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Billy Bob Kane




            I think by this juncture we all must have heard it a thousand times. The indications are there. They patterns are there. The sophomoric, juvenile, partially-retarded booking habits wherein the promotion hotshots a dozen months worth of angles into one show and still fails to provide the rating bump that the Rock V.S. Shane McMahon got last year the night after Backlash is there. Yes, it seems obvious. Those who haven't implied it are thinking it, but are too religious to blurt it aloud.

            Vince Russo is back in the WWF.

            I mean, hell, it seems like it could happen. After all, if there's anything Vince McMahon likes, we can prove conclusively that, given the evidence, it is flagrant and shameless ass-kissing. He has his whole damned roster do it on every mainstream media appearance they get. How many times does one man have his employees refer to him as a genius before he gets the urge to take over the world? I mean, I don't see presidents of divisions in Microsoft calling Bill Gates a genius, but he's made a truckload more money and had an assload more success than McMahon ever had, or ever will have. That said, it could not be more apparent that Russo didn't just kiss McMahon's ass after he realized his immature, ill-plotted garbage didn't draw a dime more than what Kevin Sullivan was booking in the regime before, and for that matter, didn't improve the dressing room morale significantly either. Frankly Russo French kissing McMahon's ass plus McMahon loving to have his ass kissed equals Russo booking last night's hotshot-fest.

            However, I do not believe it. If it had been Russo, I think we would have seen an entirely different show. Let see how, for example, the Undertaker/Shane/DDP swerve might have gone down if Russo had truly booked it. >Click<

JR: 'Oh Mah Gawd! He just diamond cut Sara! What's this? Diamond Dallas Page is ripping off her clothes! What in the hell! He's stripped her naked. Now what's he doing? Diamond Dallas Page is....He's having sex with an unconscious woman! That bastard!'

Heyman: 'Puppies!' >Click<

You see? Russo's edge, his over-the-top antics were not to be found last night. Through the use of amazing internet technology, though, I can prove it once again. Let's watch Russo's rendition of one backstage Austin/Angle/McMahon backstage segment. >Click<

Austin: 'Tell this sombitch to get his ass out of my face.'

Vince: 'I don't know, I kind of like the look of his ass in your face.'

Angle: 'I'll put my Olympic ass in any face I want.'

Austin: 'Well, it sure is a nice ass, son. I might have to open up a can of lick-ass.'

Angle: 'Well, Stone Cold, I might enjoy that. It's true, it's damn true.' 

*Angle's face is zoomed in on, showing pleasure. Vince uses the word 'faggot' enough times for the fans to chant it at Kurt Angle when he comes out for his match. Russo later explains his philosophy by saying that 'it got Booker T over'. He doesn't see any problem with it. GLAAD does. Russo calls them faggots in a 'shoot'.* >Click<

I hope my point is made. Vince Russo is not to blame for last night's hot shot fiasco. Further proof of this is no transsexuals performed oral on anyone, DDP did not urinate on the Undertaker's bike, no women wrestled in mud or pudding, and no one hit a midget with a guitar. What? You still think it was Russo? Darn. I guess once more, I shall have to use technology. >Click<

JR: ECW has reformed, and is aligned with WCW! Stephanie is the boss of ECW! What else could happen here tonight?

Loudspeaker: N......W........O!

*Out comes Kevin Nash, Scott Hall, Jeff Jarrett, and the Harris Brothers, along with Konnan and Rey JR., not to mention Sting, nWo Sting, Blond Sting, Sting formerly of the Police, Yugi Nagata, a pile of 'foreigners who can't draw money since they can't speak English', as well as Michael Wallstreet, Macho Man, and three naked women with no connection to the storyline. They enter the ring, and instead of fighting, join with WCW and ECW.*

JR: Mah Gawd! What the hell! How will the WWF survive? What's gonna happen next?

Loudspeaker: >Horse hooves clopping.<

JR: It's the Horsemen! The Horsemen, except none of them is Ric Flair. Oh well, he's old.

(The New Horsemen enter the ring, with their leader, Buddy Landel. Russo believes no one will be able to tell one Nature Boy from another.)

JR: What else could happen here tonight?

Loudspeaker: AWA! AWA!

JR: Here comes Verne Gagne! Here comes Greg Gagne! Here comes....Jimmy Blackwell! Here comes....Well crap, I guess that's all Verne could get!

JR: What else could.....

Loudspeaker: WXO! WXO! WXO!

JR: It's Ted Dibiase! He's got Dan Severn! The Beast! He's got Sweet Stan Lane! The Bully Barry Darsow! What a wild night! He's even got Bill Watts' kid!

Loudspeaker: NWA! NWA! NWA! (Note: The NWA, AWA, and WXO themes all have the same music.)

JR: It's James E. Cornette! Here comes the Rock and Roll Express! I can't believe Gibson is still breathing! And their world champ, in case no one knows who he is, is none other than Steve Corino!

Loudspeaker: SMOKEY.....MOUNTAIN......WRESTLING!

JR: Oh Mah Gawd! It's James E. Cornette! Two Cornette's! He's been cloned! And out come the Heavenly Bodies. Boy, the ring is getting full!


JR: It's Stu! It's Bruce! It's Keith! It's Smith! It's John! It's Paul! It's George! It's Ringo! Yes, even the adopted Ringo Hart is here!

Loudspeaker: Marty! Marty! Marty!

JR: It's Marty Jannetty.....For no apparent reason! (When Marty jumps into the pile of people in the ring, the ring breaks. Stone Cold stuns Vince, turning face, comes out and beats up everybody without being punched once. Then David Arquette rolls up Rhyno, Booker T, and Austin, and becomes the Triple World Champion. >Click< And I mean >Click<.

There you have it, proof positive that Vince Russo was not the booker for last night's WWF angles. Though, if you think about it, he might as well be.

Billy Bob Kane

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