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Angry Johnny




People didn't seem to get that you can love something and still criticize it. - Evan Dorkin, creator of Milk & Cheese. He also created the strip that the new show "the Eltingville Club" which debuts on March 3 at 11:00 p.m. on Cartoon Network. You better watch this more than you did The Tick. Oh, and p.s. Survivor SUCKS.

I used to call these Reality Checks, but by God I'm sure there's another guy calling his column that and therefore I have a new name for these. It is often said that the WWF reads some online columns and tries to keep on touch with their smart audience. The joke about Hall not drinking at the NWO PPV proves this to a point. But I doubt they'll EVER stumble across my column. So why do this? Is anybody gonna read it? Who knows, I didn't even get one hate letter last time. Therefore this is now known as...

PISSING IN THE WIND IN THE YEAR OF TWO THOUSAND AND TWO. But since evn I don't wanna type that twice I'll call it PTWY2K2. Enjoy. Kane sucks.

The following is a collection of random thoughts, nowhere near my usual format, but I figure I better get at least one column out a month. Some of this was lifted from reviews for Raw and Smackdown three weeks back that I never got around to posting.

I.You know, the storylines talk about Test having immunity, but if anybody has any actual job security in wrestling it's Big Bossman. This guy has been consistently working since the 80s. With a workrate that just boggles Hayabusa's fans minds no less. And his nightstick shots still look faker than Val Venis' bulge. I ashamedly admit I kind of admire the guy because he's like the cockroach of wrestling. Dinasuars gave way to the young hungry mammals but he just won't go away. Plus his little speech about the law in the Wrestlemani theme is classic for bringing up so many old memories. But we live in the future now don't we? Oh wait. N-W-Oh god they ran out of ideas...

II.HHH beat the crap out of Christian. I've talked about Heel/face mechanics before, I might as well do it again. Let's break down this scene.
1.HHH is a face
2.Christian is a heel
3.Christian tries to console HHH in a face-like manner
4.HHH attacks Christian for no reason, like a heel.
It's like a bizarro world. And BTW why did Edge and Christian just stop feuding??? They coulda squeezed a couple more PPV matches outta that had they not decided to treat the Invasion period as a parallel (but far less entertaining) universe.

III.This may run into the realm of fantasy booking, which I won't do for fear of lack of quality, but wouldn't DDP make a great manager for Jericho? He could hand the Diamond Cutter to Jericho as torch of sorts thus solving Jericho's finisher woes. I thought of this because the stunner reminded me of Mick Foley's finisher contingency:
the best finishers are quick, appliable to anyone, very painful looking, very easy to fake, and come from nowhere. Good ones:Stunner, Diamond Cutter, Mandible Claw, Evenflow (that's right EVENFLOW) DDT, Fameasser, Superkick, X Factor (but X Pac soon to be Styxx again still sucks). Bad ones:People's Elbow, Worm, any top rope move that's not a springboard except the Fivestar, anything that Kane would do. Class dismissed. Billy? You have your hand up. What is your question? Oh, you don't know who Styxx is? Maybe this class is too advanced for you.

IV.You think if they'd hire Paisley they'd give Crowbar and Daffney work. Tell this to Crowbar the next time you see him giving a three star match in a high school gym. And try not to think of the fact that Godfather's one note character got back on TV while you're doing it.

V.Kane and Big Show have officially moved into Chris Jericho's apartment in the Mid Card Hell Housing Projects. Upon hearing of their arrival, every toilet in the neighborhood gained sentience and killed themselves.

VI.In some circles it is aid that evry time Goldust cuts another interesting promo the front office wonders if they can put his brain in Jeff Hardy's body and legally dispose of Jeff Hardy's brain, Goldust's body, and Matt Hardy. Don't be surprised if Jeff acts differently and Dustin and Matt vanish after the WWF Asia tour. But remember you heard here first, and not from Apter.

VII.Vinny vinny ding dong banana fanna fo ping pong has decided to kill the WWF with the N-W-O. Like the Invasion, I smell a quick entertaining starting period and then a booking nightmare. Only this time we might get to deal with the CLique and Hogan's egos. Unlike the Invasion though, if this makes the WWF tailspin it'll be not in a fish dying in the desert way, but in a Fear Factor type way that is rather enjoyable to watch despite being horrific. Can't wait.


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