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John C.

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THE JOHN REPORT
An Evening With The McMahon Family

I'm sure all of you have wondered at some point in your life what an evening would be like with the McMahon family so in today's column I'll give you a look at what goes on in the lives of wrestling's first family. Here she blows...

(It's Sunday night just after 7pm with the McMahon family watching Sunday Night Heat in the living room. In the living room are Vince McMahon, Linda McMahon, Shane McMahon, Shane's wife Marissa, Stephanie McMahon and her boyfriend Triple H).

Vince: "You know guys, I think tomorrow's Raw is going to be great."

Shane: "Yeah dad, I know it will. You're the greatest dad in the world!"

Vince: "Thanks son."

Shane: "Since you're the greatest dad in the world I was wondering if you can put Marissa back on WWF TV. You know, she's a really happy person and I think our viewers liked her on Livewire."

Vince: "Shane, you ask me this every day but today I'll be honest with you. She has no business being in the WWF. You know why? Because her breasts are too small! Look at them! WWF fans want big breasts dammit!"

(Marissa leaves the room in tears.)

Shane: "Oh great, looks like I'll be sleeping on the floor again."

(Shane chases after Marissa.)

Vince: "Look at that, Terri Runnels is on Heat. She's got a nice rack doesn't she? Those implants are beauties. I remember her ex-husband Dustin. I almost convinced the guy to get breasts implants but he ran away before we could get the surgery done. Now that would have been an awesome gimmick! Imagine his promos. He could say, 'I'm the BREAST there is, the BREAST there was, the BREAST there ever will be!' HAHAHAHA! Screw you Bret Hart!"

Linda: "Vince, how come you say that about Bret? Let it go, it was four years ago."

Vince: "Bret screwed Bret! Bret screwed Bret!"

Linda: "Vince, honey, I was wondering when I could be on WWF TV again? I read all the emails from the fans who love my promos and I feel like I should grace them with my presence again."

Triple H: "Are you serious? You think you cut good promos? If anything, the fans want me back because I'm the Game! If you don't believe that just ask your daughter. Tell her Steph."

Stephanie: "Tell her what?"

Triple H: "Tell her that I'm the Game!"

Stephanie: "He's the Game."

Triple H: "Damn right."

Stephanie: "Although he wasn't last night."

Triple H: "What did you just say? Are you disrespecting the Game? One time Jericho did that so I beat him at Fully Loaded last year and..."

(Howard Finkel, dressed as a butler, rushes into the room with a phone in hand.)

Howard: "Mr. McMahon, you have a phone call."

Vince: "Who is it?"

Howard: "It's Jerry Lawler."

Vince: "Oh yeah, tell him that we don't have a spot for him in the WWF anymore but I'm sure that he can find a job babysitting little girls. He likes that sort of stuff doesn't he?"

Triple H: "Good one Vince."

Vince: "My name is Mr. McMahon dammit!"

Triple H: "Sorry Mr. McMahon. I remember one time when Jericho disrespected me and..."

Linda: "Why do make everybody call you that Vince? There are no cameras in here."

Vince: "That's what you think! Those PTC bastards are probably stalking me again. They're just jealous of my empire."

Linda: "You mean OUR empire."

Vince: "Yeah, sure I do." (Vince rolls his eyes) "So Linda, you want to know why you aren't on WWF TV?"

Linda: "Because I don't have breast implants?"

Vince: "Bingo!"

Linda: "Always with the breast implants."

Vince: "Even if you had them nobody would pay attention to you. I know what WWF fans want and that's big knockers on young bodies! They don't want to see your old, wrinkly ass out there. They want to see hot babes like Trish Stratus or Torrie Wilson making out with Mr. McMahon. Now, get your ass into the kitchen and bake me some cookies!"

Linda: "Oh, please. We've been married for over 30 years and I've never cooked for you. I'm going to buy myself another fur coat."

(Linda leaves)

Triple H: "You showed her Vince! It's kinda like the time when I made fun of Jericho because he wore lifts. Haha, he's so short. What a loser!"

Stephanie: "Daddy, how come you made me get breast implants?"

Vince: "I didn't make you. You got them on your own, remember?"

Stephanie: "Uh no, it was all you. You brought the doctor to the house, you gave him a giant briefcase full of cash and if I recall you were even there when he performed the surgery."

Triple H: "Oh dad, she's just being na´ve. Can I call you dad?"

Vince: "No, my name is Mr. McMahon dammit!"

Triple H: "Sorry, sorry."

(Triple H's watch starts beeping.)

Triple H: "Oh, it's time for me to take my medicine."

Stephanie: "Yeah sure, medicine. Honey, I mean the Game, the drugs you are taking aren't exactly medicine."

(Triple H ignores Steph and pulls out six different bottles filled with pills)

Triple H: "Finkel, you Jericho loving bastard, bring me some water. If it's not THAT DAMN GOOD then it's your ass!"

Stephanie: "What does that mean?"

Triple H: "It means that Chris Jericho will never be the WWF champion as long as I'm here!"

(Vince gives a puzzled look to Hunter as Stephanie moves closer to her dad. Triple H mumbles incoherently to himself saying the word "Jericho" every few seconds.)

Vince: "As I was saying honey, I was only at the surgery because I wanted to make sure that the doctor performed the surgery correctly. If there's one thing I know it's breast implants!"

Stephanie: "Dad, how come you talk about breast implants all the time?"

Vince: "I just think they are pretty, that's all."

Stephanie: "Daddy, you're lying again."

(Vince stands up.)

Vince: "You want the truth? The truth is that I'm infatuated with breasts. There, I said it. In fact, once in a while I think about getting breast implants myself."

Stephanie: "You want breasts?"

Vince: "Yeah, I think I'd look good in a D cup. Those Wonderbra's look mighty comfortable."

(Out from behind the couch Shawn Stasiak pops up with tape recorder in hand.)

Stasiak: "Haha, I knew all this recording would get me something good. Bret Hart will pay me millions for this stuff. Screw you Vince!"

(As Stasiak turns around Rhyno, dressed in a security guard's outfit, comes charging at him and drills him with The Gore. Out of nowhere Paul Heyman emerges yelling "GORE! GORE! GORE!" Rhyno takes out the tape and starts munching on it as Heyman takes him out of the room.)

Vince: "Come on Steph, let's go up to your room again so daddy can try on some of those bras."

Steph: "Oh God. I wish I was adopted."

(Vince and Steph leave the room. Meanwhile, Triple H is holding pills in his hand while Howard Finkel waits patiently with water in hand.)

Triple H: "Alright Howard, pass me the damn water."

Finkel: "Here you go Mr...um...Game."

(Triple H takes a sip.)

Triple H: "This is too cold. Are you trying to kill the Game or something? Did that asshole Jericho send you? I'll bury his ass so far that he'll never..."

(Triple H does his normal pose with the water and spits it up in the air. He kicks Finkel in the ribs and hits the Pedigree on Finkel through the coffee table. Finkel lays motionless on the floor while Triple H starts writhing in pain.)

Triple H: "Ahhhh! My leg! It's Jericho's fault! I'm the Game dammit! You can't do this to The Game!"

(Out of nowhere Pat Patterson comes up from behind Hunter, who can't seem to move because of his leg.)

Patterson: "Now it's MY TURN to play The Game!"

Triple H: "NNNNNOOOOOOOO!!!!"

Smell ya later,

John C.
Big3 Oratory

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Guest column text copyright © 2001 by the individual author and used with permission