Look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again.
Wisely improve the present. It is thine. Go forth to meet
the shadowy future, without fear.
I.Look, almost EVERYONE is bitching about Wrestlemania. No build up, no workrate, pointless feuds, and so on. The saddest thing here is that these people have a point. The WWF is stuck in some weird copy of a copy of the past. They redid the Austin stunts with an Angle twist. They're redoing the nWo... kind of. You can look at a billion different things in the WWF and ask yourself a billion different questions. Can Hall make it to Wrestlemania? Should the Hardyz turn heel? What can save the tag division? Why don't they push the cruiserweights. All valid things. But ask yourself this if you haven't:
WHERE IS THE FUTURE?
Surely it can't be any of the guys like Austin who've doing a bang up job but are working on borrowed time. Surely it can't be the guys jobbing in two minutes like Lance Storm. It is highly unlikely that it's someone like Mr. Perfect, Goldust, or the nWo. Yeah they could be world champ tomorrow and you could say "JOHNNY IS FULL OF SHIT" if you don't get what I'm saying. Any one of these guys gets the belt and a comparison is made to the past. At least five major columnists I know of have made remarks to the post Invasion era as an Attitude rehash. When Attitude was happening, even during it's low points (Luna anyone?) we didn't look back and say "Hell this Austin/Hart match is just a redux of Hogan/Backlund" or "this Shawn Micheals is just another face in the crowd". But I look at what's up now and I almost always see the past. You can rip off your own material. You can do what's already been done. But you HAVE to do it in a way that is satsifying enough almost no one is paying attettion to the stitches in your Frankenstein writing/booking. Do I condone the gravedigging the WWF is doing? Nah. Do I understand it? Yeah. Could they do it better? Hell yeah. What is the future of the WWF? Is it Jericho? Not the way they're treating him now. Can Jericho live up to the hype the net gave him all these years? That IS a lot of hype. Is it Angle? We would certainly hope so. He's a ring general, a delight on the mic no matter how poor the material he's given is, and the ultimate dork heel. But guess what? Not everybody who works their ass off gets to the top. Not even close. Are the Hardyz the future like so many marks claim? Not in my opinion. No matter how you sugar coat his accomplishmants I don't think Jeff is the next Shawn Michaels. And why the hell would he want to be? Everyone who supported Chris Jericho and said he could be the next Shawn is now bitching and moaning that he's the next Shawn and not as good as Shawn. What's wrong with being the first Jeff Hardy? Well aside, from blown spots and a tired moveset with too muc risk not much. I know what I think the future is for sure. It's called the split. But just like the pushing of the cruiserweights and the return of Shawn Michaels, I'll believe in the split a few weeks after it happens. I'm not holding my breath.
II.I said this during Invasion but I might as well make my point again. The best thing Mark Calloway could do for wrestling is to job to Page like Nash did. A lot of power moves, dominate the match, but BOOM. Diamond cutter. He never sees it coming. And just like that, the jobber is a threat. Not a loser, not a joke, not an inferior. A THREAT. Overnight. See 1-2-3 Kid. Why they rehash so many things and yet not go back to the well on this one puzzles me. And for all you Marktaker marks who've hated every word of this, know this:as the Phenom, he was my second favorite WWF worker. I counted the days till his return. And all he did was disappoint. My favorite WWF guy? Mankind. Mick Foley, who I KNOW did the right thing by jobbing to Triple H on his way out. He elevated Hunter. Just like Undertaker could elevate someone. Who would eventually elevate someone else. The Jindraks, Awesomes, and Kanyons of the world need to be elevated. Undertaker isn't going to slip any distance down by bringing these guys up. He doesn't need it. THEY DO. And that's all I've got left to say about Mark Calloway. I'm sure he's a great man, a good worker (he did work the Hell in a Cell with a broken ankle), and a team player. He just needs to show it.
III.Enough serious talk! Back to cheap jokes! Now that they've ruined Taker, let's ruin Kane! I mean, all he was was a 3rd rate Taker so let's make him a 3rd rate NEW Taker. That's right, let's make him a biker and use a Kid Rock song for his theme whose name becomes his moniker even after Limp Bizkit's "My Generation" becomes his theme. Think of the possibilities,
JR:It's Kane, the Bullgod!
JR:The Devil without a Cause is clearing house!
JR:What a chokeslam from the Early Morning Stone Pimp!
Actually that last one would be funny. But only becuase I'll never get tired of hearing JR say words like pimp in his trademark Oklahoma accent. I swear to God he must be the only worthwhile thing to ever come out of that God forsaken state. What about Goldberg you say? Does it hurt to be that stupid?
IV.The LH Division has a problem. Other than the fact that it might no exist or that it coexists with the cruiserweight division. And no, I'm not gonna bitch or complain about lack of TV time or push, that's too easy. Let's adress something hardly ever brought up.
PROBLEM:Whoever holds the LH Belt ends up booking the matches. Jesus, you'd think a man who built a bilion dollar industry would know that the you don't let the inmates run the asylum. Especially when the inmate is in an unstable division that's constantly suffering cuts and lack of TV time. First, Taka, then Malenko, God knows who else(probably Rios too), and now X Pac. You gonna put anyone over when it means that you could be off TV mere days afterwards? And being off TV means you could be released in weeks? [Heck] no you ain't, they ain't either.
SOLUTION:Hire Terry Taylor to book the division.
V.Short but sweet quick shots:
I hope Jericho retains though he has very little chance.
I wish Hall/Austin was a ladder match.
I wish the tag match was a gimmick match of somekind.
I know CRZ has a thing about ads but I'd like to praise "Rits Bits Sandwiches Smores" and "Jello Family Size Pudding tubs" which both might make me a hefty 135 pounds someday.
That's all for now.
Comment about this article in Wienerville