X-PAC INTERVIEW AND LOTZ MORE!
OMFG! I am back with more Hot Newz!! and the big newz this week si that teh WWE has FINALY took my advice and had some Hot Lesbian Action! It wasnt between Trish and Stacey like me and the King wanted, but it's a start! And now we're one stepp closer to the X-RATED ADULTZ only WWE ppv, featuring real live nudity, that I've been dreaming about all my life!!!!
Nicole Bass is sewing teh WWE because one time The Brooklyn Brawler said "Sweet Jesus she has a penis!" and she dropped her pants and said "No I don't!" and everyone laughed at her.
Billy and Chucky are faces now because instead of acting likes gays they now make fun of gays and that's funny because gays are funny so we can cheer them!
When Kanyon returns, he'll be accompineed to the ring by 2 sexy twins for no apparant reason.
Brad Shaw was vigorously "ribbing" newcomer Christopher Newinnski when he injured his arm!
There's a new annoucner on SMackdown becuze Tony Chimmel was FIRED! Chimmel was caught sniffing Lilian Garcia's chair when she stood up! What a pervert!
DID YOU KNOW...that Booker T's favorite movie is Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion...that Andre the Giant used to wear puffy wigs to make himself look taller...that Torrie Wilson's breasts are bigger than Ivory's but not as big as Trish's...that Kane used to jump off chairs flapping his arms when he was a child, because he thought he could fly...that Chyna and Goldberg are feuding wiht Kronik over the Japanese tag team titels...that Matt Hardy once hid all of Lita's thongs as a joke but she didn't know it was him and reported it as theft to the police...that John Cena has over 10,000 pairs of trunks and they're all specially designed to show his hott ass...that Edge and Christian have a third brother named Jackson and he's a tax insepector?
Unforgiven is today (well, it was on the day I wrote this!) And it was hard to get the booking sheet this time, but usuing all my sources in teh WWE I managed to put it together!! And here it is!!!
Molly Holly versus Trish Stratus
Trish knocks Molly out with a STIFF KICK~! for the win! And then Harvard Chris carries a groggy Molly backstage and sez "Now it's time to unvirginalise your ass!"
Eddie Geurraro versus Edge
Edge wins with Eddy's own frog splash after that bumbling fool Chavo accidently gives Eddy a brainbuster!
Chris Jericho versus Rick Flair
Flair tries really hard not to suck but he still taps out to the Walls Of Jericho. Then afterwards he tries to announce his retirement, but he loses his voice just as he's about to! Then he trips and falls out the ring and lands on his ass! And his new gimmik is that he has comical bad luck!
Kurt Angle versus Chris Benwah
They each do like six rolling german suplexes, then six rolling northern lights suplexes, than six rolling bodyslams and all the fans fall asleep but thenn Rikishi runs in and gives Benwah adn Angle a DOUBEL stink face! And they both tap out becauze of the smell and the match is a draw.
The Anti Un-Americans versus Booker T, Goldust, Bubba Ray and Kane
The Americans win after Brad Shaw comes out and hits Regal with a STEEL American flag!
Billy and Chuck versus Rosie and Jamhal
Billy and Chuck are about to win when suddenly two lesbains run in and start making out! And they make out for ages until finally one of them says "This THREE MINUTE make out session is over!" and she rips her face off and she's Eric Bichsoff! And then Rosie and Jamhal give the other lesbian a super somoan drop thruogh the announce table (Billy and Chuck are paralysed with shock!) and then they pin Billy and Chuck and win! So then Stephanie has to have HLA and LINDA MCMAHON come out! and Linda and steph make out and JR's screaming "LESBIAN INCEST! MY GAWD, BABY JESUS MUST BE ROLLING OVER IN HIS GRAVE" and the King's masturwanking like crazy! But then Stephanie rips her face off and her fake boobs off and it's really VINCE dressed up as Stephanie!!!! And he gives Eric a stunner and he's like "Mess with me daughter, huh? I'll whoop your ass, PAL!" and the humilateon of Uncle Eric has begun!
Tripel H versus Rob Van Dam
Tripel H puts RVD out with the SLEEPER OF DOOM but instead of going for the win, he gets some barber shears and cutz off RVD's pony tail! And then he goes to stab RVD with the shears but RVD gives him a vandaminator kicking the shears right into Triple H's eyes (and he blades above his eyes to make it look real!). And RVD wins, but Triple H is back to full health on RAW the next night and appears in 97% of the show (the other 3% is RVD at the barbers getting a cool new hair do) to get his heat back.
Brock Lesnar versus The Undertaker
Undertaker hits a chockslam and has it won but Paul Heyman pulls the ref out and sits on him so no 3 count. And then Taker hits a Last Ride but there's still no ref. Then he hits a tombstone and there's still no ref! and then Matt Hary version 1.0 runs in and gives Taker a second rope leg drop but he kicks out! And then Lesnar does an F5 but the Taker still kicks out! then he does an F5 on a chair and a shooting star press but Taker kicks out and does the zombie sit-up! And Lesnars jaw drops in fear but then suddenly Sara is shown on teh titan tron and she's in labor! and Lesnar grabs Taker in a bear hug and Taker quickly taps out so he can go check on Sara and Lesnar wins clean!
SIGN IDEAS FOR RAW!
This sign jobbed to Triple H!
You can't see my other sign, because Tripel H is HOLDING IT DOWN!
Triple H put me to sleep...but not with his sleeper hold, with his boring matches and interviews!
Jeff Hardy has HLA with MEN!
The King is stalking my uderage daughter!
SIGN IDEAS FOR SMACKDOWN!
I want Torrie to give me a broncobuster...on my crotch!
OJ shot Rikishi!
Albert is Big Foot!
Funaki speaks better English than Jamie Noble!
Now for this weeks interview with X-Pac! X-Pac was fired by the WWE six weeks ago and hans't been seen since! Let's see what he has to say!!!
Me: OMG it's X-Pac!
X-Pac: Yo. You know man, maybe you should call me Syxx-Pac.
Me: WTF? Why!?
X-Pac: That's my name in NWA TNA, man.
Me: Oh, I don't watch that shit, lol.
X-Pac: Stop talking in acronyms!
Me: I would if I knew what they are! So what do you think is your greatest moment in your career?
X-Pac: Well, it wasn't a match, but one thing that stands out was when we did a parody of the Four Horsemen.
Me: I don't remember that!
X-Pac: Come on man, I was dressed as Ric Flair? "I'm standing here shouting and I have no idea why! Whooooo!"
Me: Oh, you mean when you dressed up as Owen Hart! "Look how big my damn nose is! What the hell am I, a freaking aardvark? Whoooo!"
X-Pac: No man, that was in DX! I was talking about when I was in WCW.
Me: Oh, I never watched that shit either lol.
X-Pac: And besides man, it was Jason Sensation who dressed as Owen, man. I was Mark Henry.
Me: That's right! You showed those black guys!
X-Pac: We sure did! But I'm not racist, man.
Me: Oh, lol.
X-Pac: STOP THE ACRONYMS!
X-Pac: Ask me about my greatest match, man.
Me: What was your greatest match, dood?
X-Pac: Glad you asked, man! It was against Sabu in the indies, back in 92.
Me: Oh come on, let's talk about some stuff some people might have actually seen! Like all those great match you had with Kane!
X-Pac: Yeah, I enjoyed that feud. I don't think he should have ever actually beaten me though! It would have been a much better storyline if I beat him every month then moved up to the main event, know what I mean, man?
Me: Yeah, whatever, so what was Torrie like in the X-Sack? Pun intended!
X-Pac: What pun? And I never actually slept with her.
X-Pac: No man, we were up all night!
X-Pac: Hey man, I warned you about that...
Me: What? Nevermind, how come you stopped being cool and started being an annoying little shit?
X-Pac: I was never annoying, man, the fans booed me but they loved me really! They just chanted "X-Pac sucks" and "DIE X-PAC, DIE" and "THIS MATCH SUCKS!" to help me get over as a top heel, man!
Me: Oh. You know, I was glad you refused to put over that cockinass queer Jeff Hardy!
X-Pac: Hey man, nothing personal against Jeff, he's a good kid, man...
Me: So is Billy Kidman!
Me: A good kid, man!
Me: Please continue!
X-Pac: Yeah, as I was saying, he's a good kid, but at that point I was like the number 2 heel in the company man, behind only Tripel H man, so I couldn't be jobbing to any fruity kid like Jeff Hardy who's only been in the WWF for five years, man, that would be career suicide!
Me: Speaking of Triple H, is it true that you used your friendship with him and his relationship with Stephanie to avoid doing jobs?
X-Pac: No! That's a bunch of bull, man! Okay, so one time I was supposed to lose cleanly to Booker T, and I mentioned to Hunter that I didn't want to do that, and he went to see Stephanie then I heard her moaning in pleasure, then the match was changed so that I beat Booker clean in thirty seconds. But that was just a coincidence, man!
Me: Okay! So what does "your ass is grass and I'm gonna smoke it!" mean?
X-Pac: To tell you the truth man, I don't even know! It was just something that came to me when I was smoking...well, better not say that...let's just say I was hitting a phattie if you know what I mean, man.
Me: You were beating up a fat guy? Cool! I hate those fat bastards! Give one an X-Factor for me!
Me: I liked it when you said shizz-nit, that was cool.
X-Pac: Everything I did was cool, man!
Me: So why did X-Factor suck so much?
X-Pac: They never gave us enough mic time, man.
Me: Are you saying X-Factor would have been a success if they'd let Justin Incredible and Albert talk more?
X-Pac: No, those two suck on the mic, I mean if they let ME talk more, man!
Me: Ah. And your gay entrance music didn't help either.
X-Pac: Hey, I loved that song! I got everything I ever wanted, and I'm never gonna give it back...I used to sing it in the showers backstage all the time, man.
Me: LOL, you must have looked like a total homogay!
X-Pac: Don't call me that!
Me: What, a big queer homogaysexual?
X-Pac: Yeah! I've got no problems with gay people man, but if anyway calls me one, I give them three kicks and a broncobuster...and don't say the broncobuster's gay!
Me: But it is!
X-Pac: IT IS NOT! Anyway, I've got to go bail Scott out of jail man, so...
Me: Are you gonna give him a naked broncobuster?
X-Pac: That's it! This interviews over, never call me again!
Me: What did I do!? Did I use an acorn-mine again?
I promised not to call him a homogay in this artical...but I bet he's at least a bicuriousexual if you know what I mizzean!
Bizzack Sizzoon with more HOTT NEWZZZZZCRZ!!!!
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