IWS: FREEDOM TO FIGHT
Well, I still haven't finished that SmackDown! report that I promised you, meaning that, as usual, by the time your resident historian files a report it is a matter of historical importance only. But not this time, because rather than tackling the rather intimidating pile of old business sitting in my IN box, I will instead start from the top of the pile and tell you about an event that I attended Saturday night: the latest Internet Wrestling Syndicate show: Freedom to Fight.
I am at this moment taking advantage of Monday being a national holiday as we Canadians celebrate Victoria Day. Or rather, I should say the Rest of Canada is celebrating Victoria Day, as we in Quebec celebrate Dollard-des-Ormeaux Day. Now the party line, here in Quebec, is that Dollard-des-Ormeaux was killed with a group of loyal followers in a small fort near Montreal, saving Montreal in the process from an Indian massacre. Our version of the Alamo, if you will. EXCEPT... that most historians now agree with what the aboriginal people have always said, that Dollard-des-Ormeaux raided their camps, killed their women and children, burned their homes and, oh yeah, stole their fur, so they were never interested in attacking Montreal, just in giving the serial killer/thief and his gang what was coming to them. So they tracked him, caught him, gave him a fair trial, sentenced him... and then flayed him alive, which may have been a little over the top, but hey different strokes right? right! Bygones...
All of which is only to say that rather than celebrating the birthday of the woman who consistently protected and defended the right of les Quebecois to keep their language, culture, religion and set of laws, we Quebeckers instead choose to celebrate the death of a thief, racist and mass-murderer.
I'm also being a BAD SON, as instead of sitting at my computer typing up this report, I could be helping my mother, who was strong-armed into running her boss' booth at a Paddlefest exhibition in Boucherville this long weekend. So for your kayak, canoe, and paddle needs please check out Simon River Sports at www.simonriversports.com because hey who doesn't need a kayak, right? right! And tell them Llakor sent you, because... because... well actually that'll just confuse them, because no-one at Simon River Sports, including my mother, knows me as Llakor. But do it anyway!
So with the preliminaries out of the way, let's get right to it shall we, but first, I've been asked to read this small warning: "We here at slashwresting will not be held responsible for any injuries sustained by our readers while reading about this event. These such in juries include: cuts and minor lacerations, bruising, broken bones, trophy shots to the gonards, burns due to fire, burns due to electricity, and last but not least, heart attacks. If you and (or) any persons you are thereby responsible for are afraid of any of these potential injuries, please hit "BACK" now. Then again, if you're scared of a little pain and blood then you're definately not hardcore enough read about this violent presentation. Because this is the Internet Wrestling Syndicate, and the IWS is HARDCORE!"
(That was weak.)
(I'll give you points for ripping off the warning IWS gives to their viewers, but otherwise that was pathetic. )
You can do better I'm guessing?
(Yeah! Stand back and try not to get in the way!)
(*AHEM* Ladies and Gentlemen, Hide your daughters, Corral your sheep, Herd your cattle, Send the kiddies to bed, Put down your Bibles, Put on your asbestos underwear, Tie on your butcher's smock, Pop open a beer, and Brace yourself because THIS is the *I* Fucking *W* Fucking *S* and They're FUCKING HARDCORE!)
OK, that was pretty good, but why am I herding livestock and since when have we had sheep?
(See, your warning was good, my warning was BETTER, the difference: Showmanship!)
Fine. As long as I'm warning people, allow me to point out that the following is a transcript of a live show based on my notes and reflects merely my (poor) memory of what I saw and what I heard, which does not necessarily bear any relation to what actually happened. I don't recap punches. Any opinions are my own and don't necessarily reflect the opinions of this site or of the Internet Wrestling Syndicate. Oh and pay no attention to the man behind the parentheses!
(What? Fuck You! I am the Great and Powerful OZ, I have the microphone, and YOU WILL LISTEN TO EVERYTHING I HAVE TO SAY!)
All right that does it! Toto! Sic! Get his Kevin Nash-wannabe ass!
(Accckk! What are you doing behind the parentheses? You're not allowed back here?! Get Out! Someone call the SPCA! Mad Dog! Mad Dog!)
Well, that should give us some peace and quiet for awhile. On Saturday night, I headed for the IWS home arena at Le Skratch pool hall in the wilds of Chomedey, Laval, Quebec. The doors to the event open at nine pm, but usually nothing happens until at least ten pm, so I decided to risk getting a crappy seat by taking the 9:05 pm route 151 bus from Cote-Vertu Metro which dropped me off right by Le Skratch at 9:25. Entering the ring area, I noticed that the crowd was on the small side for an IWS event. Now that may have been because with SmackDown playing in town Tuesday, and Judgment Day on Sunday, people were wrestled out this week. It may have been because people have started to wise up that they don't have to show up at the crack of nine pm to get good seats or to see anything. It may have been because people were uninspired by the advance publicity for the event which suggested that weapons and foreign objects were going to be banned, which *I* would have no problem with, but your average IWS fan being a bloodthirsty ghoul, *they* might be a little ticked at the idea. OR It may have been because earlier that day a rival indy fed in Montreal, the NCW, had their own show called, something stupid, Battlemania, I think. Their show started at 7 pm, but barring some form of personal teleportation, there was no way to see both shows in the same night. Now, whoever's idea it was to schedule two indy shows in the same city on the same day (and I'm taking a wild guess and saying that it was someone at NCW), you're a fucking idiot. First of all, there aren't that many wrestling fans in Montreal. Second of all, some of us would have liked to go to both shows, just to like, compare. Doing something this fucking stupid is bad for wrestling fans who are forced to choose sides, bad for wrestlers who were probably caught in the middle, and bad for both feds who could EACH have had better crowds if the events weren't conflicting. So FUCK YOU VERY MUCH NCW!
In any case, I took a seat in the second row, on the side opposite the entrance area for the wrestlers, known as the "Two Mountains" section. As I sat down, Arsenal was in the ring tightening the ring ropes using a wrench and his educated feet to kick the turn buckles into the right position. Nothing much happened until about 9:45 when they started screwing around with the lights. I should also say that, as usual, the Bride of Lemmy was the DJ and his choice of metal during the pre-show was much better than usual as he played a lot of stuff by bands with at least a modicum of understanding of the words "tune" and "melody". Either that, or I was in a good mood, because normally his musical choices leaving me with a pounding death-metal migraine. At 10:00, Techno-Geek and Camera-Girl made their entrance with cameras. Last month, I thought that Camera-Girl was having a bad hair day, but it now appears that her hair choices are deliberate, if a little scary. Now let me just say that Camera-Girl IS awfully cute, but unless she is deliberately paying Homage to the Star Wars movies, that messy Princess Leia bun thing she has going just has to go. At 10:10, the Broom-Boys enter. This month, both are using regular straw brooms. Most of the crowd took this as the cue to take their seats and it turned out that the crowd, while smaller than some IWS shows that I've been at, was still substantial. At 10:15, the screen descended, directly opposite me, to play the Freedom to Fight promo which included a number of cryptic remarks about "THEM" saying that a show shouldn't be held tonight which I personally take to be an anti-NCW promo made by somebody who wants to bash NCW but doesn't want to give NCW any publicity in the process. The clips are scored to some Eminem track and are as usual are very professionally done. I do have a small problem with the clips that are shown prior to the show. They are always impressive, but the clips always seem to be thrown together randomly rather than used to advance a story. Just as an example, the Rougeau students are shown making some rather high-impact maneuvers. Now they are supposed to be heels who wrestle a very slow, boring style. So to get them over in that role, they should NEVER be shown making a high-impact move. They should ALWAYS be shown doing their head-locks or arm-bars. In fact, none of the heels should EVER be shown getting their offence in unless that offence is going to make the crowd boo them. Show the heels posturing or ambushing, show the faces succeeding or suffering. AND most importantly use the clips to tell the story and prepare us for what is to happen tonight. After the clips ended, the screen rolled back-up and the ring filled with smoke for a very cool laser show that introduced Iron Mike Patterson. A quick word of praise for Iron Mike is in order, I think. If I look back to his performance at Born to Bleed or back further to Praise the Violence, Mike has transformed his character from a jumpy, whiny annoying heel who somehow convinced the baby faces that he was on their side, to a relaxed, laid-back baby-face. Part of that success has come from him ignoring insults, or when he responds to them, targeting individuals and then using the crowd to help him insult them. Iron Mike is wearing the full White Pimp outfit tonight with a black cowboy hat, baby blue disco suit and pink shirt open halfway down his shirt. Muted "Mike sucks dick" and "Fag" chants break out which Iron Mike adroitly deflects by addressing the hatred to gays rather than responding to the insults to him. The drunken sign-wielding skin-head in front of me takes the bait and starts chanting "Fag-Lover". Mike wanders over, points him out to the crowd, and says, "Dude, you've been here only five minutes and you're already wasted!"
(I think I lost the damn dog. Man, I can't believe the LOVE you are pouring down on Iron Mike. I have lost all respect for the man since Born to Bleed. He used to be cool, but now he's just another ass-kissing baby-face. And that shirt! The one thing that I did NOT need to see tonight was Iron Mike Patterson's hairy chest. The time is fast approaching when Iron Mike gets the beat down that he so richly deserves and I can only hope and pray that when it happens and whoever does it, and my vote goes to Steve Royds, that when they give Patterson the beating of his life that they leave his shirt on. While seeing Patterson's flabby, hairy, albino-white chest couldn't possibly be as revolting as seeing Mark Madden's torso, and FUCK YOU very much WCW for permanently scarring my retinas with that particular image, it's just not something that I need to see. Wearing that god-awful pink shirt unbuttoned may only be a small step in the direction of Iron Mike Patterson being naked, it is still a mighty unwelcome step to take. Wait! I think I hear the assembled porn stars in the back! "And so say we all" Thanks Girls!)
"The Main Event was supposed to be supposed to be 50,000 thumbtacks."
"Wait! Wait! See it was supposed to be 50, 000 thumb-tacks and we went to every single dollar store in Chomedey and we cleaned them out, but we could only come up with 26, 832 thumb-tacks!"
(See, here's the pitfall that baby-faces always fall into: telling the truth when a lie would be perfectly acceptable and IMPOSSIBLE TO DETECT. Are you seriously telling me that these knuckle-draggers from Deux Montagnes could tell the difference between 50, 000 thumb-tacks and 26, 832 thumb-tacks? Fuck! Most of them couldn't count to eleven without taking their shoes and socks off! In fact given the ugly combination of power tools, single-digit IQ's and Beer common to the Deux Montagnes area most of the poor, mutilated bastards would be lucky to be able to count to ten AFTER removing their shoes and socks, never mind being able to count to 50, 000!)
"Tonight we have a Four Corners main event for the IWS title with the champion Sexxxy Eddie in one corner, Arse-Anal in one corner, PCP Crazy Fucking Manny in one corner and the Green Phantom in one corner. WOW! The Hardcore NINJAZ~ will defend their tag-team title belt against Heavy Explosives, TNT and Heavy Maxx Fury in one corner."
(Hey! What about Iceberg and Face of Death? They won a title shot last month! CONTINUITY people!)
"Also appearing tonight: the Great Malaka! You know what Malaka means don't you? It's Greek for professional maturbator - JUST LIKE YOU!"
(Wow! He gets paid for it? Sweet gig!)
Just for the sake of clarity allow to point out that Iron Mike Patterson wasn't pointing anywhere near me.
(Well, it was pretty close. About five seats over and one row in front of us.)
"Allow me now to introduce at 280 pounds from Lima, Peru, Los Latinos, the Latino Kid and Latino Mysterio!"
The Latinos enter to a mixed response. On one hand, they're insane, they're high-flying, and they're so damn cute, you can't not love them. On the other hand, they've been booked as heels in their every appearance.
"And at 510 pounds, from Edinburgh, Scotland, the Scotsmen!"
Guess Los Latinos are still playing rudos. The Scotsmen, Pat and Angus enter to a big ovation as they wave their dual Scottish/Canadian flag followed by Nursie. They lead the crowd in Scottish dancing.
(While Los Latinos ruin a perfect opportunity to cement their status as heels by cutting this ridiculous display short and pearl-harbouring these faux Scottish clowns. Oh and once again, what's with taking your Kilts off when you start to wrestle? If you're going to have a gimmick, LIVE THE FUCKING GIMMICK already! Do you see Dustin Runnels taking off his Golddust outfit before he starts to wrestle? Posers!)
Pat takes the mike and addresses the crowd in front of me and to my right which is mostly composed of the contributors to the IWS message board who go by the group handle the Red Army, "You may have noticed that we wave both the Scottish and the Canadian flags. The Canadian flag is Red just like our fans in the Red Army!" Angus grabs the mike, "And let's not forget our fans from the green hills of Two Mountains! And you know what happens when you combine Red and Green don't you?"
(You get Purple?)
"You get Plaid! And the Plaid Army has our back tonight!"
(I take it back: they're not posers. They're SUCK-UPS and POSERS! Look: the Red Army crowd and the Two Mountains gang HATE each other. You might think that trying to make peace between those two groups is a good thing, but it's not. Hate is a perfectly acceptable thing in wrestling. What am I saying? Hate is ESSENTIAL to good wrestling. So would you two stupid sheep-fuckers stop trying to fuck with the HATE, drink your Hate-a-rade and shut the fuck up!)
Bell rings at 10:25. Dynamite Dave is the ref. The Scotsmen and Los Latinos shake hands to start. (Jesus Wept! What is this a quilting bee?) Pat and the Latino Kid start with a lock-up, shoulder block leap frog combination. Pat gets a Sunset Flip for two, Latino Kid reverses for two and Pat reverses Latino Kid so hard that he rolls him too far for a pin. They totally fuck up an Arm-Drag take down, but make up for it with a pair of nice Arm Drag take downs, one for each. Pat hits a back-slide for two which Latino Kid responds to with a Tornado DDT. But Pat rolls out before he can be pinned. Angus goes over to check on his partner, so Latino Kid goes up top to plancha them both. Then Latino Mysterio goes up top and takes everyone out with a Swanton from the top. Angus and Latino Mysterio end up in the ring. Latino Mysterio hits a Drop-Kick which staggers Angus, but he doesn't fall. Latino Mysterio hits another Drop-Kick which staggers Angus again but he's still standing. Changing tactics, Latino Mysterio tries a side-kick which misses Angus by about three feet, but which Angus sells like Death on Wheels. Latino Mysterio covers for One, Two... and you will believe that a masked Latino can fly! Latino Mysterio climbs and tries a Flying Body Press, but he's caught! Latino Kid climbs and flies and his Flying Body Press takes them both out! Latino Mysterio climbs again, flies again, is caught again and here goes Latino Kid who climbs again and flies again, but this time Angus uses Latino Mysterio like a lawn dart to block the Flying Body Press from Latino Kid! Pat tags in and hits a massive Highland Face Jam on Latino Mysterio. He puts Latino Mysterio in a Surfboard type submission move which is broken up by Latino Kid who takes advantage to Latino Edge his partner onto Pat for two. Los Latinos use the ropes as leverage to just launch Pat into space and onto his face and they get two. Pat finally counters with a Sledgehammer to get two and then smartly tags Angus in. Angus holds Latino Kid while Pat retrieves some kind of plate from the crowd which he winds up and shatters on Angus' head as Latino Kid ducks and parts (?) go everywhere. I guess it was some kind of a clock. Latino Kid retrieves a chair and chair shots Pat and chair shots Angus. He does a standing side-kick of the chair into Pat's face and then DDT's Pat onto the chair to get two. Los Latinos try to double-team Pat by Catapulting him into a Super-Kick but they completely fuck up the timing. Unlike Angus, Pat doesn't fall down when Latino Mysterio misses him with the kick, he just sort of wobbles there so that Latino Mysterio can regroup and nail the Super-Kick with authority. Latino Kid covers for two. Both men are up and run the ropes nailing each other with a double clothesline. Angus is tagged in and he hits a Scottish Stereo Choke Slam on Los Latinos. Highland Splash on Latino Kid. "Give me a beer!" A fan gives Angus his beer! (Giving AWAY your beer? That's... That's... That's Un-Canadian is what that is!) Angus uses the beer to revive Pat. He then starts pouring it down the throat of Latin Mysterio. (That's just wrong. First of all, Latino Mysterio is too damn young to be drinking. Second of all, based on his body-weight, he is legally considered under the influence just by breathing in beer fumes, let alone swallowing.) Pat is picked up by Angus to drop a Highland Leg across Latino Kid's throat which gets two. Latino Mysterio runs in and gets picked up by Angus and gets thrown into the Two Mountains crowd wiping out the front row in the process! Angus rolls back out, pours MORE beer down Latino Mysterio's throat and delivers the Scottish Stereo Choke Slam for the simultaneous pin on both at 10:40.
After the bell, Nursie sits on Latino Mysterio's face to do CPR and having revived him, does the same for Latino Kid who takes advantage by feeling her up. Pat takes the mike, "Today you fought the good fight. Let's go to the back and drink some beers!" No reaction from the Peruvian natives. Angus takes the mike, "YOU... AND... US... GO... TO... BACK... AND... DRINK... BEER!" Even accompanied by hand gestures, Los Latinos have no idea what they are saying and Latino Kid says to Latino Mysterio if I understood their Portuguese correctly, "Why do these stupid Anglos always think that we'll understand their English if they shout at us? We're not deaf, we just don't speak the language." Finally Pat says the magic word, "Cervazos" which despite being Spanish and not Portuguese, Los Latinos recognize. Everybody dances. Broom-Boys enter the ring and dance. Two girls from the crowd to the front and left of me enter the ring and dance. Iron Mike enters the ring and dances.
(Well, if you're going to make Los Latinos baby-faces that was the way to do it. Lord knows it would be difficult to keep those two guys heel given that they are both as insane as Jeff Hardy and combined weigh less than the Big Show's jockstrap. On the other hand, who the hell is left to be a heel?) Iron Mike is back on the mike, "It's time to party Scottish style. And Angus and Pat won't pay for a drink all night the cheap bastards! At this time, I would like to call to the ring to answer some questions the Commissioner of the IWS, Commissioner Joey Fits-More-Ass!"
(Oh Mike! Over here! Didn't you read the fucking memo? Commissioner Fitzmorris is a fucking baby-face now, so you're not allowed to make fun of his name. Repeat after me: "One of Us! One of Us! One of Us!")
"In two weeks, Saturday, June 1st at the Olympia Arena in the beautiful green hills of Two Mountains...
ACCCKK! They expect me to go to Deux Montagnes for this thing? Are they nuts? Chomedey is already on the fucking edge of civilization. Asking me to go to Deux Montagnes is like asking me to sail off the edge of the world!
"... the IWS will be proud to present the third annual Tournament of Icons featuring Brutus the Barber Beefcake."
From the crowd to my left, "Oooooh! Will Brutus cut hair?"
(Jesus Fucking Christ! Look at you! You're squealing like a pig, all excited because Hulk Hogan's best friend, the Booty Man, the Zodiac, the Disciple, Brutus the Barber Beefcake is going to show up and cut some hair! Wooopy-de-fucking-doo! The man's face is so mushy, if you did an Alabama Face Jam on him he'd end up looking like a Picasso portrait and the most exciting move that he's ever performed is a fucking Sleeper and a badly applied Sleeper to boot. Take my advice, you pathetic Beefcake-a-maniac watch Shampoo or Blow-Dry instead of coming to the tournament because Wrestling is too damn exciting for you!)
"The winner of the tag-team title match between the Hardcore NINJAZ~ and Heavy Explosives must defend the title against Iceberg & Face of Death."
There see! And you were worried that they had forgotten! It makes perfect sense to give TNT & Maxx Fury a title shot first given the controversial way that the Hardcore NINJAZ~ won the belt in the first place beating Green Drugs in a ladder match for the belts when TNT & Maxx Fury were injured and unable to compete in the match last month.
"And the winner of the Four Corners match tonight must defend the IWS title in an EXPLODING ring match!"
The Mountie's theme music brings out the Rougeau Trainees. "After putting on the most hardcore match in the history of the IWS last month, we demand a tag-team title match." The Rougeau trainees are as usual clad in the Rougeau family T-Shirt which I happen to be wearing as I type up this report. It is also proudly worn by none other than Weinerville's own Kate4EZ. Actually, technically, I know that she OWNS one of those shirts, whether she WEARS it is another thing entirely. For all I know, it is proudly worn by her French Poodle Mitzi or she uses it to wax her Mazda Miata.
"First of all, that match was only hardcore if you think that a head lock is hardcore. Second of all, you'll have to be around for a little bit longer before I give you losers a title shot. But you want a match tonight? Fine, tell you what, Iron Mike Patterson, how would you like to book a match tonight?"
"Cool! I book... I'll book... Hollywood Hulk Hogan against Ahmed Johnson! What? That would be great!"
"No you moron, book a match featuring IWS performers!"
"Ohhhh! OK! OK! I'll book a match featuring... YOU!" Points to Rougeau Red-Head. "VS... YOU!" Points to Rougeau Blondie. "VS... 330 pounds of ONYX!"
Cue Onyx's music. "Give me the mike Patterson! I'm going to remove HIS rib-cage and then I'm going to treat HIM like a pedophile, but first I'm going to let them do their homosexual dancing in the ring."
The Rougeau trainees start with a lock-up, side head-lock combination.
"Are you going in Onyx?"
"Man if I see any more of this pansy ass shit, I'm going to have to hurt somebody!"
Rougeau Red-Head does a Scissors Hold Take Down on Rougeau Blondie and prepares to cover when Onyx makes his entrance with a chair-shot to Rougeau Red-Head. Onyx DDT's Rougeau Blondie onto the chair. Onyx and the Rougeau Red-Head run the ropes and Onyx leapfrogs over the Rougeau Redhead which is damned impressive really. Rougeau Blondie chair-shots Onyx in the back. The Rougeau trainees try to combine for a double-team Rougeau Leg Sweep which is blocked for a stereo Onyx-plex. Wow! The Rougeau Red-Head is grabbed by Onyx, but he mule-kicks Onyx who staggers but does not fall. A follow-up Drop-Kick by the Rougeau Red-Head takes Onyx down though. Blondie covers for two and is thrown off. Red-Head covers for two and is thrown off. Onyx staggers back-up, so Rougeau Red-Head puts a Scissors-hold on Rougeau Blondie swings and uses the momentum to throw himself onto Onyx knocking Onyx out of the ring. Rougeau Redhead Plancha! Onyx gets up and hits him with a chair. Rougeau Blondie Plancha! Rougeau Blondie dives back into the ring and begs for the ref to start counting for the count-out. Ha! Onyx is in and an Onyx Splash gets one... two... and an springing elbow drop from the Red-Head which misses by about two miles breaks up the count. Onyx gets up and Blondie hits the low blow. Roll-Up gets two. Onyx throws Blondie to the corner and Onyx Slash meets Rougeau Elbow. Rougeau Blondie Roll-Up gets one... two... Johnny Ace! Onyx warns Peanut, "You better start counting fucking slower!" Ha! Spear on Rougeau Red-Head gets two broken up by Rougeau Blondie. Onyx tries a stereo choke slam which is blocked for a double-team Rougeau Leg Sweep. The Rougeau trainees go for simultaneous Asai Moonsaults and hit nothing but canvas! "It's Dinner-Time! Time to set the table! Give me some help boy!" The drunken Two Mountains boys in front of me help Onyx get out a table and set it up in the ring. Onyx sets up Rougeau Blondie on the table. He picks up Rougeau Red-Head who blocks with an eye-rake! Ha!
(Some twit from the crowd objects to the eye-rake! Loser! That's Ol' Skool ya blood-sucking ghoul!)
Rougeau Red-Head piledrives Rougeau Blondie through the table. Holy Fucking Shit! Onyx Elbow Drop blocks the pin attempt. Onyx turns to the crowd, "Give me chairs!" He sets up three chairs in a U pattern and Back Body Drops Rougeau Red-Head into fother-mucking orbit before he crashes down into the three chairs. THAT WAS SICK! Onyx sits on both for the pin.
Not that I'm complaining, but if the Rougeau trainees keep putting on entertaining matches where they kill themselves, this whole gimmick of them being boring wrestlers is going to fall apart pretty quickly.
(And is the humbling process over yet? Cause I'd like to seem them mother-fucking destroy Los Latinos! They'd also match up well against Evilicious.)
Iron Mike Patterson is back out, "Did you like your match?" The Broom-Boys enter to get rid of the table remains. "This is the worst fucking sweeping job that I have ever seen. Sweep you bitches! Hey, you in the blue cap, are you a robot because you haven't moved the whole fucking show."
Again just for clarity, he was pointing nowhere near me, and I was wearing a black Sopranos cap, not a blue one.
"You know as the resident egomaniac in the IWS, I feel like I'm the one who gets to make demands, but this guy ever since he wrestled in the ECW arena, ever since he became Justice Pain's tag-team partner, ever since he started wrestling for companies that I've never heard of and against wrestler's that I've never heard of, he thinks he's fucking Hot Shit! He's been telling anyone who'll listen in the back that he's only going to wrestle tonight if he gets to wrestle against a superstar. So let's bring him out... Mr. Steve Royds." Steve is wearing a black do-rag and hippy tie-die purple pants.
And it's time for the part of the recap where I, Llakor, give career advice to the Natural Superstar Steve Royds aka Steve Risez aka the wrestler who writes to me. Because and I'm quoting Steve here, "I find you to be know the finer points of the business... I like the way u understand psychology and stuff"
(Proof positive that the man has been dropped on his head once too often. But please... continue, this should be good for a laugh.)
Well, I love Steve's gimmick, I love Steve's name and I especially love Steve's style in the ring which is all stiff and methodical. But his entrances and especially his promos need some work. He really needs a visual hook like Triple H's whale blow-hole entrance. Maybe he could enter with workout bar-bells and do some curls or something. And then use them later to clock his opponent. But really, I think he should look back closer to the source and start swiping promos by the Prince of Preening, the Earl of Ego, the late great Ravishing Rick Rude.
(Ooooohh! You mean like air-brushed tights? That would be awesome!)
Yeah, it would, but I was thinking more along the lines of swiping Rude's promos. Say something like this at Tournament of the Icons, Steve comes in wearing a robe "I'd like all of you smelly, out-of-shape Two Mountains sweat-hogs to sit down and SHUT! UP! so that your women can take a look at a Natural Super-Star. That's right ladies, I know you don't have anything like this at home. It's a little cruel of me to be out here because I know it's tormenting all you women from Two Mountains. Why I have more teeth than all of your men put together! I have a bigger IQ than all of your men put together! That's right! And I have more talent! And I have more charisma! And I have more muscles than all of you dirty, no-good Two Mountain losers put together! That's Right! So stand back and SHUT! UP! while I show you a Natural Superstar!" And then he drops the robe and poses and maybe does Rude hip wiggle.
(You know that would be PERFECT! First of all, it would be like a Public Service Announcement, because really someone has to show the women of Two Mountains how bad they have it. And you know that Steve is all about telling the truth and helping others.)
Shhhhh! Steve is speaking!
"Still playing that crappy music"
"Hey! That's Billy Idol!"
"Get out of the ring! I'm not in my wrestling gear because I was walking around the back and I didn't see any superstars walking around."
"No. No. Steve, we found you a superstar! It's... It's... Oh man this is going to be so great... because it's the Great Malaka!"
The Great Malaka, who incidentally spoiled Steve's quest for the IWS tag-team title belt by completely failing to hold up his end of the team during the Extreme Dream tournament, enters holding a giant inflatable Corona bottle and a bottle of cheap Ouzo. Dynamite Dave, the ref, enters behind him. Malaka starts singing the jingle to Mourelatos, a local Greek-owned grocery store. The crowd is soon singing with him, "It's a garden, It's a market, It's a feeling, It's a how are you today!" And then the Great Malaka does the Triple H whale blow hole trick spraying the front row of the Two Mountains crowd with watered-down licorice flavoured alcohol.
Bell rings at 11:05. A STIFF Natural Clothes Line. And a STIFF Natural Boot to the face. Stomp Malaka into a Mudhole and walk him dry! Throw Malaka into the corner! Great Malaka slaps Steve! Great Malaka hits Steve with... a Paper Plate? AND STEVE GOES NUTS! He just starts pounding the crap out of Malaka, finally picking him up for a Spinning Power Bomb and then Super-Kicking the Great Malaka into next week and clean out of the ring. Malaka crawls to the back a shattered man. Now THAT, THAT was AWESOME!
(Yeah, but couldn't he have he have hit his Anabolic Drop? Or that cool Vertical Suplex that he does? I'm sorry, call me picky, but Malaka just didn't SUFFER enough.)
"Steve, Steve, it's a funny thing! The Great Malaka is FUNNY!"
"Go Fuck Yourself!"
You tell him Steve!
(You tell him Steve!)
"Last time I was out here, I quit, but apparently I have a contract that I have to honour."
Fan in the crowd, "You're not hardcore enough"
"Who the fuck are you to say that I'm not hardcore enough? Get your scrawny little ass in the ring!"
Did I say that Steve's promos needed work? God, Steve, please forgive me! I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about!
(Wouldn't be the first time!)
"Put my mike back on!"
Put his mike back on!
(Put his mike back on!)
PCP Crazy Fucking Manny comes out to the ring, "You think that I killed myself for three years, just so that I could sit in the back and hear you run down the IWS. You think that you're a big shot just because you're Justice Pain's tag-team partner. You think you're a big deal just because you wrestled in the ECW arena. Well, I'm glad that you're here! I'm glad that Justice Pain took his dick out of your mouth long enough for you to come out here."
Steve! You're not going to stand for that are you?
(Steve! You're not going to stand for that are you?)
"Hey I'm a main-eventer in CZW! And I'm hardcore!"
"Fine you're hardcore? Well, I'm going to give you a choice: you can keep driving 14 hours to wrestle or you can wrestle here and prove that you're hardcore, but to do that you're going to have to apologize to these fans."
The Two Mountains crowd in front of me, "On Your Knees! On Your Knees!"
NOOOO! Steve don't do it!
(Have a little faith, you weenie.)
"Apologize to this crowd! Apologize to these fans! Cause all of this, all of us wouldn't be here if it wasn't for them."
"OK, OK, I'm Sorry"
NOOOO! Steve don't do it!
(I repeat: Have a little faith, you weenie.)
"All right everybody the man's apologized. It takes a big man to apologize. We should all respect that..."
Ohhhh God! Steve! What have you done?
(Wait! Wait! Steve's got a chair!)
Chair shot to Manny's back! "Is that hardcore enough for you?"
Steve don't turn your back on him! He's a PCP junkie for fuck's sake! It'll take more than a chair shot to his back to keep him down!
(Steve! Look Out! Manny's got the Chair!)
OUCH! Well that was a Fother-Mucking STIFF shot to the head.
"Fuck You! This is the *I* Fucking *W* Fucking *S*."
"Na-Na-Na-Na Hey Hey Goodbye"
"All the people who employ you have spoken! Go to Fucking Hell!"
Steve walks out through Le Skratch away from the wrestler's entrance.
At 11:17, Iron Mike Patterson is back in the ring, "Steve Royds has left the building."
NOOOOOOOOO! Say it isn't so Steve!
(How many times do I have to say this? Have some mother-fucking faith you weenie, you MARK.)
"Later tonight, we will be having a wet T-Shirt contest. Women from the audience can enter and have the chance to win $200 and a Wild Rose photo shoot. Just think that you could be going to school one day, and the next day... You're a PORN STAR! You could be going to work one day, sitting at your desk and the next day... You're a PORN STAR! Is this a great country or what? This place is full of Wild Rose Pimps, the back is loaded with Wild Rose Pimps, and I've out-dressed all of them! Now it's time for the Tag Team Championship match. Entering first weighing in at a combined weight of 1185 pounds, Heavy Explosives, the team of Heavy Maxx Fury and TNT!"
Maxx enters on crutches? TNT is holding a Molson Export Hockey bag. For some reason they both have blue hair. Maxx is going to have a hard time avoiding the Smurf chants if he keeps the blue hair going.
"Two questions: This is supposed to be a weapon match."
Heavy Maxx Fury snatches away the mike, "Real wrestlers get no respect here! Normally I'm a high-flyer, but tonight because of some bull-shit..."
At this point, members of the Red Army manage to distract Maxx by calling him a pussy and his promo goes right off the rails and degenerates into a taunting contest between Maxx and the Red Army. Maxx spends most of it holding open the ring ropes and inviting the Red Army to get in the ring. Finally TNT puts us all out of our misery by grabbing the mike, "Tonight, I'm going to be extreme... extremely stupid! Because of contractual bull-shit, your Quebec champion can't wear his belt to the ring. We are professionals, but you want us to be amateurs - FINE!"
At 11:25, the Hardcore Fucking NINJAZ~ enter wearing their belts. Peanut enters with them as ref. Hey! The Yellow Belt is back! By God! We've missed that splash of colour! The Red Army starts chanting, "Yellow! Yellow!" as well they might because telling the difference between the two NINJAZ~ without it is imfuckingpossible. Supposedly, you can tell the difference between the two by their tattoos, but otherwise they have the same build, the same costume, the same mask, similar move sets.
(Not to mention you can't tell the difference between a body-slam and a power-bomb, let alone tell the difference between two wrestlers based only on their tattoos.)
Not to mention... Hey wait a minute! Grrrrr... As usual, we welcome into the recap booth at this time Chuck Norris from the movie the Octagon to help us with the proper pronounciation of the word 'NINJAZ~' Do you have anything to say Chuck?
Thanks, Chuck. So who do you think is going to win tonight?
Good choice, Chuck. So tell me, how could you have had the colossal bad taste to shoot a Walker Texas Ranger episode where you showed a professional wrestler die the exact same way that Owen Hart died?
Ummm. OK. So is it true that Bruce Lee kicked your ass for real when you shot that scene in Rome?
Thanks for coming out Chuck!
Action starts with the Yellow NINJA~ and TNT. Amateur take down by TNT with slaps. Russian Leg Sweep for TNT, and they switch off for Hardcore NINJA~#1 and Heavy Maxx Fury. "Fuck the FLQ" chant is started by the Red Army. Amateur take down by Maxx and more slapping. Furious Suplex gets two. TNT is tagged in. Hardcore NINJA~#1 grabs a chair, but TNT cuts him off and hangs him up in a tree of woe and a baseball slide to the face. TNT picks up Hardcore NINJA~#1 for a Suplex face-buster. Yellow NINJA~ runs in, and TNT goes back to the well again, but Yellow NINJA~ blocks and hits a NINJA~Plex. NINJA~Top Rope Splash, but TNT delivers an explosive back-kick and follows up with a face-plant. TNT power-bombs Hardcore NINJA~#1 and tags in Maxx Fury. Maxx pulls out from the bag of weapons... the world's flimsiest piece of wood and breaks it on the Yellow NINJA~ for two. Furious Suplex! Furious Asai Moonsault! Maxx reaches into the bag and pulls out... a bucket and a duct-taped mop pole. He puts the bucket on the head of the Yellow NINJA~ and breaks the pole on the bucket. Careful Guys! That ALMOST looked dangerous! Yellow NINJA~ mudhole and stomp dry. Both men tag out and things break down in a hurry as Hardcore NINJA~#1 kicks TNT outside and when he chases TNT outside, the Yellow NINJA~ performs a NINJA~Plancha but misses TNT and wipes out his partner scattering the front row of the Two Mountains crowd in the process. Maxx Fury runs into the crowd with a pool cue and he and TNT start whaling on the Yellow NINJA~. Hardcore NINJA~#1 rescues his partner with a chair taking out first Maxx and then TNT with NINJA~Chair shots. Hardcore NINJA~#1 rolls TNT into the ring and then sets up a ladder into the corner. TNT is NINJA~ Whipped into the ladder! TNT is NINJA~Slammed into the ladder! Hardcore NINJA~ #1 goes for a NINJA~Line but instead is Back Body Dropped onto the ladder! OUCH! Hardcore NINJA~#1 somehow ends up hanging down from the ladder, suspended by his neck in a hangman like position. TNT is thrown onto it by his own partner and then Maxx hits the ladder with a chair and Hardcore NINJA~#1 is DEAD. Yellow NINJA~ tries to NINJA~Whip TNT into the ladder, but he counters into a leg thrown Back Body Drop and You Will Believe That a NINJA~ Can FLY! And you'll believe that when he lands on the ladder that he'll be BY! GOD! BROKEN! IN! HALF! Meanwhile Hardcore NINJA~#1 has been setting up a Big-Ass Ladder on the outside, and then a table near the ladder. He rolls in and rescues his partner dragging TNT and Maxx out onto the table. Yellow NINJA~ no-selling death charges up the ladder and NINJA~Swanton's off and hits NOTHING! BUT! TABLE! While he rolls in the wreckage a mere foot from me, his partner is being dismantled in the ring. TNT and Maxx get one of the title belts and they Clothesline him with it. Then they set up two chairs and put the smaller ladder on it. TNT body-slams Hardcore NINJA~#1 onto this device. Maxx goes back to the bag of not so fearsome weapons and pulls out... a pair of nun-chuks! Hey that's a REAL weapon! I thought you were making fun of this match by pulling out useless stuff! Nun-chuck to Hardcore NINJA~#1! Nun-chuck to Yellow NINJA~! TNT Power-Bombs Hardcore NINJA~#1 onto a chair! Furious Action! Bodies Flying Everywhere! Llakor's mouth bunjying off the floor! Notes Useless! Too much happening! I can't breathe! I can't breathe! Maxx goes flying! Yellow NINJA~ surprises TNT with a NINJA~ Acid Drop! Hardcore NINJA~#1 throws the smaller ladder on TNT! Both NINJA~ with chairs, climbing up top! Flying Stereo NINJA~Leg Drops onto the chairs, onto the ladder, onto TNT! Count to three! Count to five! Count to a thousand! He's not getting back up! And the Hardcore Fucking NINJAZ~ are still champions! It's 11:40! (15:00?)
Note to self: Remember to breathe during NINJAZ~ matches.
Iceberg and Face of Death are out to spoil the victory celebration. They stomp the NINJAZ~ down and then set up a table covered with mousetraps. Now, I've seen these guys once before, and I'm still not clear as to who Iceberg is and who the Face of Death is. I'm guessing that Iceberg is the Barbarian looking dude with face-paint while Face of Death is the black dude with face-paint. The black dude power-bombs Yellow NINJA~. "Show me what you've got!" The white dude power-bombs Hardcore NINJA~#1. "Not bad. Not bad. But can you beat this?" Black dude choke-slams Yellow NINJA~ onto two chairs. Now that's just MEAN! White Dude picks up Hardcore NINJA~#1 and choke slams him out of the ring and onto the table covered in mousetraps! HOLY MARY, MOTHER OF GOD!
(That was just SICK!)
As a further insult, they throw the belts down on to the shattered bodies of the NINJAZ~. Oh yeah! Enjoy the moment while you can, you cheap-shotting fother-muckers! Cause at Tournament of Icons, you are so getting yours!
(Yeah! Hardcore Fucking NINJAZ~ are going to FUCK YOU UP!)
Aren't we breaking from our tradition of cheering for the heels?
(FUCK THAT! Those guys are JERKS!)
Iron Mike Patterson is out again and still pimping the Wet T-Shirt contest. "26, 480 thumb-tacks are going to be in this ring, Mother-Fucker! The rules are: THERE ARE NO RULES!"
(Wait a minute! There were 26, 832 thumb-tacks at the start of the show! We're missing 352 thumb-tacks!)
Probably stolen by Iceberg and Face of Death! Assholes!
Despite the fact that there are no rules during this match, both Peanut AND Dynamite Dave are out to referee the match.
"At 165 pounds, the ICW champion, Arse-Anal with his manager the Motivator of Madness."
Pay no attention to Iron Mike Patterson, by the way, Arsenal is awesome!
"From the ancient green hills of Two Mountains, a lean mean 255 pounds, the Green Phantom! At 235 pounds, PCP Crazy Fucking Manny! And your champion, at 195 pounds with 5 extra pounds of pure cock meat, The Sexxx Exxxpress, Sexxxy Eddy!"
At 11:50, Eddy charges in, already stripped to bow-tie and gold lame g-string and goes right after Arsenal spearing him to the corner. That is so great! It follows perfectly from last month when Arsenal jumped Eddy while he was still stripping. CONTINUITY~ Baby! Sexxxy Spin Kick! Sexxxy Shoulder Breaker! Arsenal rolls out of the ring and Eddy chases him running straight into the Green Phantom. Many, many, many Phantom Elbow Drops and Phantom Leg Drops later, Eddy finally recovers enough to hit a Sexxx-Line and... tag Manny? Wait a minute? There are tags in this match? Since when? Isn't that like a rule or something? Patterson get over here and explain yourself, you big liar! Green Phantom tags in Arsenal, as Manny sneaks over and tags back in Eddy, then Manny and Green Phantom go back to their corners while Eddy and Arsenal lock-up.
(Can I say something?)
Can I stop you?
(No. God knows I appreciate that it's a lot easier for us to take notes like this, but this is a hardcore Main Event in a hardcore promotion. Manny, Green Phantom, you PUSSIES, get the fuck out of those corners and start wrestling instead of obeying a mother-fucking rule that doesn't apply because THERE ARE NO FUCKING RULES!)
It's scary but I almost agree with you.
(What do you mean - ALMOST?)
I can't go along with you on Manny & the Green Phantom being pussies is all. Christ, either one of them could break us in half with one hand tied behind their back and Manny's back looks like a road map for the New Jersey turn-pike for fuck's sake. Oh! Meanwhile Eddy is covering Arsenal with a nifty bridge that is almost a head-stand, but Arsenal gets his shoulder up at two. Sexxxy-Whip is reversed followed by a nice Dick to the Mouth press from the top rope by Arsenal.
(You sure that Dick to the Mouth press is the technical term for that move?)
Shut up you! Arsenal is thrown outside by Eddy, on the side opposite me, and Eddy follows up with a chair spear and a chair shot to the prone Arsenal. Eddy rolls Arsenal back in and WOW catapults him into the bottom turn buckle. From the Red Army, "That move is so gay." Dudes! The man is wrestling wearing a red bow-tie and a gold lame g-string and the gayest thing that you can point to is that he's using a move swiped from a women's wrestling promotion? C'mon Red Army: Focus! Not by the way that there's anything wrong with that... Manny is tagged in by Eddy, and he immediately stomps Arsenal in the nuts. He choke-slams Arsenal onto his knee! That move always looks vicious balls-nasty! Manny gets a chair, and chair shots Arsenal. "One more time!" Ever the crowd suck-up, Manny chair-shots Arsenal again! He grabs Arsenal and has him up in a crucifix-type hold. As he walks by Eddy's corner, Eddy sneaks in a Sexxxy Cheap Shot and then Manny throws Arsenal over his shoulders. Arsenal lands on his knees and then Flair Flops right onto the chair. OUCH! And Arsenal is busted wide open. Green Phantom tagged in. Manny holds Arsenal on his knee for Green Phantom to drop the leg. Phantom Bomb on the chair! Arsenal rallies briefly to hit a Suplex, but Green Phantom pops right back up to kick Arsenal right in the face. Arsenal flees, Eddy comes in and he hits a Wheelbarrow Suplex on Manny for two. Hey! Red Army Dudes! If you're going to complain about a move being GAY...
(Not that there's anything wrong with that. Right?)
Right! The Wheelbarrow Suplex is way more GAY than a WOW Catapult. Phantom Driver! And the Two Mountains Wooden Sign of Death is in the ring, on one side still written, "It's 4/20 Green Phantom Light up a Fatty," and on the other side newly written, "4/20 Wood Still Alive" Green Phantom sets up two chairs with the sign propped between the two of them. Eddy is Phantom-Plexed onto the Green Phantom Device and the sign no-sells! Phantom props the sign on Eddy and drops the leg for two. Manny has a barb-wire bat! Green Phantom takes it from his partner, takes the wind-up but Eddy ducks and Sexxxy-Plexes the Green Phantom for two. Sexxxy Sidewalk Slam and the pin... is broken up by Arsenal from the top rope with a Kendo stick. Manny is in and he throws Eddy out in front of the Two Mountains crowd. "Get the fuck out of the way!" The Two Mountains gang scatters and then rather considerately push their chairs back to the centre so that Manny can throw Eddy into the random stack of chairs which goes skidding to the back carrying Eddy's broken body with it. That was just SICK! My notes get a little jumbled at this point as I never actually left my seat, but my seat did move about six feet in the ruckus. When things calmed down, Manny and the Green Phantom were directly in front of me as Arsenal hit a Swanton on them from the apron. As they started to get to their feet, Eddy did a Mother-Fucking Sexxxy Spring-Board Swanton to the outside to wipe out everybody! He rolls in Arsenal and gets one-two-Johnny Ace! Eddy goes up top and the Sexxxy-Sault gets NOTHING BUT CANVAS! And Enter thumb-tacks stage right! For the rest of the way just assume that ALL moves performed in the ring were performed on thumb-tacks as the SICK-O-METER went to ELEVEN and never came back down. Manny Sexxxy-Plexed! Manny Arsenal-Plexed! Green Phantom Arsenal-Plexed! Eddy sprinkles thumb-tacks onto Manny's prone body and Sexxxy-Saults onto to him! Arsenal goes up top, but is caught and Phantom Bombed! Arsenal Junkie-Drivered! Arsenal Phantom-Slammed! Arsenal dragged up top by Green Phantom but wriggles free from the Phantom Edge. Manny grabs Arsenal who goes low with a Kendo stick! Sexxxy Drop Kick on Green Phantom. Sexxxy Slam on Eddy. Phantom Line on Eddy. Green Phantom flips Arsenal in and breaks the Kendo stick on him. Junkie-Plex on Eddy! Manny lifts Eddy up onto his shoulders and Green Phantom busts the remains of the Kendo Stick on him from the top rope! Sexxxy Drop Kick on Green Phantom! Arsenal is climbing up top. Sexxxy Slam on Green Phantom, and Eddy cuts off Arsenal at the top and drops him on the Green Phantom! One! Two! JOHNNY! BY! GOD! ACE! Manny and Green Phantom grab Arsenal. "We ALL hate this guy!" At this time, I would like to welcome to my recapping position Good Ol' JR. Take it away JR! "Arsenal has been stretched out prone in mid-air by PCP Crazy Fucking Manny and the Green Phantom. The Sexxx Exxxpress, Sexxxy Eddy is on top! He extends his arms and he stretches to his full extension and... PETER NORTH! PETER NORTH! PETER! BY! GOD! NORTH! and Arsenal has been BROKEN IN HALF! Sexxxy Eddy's split-legged frog splash has destroyed Arsenal! Dynamite Dave is counting with a work glove! One! Two! Three! At 12:12 am (22:00?), Arsenal has been eliminated!"
What do you mean he's been eliminated?
(Yeah! What do you mean he's been eliminated?)
"It's a four corners match, you amateurs, that means that it's an elimination match. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to find my broadcast partner before he gets married to one of the porn stars in back."
(Hey Patterson! Where the hell are you! You said that there no FUCKING RULES in this match! I think that eliminations are a big FUCKING DETAIL you could have told us about you goober!)
Yeah! You know there has to be an association for fourth-rate, two-bit, wanna-be comedians who still live with their parents, and scrape by a living by pan-handling in the Metro between residual checks from their Oldsmobile commercial.
(Yep. Gotta be one, and as soon as I find them, I am lodging an official complaint, MOTHER-FUCKER! You'll never tell a bad joke in this town again!)
Meanwhile, Arsenal is pissed cause no-one told him that it was an elimination match EITHER. He puts Manny in the Tree of Woe and lands a Top-Rope Drop Kick right to the face! Eddy has recovered the splintered remains of the Kendo stick and he swings for the bleachers hitting nothing but Phantom! The Green Phantom chases Eddy outside and throws a chair at him to keep him away from the ring. Green Phantom & Manny lock-up & a clean break? They lock-up & clean break AGAIN? What is this: the Fucking Bolshoi? I know you're tag-team partners, but the title is on the line here. Stop dancing around and killify each other all ready! Manny gets a cover for two, Green Phantom gets a cover for two, and Simultaneous Clothes-lines takes both men down. Eddy is back in with the Kendo Stick. He rolls Green Phantom out and sits him down in a chair damn near right beside me. Sexxxy Swanton from the apron onto the sitting Green Phantom! STEVE ROYDS IS BACK! STEVE ROYDS IS BACK!
(And you doubted! Shame on you, you big mark!)
Steve is stomping Manny and he's putting on a long-sleeved shirt to protect himself from the thumb-tacks! Smart thinking Steve! He sets up a table in the corner and Suplexes Manny into the table! Green Phantom is up and again he is throwing chairs at Eddy to keep him away. Phantom Bomb on Manny for the pin and Manny is eliminated at 12:17! (27:00?)
And it is down to Sexxxy Eddy and the Green Phantom! Sexxxy Roll-Up gets two. Green Phantom goes to the corner and Running Sexxxy Flip gets One! Two! Johnny Ace! Eddy picks up the shattered table and moves it to another corner just in time for the Phantom Spear! Phantom Bomb gets One! Two! Johnny Ace! Phantom puts a chair on Eddy's face and drops the leg. The Two Mountains Wooden Sign of Death is back in the ring! Chair Shot on Eddy to keep him down. Assemble the Green Phantom Device! Sprinkle thumb-tacks on on it! Call your chiropractor! Eddy is back up and he Sexxxy-Plexes Green Phantom onto his own Device! The Two Mountains Wooden Sign of Death NO SELLS! Eddy Splits the Phantom's legs and hits the Jeff Hardy is Sexxxy Leg Drop! Put the Wood on the Phantom's nuts and stomp a mudhole and walk it dry! Eddy retrieves the barb-wire bat! Swing for the cheap seats and NOTHING BUT PHANTOM! The bat sticks to the Phantom! The Green Phantom does the Watusi! Eddy grabs the bat, pulls it down the Green Phantom's chest and gives the Green Phantom a vigourous crotch massage with it! And a Sexxxy Kick to the face knocks Green Phantom to the outside! Eddy rolls outside and eats a chair spear! Eddy is chair-shotted back into the ring. The Green Phantom props the chair on Eddy's face and the Field Goal is Good! Three Points! Phantom rolls outside and throws the Time-Keeper's table in. The Two Mountains crowd starts chanting, "Use the WOOD!" Green Phantom's responds, "You FUCKING BITCHES!" He puts the Two Mountains Wooden Sign of Death on the table. Eddy low blows him with the bat! He bats Green Phantom onto the table! Eddy is standing on the table! Green Phantom throws him off! Phantom Driver on Eddy with an extra spike of the balls for emphasis!
(Should we remind them that that was on thumb-tacks? That was SICK! A Mother-Fucking Spike Pile-Driver onto thumb-tacks!)
ONE! TWO! JOHNNY ACE! Green Phantom can't believe it! The crowd can't believe it! I can't believe it! Eddy takes advantage, stomps a mudhole, walks it dry and goes up top! He gets cut off by the Green Phantom who rearranges Eddy's spine with a neck breaker, but leaves him up top so that he can pull the table near that corner. Phantom's Edge from the top rope onto the table! Green phantom takes his time covering and blocks out Dynamite Dave who circles around him for ONE! TWO! JOHNNY! BY! GOD! ACE! Eddy gets Phantom-Whipped into the corner. He tries to jump the ropes, fucks it up, tries again and hits a Springing Dick to the Mouth press to knock down the Phantom! Eddy goes up top, Sexy-Sault with an extra twist!
(Shooting Star Press!)
(Positive. On a moonsault you face away from the ring. On a Shooting Star Press you face towards the ring.)
Man it's been so long since I've seen Kidman do that move. Let me get this straight. You're telling me that Sexxxy Eddy wearing nothing but a bow-tie and a gold lame g-string just hit a Shooting Star Press onto a ring full of THUMB-TACKS?
(Yep! Crazy Fucker Ain't he?)
Got that right! But that's what it takes to be champion in the IWS. Eddy is... wait a goddamn minute... Eddy is NOT COVERING! Eddy is going back up to do it again! Big Mistake Eddy! Phantom is back up and he throws the Two Mountains Wooden Sign of Death at Eddy. Eddy tries a Dick to the Mouth press, but the Green Phantom does not go down! Spinning Phantom Bomb onto the remains of the table! ONE! TWO! THREE! We have a NEW IWS Champion! 12:27 (37:00?)
Manny has the mike, "You know Green Phantom, I wore that belt and I did some crazy shit wearing that belt. Then that crazy mother-fucker Sexxxy Eddie beat me for the belt and he jumped off the Medley balcony onto a table, and he jumped off these ring platforms here through two tables and he did a mother-fucking Shooting Star Press onto thumbtacks. So I need to know if you're ready to do some crazy shit to keep that belt. I need to know if you're ready to go to the next level to defend that belt. But most of all I need to know how you could choke slam power bomb ME your tag-team partner to eliminate me from reclaiming that belt."
"I'm the new champ boys! And the price that I have to pay for winning this belt is that at the Tournament of Icons, on June 1st, in Two Mountains, I have to defend this belt in an Exploding Ring Match! Now, there's only one man who deserves to be in that match. There's only one man who could survive that match! That man is you: PCP Crazy Fucking Manny, so I ask you will you come to Two Mountains to get blown up with me for this belt?
(I'm getting all misty here. This is so romantic.)
"You know Green Phantom, I've done some crazy shit in my day, but there aren't that many matches left in this scarred drug-riddled body of mine. There was always one match that I wanted to do before I retired though. A match that they've never held in Canada. An exploding ring death match! It will be my honour and privilege to make history with you!"
I never thought that they would put the belt on the Green Phantom. He always struck me as the guy who was so over that he didn't NEED the belt.
At this point, I scurried out of Le Skratch to catch the last bus back to Montreal and civilization...
Ahhh... Who the fuck am I kidding? Of course I stayed for the Wet T-Shirt contest. The Broom Boys put down plastic wrap in the ring and a blue kiddies pool was thrown in around around 12:40. While we waited, the Bride of Lemmy's choice of metal got much, much worse as he started playing death-metal by bands who couldn't carry a tune in a super-tanker, let alone a bucket. At 12:45, the music was mercifully cut short, and the contestants began filing out from the back. Some chaos ensued about five minutes later, when someone realized that it's a little hard to have a wet T-Shirt contest without water.
(I suppose you could do it with draft, but it would be a criminal waste of beer.)
In short order, one and then two buckets of water hit the ring. The first contestant is Chantal, a brunette with a sort of page-boy hair-cut, in blue jeans. Contestant#2 is Elsa Banks a brunette whose shirt is tied at the back instead of the front. She is wearing white panties which is... I'm not sure of the right adjective here...
No, something to do with morale.
No, close though. It was an INSPIRING choice.
(God knows, *I* was inspired.)
We can immediately see that a professional is at work by the way and I think that Elsa is Evilicious' valet The Groupie.
Contestant#3 is Tina and she is clearly an audience member, although she makes up for her lack of experience with charming enthusiasm. She is wearing jeans and Elsa respond to the moment by jumping in with her for some lezzie dancing. Contestant#4 is Mitsie, a blonde with big tits, wearing jeans and a shirt rolled up at the back. Contestant#5 is Isabelle a brunette with her hair in a bun. She is wearing a black skirt and quickly lets us know she is wearing a red thong. Her shirt is rolled up in the front. Contestant#6 is Idele or Angele. She has long blonde hair and is wearing a black skirt. Her shirt is rolled up in the front, and she has the largest breasts next to Mitsie. Isabelle joins her for some lezzie dancing and the flashing starts in earnest.
It quickly becomes apparent that to make it to the next level, lezzie dancing and flashing will be required which quickly eliminates Mitsie and Chantal. Elsa is the next to fall as she urges the crowd to cheer for Tina because, "I'm a porn star! She's not a porn star! Cheer for her! Cheer for Tina!" Wow! She's beautiful, she's talented AND she's generous, I think I'm in love.
(Yeah! Right! You're in a four letter word and it starts with 'L', but it ain't Love.)
I suppose. Angele is eliminated next which surprises me, because usually these events are won by big titted blondes. The finals end up being between Isabelle and Tina, and while Tina gives it her all, she is unable to overcome the majesty of Isabelle's breasts.
(Her plastic surgeon must be very proud.)
As the crowd broke up, I made my way to the Le Skratch washrooms only to be body-checked by Angele on the way there. Just in case there are those who think that I would deliberately collide with a wet half-naked porn-star allow me just to say - not with her bodyguards around. In any case, I had my back to her, so she definitely ran into me.
(Not that we're complaining.)
No, no, not that we're complaining. On my way out of the washrooms, I nearly collided with Iron Mike Patterson, and in a brilliant moment of l'esprit de l'escalier...
(We froze, we choked, we nodded to him like dummies and let him go on his way.)
Leaving me to make the long walk through the wilds of Chomedey to the bridge leading back to Montreal and civilization. As I walked, I thought of what I had just seen, and I wondered:
Where was Evilicious?
What the hell happened to Nixon Stratus?
How are the Hardcore Fucking NINJAZ~ going to fuck up Iceberg and Face of Death?
Could PCP Crazy Fucking Manny and the Green Phantom survive an Exploding Ring Death Match?
And most of all, most importantly:
How the fuck am I going to get to Deux Montagnes and Olympia Arena on June 1st?