KOTR HOT NEWZ!!!!
I am back with more Hot Newz! ANd OMG doodz, teh big newz is that Austin is OUT and Vince Russo is IN! And Vince Russo is the man who killed WCW dead! And I stopped watching WCW when they had those seven young muscular men in tight jeans on all the time (they confused me!) but my friend Nekrophille told me taht things got even wrose after that! Russo had Goldberg drive a monster truck off the roof of the Georgia Dome and he didn't even use a stunt double! And then he had Kanyon jump into the Grand Canyon and into a vat of acid at the bottom! And he had Sting and Vampiro fight in a morgue and Sting hit Vampiro with a dead body! (That last one actually sounds kewl!) So Now VINNIE RU is going to kill the WWF and make Stacy Keibler give birth to a foot :( :( :(
Well Rusoo has already written the booking sheet for King Of The Ring, but Paul Heyman had also written a booking sheet for KOTR before Russo was hired! And my sources got me both of them so now I'm going to COMPARE and CONTRAST the 2 booking sheets!
Test vs Brock Lesnar
Heyman: Lesnar destroys Test and wins in less than 90 seconds. I shout a lot at ringside.
Russo: Okay, get this, Test's new gimmick is that he's Swedish! And he comes down to the ring eating a tray of Swedish meatballs and says he's going to win for Swedland (or wherever the fuck Swedish people come from!)! And since these are too big guys they have a gruelling 18 minutes match until eventually Test hits Lesnar with the meatballs tray for the win!
RVD vs Chris Jericho
Heyman: In this match, Jericho plays the part of JERRY LYNN~! And they have great technical exchanges and then just keep pausing to stare at each other so the crowd can give them a standing ovation. And RVD wins with the Frog Splash.
Russo: I think we need to have a DOUBLE TURN here. Before the match, RVD says "I hate you fans you never visited me in the hospital" so he can get booed, then Jericho says "These fans are cool!" and he gets cheered. And we'll keep this match short, three minutes, four tops, so that the fans won't fall asleep. And Jericho wins with his own frog splash!
Comedy Hospital Skit
Heyman: Maven is in the hospital, when suddenly Tajiri throws him out of bed and locks him in a closet! Then Tajiri turns the lights out and gets in Maven's bed and Torrie Wilson comes in! And she says she has a special surprise for Maven and gets under the convers! Then she says "Your penis got really small all of a sudden"! And Tajiri piledrives her onto the bed.
Russo: Just as Torrie is about to enter Maven's hotel room, Tajiri brutally kicks her in the back of the head! Then Tajiri puts on Torrie's dress, turns the lights off and enter Maven's hospital room! And he goes under the covers and says "time for sucky sucky!" (His new gimmick is that he's a gay Jap!).
The Hurricane vs Jamie Noble
Heyman: They wrestle a great back and forth match for ten minutes. Then Nidia gets up on the apron and takes her shirt off! But she has masking tape over her nipples! And she distracts Hurricane and Noble gets the win with a SWANK~! top rope brainbuster.
Russo: After about 30 seconds of action, Nidia jumps up on the apron and takes her shirt off! But she has two mini Hurricane masks covering her nipples! And this distracts Jamei so Hurrican rolls him up for the win. And then Jamie says "now lets see who you really are!" and he rips the mask off and it's Rey Mysterious Junior! And Rey breaks a pinata over Jamie's head and eats all the candy and leaves with Nidia!
Trish Stratus vs Molly "FAT ASS" Holly
Heyman: They roll around in their underwear while the King shouts "CATFIGHT, CATFIGHT!" and I masturwank. And, uhh, Trish wins with a bulldog or something.
Russo: They roll around in their underwear while the King shouts "CATFIGHT, CATFIGHT!" and I masturwank. And then they start making out! But then Trish tursn on Molly and pulls her pants down and you see Molly's big giants fat huge ass! And Molly goes mad and gives Trish a stinky face!
Tag Team title match
Heyman: Just have Billy and Chuck defend against Spike Dudley and someone like we always did in ECW. See if Balls Mahoney is available.
Russo: Billy, Chuck and Rico come out and say thta they're not doing this gay gimmick anymore and they will use their real names! And Billy says his real name is Monty Sock. And Chuck says his real name is Gaylord Focker! And Rico says his real name is Richard Lover, but his friends call him Dick Lover!
Big Show and X-Pac vs Goldust and Booker T
Heyman: Booker does the spinaroonie five times, to keep the crowd into it, and pins X-Pac.
Russo: Goldust turns on Booker and gives him shattered dreams, then kisses Big Show! And they goldust takes his suit off and he has an NWO shirt on, but it's black and gold! And he gives one to Big Show and now they are the NWO black and gold!
Ric Flair vs Eddy Guerrero
Heyman: They brawl into the crow for ten minutes and come out bleeding. And then the ref is bumped. Flair puts Eddy in a figure four, but Benoit comes off the top with the headbutt on Flair and Eddy gets the pin.
Russo: Okay, get this! We make fun of Eddy's addiction to pain killers! And Flair offer him a bottle of pain killers to throw the match, but Eddy says no (in spanish, of course!). And Eddy tries to hit Flair with Rey's pinata, but Flair gives him a drop toehold right into the pinata! And then David Flair comes out and hits Ric with a STEEL statue of liberty statue and hugs Eddy and says "you are my new daddy, esse!".
Hulk Hogan vs Kurt Angel
Heyman: Angle makes Hogan tap out to the Ankle lock.
Russo: Hogan is wearing an afro wig for some reason! And Angle rips it off, but Hogan has a STEEL wig on underneath and he headbutts Angle for the win. Then he puts Angle in Kurt's own ankle lock and Angle taps out, then he pulls down Angle's pants again, then he sets Angle's wig on fire! And then Kurt cries!
King of the Ring final
Heyman: Brock Lesnar vs RVD. Brock wins with a top rope powerbomb threw two tables and four steel chairs. And I shout a lot at ringside.
Russo: Jericho vs Test. Test goes to hit Jericho with the Swedish meatballs, but Jericho gets his own meatball tray and his Test first and wins! And Test cries because he's let all of Swedland down. Then The Rock comes out to give Jericho the trophy, and he's about to turn it sideways and stick it up Jericho's ass, when Test hits Rock with the meatballs! And Test and Jericho hug and it was a set up all along!
The Undertaker vs Triple H
Heyman: Tommy Dreamer rusn in with his sick bucket and Undertaker chokeslams him threw 5 tabels, then hits HHH with the sick bucket and gets the pin.
Russo: Undertaker gives HHH a chokelsam, a tombstone and a last ride but HHH kicks out at one! And he says "I'm shooting my own angle!" and starts hitting Undertaker with shoot punches and shoot irish whips! But then I run in and say "you will do this job!" and hit HHH with a STEEL pencil (since I'm the booker!) and Undertaker gets the pin. Then I say "now let me introdue my FRIENDZ!" and in runs Matt LeBlanc, David Schwimmer and Mathew Perry! And this will get me over with the kidz! And they start beating the crap out of Triple H and JR screams "GOOD GAWD, CHANDLER, JOEY AND ROSS ARE DESTROYING THE GAME! IT'S NOT TRIPLE H'S DAY, HIS WEEK HIS MONTH OR EVEN HIS YEAR!". JR must use this scripted line to get the angle over!
OMG THAT'S GOING TO OWN ALL!
Sign ideas for RAW
I never liked Austin anyway!
WHO THE FUCK IS THE HARDCORE CHAMPION?
The Hardy Boyz are Hardly boys! Or men! They're girls!
Brock Lesnar, the next SID thing!
Sign ideas for Smackdown!
If I was a dog and Test was a flower, I'd lift my leg and give him a shower!
Let's crucify D-Von!
Hogan is old and likely to die soon!
Vince had sex with my daughter (she's 16!)!!!!!!!
Now for this weeks interview with the Rock! The Rock returned to the WWE on Raw after a six month absence, but Hollywood hasn't changed him one bit!
Me: Hi Rock!
Rock: Actually, I prefer to be called Dwayne Johnson now.
Me: Oh, okay...Dwayne...
Rock: Actually, I prefer to be called the Oscar winning Dwayne Johnson!
Me: But you haven't won an Oscar!
Rock: Well it's only a matter of time.
Me: I see. Anyway, do you consider yourself more of a movie star than a wrestler now?
Rock: Oh, not at all! Sure, I am a big Hollywood movie star now, but the WWF is my home! Wrestling is in my blood, and I swear to God, I will always come home to the WWF and I'll be in the WWF until the day I die!
Me: It's actually called the WWE now, dood.
Rock: It matters not what the name is!
Rock: Wasn't that one of my catchphrases?
Me: Kind of...
Rock: Yeah, I'll be eating pies and cakes and...what was it again? Ah yes, applying the Smacdown to all their cookie butts!
Rock: The bottom line is, I'll be on RAW every Tuesday!
Me: RAW's on Monday!
Rock: That's what I said! And Steve Austin, Jeff Jarrett, Vader and all the rest better watch out!
Me: Nothing. What's been the highlight of your career so far?
Rock: Starring in The Scorpion King, of course!
Me: No, I mean what has been your greatest match?
Rock: Oh that's easy, against Brendan Fraiser in The Mummy Returns! I have to give him credit, he killed me with that spear thing that the British guy was carrying around. Kind of a contrived plot twist, but he still got me!
Me: No, I mean in the WWE!
Rock: Huh? Oh, that. Well I remember a fight I had with some big black guy, what was his name...
Me: Booker Tea?
Rock: Yes that's it, Michael Clarke Duncan! He really applied the Smackdown to my cookie-butt!
Me: Yes he did. So what will you be doing at the King of the Ring tonight?
Rock: What? That shit's tonight?
Rock: But I've got a meeting with George Lucas! I'm going to play a Jedi in the next Star Wars movie. Sorry, but I won't be able to make it to that silly little pay per view tonight!
Me: Well your fans will be disappointed to hear that...
Rock: I'll send Brendan to take my place. He's a good kid and he needs the work. I'd be glad to help him out!
Me: So do you have a message for all your WWE fans?
Rock: Yes I do. Kids, even though I've been appearing on that silly wrestling show lately, don't worry. Because Hollywood is in my blood, and I swear to God, I'll be in Hollywood until the day I die!
Me: That's good to hear...
Rock: And remember, you can see me soon in Helldarado, with that guy from American Pie!
Me: Speaking of American Pie, this one time, in band camp, I turned my flute sideways and stuck it straight up my candyass!
Rock: I don't get it.
Me: Go to hell.
Bizzack soon with a Ask Hot Newz special! Email me your questions, doodz!
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