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Jay Kyle




Now Godfather you listen to me, Nobody enjoys a good time more than I do. But this business of yours, is as legitimate as a three-legged donkey. Which of course is illegitimate because, as we all know, donkeys have four legs.

Lance Storm, Raw 12/21/02

I'll put it up....but man, this is pretty weak.

CRZ, on my last Reality Check

What CRZ said was true. My last outing was a tad juvenile. Most of my opinions were just little jabs with no follow through. This time, I plan to elaborate more. Also, I'm gonna start screwin' with my trusty format (this is like my 15th RC if only my second on slashwrestling) I'll still make 5 points, but I'm gonna vent about a number of non wrestling items too. Some of you may remember I started my last column with a quote from The Tick, I could've done that this time except that show has been cancelled because the majority of my fellow humans are addicted to Survivor on account of the worthlessness of this species. When the dolphins take the planet, don't be surprised.

1. I'll begin by expanding on a point I alluded to last time. Paul Heyman IS WITHOUT A DOUBT A BETTER COLOR COMMENTATOR THAN JERRY LAWLER. And oh yes, I can hear the marks screaming at me now, screw em. This is why:

    A. Marks should hate the color commentator, and the play by play guy should be liked. The Heel/Face dynamic in announcing is key. If you don't believe me, listen to any match announced by JR and Cole. TRAIN WRECK. Newsflash: Marks love Lawler. Almost everybody likes him. Hell, even I do. But they despise Heyman. They cried for Heyman's blood the day he sat down to announce, demanding Lawler's return. When Tazz brought in Raven to feud with Lawler, marks winced with every Evenflow* and Tazzmission. When Tazz choked out Heyman the marks ate it faster than Kane eats pills. They cheered when Heyman left. They cheered when Lawler came back. Who the hell do you THINK is the bad guy here?

    B. The play by play guy should have friction with the color commentator. It doesn't have to be real, although that helps. Lawler and Ross are good friends. Even your average Big Show mark can tell that, and those people think he invented the Final Cut. Ross HATES Heyman. Heyman is to Ross as the mongoose is to the snake, Ted Turner is to Vince McMahon, fire is to water, Keith fans are to CRZ supporters, and good music is to Creed: Natural enemies. They don't like each other, and they (Heyman and Ross) play off each other well. Even in kayfabe Lawler and Ross get along well.

2. Many people ask me, why watch the WWF if you complain so much? Newsflash Numero Dos: I was a Texas Rangers fanatic till the Strike in 1994; If that doesn't tell you I'm a fan who'll sit through the good and bad what will? But you still need a reason? Jericho. Chris Jericho. Sure they won't let him win fairly against the Brooklyn Brawler (who is unfairly left out of every WWF Video game. Fred friggin' Durst but no RVD??!!), but his promos have been getting better. Sure Stephanie gets 3 segments a show, but Heck, the crybaby is back, and that just warms the heart. It may be slightly disappointing that he dropped a good deal of his high-risk offense. But everybody except Bret Hart and Hulk Hogan wrestles with less risk and effort at Main Event level. And Hogan just couldn't drop any lower so it's pretty much only Bret. The only thing Jericho needs is a decisive finisher. Everyone kicks out of or blocks the Lionsault, the announcers (or as my friend Standly would call them, that fucking little weasel Michael Cole) forget what the Breakdown is called, and even as a Jericho mark couldn't think of a nice thing to say the last time he tried to put the Walls on Kane.

3. The retro style direction the WWF is taking isn't (surprisingly) sickening me. After a few Hardy vignettes it's good to see Dustin gettin his Goldust on. Mr. Perfect is in great shape and hasn't lost any of what made him a star. If anybody deserved a run with the WWF belt and never got it, (it was Ted DiBiase. And that's the Honkytonk Man's fault. Ask 411 if you don't know why, I don't feel like explaining. But other than him...) it was Henig. I was a little disappointed that he couldn't beat Venis (who is also looking pretty good despite the fact I was sure he'd be working the same Indy shows as Grandmaster Sexay after the next round of roster cuts) fairly, but Hell I'd rather watch a Seventh Heaven** marathon than any more Invasion booking. I've written a lot of negative things about the WWF but I have a positive feeling now.*** Maybe we need to move back a little before we move forward. But no Ultimate Warrior. And everyone who's waiting for Goldberg should know that God hates them. And so does Satan. Because everyone important likes Bret Hart.

4. Living in Hawaii is great, except for the fact that Smackdown has to fight tooth and nail for its timeslot on Oahu. You see, our WB and UPN are one station. A station that also owns the rights to what seems like EVERY FREAKIN HIGH SCHOOL AND COLLEGE VOLLEYBALL AND BASKETBALL GAME. Thus, most Mondays Angel gets knocked out his time (which is good cause I can see Raw's first hour, which until recently it was perfectly okay to miss), Tuesdays Buffy gets bumped, and Smackdown gets shafted harder than X Pac in a closet with Leonardo DiCaprio. Where are they rescheduled you ask? Well even if you didn't I'm telling you. In any convenient space possible on Friday night, Saturday afternoon, or Sunday. And no, the onscreen TV Guide does not always tell you where it landed. On top of that, the official TV Guide is printed too early to account for the last minute insertion of a God Damn lacrosse game or whatever shit "K5 The Home Team" is broadcasting. And the newspaper listings? Wrong a little less than half the time. My question is, why hasn't anyone ever mentioned this on the net? It's really disconcerting to know that they reschedule one of my favorite shows (no matter how much I bitch about it I'll always be a fan) and factor in an account of whether UPN or WB has a "very special****" movie of the week. This also means I won't see Smackdown till Saturday. And as somebody whose looking forward to Smackdown for the first time since pre King of the Ring 2001, that sucks.

5. And now, point number 5 (and the number of the point shall be five! Monty Python OWNS YOU LITTLE MAN*****) shall be a barrage of the one note jokes that made me look like a thoughtless WWF hata last time. I can do this because this Reality Check has been longer than my friggin' research paper. I call this (drumroll)

Quick shots:

On Edge's expense account, what costs more: the rights to the Rob Zombie song or floss?

My grandma's cats could score more money on Weakest Link than Triple H and Stephanie.

Before Jazz, did you ever think you'd see someone who made Sara-Taker look pretty?

Are you tired of me reminding you Kane sucks? Too bad!

Seriously, what kind of God lets them cancel the Tick but gives the world over twenty episodes of According to Jim?

Billy and Chuck + Lenny and Lodi = No brainer feud. D Von, get the contracts!

How come Raven "lost" his job but Charles Robinson and Nick Patrick didn't?

Why the fuck is Rikishi over? Can my fellow wrestling fans be as braindead as I've always been told they are. After my last column, I got a complaint letter that justified the "Vince McMahon kiss My Ass Club" by saying it was ended by one of the greatest non wrestling segments ever. I'm not gonna mention his name, but I will tell him he's a fuckin retard. The WWF is better without Rikishi or at least a lot less gut wrenching. Stephanie's voice or Rikishi's ass. Pick one horrid plague upon humanity and take the other off TV, please.

I am a senior in High School. I spent 3rd grade to last August living in Oklahoma. Number of Raws that came to town in that allotted time:0. How many times have they popped up in JR's home since I moved away from the Godforsaken place? Fate's a bitch. A dirty, dirty, bitch.

Movie Notes:

Spider-Man, Star Wars, and Austin Powers 3 soon... drool. These are good days to be nerd.

Jason Mewes (AKA Jay from "Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back") is currently a fugitive from justice after violating parole from charge for heroin possession by moving to California and not filing proper paperwork.

The Hellblazer movie (based on the comic of the same name) will be called Constantine. The main character John Constantine will not be British in the movie, he will be American. For the uninitiated, that's about as smart as making a biography of Chris Benoit and casting Hulk Hogan as the lead role.

Music Notes:

Gorillaz are making another album and working on bringing more "Guest Monkeys" into the mix, interesting... They're also going on their first American tour, but not coming to Hawaii as far as I know.

Jimmy Eat World changed the name of their third album after Sept. 11th from "Bleed American" to a self-titled album. The original version could become some sort of weird collector's item. Americans are weird that way. is Napster's illegitimate nephew. Except it finds movies, video games, and books too. Go listen to the Raditsky March. Catchy little number.

"Youth of the Nation" is the first POD song that I do not detest with a passion. I actually like it. I still don't like the band.

Video Game Notes:

Raw is War is pushed back till next month from November, Smackdown 3 is reportedly little more than a glorified upgrade, and Gamecube owners get no game till late Summer at the earliest. Remember that "Golden Age of Gaming" we were talking about all last year? Wasn't it supposed to start a while back?

Till then, I got a few games. Such as Tony Hawk 3, for which I give my fellow nerds these codes: MARKED CARDS (unlocks all the cheat modes)
FREAKSHOW (unlocks all hidden characters)
POPCORN (unlocks all hidden movies)

Smash Brothers Melee is not just an upgrade. It's a freaking blast. Marth's and Roy's appearances really make me wish Fire Emblem would hit this side of the Pacific. And God bless Hal laboratory for the Pokemon Floats level, which gives all of us the chance to fight on Psyduck's head.

Till Next time,

I'm right. This is over.

Jay Kyle

*Screw you Mr. "They call it the Raven Effect Now"

**Which sucks like Creed does.

***I'm ignoring my other feeling, which is that Hogan, Nash, Michaels, and HHH's politics will end in big tragedy after a few big ratings, thus burying Jericho forever. Sure I'm being two sided but who the hell is reading the footnotes?

****Direct to video or 10 year old

*****Or WOMAN.

Jay Kyle

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