et Luke is a way of life. So go out and live your's now and maybe we'll both meet up again when we're on to bigger and better things. Just one more thing...
If you think I'm honestly taking all of this seriously you're wrong.
But not too much.
Hobbes
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