I AM BACK!!!1!
I AM FINALLY BACK WIT MORE HOT NEWZ!!!!!!!! And I've been gone for MONTHZ because the WWF threatened to SUE me for leaking there storylines! So I've spent the last few months with my hot girlfriend (I'm not bragging but she is HOT!) because I was 2 scared to write Hot Newz! But I reveiced OVER TEN THOUSANDS emailz from Hot Newzaholics (lol) asking me, BEGGING me to return so here I am! And I'm going to continue to report only the HOTTEST most EXLUSIVEST newz 4 my homiez!!!!!!
Chris Jericho is a Christian!!!!!
Brad Shaw beat Brock Lesnar at a house show!!!!!!! And I have an exclusive report from someone who was in the front row at that house show, take it away LITASBOYTOY!
Hey man, I was at a house show IN THE GREAT STATE OF TEXAS and the main event was Brad Shaw versus Brock Lesnar!! And before the match, Brad Shaw said to Lesnar (I could hear because I was in the front row!) "I ain't jobbing to you, BOY, you let me beat you or I'll HAZE ya all night long, BOY!" and then he gave him a really stiff clothesline from Hell and got the win!!!
OMG, Brad Shaw shoots his own angles!
Kane has injured his shoulders doing push ups! and it's a shame because the WWF had come up with a new angle for him that would have been a ratings winner! and the angle was that since X-Punk (lol) stole kane's mask, Kane would come out wearing a mask which was the face of his opponent! so if he was fighting X-Suck (lol!) he would wear an X-homo (lol) mask and say "I am X-Box (lol) and I SUCK IT!" and if he was fighting Triple H he'd waer a Tripel H mask and say "I am the game-uh, I use the knee-uh!".
BIG SHOW'S WEIGHT UPDATE: This week, Big Show (or should I say "big HEAVY show", lol) weighs in at 572 pounds lb!!!!!
BACKLASH RESULTS LEAKED!!!! I found these on a RELIABLE site so I'm posting them here without permission!
Kidman vs Tajiri - Kidman wins when Torrie spits mist in Tajiri's eyes! But it isn't green mist, it's red, white and blue mist! And then she rips off that Japenese robe thing she wears and she's wearing a red, white and blue bikini under it! And she says "this one's for the good ol' US of A" and makes out with Kidman!
Trish Stratus vs Jazz - Molly does guest commentery! And the King keeps asking her "Are you a virgin?" and Molly's all "Don't go there" and King says "Just tell me! It's research for a book!" but Molly's still all "talk to the hand" and then King says "I use my hand when I think about you a lot!" and meanwhile Trish is wearing a LOW CUT top and you can see her cleavage and she wins.
Brock Lesnar vs Jeff Hardy - Brock powerbombs Jeff right threw the ring! and JR says "MY GAWD, IN 35 YEARS IN THIS BUSINESS, I'VE NEVER SEEN THE RING BREAK DURING A MATCH!" and then Brock does a shooting star press~! into the hole in the ring and wins and he is 1 and 0!
Al Snow and Maven vs Gay and Gayer - Billy and Chuck win after Rico hits Al with his hair dryer! And then Rico shaves off Maven's eyebrows and gives him a manicure! Then he says "now your good enough for Billy and Chuck, girl!" and Billy and Chuck carry Maven backstage to do naughty things to him!
Brad Shaw vs Scott Hall - Before the match Brad Shaw cuts a long ramblimb promo about how great the USA is and how they invented freedom. Then he says that tonight he's going to imagine that Scott Hall is Osama Bin Laden and he's going to turn the ring into a fucking parking lot! And Scott wins with his feet on teh ropes.
Chris Jericho comes out! And he starts crying about how he doesn't have a match! But then DDP comes out and says it's not a bad thing that Jericho doesn't have a match, it's a good thing beacuse Jericho always slips off the ropes! And Jericho slaps him so DDP gives him the diamond cutter and says "badda-bing, badda-BANG!"! And there's no match.
RVD vs Eddy Guerrero - Eddy has a new t shirt which says "don't do pain killers, essay!". And RVD wins but then D'Lo comes out and gives RVD his big fat frog splash!
Kurt Angel vs Edge - Chris Benwah returns! and he holds up a card which says "four stars ****" and then Benwah sayz "If I was in this match it would be five stars, eh!" and he hits Edge with the card and the card was made out of steel!
Stone Cold Steve Austin vs The Undertaker - This ones a slobberknocker! and Rick Flair pretends he's going to turn heel on Austin, but instead he hits Undertaker and says "I'm still a face, whooo!" but then Austin stuns him again!
Tripel H vs Hulk "Hollywood Hulk" Hogan - Hogan hits the LEGDROP OF DOOM~! and he's about to win, but Jericho runs in wearing a NWO shirt! but Hogan gives him a big boot, but then Shawn Micheals (!) runs in wearing a NWO shirt! And Shawn gives Hulk the superkick and Triple H wins! Then Jericho and Shawn rip off there NWO shirts and they're wearing DX shirts underneath! And then Triple H puts on a NWO shirt but then he rips it off and he has a DX shirt on underneath! Then CHINA returns and she's wearing a DX bikini! and JR screams "MY GAWD IN HEAVEN, WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS ALL MEAN? WHAT ARE DX!?"!
SIGN IDEAZ FOR RAW!
Planet Stasiak? More like Planet Sucksalot!
Big Show ate everything in my fridge and the fridge itself!
William Regal killed the Queen Mum!
Hey Trish, I'll be your (sex) dish!
SIGN IDEAZ FOR SMACKDOWN!
Yeah Vince, Mark Henry has potential....THE POTENTIAL TO SUCK!
Hogan lowers this show's workrate by two stars!
Christian should throw a SHOOT tantrum due to his lack of a push!
D-Von! Get the bibles!
When Billy and Chuck get silly, Rico watches playing with his willy!
One thing that happened while I was away is that Stephane McMahon and her big boobs are no longer on WWF tv :( Well I decided to get a special interview with Stephanie so I did! And here it is!
Me: OMG, it's Stephanie McMahon!!
Me: First of all I've gots to say that I love your boob job!
Stephanie: Umm, thanks...
Me: Did your dad pay for them?
Stephanie: He sure did!
Me: I bet he likes them!
Me: Nothing! So why aren't you on tv?
Stephanie: I think my character needed a break.
Me: Yeah, your voice was fucking annoying.
Stephanie: I did screech a little...
Me: A little? You could shatter glass! Lol! If you weren't wearing anything hot, I used to turn over to avoid your HORRIBLE VOICE!
Stephanie: Well, at least I got off tv before I out stayed my welcome...
Me: LMFAO! You outstayed your welcome over a year ago! The only reason anyone ever watched you was because they thought your big boobs might slip out!
Stephanie: Hey! Did you just insult me!?
Stephanie: Oh. Please continue then.
Me: So, you write storlines now?
Stephanie: That's right!
Me: So it's your fault that the NWO story has SUCKED ASS!?
Stephanie: I think it's been good!
Me: You think X-Pac is a credible threat? LOL!
Stephanie: I know, he's a skinny little no talent punk. But Hunter likes him.
Me: And Hunter and you do the SEX together!
Stephanie: Uhh, yeah....
Me: I bet he's great in bed!
Stephanie: Can we change the subject?
Me: Okay. Did you write the Kiss My Ass Club angle?
Me: Why did you want your dad showing his ass?
Me: Are you going to finally do an INCEST angle?
Stephanie: YES! It's be great! I'll make out with Daddy in the ring!
Me: LOL! But it's all an act, of course.
Stephanie: Uhh, yeah....an act....
Me: Is Test good in bed?
Stephanie: God, do you think about anything other than sex?
Me: Sometimes I think about boobs....
Me: I love you.
(Phone call ends.)
OMG, I think she likes me!
BACK SOON WIT MORE HIZZOTT NEWZ DOODZ!!!!!
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