OBSERVATIONS FROM A PPV
Yo, what's up? Here's my audition of sorts -- I'm interested in doing a sports guy like commentary-laced PPV review mainly consisting of the banter between my friends and me. We went to Unforgiven today, and here's what I remembered off the top of my head . . . let me know if the concept interests you.
Went to WWE Unforgiven (PPV event) at the Staples Center today because my friend Dave got the tickets to his firm's luxury box . . . pretty fun, until the cop-out matches at the end. There were some Filipino chicks in the luxury box I was in who were huge Rikishi fans . . . just goes to show there's no accounting for taste, which I'm not sure should be a source of hope or despair. I said to my friends "man, I wish there were some huge fans of Kaientai -- after all, I basically AM Funaki." And lo and behold there was one chick wearing a Kaientai t-shirt . . . she was hideous, just my luck. OK show with terrible ending, where Undertaker beat Brock Lesnar via DQ. DQ. At a freaking pay per view. Unreal. One highlight was seeing Shaq there -- surprisingly, his favorite wrestler is the Undertaker. Shaq's favorite wrestler is a seven foot, 320-pound overweight stiff whose sole asset is his size? What's THAT all about?
It was fun though, because without Jim Ross, we got to provide our own running commentary.
Un-Americans v. Bubba Ray Dudley, Goldust, Booker T and Kane
Me: "Blond white guys from Canada and England playing the evil foreigners . . . man, political correctness has gone too far. This doesn't even make any sense."
My friend Dan: "Yeah, where's the Iron Sheik when you need him?"
Me: "No kidding. Man, that guy would be a killer heel right now."
Dan: "Assuming he's not stabbed to death by some crazy fan."
Me: "There's no assuming about it. Why do you think we have evil Caucasians instead?"
Edge v. Eddy Guerrero -- Guerrero, the supposed heel, gets way more cheers than Edge, a supposed monster face. Edge does get the biggest pop of the night from the women in the crowd (RVD is a close second, nobody else even comes close. Well, except Rikishi, in a very localised area of the Staples Center).
Me: "The WWE thinks that a Mexican will get booed in LA, and you wonder why ratings are going down."
(Dueling "Edd-y" and "Eddy sux" chants"
Me: "Interesting how the "Eddy sux" chants are an octave higher than the "Edd-y" chants."
Dan: "Yeah, I guess we know which gender keeps Edge in the upper part of the card."
Me: "If Triple H has any illusions that 'roiding up appeals to anyone other than narcissistic men and gays, you'd think the audience reaction would buy him a clue."
Dan: "That's assuming he cares about impressing women, as opposed to narcissistic men and gays."
Rosie and Jamal win, the Filipino chicks go wild. Rikishi hits a stinkface on Eric Bischoff, the Filipino chicks go wilder:
Dan: "Man, I've never seens chicks with such a thing for fat Samoan guys. For god's sake, they've got a sign with pictures of Rosie and Jamal on it. Where the hell do you even get pictures of Rosie and Jamal?"
Me: "I don't know if the fat part is optional. Having a thing for unfat Samoan guys is like digging Asian guys over 6'3. You may as well have a crush on Batman."
Triple H v. RVD
My other friend David (total mark): "Man, RVD is getting all the offense."
Me: "Well, long PPV matches are rough for Triple H since he only has four moves. So he has to kill a lot of time selling moves for the other guy."
My friend David: "Well, if he's going to get beat up the whole match, then he has to win. Otherwise, it doesn't make any sense."
Me: "Why do you think he doesn't learn more moves?"
(Triple H wins)
Chris Benoit v. Kurt Angle
(Angle puts Benoit in the crippler crossface. Benoit takes it for about two full minutes)
David: "Man, I wonder what Benoit's thinking, taking his own finisher."
Me: "Probably, 'man, this really doesn't hurt . . . no wonder it never works.'"
(Angle hits 4 rolling Germans, gets two)
David: "That move must really not hurt. But it looks like it hurts. Why am I supposed to believe that four of those can't get a two count when the Angle Slam knocks a guy out for like half a minute?"
Me: (speechless - you know, sometimes marks understand what's wrong with wrestling a lot better than smarts)
Undertaker v. Lesnar:
(Undertaker hits a big boot and goes for the pin, gets two)
Me: "Hulk Hogan's in his rest home screaming at the TV "drop the leg, you gotta also drop the leg brotha!"
(Undertaker hits a second big boot 30 seconds later and goes for the pin, gets two)
Me: "Hulk Hogan just threw his walker at the TV, yelling "Jesus Christ drop the fricking leg brothaaa!!!!"
(Undertaker hits a THIRD big boot a minute later followed by the leg drop. It gets two)
Me: "Hogan just called Austin to ask if he can borrow the Stone Cold Stunner, since he's not doing anything with it."
Dan: "Except stunning Debra when he's drunk."
(seemingly hours of slow brawling follow)
David: "Man, this is boring."
Me: "I know. This is so unentertaining that it's actually sucking out previous times that I've been entertained out of my soul."
(Match ends in DQ, crowd boos the hell out of the show)
Me: "Well, the match was dull, but at least the ending made nobody happy. This finish makes booking a Mexican-American as a heel in LA look like the freaking original NWO invasion in terms of smart booking."
Dan: "Man, that was a miserable ending. I feel horribly ripped off."
Me: "We didn't pay to get in."
Dan: "I know."
David (after the show, totally serious): "Man, I really dig Stephanie McMahon. She's hot, and she's the only one who can act."
Me: (Speechless, internally taking back the thing about marks understanding anything)
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