Dear John is an advice column by Johnny Lemont Blutarsky. John is a eleventh year junior at Faber College. He is not a certified psychologist, but 6 years ago he had a psych class which he attended at least 7 or 8 times. John is a fan of the Atari 2600, Kirstie Alley, tetherball, and of course, Pro Wrestling. He also works part-time at his father's "Diff'rent Strokes & Facts of Life Wax Museum". All questions for John can be emailed to corngoodness@hotmail.com for consideration, and possible enlightenment.

About a month ago, my girlfriend broke up with me. Since then, no girls in school will talk to me, and I see people looking at me and laughing. I don't know why she left me, but the last night we were together, I had trouble....well....getting aroused. The guys I hang out with treat me like a leper, and my rep is gone. What can I do?

Signed, Embarrassed in Elmira

Dear Embarrassed,

I have three words for you that will change your life!

"RELAX WITH TRUDY"!!

We all remember the late Adrian Adonis, right? This guy was tag champ with the great Dick Murdock, and before you know it, he was, well...batting for the other team, if you will, carrying around that mysterious briefcase emblazoned with the motto "Relax With Trudy". He could kick ass, sure! He had friends, who didn't care about his sexual preferences. The thing is, he came out of the closet, and there was no more whispering! Hey, having a rep as a fruity butt-kicker is better than having no friends and a rep as a fruity...um.... whatever you are. Know what I mean?

Hope this helps!

John

I have one of the two leading roles in our school play. It was so awesome being in the spotlight. About two weeks into rehearsals, the female lead bowed out of the play, and I got my girlfriend the part. Things were so cool, until she got to the scenes where she had to make out with the other male lead. Within a week, she dumped me for him. I don't want to quit the play, but I can barely stand the sight of them together, knowing she is rightfully mine! What can I do?

Signed,
Upstaged in Utah

Dear Upstaged,

Let me share these 5 words of wisdom with you:

"KEVIN", "SULLIVAN", "WOMAN", "CHRIS", and "BENOIT".

You are not the first person to fall into this "guy loves girl, guy gets girl good role, girl has steamy scenes with other guy, girl ditches loser guy for new cool guy" situation. It does happen. As all of us know, the chump Kevin Sullivan got his wife a key part in a decent angle, and that meant that she was going to "leave him for the other guy" in the angle. Who was the other guy, you ask? Duh, it was the Crippler, CHRIS FRIGGIN BENOIT, the MAN! What chick wouldn't leave a loser like Sullivan for Benoit? It happened, and she just had his baby, not too long ago, for they have been happily together for years. What should you do? Rest assured that your ex-girlfriend will probably grow old happily with her new boyfriend, bear his children, and be forever thankful to you for getting her the opportunity that sent her down the path of eternal happiness. Be happy for them both.

Hope this helps,

John

I have this problem with my head. Not mental, or anything like that, but I keep getting these headaches. Whenever something makes even the slightest contact with my head, I go down like a rock, with blinding pain. Have you ever heard of anything like this?

Thanks,

Pained in Peoria

Dear Pained,

I think I know exactly what is wrong, and I have the cure for you! What you have is similar to what Lex Lugar had for his whole career: Oversellaritis. This is a rare disease where whenever someone makes the slightest contact with you, or even comes within 10-inches of any part of your body, you go crashing down to the ground in a heap. Rest easy though, there is a cure! To rid yourself of this annoying habit, you have to embody the spirit of - you guessed it - SD (Special Delivery) Jones! If you can concentrate, watching all of his great matches, you will be able to take the most vicious blows to the head...and it will make you stronger! You will find this surprisingly easy, plus it will save you countless hours of therapy and prescription costs.

Hope this helps,

John