NAKED PICTURES OF THE CUBS FAN
I've been schtinking and reading old posts (at Seadawg's Most Excellent Forum, don't visit if you're an anus) and watching old shows and reminisssssscing about the days of yore, such as colonial days and the Invasion. I've been thinking about some of the memories and forgotten predictions, theories, and expected outcomes that embarass us all quite thoroughly. Let's get this party started:
JANUARY 2001: The big deal here is clearly WHAT WILL BE THE MAIN EVENT OF WRESTLEMANIA? I know I was passionately behind a Rock/Austin encounter, as were most others of considerable intelligence, excluding Pete and WavesManW and Pitbull. I think most of us expected Austin to win the WWF title on Raw against Kurt Angle, but he didn't. And then he didn't wrestle Kurt Angle at the Rumble. Triple H did, and that was weird. Some of us were worried. Who would win the Royal Rumble? Austin would. But most of us expected The Rock to win the Royal Rumble. This was confusing, and it seemed like the WWF was on to all of our ideas and decided to do things inside out to keep us on our toes.
FEBRUARY: Pete the Retard and Pitbull the Shitbull and their idiot buddies continued to espouse retarded theories that HHH and Austin would main event WrestleMania just one month after main eventing No Way Out. This month was pretty straightforward, although it was still WEIRD that Rock was the champion at the end of the month and not Austin. And Justin Credible kept running in on matches and worrying me because I hate him. Thankfully X-Pac did not win the Intercontinental title. I am not looking forward to Undertaker and Kane vs. Rikishi and Haku at WrestleMania.
MARCH: I am not looking forward to it because IT DIDN'T HAPPEN. Pete and Pitbull and Friends are all proved inherently and intrinsically wrong and gay, while me, Justin, Hobbes, Scott Keith, Tom Carroll, and all right-thinking peoples reign triumphant. WrestleMania's matches were immaculately booked in my opinion, I can't remember any big complaints (except one).
APRIL: HEEL AUSTIN? ARE YOU GAY? Thanks a lot, I bet all the dudes who had been asking for an Austin heel turn for two years on the internet convinced the WWF it was the right way to go. Well you were wrong, as the next six months will prove. Fuck you. There was those two weeks of Hardy destruction that might have been the most depressing series of WWF shows in history. Undertaker and Kane finally saved our butts but didn't have many good matches.
MAY: More of the same. I can't remember anything special from this month since I think we were all pretty bored with the Two Man Power Trip. Well, one day we stopped being so bored because the WWF finally booked something right and elevated some dudes. The rest of this month after the 21st was golden gold. What would happen at King of the Ring? HHH is gone. We all counted on Austin/Jericho and perhaps Benoit winning the tournament.
JUNE: We also counted on the WWF actually pushing Jericho and Benoit after June 1st. This did not happen. Focus was more turned to the Invasion and we all made up our own stories and there's too many to remember. Most of them were probably better than what the WWF actually did. WWF really botched the Jericho-Benoit push in retrospect (and in original spect as well.) After King of the Ring, we got a little str8 up focus with Austin and Angle hanging and banging and providing the ONLY saving grace of the Austin heel turn (and he's maintained it as a face so it really wasn't necessary.)
JULY: THE INVASION SUCKS. At some point everyone realized these WCW Superstars were the same losers who nobody wanted to watch for the last two and a half years. The ECW reunion took us all by surprise by the seat of the very pants we were wearing, and boy, we were in for the two week ride of our lives. Most of us probably thought it would last longer. This angle was so hot for two weeks, though, that we could forgive the bastardization of the Rock-Austin blowoff just to have the Hellraiser Deluxe raising deluxe hell. Oh but haha the WWF had other plans which included putting their dick in our ass. As much as WrestleMania pissed me off, this pissed me off more. But the Rock would come back, right, and vanquish Austin, right?
AUGUST: WRONG. I guess it was almost forgivable, since Kurt Angle had made such a badass name for himself, but they didn't stick with THAT, EITHER since the Austin heel turn was a big ugly BOMB for the second time so we erased everything at Survivor Series. WWF continues not to acknowledge Rock even wrestling Austin at WrestleMania, since that would make people want to see that instead of Austin-Angle. Stupid WWF I wonder why. At the time I approved of the Austin-Angle business because surely Rock-Austin would happen down the road.
SEPTEMBER: Let's just do SummerSlam again! Sure. The Alliance has lost pretty much any great heat it once had by this point. Will Kurt Angle win at Unforgiven? On the one hand, it would be great for the United States of America and it'd be nice for the face to win something finally. Plus he's so awesome. But what about the Rock? Well, Kurt won, so I guess we'll hold off on the Rock.
OCTOBER: OR MAYBE NOT! Austin wins the title back and we have yet another holding pattern pay-per-view, with the exception of Rock-Jericho which was a tour de force, and surely Stephanie's obnoxious interference would lead to a union with Jericho? Oh ho, not til February, my presumptuous man. And they won't even mention it.
NOVEMBER: Well. This is it. This is the payoff to the whole Invasion. Kind of. It was okay. Rock pinned Austin and I sure hope the WWF doesn't expect me to be satisfied because I'm fucking not and neither is anyone else. Sure, Austin turns face and I'm not really that mad at him anymore, but all they'd have to do is show the finish to WM X-7 again and I'd want him to die. That might draw money so nevermind.
DECEMBER: I've got a BRILLIANT IDEA. Let's hype Rock-Austin for the show, but not deliver. GENIUS.
So as you see, pretty much all of 2001 was built towards a Rock-Austin conclusion that never happened, and in lieu we were given a series of half ass pushes, shitty horrible Alliance garbage, and disappointing, aggravating, nonsensical butt ass heel turns.