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Chris Hyatte



What Would Jesus Do? And how to book it.

Wrestling is filled with angles. Old angles, recycled angles, discarded angles, and ridiculous angles. The general rule is, "If it works, keep bringing it back.". Well, in their never ending quest for original, "baileys" programming, I have a new, controversial angle for the WWF to use. It's never been tried before and it will cement them as THE BADDEST Bad Boys in Entertainment.

Hire Satan. Then bring in Jesus to combat him. The REAL Satan and the REAL Jesus...not Kevin Sullivan and Goldberg.

Here's how to do it. In a month by month layout, because Wrestling is always structured around a monthly PPV.


They played with this last year, turning the Undertaker into a Demonic figure who made his disciples drink his blood and crucified his enemies. Then the UT went and got himself hurt. Well, bring him back, just as mean and evil as ever. He's got Midean, Viscera, and a few other mid carders following him again (not the Acolytes, because their Barroom Brawling characters are doing fine on their own). Give him Gangrel, Stevie Richards, and...oh...I don't know..throw in a couple of workers from Cornette's Southern camp, or give HBK a call. I'm sure Shawn Michaels would be thrilled to give as few of his Indy Workers a shot in the spotlight.

Then have the UT say that the "Real Higher Power" is coming. The "Real Higher Power" is ordering him to lay the groundwork for his eventual return. It's important to make sure to say he's "returning", because it'll make everyone think it's McMahon. Have the UT start showing up with a big Snake every so often, but make sure to call it a Serpent. A Serpent in the WWF Paradise. You couldn't set up a better metaphor.

Of course, Vince denies all this. Austin may not be wrestling, but he can damn sure show up on TV every so often just to say that he doesn't trust him. Shane, Stephanie, Linda, and the Stooges aren't sure what to think anymore. Nobody really believes Vince anymore. Is he the Higher Power again? Is he telling the truth? What's the deal? Meanwhile, the Internet is SCREAMING "Been there, done that!", yet, they can't seem to switch over....yet.

This goes on few a couple of weeks. UT keeps up his head games. Vince finally goes crazy and during the ROYAL RUMBLE attacks the entire "New Ministry" one at a time with a baseball bat. The last two men in the match are Vince and the Undertaker, ending with Vince having the UT in the ring, handcuffed to the ropes, all bloody, shaking a bat in his hand and screaming, "YOU TELL ME WHO IT IS!! TELL THEM IT'S NOT ME DAMMIT!!!!!! TELL THEM IT'S NOT ME!!!!!!

A voice booms throughout the arena, "IT'S NOT YOU..IT'S ME!!"

A Creature comes out from backstage, enters the ring, waves his hand and the UT's handcuffs simply drop free. He cradles the UT in his arms and all the blood simply disappears. This creature has the traditional horns, beastly face, perhaps a tail, and he's all red. He needs no mic as he bellows, "I AM SATAN!! IT WAS ME ALL ALONG!!!!" Ross creates new forms of Blasphemous Hyperbole by screaming, "WHAT IN THE NAME OF HEAVEN'S HOLYNESS IS THIS ALL ABOUT??? IS THAT??? THE FALLEN ANGEL LUCIFER?????" .


Satan makes his presence known throughout February. He opens the show in the ring with a mic. Saying that yes, he's the real deal....then he can thank everyone watching for being unrepentant sinners who basically ignore the Ten Commandments. Who indulge in lying, cheating, stealing, whoring, boozing, pornography, gay sex, and other forms of stuff the Bible clearly prohibits. He promises that World domination begins right there in the WWF and there is nothing to stop him. Throughout "Smackdown", he starts recruiting even more names. This time, much bigger stars. The British Bulldog would be perfect here, after Satan promises that He will "bring him back"; which, of course, will send the audience in a tailspin of speculation. Is it Bret? The Dynamite Kid? Oh no...not OWEN??? Satan can also recruit Val Venis, promising an endless supply of the most incredible women in creation; Chyna, promising respect from the male species; and The Big Show , promising the return of his Daddy. The Bookers can play with ALL of this...because almost every character has a history that Satan can use for enticement. The show ends with Kane deciding NOT to join up with Satan and his brother. Since Kane's character has always been associated with Hell, it'll be a neat swerve and great irony.. USA phone lines basically explode within minutes. Meanwhile, Bret Hart and Goldberg and Kevin Nash are fighting in a 3 Way dance for the WCW title and nobody notices

Okay, this all leads to the big PPV match, the one right before Wrestlemania. It's Vince and Austin Vs The Undertaker and Beelzebub, with the winner getting the WWF title. The build up here is that Austin may not give a damn about anything, but he knows to always back the Lesser of two evils. He may not be the most religious of ba$tards, but he's always up for a fight. Vince is in this for obvious reasons, the biggest being he has done some bad things in his day, so this may be his way of reaching salvation. The undertones are incredible. Nobody can stop talking about this. DDP Digest shuts down because nobody cares about WCW anymore so nobody visits them.

The PPV main event results in Vince TURNING ON Austin. Then he and the Undertaker beat the crap out of Stone Cold as their Lord Satan watches. The audience is assaulting the ring with debris. Vince grabs a mic and says, "I SOLD MY SOUL A LONG TIME AGO AUSTIN, NOW I CONDEMN YOURS TO HELL!!!!!! They hold up Austin so Satan can pull out his heart. Austin kicks and spits in Satan's face. Austin instantly becomes the most popular figure in entertainment EVER. A few seconds later, Foley, The Rock, and a whole host of WWF stars run in and save Austin. The lines are clearly drawn.

The next night on RAW. Vince comes out with Satan, UT, and the Ministry. He says that he is a businessman and this was strictly business, but Austin really ticks him off so there is some personal stuff involved too. His family comes out to the entranceway to ask "Why Vince? Why?" Austin is out and he immediately challenges Vince at Wrestlemania to a "Hell in the Cell" match. THEN, Austin suggests a DOUBLE "Hell in the Cell" match involving Satan and an opponent "to be named later". Satan laughs at this and says "bring it on".

By the way, Vince awards Satan the WWF title, since he turned on Austin and pinned him, Vince is WWF champ, but the Master gets it. Also, Christian turns on Edge and joins the Ministry, setting up huge mid cad feud. Satan also offers to repair Jim Ross's face and bring back his parents, in exchange for turning on Austin. Ross spends a few weeks thinking that over, then decides to stick with Austin, in a touching bit of melodrama.


The first two weeks are spent pondering who Satan's opponent will be. Satan is non-plussed. Every so often, an Angelic Glow will emerge from the backstage. Ross will speculate that they are having lighting problems. Since every WWF star has chosen a side, Wrestlemania is shaping up as a killer card. Austin seems to be back and full strength, Ross boasts that Doctors are calling it a "Miraculous" recovery.

With two weeks to go before WM, Mick Foley and Austin are tagging against UT and TBS in the RAW main event. Satan is the guest ref. In a funny bit of silliness, while Cactus Jack and the Old Mankind are on the side of Satan, Dude Love and The Corporate Mankind are against him, making for some schizophrenic comic relief.

Cactus Jack emerges as the dominant persona here and the three men proceed to wail on Austin. Satan is busy tying his shoe in the corner. Then, the glow emerges from the backstage again. It gets brighter and brighter. Soon, it engulfs the whole arena, yet nobody complains of blindness. Then the light goes out and.....

Standing in the ring is none other than Jesus Christ. In white robe, long hippie hair, the beard, skinny as know the drill. He places a hand on Cactus Jack and smiles. Mick Foley emerges as a whole person, and firmly against evil. Jesus gives TBS a Powerbomb, then kicks UT and gives him a Stone Cold Stunner. Vince comes out, Austin lays him out. Satan and the Ministry walk up the ramp towards the back. Satan is looking at Jesus with a look of shock and rage. Ross screams, "STONE COLD AND CHRIST!!! STONE COLD AND CHRIST!!! STONE COLD AND CHRIST!!!!!!" The show ends.

The last "RAW" and "Smackdown" before Wrestlemania is, of course, built around the emergence of Christ. He spends the two shows saying that Satan should have never have showed up on Earth, and he was there to stop him. He formally re-names "Hell in the Cell" "Heaven in a Cell", because Heaven kicks Hell's arse six ways to Sunday. We have our double main event and all the players set in.

At Wrestlemania, we go through the undercard. Christian upsets Edge, Patterson kills Brisco (the Stooges chose up different sides. Brisco stayed with Austin's camp while Pat went with Satan, for obvious reasons). Shane McMahon turned his back on his Father and was crushed by the Big Show. The Rock fought The Undertaker, Mankind fought HHH (who stayed unusually quiet during all this, keeping DX as a separate entity all together), etc...etc...etc.

Austin, of course, beat Vince in the first cage match. Vince fought like a man possessed, probably because he WAS a man possessed, but good triumphed over evil in this one.

In the second match, Satan was clearly the Heel, but heard a buttload of cheers too, much to Ross's chagrin. Jesus wasn't used to physical force, but took some mighty bumps. In the end, Satan was getting ready to re-enact the Crucifixion, but Austin ran in and stopped it. Jesus flew out of the cage and up into the rafters, then gave a Superfly onto Satan from THE RAFTERS AND THROUGH THE TOP OF THE CAGE. The impact caved in the ring an both deities were nowhere to be seen. Jesus's hand emerged from the hole. The crowd pops. Austin tries to get a couple of beers, but his Beer cooler was empty. Jesus lifted Ross's cowboy hat off his head and started producing brew from it, (Lawler chided Ross about it for weeks afterwards), Austin and Christ drank two six packs each in celebration.


This month was spent in celebration, of course. Evil was vanquished and good reigned supreme. Jesus Christ was the new WWF Champ. Satan and Vince was fuming. UT made it his mission in life to destroy Austin for ruining the Crucifixion. The post WM PPV was a rematch between Satan and Christ for the WWF strap. The Ministry experienced major infighting as there were defections galore and new people coming in. HHH split in a major way as HHH and Road Dog hooked up with Satan while Billy Gunn and X-Pac sided with Christ. The Rock was torn between the two camps and ended up making his camp the third option, because he always had a Messiah Complex anyway.

Meanwhile, Satan starts messing with Jesus's head, talking about a "Judas" who will emerge and betray him, again. The fans start's GOT to be Austin, he isn't the Holiest of sorts, he'll turn on Christ readily. Or maybe it's Foley? Mick has never been the most balanced man on the planet? Perhaps it's Shane? Kane? JIM ROSS??? Everyone wondered.

Now, here is the KICKER. The PPV rematch, which still got the people's attention, but not at severely as the WM big one was on. Many folks yawned that Vince obviously had no clue what to do after Wrestlemania, so he's just repeating himself. Christ was readily dismantling Satan, who no longer seemed as powerful as before. People sat on their hands during this. Satan getting beat again....who cares?

Then, The Undertaker and McMahon run out to try to save Satan. Austin runs out to stop them. All 5 men are in the ring. Ross screams, "WILL ONE OF THESE GUYS TURN ON JESUS??? WHO IS IT??? WHO IS THE JUDAS???"

Suddenly, Jesus clears the ring and pins Satan. Satan looks like he's jobbing, but that could be chalked up to inexperience. After the match, Jesus and Austin share more beers, these pulled out of Lawler's crown, much to Ross's delight.


The PPV ends with Satan and Jesus giving Austin a SPIKE PILEDRIVER ON THE CEMENT FLOOR!!!!!! Ross screams, "DAMN JESUS, DAMN HIM ALL TO HELL!!!" (Jimbo is never allowed in a Church again. His parents are summarily exhumed and shipped back to his front door. Later, Jimbo becomes a Scientologist)



Then he told the fans to go screw themselves. Later that night, he and Satan won the Tag team belts. Satan also won the European strap.

Meanwhile, Vince was loving it, but the Undertaker wasn't too thrilled with being the fourth man down the list. After all, he started this.


Not much to note. The Undertaker turned against Jesus and Satan and hugged Kane in the middle of the ring in a tearful moment. Austin was nowhere to be found. The Rock and Foley did most of the heavy work here, but Jesus and Satan basically owned the company.


Summerslam's main event is Jesus and Satan Vs the Undertaker and Kane for all the Gold. On the undercard, Shane finally gets a shot at his Father for control of the company.

During the Father/Son match, Stephanie ran out to try one last time to reach her father. She erred and cost Shane the match...or did she?

Satan came out during that match and seemed to take notice of Virginal Stephanie for the first time. Which infuriates Test. Stephanie, by the way, has become the leader of the Group OPPOSING the "Heaven/Hell Connection". Linda has been driven insane and has also become a raging lush, by the way. Nobody doubts that Jesus had a hand in that.

During the main event tag team match, UT and Kane pull off a SHOCKING UPSET after UT pins Christ. Satan accidentally clubs him with a Crucifix (Jesus's one (psychological weakness.....two pieces of wood crossed together is his Kryptonite), Jesus goes down and is Tombstoned for his first loss ever. After the match, Jesus and Satan argue. Vince breaks them up.


The RAW after Summerslam involves Jesus and Satan arguing some more. The Smackdown after that involves Jesus going after Stephanie full steam. He wants to marry her and use her as a vessel to sire the "Anti-AntiChrist". Of course, Satan wants Stephanie for himself. Vince is caught in the middle here. deciding that he doesn't need Satan anymore and beats the Unholy crap out of him. He is cast OUT of the WWF in much the same fashion as he was cast out of Heaven. Symbolism aplenty as Satan never enters a WWF arena again. Jesus is now full on evil and takes Stephanie as his wife.

Of course, Vince is ballistic. It's his daughter after all. We may have more dissension in the ranks.

Meanwhile, Satan is seen in the Nitro audience, just watching the show and smiling for the camera. Tony Schiavone announces that "WCW IS BACK!!!!!"


As they gear up for the next Wrestlemania, things progress steadily. Christ has married Stephanie and has impregnated her. Vince has now denounced Christ and has joined on the side of the Mortals. Lines are drawn anew. Meanwhile, they have no sponsors anymore, every RAW and Smackdown is now commercial free. Yet, T-shirt sales are skyrocketing and every single House show sells out, so it balances out.


The Royal Rumble has been changed to the "Holy Rumble", as Jesus announced that the winner of the Rumble will get a title shot at Wrestlemania. Jesus defended the belt against Vince and Shane in a handicapped match. During the match, Vince goes under the ring and produced a Crucifix. After a few moments where he emotes his newfound belief in God, (to which, Jesus screamed, "HE CAN'T HEAR YOU VINNIE!!!! MY DAD STILL AIN'T LISTENING TO YOUR BULLSH&*") He whacks Jesus with the Cross. Jesus goes down. Vince goes for the pin, but Test runs in and drops him with a Flying Elbow. Then Shane rolls Christ on Vince and Jesus wins again. Shane has turned on his father again.

During the Royal Rumble, the last two men were the Undertaker and the Rock. After a few minutes of brawling, we hear the glass break. Austin runs in and drops the both of them. The crowd goes berserk. The match is a no decision. Ross was so happy to see Austin back that he dropped dead from a heart attack just before the show ended.


Jesus opens up RAW by saying that since nobody really won the Royal Rumble, he gets a free ride for Wrestlemania. Vince came out and said that since he still had control of the company, he has arranged a four way death match for the next PPV. Austin, the Undertaker, and The Rock will fight. The winner gets a WWF title shot at Wrestlemania against the Son of God.

Jesus asks who the fourth will be? Vince says that he will find out when he's DAMN GOOD AND READY to tell him. Jesus is so mad he snaps his fingers and Vince's toupee flies off and shoots out of the building. A bald Vince runs backstage and is never seen again for the rest of the night.

The fourth man turned out to be Mick Foley, because not every new development can be a total shocker, dammit.

Austin won the thing too, but not before Christ came out with a newly resurrected Jim Ross, who tried to chair Austin but hit Mick Foley instead.


Wrestlemania is upon us. It's Austin Vs Christ for the WWF World Title. During one of the Smackdowns, Christ came out and cut a standard promo about how Austin can't swing with the REAL big boys. Austin came out and said, "Well, Jesus Jesus Christ! if you're that confident, why don't we make this a "Crucifixion Match"? The Loser has to be crucified on the following RAW?" Jesus takes a couple of weeks, but eventually agrees.

Business as usual in the weeks leading up to it. During assorted RAW's and Smackdowns, Vince is seen having conversations with his Toupee, which had mysteriously returned. The funny thing is, the Toupee is always on fire....yet it never burned up.

Wrestlemania! The big doggy. It's subtitled " The Last Crusade". The press has never stopped clamoring about this all year long. Now it's time to wrap things up. (Internet reports that Jesus's contract is up the day after this card, so all bets are on Austin).

The Second from the top match, right before Austin/Christ, is Vince and Shane against the Big Show and Stephanie. Having the Anti-AntiChrist in her womb has effectively turned Stephanie Heel. TBS and Stephanie were busy killing the McMahon boys, when suddenly, the Burning Toupee flies out and attaches itself to TBS 's face. Paul Wight (who had since changed his name to Paul Blakk to show off his new evil ways) stumbled around the ring with a burning Wig on his face. Shane chaired him and he went down. Vince took a bottle of Holy Water, screams, "I'M DOING THIS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD STEPHANIE!!"...mutters, "I hope this works!", then opens the bottle and shoves it down her throat. Stephanie drinks deeply....then rolls around the ring and starts gagging. Next thing we know, she is regurgitating something. The camera goes close as she vomits a bloody glob. She coughs out the last bit of gunk. The bloody glob starts skittering around the ring, screaming in pain. Jesus emerges from the backstage and screams, "NOOOOOOOOO!!!" Then the burning Toupee flies off TBS's face and attaches itself to the glob. Then it flies up and out of the building with the Glob. Some folks say they heard the Glob crying, "DADDY, SAVE ME!!!!!!!", but that could have just been piped in.

Now we have the main event. Having lost his seed, Jesus is ripped. He tears into Austin as if this was his Last Supper. Austin is piledriven not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES IN A ROW!!! Jesus paraded around the ring proudly as Austin laid broken in the center. Yet Austin kept trying to get up, even though he seems clearly paralyzed from the waist down.

Another piledriver. Austin is really struggling to get up

Another piledriver.

And another.

And another.

Now Ross seems to be coming to his senses. "Good God, God...STOP THIS NOW!!!"

Jesus grabs the mic and announces that he doesn't want to wait until RAW tomorrow, he's gonna Crucify Austin right NOW! He has his "Apostles" (whichever wrestler currently on his side) carry down a Cross and set it in the ring. He orders his people to lay Austin on the Cross, then someone produces three large stakes and a big mallet. Even though a Cross is his weakness (it is explained by a VERY confused Ross that Jesus didn't have much luck with a Cross 2000 years ago, so it must be all psychosomatic) Jesus is able to use the Mallet and drive the stakes through Austin two hands and through his feet laid together. The Cross is raised upright and Austin is Crucified. Jesus wins again....

Or does he?

Vince McMahon runs out of the backstage followed by the Undertaker, Kane, and a whole slew of WWF Superstars. They charge the ring and begin fighting with Christ's Apostles. The Apostles are chased away. Jesus is in the ring with a Crucified Austin and is now surrounded by Vince's Army. He's screaming, "I KILLED YOUR HERO!!! I KILLED YOU'RE GOD!!! WHO'S NEXT NOW?? BRING IT!!!"

Very calmy, Vince puts his hands together and bows his head. The other wrestlers follow suit. Ross screams that they are praying for Stone Cold. The fans join in, the entire building grows silent in prayer. A few pagans started to chant, "BULLSH&%, BULLSH&%", but were quickly and discreetly ejected.

Jesus is staring at Vince screaming, "I TOLD YOU ALREADY!!! YOU SOLD YOUR SOUL YEARS AGO VINNIE MAC!!!!!! HE'S NOT LISTENING!!!" His back is turned away from Austin, who seems dead.

A Blue light shines from the ceiling, yet nobody knows the source (or..the match is being held in an outdoor arena, and it's a ray of sunshine!). The Light is directly on the Cross and Austin. Austin stirs. The blue light grows stronger, Austin stirs more. Jesus isn't paying attention.

Suddenly, the light intensifies. Austin struggles against the Cross. He is mad as Hell and seems fully healed. He is pulling and pulling at the stakes, seemingly oblivious to the pain. The fans start stomping their feet wildly. Ross starts shrieking "STONE COLD IS FIGHTING BACK, STONE COLD IS FIGHTING BACK!! GOOD GOD, THE AGONY HE MUST BE GOING THROUGH!!!!"

In a final burst of strength, Austin breaks apart the Crucifix and yanks himself free. Christ is still taunting McMahon. Vince smiles and says, "Turn around, you sonofab&%h!" Jesus turns around and.....

Two middle fingers.

Kick to the belly.

Stone Cold Stunner.


Wrestlemania ends with Christ defeated and the WWF in celebration. Ross is so elated he craps his pants. Hours later, he finally noticed.

On RAW the next night, in a huge ceremony, Christ is Crucified again. Vince's flaming toupee returns again, and turns into a crown of thorns. Jesus tried to fight, even going so far as to piledrive Austin again. Austin stood right back up, gave him another Stunner, and personally staked his feet. Vince staked his one hand and the Undertaker staked the other. As he hung there in the middle of the ring, that blue light re-appeared. Jesus stared upwards in horror and screamed, "I AM DYING FOR MY SINS, I AM DYING FOR MY SINS!! FORGIVE ME FATHER, FOR I HAVE SINNED!!"

A DEEP voice from nowhere and everywhere erupts, "I FORGIVE YOU, MY SON! BUT I'M STILL GONNA TAKE THAT THORNY CROWN, SHINE IT UP REAL N, AND STICK IT STRAIGHT UP YOU'RE CANDY A$$!!!" Much to the crowd's delight.

Then the light becomes blinding, nobody can see through it.

Then it goes out, suddenly, and without warning. The ring is empty. No Cross, No Christ, nothing.

The show ends. So doesn't the angle.

What? Too controversial? Think of the RATINGS, people!! The RATINGS!!!

Because it's all about the ratings, don't you think God knows that?

This is Hyatte, and I'll be very surprised if SCOOPS posts this.


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Guest column text copyright (C) 1999 by the individual author and used with permission