You are here
Guest Columns

Hot Newz




OMFG, it's time once agayn for everyone's body to come aboard teh Hot NEEEEEEEEEEWZ train! Are there any markz up in this HIZZOOOOUSE? Well get the F out you cockinass queer MARK ass!! JOKE LOL! Everryone's welcome to reed Hot Newz, including marks, smarts, smarks, smart smarks, mark smarts and especially hot chicks! ;) ;)

The biggest newz this week is taht RAW was the worst show in WWE history for the tenth week in a row!!! So Vince is going to make some radical changse to turn things around. First of all, Pete Rose will become the third commentator and spend the whole show arguing with Jerry Lawyer. Also, the Nitro girls will return annd be renamed the HLA girlz and simulate lesbian sex live on air! And finally Tripel H will host a 30 minute secteon each week where he SHOOTS on his fellow wrastlers called "shooting from my mouth!" And he'll talk about how Chris Jericho is too short and gay to ever be a main eventer and give GRAPHIC details about his sex life with Stephanie McMahon! I cant wait!

The team of Ron Simmonds and Devon Dudley will be named Ebony And More Ebony!

Maven will hav a beard and even fuller eyebrows when he returns and his gimmik will be that he walks around backstage asking people to stroke his facial hair!

Stacy Keibler has been officially deklared the hottest biatch in me and my two friendz! Congradulateons, Stacy!

No Mercy is this Sunday! ANd my cousin's best friends brother's girlfriends mom works as a cleaner in Titan Towers and she managed to gett a copy of the actual No Mercy booking sheet and she Faxed it to me! (Well, to my dads office!) And here it is, wizzord for wizzord!

Torrie Wilson versus Dawn Marie

Torrie hits a few spinning neckbreakers, then goes to the top rope but Al Wilson runs in and shoves her off the top and Dawn wins. And then Al and Dawn are making out but Torrie says "momma's here, Dad!" And her Mom can be played by a big fat black woman with bleached blond hair and Tazz can say "I can see the family resemblance!" And she kicks Al in the crotch and spits on his neck then Rikishi comes in too and Torrie, Rikishi and Torrie's fat black momma give Dawn a triple stinky face!

Christ Jericho and Christian versus Booker T and Goldust


Trish Stratus versus Victoria

Nobody's going to care about this match, so have Victoria rip Trish's top off and Trish wrestle in a bra, and then Victoria bites her ear and gets disqualified.

Rob Van Dam versus Ric Flair

Flair can't bump anymore so have RVD kick him in the legs for ten minutes, then make Flair submit to the figure four. And then afterwards they have mutaul respect and they shake hands but then Triple H runs in and says "mutual respect THIS" and destroys them both with his sledgehammer! And then on RAW we could have RVD and Flair versus HHH in a handicap match but Flair turns on RVD and kisses HHH and then we can do RVD/Flair for the next three months!

Edge and Rey Mysterio versus Chris Benoit and Kurt Angle

Give them 20 minutes to have a great match. Unless we're running late and need more time for the Undertaker match, in which case cut this match to 4 minutes. And at the end Eddy and Chavo walk out wearing LWO shirts and Rey's confused because he can't remember if he liked the LWO or not and Benoit rolls him up for the win.

Backstage bit with Matt Hardy and Randy Orton talking. This will be hilarious! They'll both be all arrogant and say funny stuff! Like, uhh...

Randy: Can you teach me how to do that second rope like drop?

Matt: You don't have the Mattitude to pull it off!

Stuff like that! LOL! Ad lib the rest.

Triple H versus Kane

Kane is beating the snot out of HHH so HHH tries to run away but The Coach drives down in a forklift and caries HHH back into the ring! And Kane is about to win but then Hurricane runs in and for some reason Hurricane has breasts! And Hurricane slaps Kane then rips his mask off and he's a woman! And Kane says "Katie Vick!? But you're dead!" (Suggestion for a JR line "THAT'S GOTTA BE KATIE, THAT'S GOTTA BE KATIE!") Then Katie starts making out with HHH and Kane passes out in shock and the Game pins him!

Then backstage Triple H throws the Intercontinental Championship belt into a trash can! Then he pours gasoline into the trash can and sets it alight! Then he puts the fire out and smashes up the burnt remains of the can and belt with his sledgehammer! Then he gets into the shower with Katie Vick and three other hot women!

The Undertaker versus Brock Lesnar - Hell In A Cell

Undertaker hits Lesnar with the cast for about ten minutes, until Lesnar finally manages to CHEW the cast off Undertaker's arm! But then Undertaker chokeslams Lesnar and reaches under the ring and pulls out a cast wrapped in barbed wire! And he hits Lesnar with it then starts rubbing it against Brock's forehead! (Suggestion for a JR line "BY GAWD, HE'S CARVING HIM UP LIKE A CRIMSON CHRISTMAS GOOSE!") But then Undertaker accidently kicks the cell and one of the walls falls down! So Lesnar climbs up to the top of the cell to get away from Undertaker, and Undertaker climbs up after him but Matt Hardy was hiding on top of the Cell! But Taker hits Hardy with the barbed wire cast and then throws him off the top of the Cell 17 feet down into the crowd! (We'll put some stunt men in the crowd to catch Matt.) Then Taker and Brock go back into the cell and Taker chokeslams Brock and Last Rides him, then tombstones him, then tombstone him again onto a chair, then takes the barbed wire cast off and tombstones Brock onto it! But before he can go for the cover, a video starts playing on the big screen and it shows Tracey in bed with The Undertaker! And she goes under the covers and says "Don't die on me, Mark!" and then Taker in the video says "I think I'm having a ressurection!" then Tracey says "Ooooh, Dead Man SCREWING!" And in the ring Taker's like "damn!" And then Sara comes walking down crying like a woman and slaps Taker! And Taker says "It wasn't me, it was Brian Lee!" but Brock sneaks up behind and picks a side of the cell and drops it right on Taker's bad hand! And then Sara sits on Taker's bad hand (remember she's pregnant so she's really heavy) and he taps out and Brock wins! Then Sara says "Life's a bitch and so is your wife, you cheating bastard!"

But who is the Father of Sara's baby!?!?!?!?1


Kane murdered my wife on the dentist's chair!

Kane raped my sign!

William Regal = Osama Bin Regal!

Jeff Hardy takes drugs...and IT up the ass!

Rand Orton needs to wash his hair!


I slept with Undertaker too! (Only hold this one if you're a girl, duh!)

I'd gladly have a threesome with Jamie Noble and Nidia just for a shot at tapping Nidia's ass, hint hint! (Might be too long to use!)

Tazz speaks funny...because he's a RETARD!

Edit this sign out in post production!

I'd gladly have a threesome with Dawn Marie and Al Wilson just to...eww, what am I saying!?

This week's interview si with former tag team championz and former gayosexuals Billy and Chuck!

Me: You look sooooo...GAY to me!

Billy: Uhh...

Chuck: Hi?

Me: LOL, hi doods! Just a little Hot Newz humor! So, how's things?

Billy: Well, I injured my shoulder for like the 47th time!

Me: That sucks, dood. Maybe you need a shoulder transplant?

Billy: I don't think they exist...

Me: Whatever, Chuck, is it true that you're a former WCW world champion?

Chuck: Well, technically yes...

Me: LOL! They must have been really desperate for champions if they gave you the belt!

Billly: Why do you keep saying LOL? What does that even mean?

Chuck: Hey wait a minute, you're that stupid kid Booker T warned us about!

Billy: Yeah! Hot Newz, isn't it? From SLASH SLASH DEATH KILL Wrestling?

Me: That's right, LOL.

Chuck: You told us you were Bob Ryder!

Me: Well you may as finish the interview now!

Billy: Yeah, okay. But don't make fun of Chuck anymore!

Me: Okay, I won't make fun of Chuck. So, Billy, you used to be named the Ass that because you love hot male ass?

Billy: Look, we're not gay. It was just a storyline.

Chuck: Yeah, we only acted gay on tv for a while...and in public sometimes. Didn't want to break kayfabe!

Me: What do you mean?

Chuck: Well, this one time we were on a double date with these two girls and a fan spotted us and shouted "Hey, aren't you two homos?" so Billy and I had to make out for five minutes and touch each other until he went away. But we didn't enjoy it!

Billy: Not at all! And if I was gay...I probably wouldn't want to make out with and touch Chuck anyway. I'd want to make out with and touch Kurt Angle. But only if I was gay, of course. But I'm not, so I don't find his ass sexy!

Me: Of course not. So, out of all your tag team patners, which one would you say was the best looking?

Billy: Definitely Bart Gunn!

Me: But he was your brother! INCEST!

Billy: He wasn't really my brother, man.

Me: Oh. So it was just a coincidence that you both had the surname Gunn?

Billy: Uhh....sure.

Me: So Chuck...uhh...

Chuck: All your questions were designed to make me look stupid, weren't they?

Me: Yeah! Oh, I just thought of a serious one! Who do you think is the best wrestler in the WWE?

Chuck: That's got be Kurt Angle! He's so awesome, I wish I was as good as him.

Me: Yeah, you totally suck when compared to Kurt! You'll never have a match half as good as his worst match!

Chuck: Shut up!

Billy: Yeah, show some respect, it's not like Chuck is the worst wrestler in the WWE or anything.

Me: Yeah, you are! You couldn't even have a good match with Chris Benoit! I could prbably have a good match with Chris Benoit! Big Show could have a good match with Chris Benoit!

Billy: My shoulder was injured going into that match! Probably.

Me: So do you guys get lots of offers from gay men wanting to sex0r you?

Chuck: Yeah, I just take it in my stride and politely turn them down.

Billy: Yeah, me too. Well, sometimes I feel sorry for them and let them fool around with me a little, but not often. Probably only once or twice a week! Maybe three times. Possibly four times a week. But that doesn't make me gay!

Me: If you say so, LOL.

Chuck: So, do you want to know about my time in the Power Plant?

Me: You used to work in a power plant? Kewl!

Chuck: Sigh.

Me: What does the future hold for Billy and Chuck?

Billy: Lots more tag title reigns! I'm trying to hold the tag title more times than I've injured my shoulder, but I've still got a long way to go.

Chuck: I'm just enjoying being a part of the WWE family.

Me: That's nice. I'm sure you guys will become the number one tag team on Smackdown again soon...

Billy: Thanks.

Me: ...if Benoit and Angle, Edge and Rey, the Guerreros and D'Von and Faarooq all leave or die!

(Phonecall ends.)

Back sizzoon with even more Hot Newz for my homies!!!!!!!

Hot Newz
Hot Newz

Mail the Author


Comment about this article in Wienerville



Design copyright © 1999-2002 Christopher Robin Zimmerman & KZiM Communications
Guest column text copyright © 2002 by the individual author and used with permission