IWS: TOURNAMENT OF THE ICONS
I have been working on one of my older, uncompleted recaps to submit to you, but with my ears still ringing like Peter Townshed, I must bring you up to date on the historical, just-completed IWS show: Tournament of the Icons Three. I must give you fair warning though, that this recap may greatly reduce, if not eliminate totally, any and all respect that you had for me, as this particular's recaps theme is that Llakor is a freaking idiot.
( "Freaking Idiot?" Is that the best that you can do? Considering what happened, that's a WEAK description. There are times to use euphemisms and there are times when you have to fall back on a good old-fashioned Anglo-Saxon word like "F..." Bleaah! What the f... Gaarrgh? Where in h... Yeaoowww! Did that mother-f... Bleaah! SOAP! What in the name of the BLUE BLAZER is up with the soap? )
I'm glad you asked. Tournament of the Icons, as long-time IWS watchers know, is a show that the IWS puts on once a year in Deux Montagnes. It is the one show that they hold every year that comes anywhere close to being a family-friendly show. It should be said that based on what I saw last night that they are not always successful in delivering a family-friendly show, but I'm choosing to honour the attempt rather than the breaches. As such, as much as possible, I'm trying to eliminate the swearing that normally breaks out in one of these recaps. One of my minor concerns with my Freedom to Fight recap was that I may have gone a little over-board in following the IWS down into their unique linguistic gutter.
( Fine! Fine! So you're turning into a whiny little grammar Nazi baby-face pus... Yeaow! Mother-f... Bleaah! Bast... Gaarrrgh! Son-of-a-b... Bleaagh! Huh! Huh! Huh! Huh! Huh! Ptooey! OK! Explain yourself, you soap-spewing fascist! Normally, I would welcome a mouthful of Ivory, but NOT IN THIS CASE! )
I figured that a carrot would be insufficient to dissuade you from swearing, so I moved straight to the stick. I've got a Super-Soaker 2000 filled with Ivory Liquid Soap hooked up to the thesaurus. If you start swearing, the Soaker goes off. Now could you read the warning?
( Sieg Heil mon commandante! Ladies and Gentlemen, hide your sheep... )
Not THAT warning! The other one!
( But the sheep need to be hidden! Pat Hamilton was in the tournament,
and where Pat goes, not too far behind must be his partner, Angus that noted
sheep-f... Bleaaahh! MOTHER-F... Aarrgh! Ptooey! Fine! I'm reading the
Ooops! Sorry, my bad!
( You, you are in deep sh... Yeaaow! Up to your knees, in fact, but
you'll be standing on your head at the time! Let me start over:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, we here at slashwrestling would like to warn you that
you are about to be made privy to acts of idiocy, stubbornness and general
stupidity that are not for the faint of heart. If you are the kind of person
who cringes at the sight of a grown man making a complete and utter NIM-NUL
out of himself, please, we beg of you, hit 'BACK' now. The opinions
expressed herein are those of the writer and do not necessarily reflect the
opinions of this site or of the Internet Wrestling Syndicate. This recap is
the transcript of a live show based on Llakor's notes and reflects merely
HIS poor memory of what HE saw and heard, which may or may not be what
actually happened. We don't recap punches. As usual, pay no attention to the
man behind the parentheses except possibly for this warning that I am
forcing him to read."
Now for those who read my last recap, the Tournament of Icons is held in Deux Montagnes, a sleepy suburb waaaaaay the *um* heck outside of Montreal. Fortunately, there is a train that goes from the CN central station out to Deux Montagnes, but Deux Montagnes is quite literally the end of the line. On Saturdays, there is a train that leaves at 5:30 p.m. from Central Station and arrives at Deux Montagnes at 6:08 p.m. As well, there is a train that returns to Montreal at 12:30 a.m. arriving at Central Station at 1:08 a.m. Since the doors to the Olympia Arena opened at 7:00 p.m., and I had Saturday off, it appeared that I would have plenty of time to get out to the ends of the earth and back.
As well, in my last recap, I had watched the show from what is known at the Skratch as the "Two Mountains position". Having experienced that way of watching the show, I decided that for this show I would experience the show as a member of the Red Army. The Red Army General courteously extended to me an invitation to sit with his Hard-Core soldiers. Since the seating at the Olympia Arena was general admission, the Red Army General had been given an opportunity by IWS management to get advance seating. In order to get these advance seats, the Red Army soldiers would have to arrive at the back of the Olympia Arena at 7:00 pm sharp to choose their seats. So, to all outward appearances, I had everything set, a day off to see the show, a way to get to the show, primo seats to see the show with and a group of people to see the show with. The Monday before the show, however, my well-laid plans began to fall apart...
( Wait! Wait! I have some unfinished business from the last show. In fact, I would like to introduce a new feature to these recaps. Now is the time, where I, the Great and Mighty Oz, point out all the errors that Llakor made in the last recap. )
Grrrr... All right, go ahead.
( First up, I have here a letter from the Rougeau trainees, Beef Wellington and Kamikaze Kid. To start with, they would like us to use their "real" names in the recaps, rather than referring to them as Rougeau Red-Head and Rougeau Blondie. )
*Sigh* But that's a long-standing tradition dating back to the Rougeau shows where Rougeau Red-Head was in the team of Handsome JF and Gorgeous Neil and I called him Red-Head, while the Rougeau Blondie was in the team of Tornado Dylan Joffre and Le Kid Kevin Steen and I called him Black Shirt. Now, if I've got this right, Rougeau Red-Head is Beef Wellington and at the Rougeau shows, he was Gorgeous Neil. As for Rougeau Blondie aka Kid Kamikaze, Beef Wellington on the IWS web-site, or a poster claiming to be Beef, said that Kamikaze Kid was NOT le Kid Kevin Steen, so by a process of elimination, he must be Tornado Dylan Joffre.
( You're sure now. )
I'm pretty confident.
( Are we going to refer to them by Beef Wellington & Kid Kamikaze? )
I'll take it under advisement.
( Next, in the same letter from the Rougeau trainees, they would like to point out that when you claimed that they were going for stereo Asai Moonsaults, that they were in fact going for, and I'm quoting here: "stereo flying head lock takeovers". )
What? Are you sure you were reading that right? They were coming from opposite sides of the ring and opposite sides of Onyx. They would have been pulling him in opposite directions. How were they planning on taking him down?
( I thought it was weird, too. )
In any case, whatever it was they were trying, they missed. I'll admit I was giving them the benefit of the doubt on the Asai moonsaults in the same way that you give someone the benefit of the doubt on a flying elbow when the opponent rolls out of the way.
( Moving on, I have here from the referee who is not Peanut. It appears that he is in fact NOT Dynamite Dave as we reported, but Lieutenant Ruffneck of the Red Army. Dave hasn't done any shows since Born to Bleed. )
AARRRGH! Why is IWS referee situation so complicated? THIS, THIS, I blame entirely on Iron Mike Patterson. At Born to Bleed, he made such a big deal out of introducing Dynamite Dave. I never saw them switch referees, but then again I wasn't looking for a referee switch either, since they never introduced a second referee. After my Born to Bleed recap went up, Peanut e-mailed me to say that he was the other referee. Immediately I went, "What other referee?" At the next IWS show, Season's Beatings, I paid close attention for the referee switch, but it was always the same guy. So I e-mailed back Peanut and he said that Dynamite Dave hadn't shown and that he had done all the refereeing. Naturally, I was suspicious, but at the subsequent IWS show, Extreme Dream Part#1, I finally saw two referees and the one who had been at Season's Beatings was introduced as Peanut by Patterson. At this point, I thought I had it all figured out, Peanut was Peanut and the second referee was Dynamite Dave, but, of course, I was wrong. Ruffneck has STILL never been introduced as Ruffneck. Again, I blame Patterson.
( So nice to see you taking personal responsibility. )
Heh. It is always nice to get feedback. Is there anything in the mailbag from the Two Mountains mob? After we referred to them as drunken knuckle-dragging losers, I figured that they would be flooding us with insults and/or complaints.
( Your mistake. You are making the ridiculous assumption that those mouth-breathing simians can read and/or write. No, the only other remark that needs to be addressed is from Kid Kamikaze of the Rougeau Trainees, who described our last recap as "astute... even though it was chalked full of errors..." If you are reading, Kid, *I* am astute, *HE* is chalked full of errors. )
Moving on... Or rather backtracking a little:
So, to all outward appearances, I had everything set, a day off to see the show, a way to get to the show, primo seats to see the show with and a group of people to see the show with. The Monday before the show, however, my well-laid plans began to fall apart...
One of the reasons that I have the job that I do now is that I have a certain amount of experience in running job fairs and coordinating mass job interviews even though I have no formal human resources background. On the Friday before the show, my District Manager asked me to transfer stores on Monday, and help the Store Manager there by recruiting ten new staff members. Which is how I found myself on Monday saying that the best way to recruit a lot of staff for a retail store in a hurry is to announce that you will be doing interviews on the spot and set two days aside for the purpose, the best two days being Friday and Saturday. It took a few seconds for my brain to catch up to the fact that my mouth had just talked me out of my Saturday off.
( Mistake Numero Uno! )
So it was that I found myself on Saturday interviewing an electrical engineer from Beijing wondering why in hell she was applying for a job that paid just over minimum wage. I had scheduled myself to do interviews until 4:00 pm on Saturday, and miraculously I actually finished the last of my 90 interviews by 4:10 pm. If I had been smart, I would have grabbed my jacket and fled the store as quickly as I could, but I ended up puttering around at a few odd jobs that I had left around the store and didn't walk out the door for another half-hour.
( Mistake Numero Dos! )
I had been paid the day before, but hadn't cashed my cheque yet, so I got off the Metro at Snowdon to deposit my cheque at the Royal Bank right by the Metro. As soon as I got off the Metro, I glanced at the time and freaked because it was nearly 5:00 pm. Rather than going to the bank, I waited for the next Metro.
( Mistake Numero Tres! What makes that mistake particularly stupid is that there are three Royal Bank terminals at the Bonaventure station right by the CN Central station.)
At this point, I should have gone straight to Bonaventure station, but instead I got off before Bonaventure, dashed to my apartment, chucked my Doc Martens, grabbed my sneakers, threw off my work clothes and threw on a pair of jeans and a red shirt, grabbed an empty note-book, and charged back to the Metro, getting there at 5:20 pm, at which point, I knew I was totally, completely, royally scr... Bleaargh! SOAP!
( The Soap-Gun works on you too? Ha! Mistake Numero Quatros & Quintos! And what was the point of the red shirt again?)
Ptooey! To show solidarity with the Red Army of course!
( You are such a weenie. )
So I took the Metro back up to Cote Vertu with some half-baked notion of
trying to beat the train to the Du Ruisseau train station. Realizing that
that was never going to happen, I went to the Royal Bank by the Cote Vertu
Metro and deposited my cheque and took out some money. Wandering over to the
taxi stand, I tried to negotiate a price to Deux Montagnes. The drivers were
resistant, but I told them that I didn't know if I had enough to pay for the
trip. One of the drivers finally hemmed and hawed and said that it would
cost $40. I decided that that was too much and instead grabbed a 215 bus to
get me to the entrance of Autoroute 13, figuring that that would cut about a
quarter of the trip out, and save me some money. Catching a cab there, I
ended up with a driver with no frigging clue on how to get to Deux
Montagnes, or once there, how to get to the Olympia Arena. Leading to the
following conversation between myself, the driver and his dispatcher:
( Just for those following at home, this means that we ended up taking a half-hour bus ride for the privilege of paying five extra bucks to get to the arena. Again, Llakor is a freaking idiot. )
With all of that drama, I was only 5 minutes late getting into the arena. I figured that I was too late for the meeting in the back, so I went through the front entrance. The line-up at the front was not too severe and I ended up having a nice conversation with two older gentlemen who were related to one of the guys in the opening Dark Match Battle Royale. I should have gotten the name of the guy that they were there to see, but from their comments I gathered that he was getting eliminated early, so I didn't want to spoil anything. They razzed me about the cab that I got out of, recognizing that it came from waaaaay outside of Deux Montagnes.
( Tipped off by the lack of drooling on the part of the cab-driver no doubt. )
Actually, I think that they recognized the cab company. They asked me if I was coming from the airport, so I played the 'Serious Internet Wrestling Journalist' card.
( It's so odd that that impresses the rubes, but it does. One of the keys to spotting a "smart" fan is that when you say that you are there to write about the event, they start snickering. On the other hand, if it is a "smark", they usually respond by pulling out a notebook, saying, "Me, too!", and insisting on comparing notes. *Shudder* )
I paid my $11.50 and made my way into Olympia Arena. Curtains covered the stands and the set-up for the show was on the arena floor proper. On the right side of the arena, three squares of chairs -15 by 9 - were set up facing towards the left side of the arena. Between the first and second square was a long aisle leading to an exit and a gap of the curtains on either side of the exit, just enough for a wrestler to run up the stairs and jump off the platform above the exit. A long aisle led from the front of the arena to the back separating the right and left sides of the arena. On the left side of the arena was another square of chairs directly in front of the first square of chairs on the right side. This square consisted of 13 by 15 chairs and faced towards the back. Directly in front of that square was a set of ring barriers, an elevated platform and the ring which was also directly in front of the second square on the right. Behind the ring, continuing to the back of the arena was a large screen tilted 45 degrees away from the ring so as to face most of the audience. Behind the screen was a large open area perfect for out-of-the-ring beat downs. Stretching from the back of the arena, a series of ring barriers, 13 in all, extended from the back curving around the ring, passing in front of the foremost seats in the left square and ending at the left wall of the arena. On that left wall was a large extended platform which included a camera stand at the extreme left, an announce table at the far left, and a wrestler entrance in the centre made of metal tubes, four multicolored stage-lights, and a sign proclaiming 'Tournament of the Icons'. On the announce table was to quote my notes, "a big-ass trophy" seriously the sucker was easily six inches taller than I am. Leading down from the platform, just to the left and in front of the wrestler entrance, and between the ring barrier and the ring was a ramp leading to a small platform which was nearly ring height and located about the middle of the ring. Directly in front of that small platform was a larger, lower platform which extended out past the ring to the border of the ring barrier. Passing the left square of seats, my moron detector went off, alerting me to the presence of the Deux Montagnes mob, quickly confirmed by the smell of cheap beer, cheaper cologne, and bad breath. Hurrying past, I discovered the Red Army installed directly to the front of the center square of seats. As I had hoped, they had in fact saved me a seat.
( To be technically accurate, they had saved a number of seats, we just got there early enough to claim one. The fact that it wasn't necessarily saved for US was confirmed by the arrival of Colonel Meez of the Red Army who showed up half an hour late and three sheets to the wind. No spot being available, he grabbed a chair and plunked himself down in front of me, where he proceeded to start on the serious drinking at hand. )
The Red Army was unveiling their new T-Shirts at this show which are very boss with the Red Army logo on the front, and "Is It Safe?!" on the the back.
( That's a trick question, by the way. It's NEVER safe with the Red Army around. )
I also got to meet the Red Army General who has been busy defending me from the Rougeau trainees on the IWS chat board under some delusion that I have hordes of readers, and that I am bringing the IWS tons of publicity. It should be said that, in person, the Red Army General does not greatly resemble a General. He looks more like Wilson from Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, the horticulturalist.
( Don't you mean a hortifuc... Bleargh! That it is one complete thesaurus! )
I ended up on the far right of the Red Army, fortunately for me because it meant that I was sitting directly to the left of the Timekeeper, a cool older gentleman, who graciously allowed me to use his table to write notes on.
( Not that we asked permission or anything. )
Now, normally, I would NEVER sit next to the Timekeeper at an IWS event, because they usually give him a great big table that you just know that someone is going to be thrown through during the course of the evening. But we were a good ten feet from the stage and he had a little bitty table so I felt safe. Directly to his right was a member of the stage crew by the name of Technical Difficulties, who was in charge of "25, 000 dollars worth of equipment!" as he let us know over and over and over again. The purpose of the equipment was to run the clips, promos and show footage on the screen in front of us.
One interesting aspect of the placement of the Two Mountains mob and the Red Army soldiers is the way that it points to the psychology of both groups. The Two Mountains mob clustered around the ring entrance got the instant gratification that they desired. By contrast, the Red Army soldiers chose a position where they could see everything from the entrance to the out-of-ring shenanigans. The Red Army position was infinitely more... strategically chosen than the Two Mountains position, high-lighting the vast difference in the intellectual capacities of the two groups.
At 7:15, clips from previous Tournament of the Icons were shown under the heading of "Do You Remember the Insanity?" The clips included footage of Jake the Snake Roberts, Jim the Anvil Neidhart, Carl XL Leduc, as well as some really disturbing footage: One of the NINJAZ~ and his bloody mangled back, Arsenal Irish-Whipping Manny into a corner filled with fluorescent light-bulbs and the subsequent explosion of glass that made even Arsenal cringe, and the Sexxx Exxxpress, Sexxxy Eddy in one of the more bizarre clips that I have ever EVER seen, standing on the top turn buckle with a garbage can, placing the garbage can on his head, moonsaulting off the turn buckle towards a table outside the ring, missing the table and landing garbage can first on his head.
( To be perfectly accurate, he didn't completely miss the table. He did clip off a corner of the table the size of a pie plate. )
That somehow just makes it worse. As I sketched the arena into my notes, I spotted Beef Wellington walking around, as well as the Great Malaka. They eventually sat down to our right. There was also a walking pin-cushion wearing a CZW t-shirt who I gather was down as a representative of CZW doing some form of scouting/filming. Seriously, He looked like Albert, Droz's personal piercing artist, would take one look at him, and just shake his head sadly, and put the tools away. The Bride of Lemmy was also walking around with a garbage can, on this night trading his DJ duties for Broom-Man status as the two Broom-Boys no-showed. His lack of input in the DJ booth was immediately obvious by the dramatic increase in quality of the tunes including Hendrix's "Hey, Joe" at 7:30. While we waited for the action to start, someone passed out flyers announcing the next IWS show, outdoors at the Montreal Fringe Festival, Friday, June 15th.
The announced card for the tournament was a Dark Match Battle Royale with the winner facing TNT in the first round of the tournament. The other brackets of the tournament were The Natural Super-Star, Big Steve Royds vs The Sexxx Exxxpress, Sexxxy Eddy, Arsenal vs. Onyx, and Brutus the Barber Beefcake vs Pat the Highlander Hamilton. The Hardcore Ninjaz were also scheduled to defend their title against Iceberg and Face of Death, and the main event, of course, was promised as Green Phantom vs PCP Crazy Freaking Manny in an Exploding Ring Death Match. Now, I was wondering what the devil a dark match battle royale was. I figured that it was going to include all the IWS stars not in the tournament: Los Latinos, Angus, the Rougeau trainees, Heavy Max Fury, the Great Malaka, Nixon Stratus, maybe Precious Lucy, possibly a few other non-IWS guys to round out the field. At 7:40, the ring announcer came down to tell me just how wrong I was.
( And may I just say that the putz with the mike was the worst ring announcer ever! )
Yeah, Iron Mike Patterson no-showed the event and he must have arranged to have his drooling, knuckle-dragging, mouth-breathing, in-bred hill-billy Deux Montagnes cousin do the event because this guy was AWFUL.
( Makes you think that Patterson deliberately found the worst replacement possible so that we would appreciate him more. )
Right. At 7:40 the Ring Announcer, nIMPy, came down to inform us that Commissioner Joe Fitzmorris had benevolently decided to allow a wild card into the Tournament of the Icons. The wild card spot to be given to the winner of a dark match battle royale featuring the members of the NGW wrestling school. NGW standing for New Generation Wrestling. I immediately had a bad feeling, quickly confirmed, that this was some kind of Quebec back-woods Ring Rats clone. To my horror, the ring quickly filled with guys young enough to be carded at the beer tables, and in Quebec where you can get a six-pack at any corner store worthy of the name depanneur, too young to drink is damn young.
Entering first were the referees, both Peanut and Ruffneck. nIMPy announced
the NGW wrestlers but between his lousy announcing and my bad hearing, I may
have garbled some of the names. In order of entrance:
The Red Army immediately adopted "This Guy" as our favourite. We began a "This Guy" chant. The group of fans immediately to our right began a response that they would continue all night by waiting a beat after we finished chanting, "This Guy..." and then chanting, "...Sucks" The Two Mountains mob, upset that so much attention was being paid to one individual, began chanting, "You ALL Suck!" As the bell rang, a guy in a Superman shirt charged down the ramp, entered the ring, posed on the ropes and was immediately Bushwhackered out, and with that bit of nonsense out of the way, the usual battle royale cluster-fight broke out and it was SCRAPTACULAR~ spiced with SUCK~. I quickly realized that I had made a tactical recapping error by not writing descriptions by the names for the wrestlers, making it difficult, if not impossible, to keep track of what was going on. Recapping a Royal Rumble or Battle Royale live isn't easy at the best of times, but when you have no idea of who is who, it borders on the ridiculous. In addition, for philosophical, as well as space reasons, I refuse to recap punches, so for the first part of the battle royale there wasn't really much to write down as the match broke down into four separate corner beat downs. It quickly became apparent that there were two heel groups at work: two guys in blue shirts, and TheNGWchampionZero and his goon Nick Dems. The other six wrestlers fought as individuals, meaning that even though the heels were outnumbered, they had the advantage of teamwork to overcome the odds. I was mildly comforted by this gesture in the direction of story-telling, but otherwise I was considering tossing my pen and notebook, and going to pick up a beer, when the most amazing thing happened: QUALITY~ broke out. As "This Guy", a guy in white, a guy in red and one of the two heels in blue were all eliminated in short order, a wrestler with long flowing white hair started flying all over the ring, landing crisply executed moves beginning with a kick to the back of the legs of one of the heels in blue, followed immediately by a spin-kick to the face that took my breath away. As the wrestler in red tried to take advantage of our shock at an actual professional looking wrestling maneuver being performed to slip back into the ring, only to be blocked by Peanut, the Bride with White Hair performed a nifty Face-Buster on the Heel in Blue, following up with a sparkling Neck-Breaker from the top rope. Sadly, just when I was starting to root for White Hair, he was super-kicked out of the ring by the Heel in Blue, who was in turn eliminated by TheNGWchampionZero and his goon Nick Dems. They double-team Arm Flip Suplexed him to the outside onto his partner in blue heel crime and White Hair. The heels in blue immediately began to relieve their frustration at being eliminated by beating the stuffing out of White Hair as they kicked his ass right up the ramp. Meanwhile, TheNGWchampionZero and his goon Nick Dems rolled out of the ring underneath the ropes, leaving Dewey Handsome and a guy in a Spidey shirt battling it out in the center of the ring. After rolling out, TheNGWchampionZero and his goon Nick Dems asked Peanut, "We're not eliminated, are we?" A valid question, but perhaps one that they might have asked BEFORE rolling out of the ring. Peanut reassured TheNGWchampionZero and his goon Nick Dems that they were not in fact eliminated, as they had gone under the ropes not over them. Relieved, TheNGWchampionZero and his goon Nick Dems grabbed a beer(s) and a chair(s) from a spectator(s), and sat down to take in the battle between Dewey and Spidey Shirt, who were absolutely beating the tar out of each other in the centre of the ring. As the two traded Pile-Drivers, a Tarantula Pile-Driver for Dewey and a Tombstone Pile-Driver for Spidey Shirt, I pondered the morality of performing a pile-driver on someone who isn't even old enough to shave. Once Dewey and Spidey Shirt had killified each other enough for our amusement to leave both staggering, TheNGWchampionZero and his goon Nick Dems reentered the ring with their chairs, and executed two WEAK~ chair shots on Dewey and Spidey Shirt. TheNGWchampionZero clotheslined Dewey out and over to the floor, while his goon Nick Dems tried to clothesline Spidey Shirt and instead found his momentum used to propel his goon self to the outside. TheNGWchampionZero Irish-Whipped Spidey Shirt into the corner, and began a corner beat down, only to reveal that he punches like a girl and chops like an infant. Grabbing his chair, TheNGWchampionZero swung and missed, but he was able to check his swing before bouncing the chair off the ropes and into his face. Holding up the chair with one hand, TheNGWchampionZero pointed to his head with his free hand proclaiming to everyone that, "I'm smart! I'm the smartest man in Two Mountains!" As I reflected to myself that being the smartest man in Two Mountains is nothing to boast about, Spidey Shirt drop-kicked the chair into TheNGWchampionZero's face. Spidey Shirt began running the ropes to take advantage, but the goon Nick Dems chair shot him to the back as he bounced off the ropes. Spidey Shirt limped to a corner away from goon Nick Dems, and went up top. Jumping off the top, he was caught by TheNGWchampionZero, and it's time for SPINE ON THE PINE! The goon Nick Dems pushed his chair into the ring and the Red Army soldier to my left Curious George wondered aloud, "Are they allowed to do that?" I refrained from pointing out that the IWS is a hard-core promotion, and in any case in a Battle Royale the referees are outside the ring, so you can do whatever you want inside the squared circle. Meanwhile the cruel hand of IRONY~ had injected itself into the match as Spidey Shirt had gotten control of the chair and beat TheNGWchampionZero to the ground and propped the chair on his face. Two WEAK~ leg-drops followed, partially redeemed by TheNGWchampionZero staggering to his feet and Flair Flop selling the chair-assisted leg-drops. With the match all but won, Spidey Shirt demonstrated his Two Mountains roots by pulling off the single dumbest move that I have ever seen in a Battle Royale. He decided to Razor's Edge TheNGWchampionZero out of the ring, but in order to perform the move, he went over the ropes onto the ring apron and hoisted TheNGWchampionZero onto his shoulders while standing on the ring apron. The goon Nick Dems grabbed a Kendo Stick and swatted Spidey Shirt who dropped TheNGWchampionZero back into the ring and then fell off the apron into goon Nick Dems arms. For a good ten seconds, the goon Nick Dems held up Spidey Shirt before realizing that all he had to do give his boss, TheNGWchampionZero, the win was drop Spidey Stick to the floor which he finally did holding his arms up in victory as he did so. The winner at 7:55 (15:00?), TheNGWchampionZero.
A much better Battle Royale than I had been dreading once I saw the competitors. I don't understand why they allowed the heel champion to win though. The winner is facing TNT, another heel. Given that it will be a man vs. boy contest, the crowd's loyalties will swing to the side of the younger home-town heel over the older TNT, but why create the chance of divided loyalties? Giving the victory to a baby-face gives TNT even more heel heat and gives the NGW room to build on the match with a feud between Zero and the baby-face who beat the heel champion in a non-title match. Plus, then Zero and his goon can do a run-in to help TNT win, kicking off that feud and putting even more heel heat on TNT. In addition, if you are going to have a natural underdog like a wrestler so green that he does not even have a name, you might as well let him go deep into the match. Teasing his elimination without actually eliminating him would only boost his support from a crowd already predisposed to cheer him. And I take it that the "dark match" part of the battle royale was just that it was taking place before the "PPV", except of course that no-one is broadcasting this, and I have a sneaking feeling that if they do a tape of Tournament of the Icons Three that the battle royale will be on it.
At 7:57, they reran the Tournament of Icons promo clip. Afterwards, the Two Mountains mob unveiled the Two Mountains Wooden Sign of Death for this show with "Fuck the Red" on one side, and "Get With The Green" on the other side.
( Whoa there Reverend Slick! How come you can say Fuc... Yeaarrgh! Ptooey! Without getting soaped? )
Because I am quoting. As the Red Army waited for the next match, we tried to guesstimate the crowd, eventually agreeing that it looked to be about 550 people. An argument quickly broke out about the crowd at Born to Bleed, with Curious George swallowing the IWS propaganda that there was over a thousand at the show, while myself and the Red Army soldier to Curious George's left argued for the more realistic figure of 600. I then made my complaints about the booking on the Battle Royale, which Curious George dismissed out of hand, arguing that TNT is a good enough heel to make anyone a baby-face, and that the contrast between TNT, the champion of technical wrestling, and Zero, the young relatively untrained wrestler, will be enough. We then began the entirely hypothetical discussion as to which IWS wrestlers, if any, we would ever see in a WWWF ring. I championed the NINJAZ~ and Steve Royds. Curious George agreed with me on the NINJAZ~, disagreed with me about Steve, while acknowledging that he has the right look, and added TNT and Arsenal to the mix. I disagreed with him about TNT, but acknowledged the brilliance of Arsenal even if he is awfully small. At which point, my opinion of Curious George's wresting acumen hit rock bottom, as he suggested that TNT's tag partner Heavy Maxx Fury was right behind TNT in talent. *I* think that Maxx is sloppy as hell, and that he is going to break his neck doing his Furycanrana one of these days. I then had to explain the concept of working 'sloppy' to Curious George, which killed time until they ran a promo reel of the events at Freedom to Fight. The promo reel this time around was much improved, as they told the story of how the Exploding Ring Death Match came to be booked, including running the complete promos by PCP, Crazy Freaking Manny and the Green Phantom, after the Green Phantom won the IWS title. The rest of the promo reel was the usual clips of random violence but this promo reel was definitely a step in the right direction. After the promo reel ran, a "We Want Mike" chant broke out.
( And I would just like to point out that if, instead of panicking, we had taken the NEXT train to Deux Montagnes, that left Bonaventure station at 7:30 pm, we would have arrived at Olympia Arena about now. So we paid $45.00 to see a bunch of teenagers throw themselves over the top rope. )
At 8:20, Commissioner Joe Fitzmorris drove into the arena in a Deux Montagnes police car, parking in the empty area behind the promo screen. A "Fuck the Police" chant broke out. "Welcome to my Tournament of the Icons! It will be quite the EXPLOSIVE night as our very own hardcore hero, from the Ancient Green Hills of Two Mountains that surround this very arena, the IWS champion, the Green Phantom will defend his title against PCP, Crazy Freaking Manny in an Exploding Ring Death Match. When the match starts, a clock will begin counting down, at the count of ten minutes, the ring will EXPLODE! As for the tournament, show me the line-up!" And in his first major test, Technical Difficulties chokes, as his computer crashes. An "Arsenal" chant breaks out. "What are you doing? What do I pay you for? Unless you can figure it out NOW, you'll have to find a new job. Very well, the tournament brackets are: NGW champion Zero against TNT, Arsenal, the one man war, against Onyx, the human destruction machine, your former champion, your sexual fantasy, the Sexxx Exxxpress, Sexxxy Eddie against the All Natural One, Steve Royds and Pat the Highlander Hamilton against the hair and Sleeper master Brutus, the Barber, Beefcake. Finally, in a match for the IWS tag-team title, the champions, the Hardcore NINJAZ~ against the challengers Faces of Death and Iceberg. Show me the stills so we can show last year's champion. There's last year's champion Carl XL Leduc, and that's me, your commissioner, busting the trophy on that loser's head. This man has lost his mind, and he is no longer with us. I'd like to thank the Tartan Pub, after the show go drink there. I'd like to thank le Cage aux Sports."
Interesting how busting a trophy on Carl Leduc's head, which last year made the Commissioner a heel and got him booed, this year makes him a baby-face and gets him cheered. The picture they flashed of Carl Leduc with a can of beer in his hand and beer suds trickling out of his mouth that makes him look like a rabid dog was going a little over the top, I think.
At 8:30, a "We Want Mike" chant breaks out as nIMPy, the ring announcer makes his way to the ring to introduce, "at 195 pounds, the NGW champion, ZERO!" Zero is wearing his belt as well as a black shirt, beige cargo short pants and red wrestling gloves. He is accompanied by his goon Nick Dems. "He thinks that you're all freaking idiots, currently the Quebec champion, at 190 pounds, TNT!" Methinks that either Zero is exaggerating his weight just a touch, or TNT is understating his weight a little, or both. TNT is wearing what I assume is the FLQ title belt. He has blue hair, black sweatpants with a blue stripe running down the sides and blue elbow pads. TNT grabs the mike, "I'm from anywhere other than this stink hole of a town!" The Two Mountain mob responds, "You Suck Dick!" "Don't confuse me with your mothers! Who the hell are you? The NGW Champion? What the hell is NGW? New Gay Wrestling? I'm gonna kick your queer ass and I'm gonna take your belt and I'm going to the next round! You can ALL kiss my ass!" The bell rings at 8:35; Peanut is the ref. The crowd starts a "Fuck the FLQ" chant which brings TNT to the apron. TheNGWchampionZero convinces him to come in and they lock-up. TheNGWchampionZero gets TNT in an arm-bar and executes a nice arm-bar face plant. TNT gets up PISSED and he pushes TheNGWchampionZero who responds with a SMH Slap! And TNT retaliates with a low blow. He covers TheNGWchampionZero by sitting on his face, but Peanut refuses to count. TNT goes up top and Drop-Kicks TheNGWchampionZero into next week. TheNGWchampionZero rallies briefly, but TNT knocks him down and stomps a mud hole and walks it dry. Having seen enough, the goon Nick Dems climbs to the top rope and body presses TNT. TheNGWchampionZero and his goon Nick Dems double-team TNT and drop him neck first into the ropes. Double-team SPINE ON THE PINE! Double-team Elbow Drop! A leg drop cover by TheNGWchampionZero gets two. A leg drop from the top by TheNGWchampionZero gets two. TheNGWchampionZero rolls out of the ring to have a tantrum, comforted by his goon Nick Dems. TNT recovers, goes up top and a body press to the outside wipes everybody out. TNT rolls in TheNGWchampionZero and Irish-Whips him to the buckle. Stinger Splash by TNT gets... NOTHING... BUT... BUCKLE! TheNGWchampionZero grabs TNT and executes this wacky sit-out power bomb thingie, and then motions his goon Nick Dems up onto the apron with a chair. The cruel hand of IRONY~ interjects as TNT reverses the Irish Whip sending TheNGWchampionZero into the chair. TNT grabs him on the way down and rolls him up school-boy style, pulling on the cargo shorts for the pin at 8:40 (5:00?) Ex-NGW Champion Zero's own fault really, for wearing those goofy looking cargo shorts.
One of the reasons that I have a hard time jumping on the TNT, technical heel, bandwagon is that TNT never really shows me anything all that technical. Take this match, where TNT has a perfect opportunity to stretch a green wrestler like he's made out of taffy and the most technical move that TNT showed us was an Irish Whip reversal.
Ring Announcer nIMPy is out and the crowd starts taunting him, so he responds, "You want to throw more insults my way or see the next match?" The crowd thinks for a nanosecond and then starts chanting, "Insults!" HA! "The ICW champion at 165 pounds, from Cochrane, Ontario, the One Man War, Arsenal." Arsenal comes out with his manager, the Motivator of Madness aka Skeletor. He is, as usual, brandishing a kendo stick and this show he is wearing a t-shirt that proclaims "2MO Sucks!" Arsenal grabs the mike, "You people are lucky because I am going to explain some hard truths to you. I lived in this shithole for 13 years and no one EVER gave me any respect! I've been coming to this tournament for three years and every year I get screwed out of the trophy! Show the footage! See this is from the first Tournament of the Icons, The Sexxx Exxxpress, Sexxxy Eddy is covering me and the referee is counting the pin, but my shoulders never touched the mat! And here we are at Tournament of the Icons Two and Manny is getting the win, but he never pinned me, my shoulders were off the mat! Well, I am not getting screwed again! Tonight the trophy comes home, baby!"
The coolest thing about that is the way that Skeletor was using the Kendo Stick as a pointer. Onyx's name is shown on the screen along with his weird ass catch-phrase "AHHHH-EHHHH!" The bell rings at 8:45, Ruffneck is the ref. The Red Army begins a "Kamala" chant for Onyx. Arsenal Line and Onyx no-sells. Lather, Rinse, Repeat. Lather, Rinse, Repeat. Onyx begins running the ropes and does his Leap-Frog which I always find impressive as the big man has quite the vertical leap for a man who weighs 330 pounds. Arsenal comes off the ropes and Onyx throws him for a MONSTROUS Face-Plant! Arsenal crawls to the corner and Onyx splashes him into mush. Onyx tries to Irish-Whip Arsenal out of the corner, but Arsenal clings to the ropes to block. Arsenal delivers a side-kick to the back of Onyx's head and uses the ropes to give himself momentum for a big-ass DDT. But Onyx's head is too damn hard and he bounces back up, catches Arsenal running the ropes, and you will believe that a dirty white boy can fly! Arsenal lands on his face, and Onyx drags him outside to violate him, dropping him on the ring barrier directly in front of the Red Army, and then dropping a huge leg on the back of Arsenal's head while he is hung up on the barrier. The Red Army, staunch supporters of Arsenal, begin a "Fuck You Onyx" chant. Onyx gathers the broken pieces of Arsenal and rolls him in. Arsenal buys himself some time with a low blow, and retrieves his Kendo Stick from Skeletor. And he attacks Onyx's ANKLE with the Kendo Stick! Lather, Rinse, Repeat! "One More Time" and the Kendo Stick is splintered into pieces. Arsenal applies the Maple Leaf and cinches back on the move, but Onyx uses his strength to press out. Arsenal kicks Onyx's ANKLE to drop him on his butt, and then Drop-Kicks Onyx in the face for two, thrown off with authority! Skeletor is in with a chair for Arsenal, and Arsenal delivers a chair-shot to Onyx's ANKLE! Skeletor holds the chair in place as Arsenal goes to the outside of the apron, so that he can slingshot himself over the ropes to drop a leg on the chair into Onyx's ANKLE! Arsenal applies a sitting submission hold on the ANKLE, so Onyx BITES him! Arsenal cinches back on the hold, and Onyx gives up on the biting and uses his strength to push out. Both men are up and Onyx Clothes-Lines Arsenal inside-out with a lemon twist. Onyx is limping, but he manages his Fall-Away Slam. The next move in his arsenal is a Side-Walk Slam, but in the middle of that move, Onyx's ankle gives out and the cruel hand of IRONY~ intrudes as Onyx ends up dropping Arsenal on his knee. Onyx recovers and grabs Arsenal for a Vertical Suplex, but while he is holding Arsenal upside down, Skeletor kicks Onyx's ANKLE! Onyx collapses and once again IRONY~ intrudes as Arsenal is dropped right on his head. Arsenal is up slowly, tries a side-kick to Onyx's face, but he is caught and thrown into the corner. ONYX Splash! Onyx is climbing up top, but he is cut-off by a low-blow! Arsenal pulls Onyx down, kicks him in the stoumach, and gets Skeletor to hold the chair over Onyx's face so that he can climb the opposite corner and deliver the Van Terminator! ONE! TWO! JOHNNY ACE! Onyx's shoulder is up! But Ruffneck counts THREE! Arsenal Wins! 8:55 (10:00?) After the bell, Onyx puts a beating on Lieutenant Ruffneck of the Red Army.
That may very well have been the best IWS match that I have ever seen!
( What in the name of all that's holy are you jabbering about? There were no blood, no thumb-tacks, no barb-wire, no fluorescent light tubes, no tables, just Arsenal going after Onyx's ankle like a rabid pit-bull and Onyx selling the crap out of it. )
Yep! The more I think about it, the better that I like that match! I especially admire the fact that when Onyx was unable to hit his offence properly because of the weak ankle, Arsenal ended up taking bumps that were even worse than if Onyx had been able to hit his moves properly. Now, if they ever do a rematch, Onyx should wear some sort of hidden metal bracer on his ankle, so that when Arsenal goes for the chop-block he comes up with a bruised or broken arm.
( Why are you giving Onyx advice on how to beat Arsenal? We [heart] Arsenal. We loathe Onyx. Plus we are sitting with the Red Army who idolize Arsenal. )
You are just trying to suck up to them, because you want one of their t-shirts.
( Well, YEAH! Have you seen their t-shirts? They're awesome! )
And you call me a weenie. I just think that Onyx & Arsenal could have a nice little feud. Having started the animosity in proper ol' skool style, they should continue it that way with each wrestler adapting his moves and style to give himself a better chance of winning.
The Ring Announcer, nIMPy, is back out, "Listen you Shits, from 18 Inch Long Beach at 195 pounds with an additional five pounds you know where, the Sexxx Exxxpress, Sexxxy Eddy!" As Eddy comes out followed by Peanut, they play a graphic for him on the screen which is the symbol for man, a circle with a diagonal arrow approaching, and finally penetrating the symbol for woman, a circle with a horizontal cross. While I'm chuckling at this simple, yet effective graphic, Eddy grabs the mike, "Unlike many guys who are just coming to Two Mountains, I've been here since the beginning. I've fought for you guys; I've bled for you guys; I've bounced off my head for you guys. And now, I'm gonna do what I do best: I'm gonna pick a girl from the audience to take my clothes off." Which is why I'm guessing the totally stunning blonde has suddenly appeared at the ring barrier in front of me. Peanut comes down to help her over the barrier, but he can't get the barrier apart for her to get over. Since no one materializes to offer himself as a human stool to allow the blonde to climb up and over, like say at the Ute Lemper concert that I attended in Toronto last year, Peanut abandons the obvious plant in favour of a brunette who is game to climb up and over the barrier... and it turns out that the brunette is none other than Wet T-shirt Tina!
( This is like one of those magic tricks where you don't take the card that is closest to you because that's too obvious, and you STILL end up taking the card the magician wanted you to have. )
Tina is wearing a red shirt and jeans which means that she's wearing EXACTLY what I'm wearing. Got to hate it when that happens, especially when she looks better in that outfit than I do. Tina strips Eddy down to his boxers, he does the Edge Ring Hump while straddling her prone on the mat, and as he stands up, Tina strips off his heart-covered boxers to reveal his silver lame bikini briefs/g-string. To quote from my notes, "At 9:00, THAT ridiculous display is over!"
The ring announcer, nIMPy, has the mike back, "At 235 pounds, CZW's own, the man, Steve Royds!" Coming out to the theme from "Rocky", Steve is wearing his gold robe! WOO+HOO! Maybe we will get to see the robe choke tonight! As usual, Steve is wearing his weight belt.
And now, it's time, once again, for the part of the recap where I, Llakor, give career advice to the Natural Superstar, Big Steve Royds aka Steve Risez aka the wrestler who writes to me. Because, and I'm quoting Steve here, "I find you to be know the finer points of the business... I like the way u understand psychology and stuff"
Some nit-wit on the IWS chat-board suggested recently that Steve has lost a step since Christmas, and that he needs to pick up the pace a little in his matches. I, on the other hand, believe the exact opposite. I think that, if anything, Steve should slow up more! First of all, this would allow him to hit every move as if it was punctuated by! An! Exclamation! Point! Every move that Steve lands should look crisp, clean and no caffeine, and most importantly look STIFF as all get out. But the real reason that Steve should slow down further is because it complements perfectly with his character. Steve doesn't need to hurry to beat these IWS clowns, he's a CZW main-eventer! It's not like he's being paid by the move or anything or that he gets a bonus for winning quickly. If he has to fight guys who aren't anywhere near his skill level, he might as well have some fun and dismantle them systematically, like a Triple AAA pitcher facing rookie league batters. The point being that Steve can afford to be slow, because he knows that he is no danger of losing. His opponent, on the other hand, would need to practice the plucky baby-face hurry-up offence knowing that if he slacks up on Steve just a little bit, Steve could regain control of the match and start back up with the punishment. By slowing down, Steve emphasizes his arrogant belief in his ability to dominate those around him. Plus, it would anger IWS fans who already dislike him, and anything that gets him more heel heat is a good thing.
Eddy begins by posing on the ropes to the collection of girls who have gathered directly in front of me. Steve, annoyed that Eddy is blocking their view of the real sex symbol in the ring, blind sides Eddy. Eddy drops to the floor, and Steve baseball slides him to the face. Steve climbs and drops a double ax-handle to the outside from the top rope. Steve picks Eddy up and drops him on the ring barrier, scattering the girls. Eddy staggers back to his feet, so Steve executes him with a Standing Russian Leg Sweep into the ring apron. Steve poses for the girls at ringside, giving Eddy a chance to get back to his feet, sprint to the ring apron, jump onto the ring apron, and bounce off to hit a Swanton on Steve!! Both men roll back in. Steve tries to hit a Gorilla Press Slam, but Eddy blocks it halfway up. Before Eddy can capitalize on the counter, Steve recovers and picks him up for what looks like a vertical suplex except that it ends in a face plant. Steve begins stretching Eddy's arm and stomping a mud hole in Eddy and walking it dry. Eddy recovers briefly to attempt a Sunset Flip which succeeds only in exposing Steve's ass to the girls in front of me, who begin screaming like under-age R. Kelly groupies. Steve is momentarily distracted by the sounds of women in the arena swooning, allowing Eddy to land a Sexxxy-Plex. Eddy climbs to the top-rope and the Sexxxy-Sault HITS... NOTHING... BUT... KNEES! Steve body-slams Eddy and climbs up top. Eddy rolls out of the way of an elbow drop that looks like it would have just shattered tissue paper. Steve allows himself to be Irish-Whipped into the corner and the Sexxxy Splash meets Steve's educated feet. Steve goes for the power bomb, but Eddy is able to counter it into a roll-up that gets two. Frustrated, Steve throws a big clothes-line that Eddy easily ducks, and both men end up outside again. Eddy pimp-slaps Steve! Steve just glares at him, so Eddy does it again! Steve, PISSED, clubs Eddy to the ground and grabs a ring barrier to drop on Eddy's prone form. He uses the ring barrier to batter Eddy again! And Again! AND AGAIN! AND AGAIN with RELISH! Eddy is dead! Peanut is out to block Steve from continuing that strategy, "Enough is Enough!" Steve gathers up Eddy's corpse and rolls him into the ring. Eddy is bleeding from the mouth. Steve pulls out a table from under the ring, and sets it up in the corner. Both men climb to the top rope. Eddy manages to push Steve off, but he lands on the ropes, crotching Eddy. Steve climbs back up and SUPERPLEXES Eddy! Steve starts to set up the table in the center of the ring, stopping every so often to stomp Eddy's mud hole dry. The Two Mountains mob starts chanting, "Royds Sucks Dick" so Steve threatens them with full frontal nudity. Steve performs an Anabolic Drop on the table and the table no-sells! The table might not have broken because, rather than dropping Eddy perpendicular to the table so that the majority of Eddy's weight hit the center of the table, Steve dropped Eddy on the table lengthwise so that his weight was evenly distributed. With Eddy just shattered on the table, Steve climbs up on the table, and grabs Eddy's prone body to attempt a pile-driver through the table, at which point the table collapses! Before Steve can decide what to do next, PCP Freaking Manny has run in and delivered a VICIOUS chair shot that levels Steve to a rousing "PCP" chant. Eddy manages to roll over and rest his arm on Steve's chest for the pin at 9:14 (14:00?)
After the bell, Steve removes his weight belt and starts whipping Eddy like a scalded dog. Steve sets up the remains of the table in the corner and body-slams Eddy into the table, leaving him broken in the ring. Steve rolls out and weight belts the ring barrier in front of the Two Mountains mob, and then moons them for good measure. The Two Mountains mob begins an "Eddy" chant that follows Eddy as he limps to the back.
The Ring Announcer, nIMPy, is out to shill a 50/50 raffle ticket, and to explain the presence of the broadcast team on the entrance-way who are apparently Bryan McGuppie, Manny D and Peter LaSalle from Team 990's Between the Ropes, Radio Wrestling for the Real Fan. This shilling is only interrupted by nIMPy's request, "Excuse me Dewey, you're going to have keep your man love for me to yourself!" While the shilling goes on, the Bride of Lemmy is sweeping the debris out of the ring. "Representing the Highlanders, accompanied by Scotland's Strongest Man, at 210 pounds, Pat Hamilton." Accompanied by a graphic that declares that, "The Clans are United!" Angus and Pat enter waving their twin Scottish/Canadian flag and holding up beers. I think that they had Molson Export in their hands.
( What?! No MacEwan's? What kind of Scotsmen are these? )
The two sheep-copulators get down to some serious Scottish dancing as a "Hamilton" chant breaks out.
"A true icon in the industry, a WWF legend, a WCW legend, a man who needs no introduction, Brutus the Barber Beefcake!" Brutus is wearing his Zodiak tights with purple nylons on his arms. He is waving his shears and has a HUGE bald spot. Before the bell, Angus and Brutus stare each other down, and Brutus is only ever-so-slightly taller than Angus. The bell rings at 9:23. The two men lock-up and Pat is knocked down. They lock-up again and Pat is knocked down again. "Fuck!" says Pat, and Pat throws a tantrum which registers .2 Christian. Pat manages to get Brutus in a side-head lock which Beefcake counters with a suplex. The Barber picks Pat up, and kicks him in the gut and Pat does the walking Flair Flop. Hey! Pat is still wearing his kilt! Even if Brutus was a sneak-attacking rat-fink heel, which he ain't, because that at least would be interesting, Brutus isn't fast enough to prevent Pat from removing his kilt so that must mean that Pat is wearing his kilt on purpose! All Right! He can be taught! The Booty Man hits the Ajax Boot of Mild Discomfort, and stomps Pat into a mud hole and walks him dry. The Zodiak bodyslams Pat and chokes him on the mat to a four-count by Ruffneck. The Disciple holds Pat's legs to make a wish and threatens the stomp. Ruffneck explains the rules to Hogan's Best Friend so he hits the elbow drop instead for two. Ed Leslie makes the international sign for the Sleeper and after pulling Pat up and bouncing him off the ropes, cinches in his crappy Sleeper which gets the win at 9:28 (5:00?)
After the bell, Brutus dances and he has the shears, but Pat sadly doesn't have any hair to lose. Beefcake very, very, very carefully uses the shears to snip off a micrometer of hair from the back.
( I suppose, like in the parable of the poor man and the Philistine, it doesn't matter how much you DO give as much as how much you CAN give. )
The Barber wakes Pat up by slapping him on the back of the head and throws
him out of the ring onto his partner. The Booty Man dances out as the
Highlander take to the ring with the microphone in Angus' hand. "Hamilton,
the last time that we were together in this ring, we pinned the Latinos in
the middle of the ring. I am very angry Hamilton. He wasn't even very good
twenty years ago and he beat you!"
Well, minus one star because Brutus the Barber Beefcake was involved in the match, minus one star because Pat didn't get any offence in, minus one star because Angus didn't run in to save his partner, minus one star because Pat lost, minus one star because Pat lost to the SLEEPER... BUT plus a million, billion, trillion, gazillion stars because Pat wrestled wearing his kilt. See, attention to details matters!
As the dancing and the drinking and the kilt-wearing goes on in the ring, Face of Death and Iceberg invade the ring with chairs and beat down Pat and Angus. "Get the hell out of the ring! There's no time for your Fucking dancing! Tonight, the tag-team belt is coming home to us!"
I had forgotten how much I HATED these guys, but seeing them again, I HATE these guys. I loathe these guys worse than I hated the New Age Outlaws, and I despised the NAO. I have more contempt for these guys than I did for the Outsiders. In fact, I hate these guys more than Demolition and I violently disliked Demolition.
( WHOA! Slow down there Tex! We're not allowed to hate FOD & Iceberg!)
What the devil are you jabbering about?
( I have here the Red Army manifesto. It runs as follows: )
And your point would be?
( Well, first of all, I am starting to rethink our hatred of FOD and Iceberg. Second of all, we are sitting with the Red Army, we should probably respect their customs. When in Rome... )
This is because you want that t-shirt, isn't it?
( Well, yes, but BUT I have been thinking... )
Never a good sign...
( FOD & Iceberg are supposed to be heels. We normally cheer for heels. We don't cheer for FOD and Iceberg because we think that they are JERKS. We don't know them or of them personally, so we've based this opinion purely on their in-ring performance. Doesn't that indicate that they are doing a superlative jobs as heels that even heel lovers like us hate them? )
I see... because even we hate them that means that they are great heels. Because they are great heels we should cheer them. Is that the theory?
( EXACTLY! )
Hmmmm... Let me think... Nope, I still hate them.
At 9:35, they reshow the Tournament of the Icons promo, and I'm beginning to wonder if it is some kind of coincidence that the Tournament of Icons trophy is this giant phallic symbol, and that they keep showing Eddy land on his head garbage-can first OVER and OVER again.
Commissioner Joe Fitzmorris is out with the mike, "Let's get the Second Round brackets up! And this time your job really does depend on it! As you can see on the screen, the Sexxx Exxxpress, Sexxxy Eddy will take on Brutus the Barber Beefcake and TNT will face Arsenal."
( Wait! When and how did Technical Difficulties get this graphic? He's obviously not smart enough to come up with it on his own. )
"Last year, I came out to this event in my own car. My car was beaten, my car was bashed, my windows got smashed... mostly by the Green Phantom's head. Well, not this year, this year I came in a Two Mountains police car..." Precious Lucy is out to confront the commissioner, "Two Months ago, I asked YOU for a match with Arsenal. I am still waiting! Last Month, I sent you an application to enter this tournament, I am still waiting for your response." The commissioner is making 'must have been lost in the mail' motions, but Lucy either is not very good at charades or she's not buying it, "Tits Morris, I am here for one reason and one reason alone. I want, I NEED, the match that I deserve." The commissioner fails to come up with the obvious punch-lines, settling for a rather weak, "Why don't you show me what you've got?" Lucy thinks about it for a half-second, turns away from the commissioner and then just DRILLS him with a low blow that folds the commissioner like a cheap accordion. Lucy mounts him and starts pounding away. "OWWW!! YoucanbeinthematchwithTNTandArsenal! Stop hitting me! I said you can be in the match with TNT and Arsenal. Don't touch me, I'm not a wrestler!"
Precious Lucy is, of course, awesome. She is unafraid to bleed, earning her the nickname "Le Premiere Dame du Hardcore!" Trained by Jacques Rougeau Jr., she gets cheered instead of booed like the Rougeau trainees, partly because, unlike the trainees, she isn't reminding us who trained her every five seconds, and also because Lucy, in order to get quality opponents, fights almost exclusively men, there not being a big Joshi tradition in Quebec, Luna Vachon and Sherri Martel notwithstanding. When I say that Lucy fights men, I don't mean that she fights cruisers either. Lucy will walk up to any wrestler in Quebec and spit in his eye, as soon as shake his hand. You could say that she is an equal opportunity ball-kicker.
( Don't you mean an equal opportunity as... Bleargh! Ptooey! butt-kicker? )
No, I chose my language quite carefully. Like Diamond Dallas Page during his WCW face run, when it appeared that DDP could hit the Diamond Cutter at any time and from any position, so too, Lucy seems to be able to hit the low blow at any time and from any position, which cools my ardor for Precious Lucy a teensy, tint bit. I'm just saying that, with any woman, the question, "Do I look fat in this?" is a stressful question for the guy she's with, but with Lucy the natural stress is compounded by the fact that the wrong answer could leave you unable to stand, walk, or other important things for a week.
( I do have one tiny complaint about this. Besides the fact that Precious Lucy is interjecting herself into Arsenal's quest for the Tournament of the Icons trophy, she also got her shot by punching the Commissioner. Now, I'll give you that he is a wimp, but the time honoured tradition to getting a match is to put the owner/commissioner into a submission hold. )
Not to mention that that would excite the masochists in the audience?
( EXACTLY! No, wait... )
TNT comes out wearing the FLQ title belt AND the NGW title belt. COOL! His hair is RED now and he is wearing red elbow pads and a track-suit with red stripes. TRES COOL! TNT has the mike, "Why don't you people have some freaking respect? I'm a double champion! You know the commissioner was right. [Precious Lucy] You have no business fighting in this ring. You have no business being in this match. Why don't you go make me some lasagna? Hell, go and do my laundry, I don't have anybody who does my gear. [Red Army] I put on the red for YOU, guys! [Two Mountains] You are nothing but a bunch of drunk welfare cases! I guess I'm gonna have to teach you [Precious Lucy] a lesson! [Timekeeper] Ring the bell!"
Precious Lucy nails TNT with the low blow, and then SMH-slaps him so hard that food colouring flies off his hair. "You're DEAD, BITCH!" Unfazed, Precious Lucy Clothes-lines him as Arsenal charges down the ramp at 9:45. TNT rolls out of the ring to make room for the One Man War who comes in with his Kendo Stick and whacks Precious Lucy. Kendo Stick assisted Neck-Breaker by Arsenal followed by a Death Valley Driver. Ruffneck, I think, protests the violence but Arsenal pushes him aside. From my notes, "Batter up for the bitch, Swing & a miss, Swing for the fences and HOME! RUN! AND ONE MORE TIME!" Precious Lucy ends up tangled up in the ropes and gets whacked again, but she gets herself untangled and ends up with the Kendo Stick! ONE! Turn around is fair play! TWO! How do you like them apples? THREE! What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander! And Lucy decides as much fun as it is to use, the Kendo Stick just does not do enough punishment. Lucy Slam! Drop a Precious Leg! Sit-Out Precious Bomb! Precious Lucy grabs a chair and knocks Arsenal into a different time zone. Arsenal is in the Tree of Woe and a world of trouble, as Lucy plants the chair on his face, runs the ropes, and baseball slides chair and Arsenal to the outside. OUCH! TNT climbs up to the apron, and I think that he is getting involved in the match, but instead he holds open the ropes like a gentleman so that Precious Lucy can stage-dive through the ropes taking out Arsenal! Well on that, at least, the Two Mountains Mob has it right, "HOLY SHIT!" Arsenal is up first and he Irish-Whips Precious Lucy into the ring barrier and then drops her throat-first onto the ring barrier. Arsenal drags her by the hair down the aisle towards the stands. I assume he then uses the elevated platform above the exit to drop on Lucy from a high place, but I did not see it happen. I sort of heard it happen, "OHHHHH!! OOOOO!! OUCH!" Meanwhile, TNT is in the ring going, "Where did everybody go?" Finally, Arsenal & Precious Lucy end up back by the ring, with Arsenal laying her out with a chair shot and then rolling her back in the ring. TNT takes over, hitting a double-underhook face plant, followed by a sort-of half vertical suplex. Lucy is DEAD, and TNT stops to taunt her, holding up her bloodied face to the camera, and delivering a dissertation on the disruptive influence of the women's liberation movement on the family, punctuated by some vicious stomping. Arsenal is climbing to the top rope, so TNT cuts that off by Irish-Whipping Precious Lucy into Arsenal which results in Lucy delivering a low-blow by head-butt.
( WOW! You were right! She CAN hit the low-blow at any time and from any location! She's half unconscious and she still manages to land the low blow! THAT is very impressive! )
Bouncing off the ropes, blinded by the blood pouring down her face, Precious Lucy somehow manages a DDT on TNT, and the women in the audience go NUTS! Precious Lucy chair shots Arsenal to keep him sitting docile on the top turn buckle, giving her a chance to climb and Lucycanrana! TNT recovers and to quote my notes, "TNT does a wacky bouncy move on A[rsenal]." Skeletor finally gets involved and takes the Kendo Stick to TNT, who chases him off, gets a table set up in the ring and power-bombs Precious Lucy through the table. Arsenal ambushes TNT and throws him to the outside. Sensing victory, the Red Army chants "Pin the Bitch!" Arsenal complies by hitting a DDT onto the chairs strewn all over the ring and wins at 9:54 (9:00?)
TNT walks up the ramp with the mike, "You know what? I don't give a crap because my belts weren't on the line. You guys all suck and I'm NEVER coming back."
The Ring Announcer, nIMPy, is in the ring, sadly with the mike, "All I've got to say is: HOLY SHIT! That was carnage! You should see the destruction in the ring. Is that Lucy's blood? Is that safe?"
Well, for once, he has it right, that was carnage, that was destruction, and that was most definitely NOT safe. Most Triple Threat matches have a structure of Wrestler A vs Wrestler B, Wrestler B vs Wrestler C, Wrestler C vs Wrestler A, and Big Finish, but that match was ALL Precious Lucy. Very impressive! My only complaint is that if you are going to do a "I jump off of tall buildings" spot, you might as well let people SEE it. You don't need to rush a spot like that. You need to tease it, and give the drama a chance to build BEFORE hitting it. I would like to know why I referred to Precious Lucy as "Bitch" in my notes though. I [heart] Precious Lucy.
( That was me. )
What? Why are busting out the hate on Precious Lucy?
( She put her hands on Arsenal's Kendo Stick! She hit Arsenal with his own Kendo Stick! For that she must die! )
Sigh. Have we had that discussion about irony? You really are taking this Red Army thing too far. Speaking of which, I am disturbed by TNT coming out in Red.
( That was COOL! )
Yes, but TNT is a heel. Heels do not stoop to acknowledging fans EVEN those who cheer for them. The proper response to guys like the Red Army when they cheer for you is to insult them, NOT suck up to them by wearing their colours. Sucking up to fans is the natural action of baby faces not heels. Could you imagine Arn Anderson publicly acknowledging a group of fans or wearing their colours?
( You make an interesting point. It was still cool though. )
I have to get myself one of those bracelets that born-again Christians wear only instead of saying "WWJD", it would say "WWAAD"
The Sexxx Exxxpress, Sexxxy Eddy comes out, already stripped down to his silver lame bikini very briefs, followed to the ring by Peanut, announced by nIMPy who continues on the mike, "And his opponent, a WWF legend, he came this way by defeating Pat, the Highlander, Hamilton, he is the Barber!" Brutus comes out with the shears and a regular pair of scissors. They are actually running clips of him in the WWWF this time! Brutus eyes light up at the sight of Eddy's long hair and he makes hair-cutting gestures in Eddy's direction. The Commissioner Joe Fitzmorris is out with the mike, "This man has long flowing locks. They are very valuable to me and the IWS. I don't want you [Brutus] cutting his [Eddy's] hair." The Two Mountains Mob chips in, "Cut His Hair!" Eddy responds, "NOOO!! SHHHHH!!"
The bell rings at 9:59. The Red Army begins chanting "Take A Bump!" bringing Brutus out to the apron to shake his finger at us. HA! Eddy gets Brutus in a side deadlock which Brutus counters with a blatant hair-pull. Cheater! Eddy comes back with a grinding side deadlock countered by Beefcake into an arm-bar followed by an arm-bar take down. Eddy begs off, crying, "No More!" My exact feeling, actually. They lock-up and the Booty Man goes behind Eddy for an amateur take down, arrogant spin and SPANK THAT ASS! Eddy rolls out of the ring, complaining to Peanut, "That's not a wrestling match! He spanked my ass!"
From the crowd to the right of the Red Army, a chant builds, "You No-Selling Son-of-a-Bitch!" They are wrong, I feel compelled to point out. It's not that Ed Leslie has refused to sell for any of the IWS guys offensive moves, it's worse. He hasn't let them get in any offence in at all, let alone sold any of their moves. Eddy rolls back in, and runs the ropes only to be sent flying for a HUGE back body drop. He gets up and Zodiak grabs his head like a vice and throws him down once and twice. The Disciple stretches Eddy's throat with his boot in the corner then runs the ropes for the Booty Splash which gets NOTHING! BUT! BUCKLE! Eddy goes for the quick roll-up and gets two. Eddy stomps a mud hole and walks it dry and covers for One! Two! No! Eddy goes back to the grinding side deadlock countered by Hulk Hogan's Best Friend with a Suplex. He grabs Eddy's leg and works the leg and drops a Booty Elbow once and twice. Brutus attempts a sidewalk slam, but Eddy slips out of his grasp, and then, and then my notes say, "JH SL drop" and I have no idea what that means other than that it was some kind of offensive move by Eddy. Oh Wait! I have it! Of course! A Jeff Hardy Split-Leg Drop! Eddy stomps a mud hole and walks it dry, and then climbs up top. He attempts a Shooting Star Press, and bounces off his face when the second member of the One Warrior Nation rolls out of the way. The Barber body-slams Eddy and now is the time on Sprockets when we dance. Eddy gets up, gets Irish-Whipped into the ropes, bounces off, is given a free chiropractic check-up and a shiatszu massage by Brutus before Beefcake finally locks in the Sleeper. Commissioner Joe Fitzmorris is out and climbs in to deliver a double ax-handle to Brutus' back. Brutus drops Eddy, and turns in disbelief, and goes all Freddy Blassie on the pencil-necked geek. Somehow, despite the beat down, the Commissioner manages to get his hands on a mike, "Ring the Bell! I have gold fillings in this mouth! I don't want you touching me! If you touch the commissioner, you pay the price! You are disqualified for touching me! Never, EVER touch me!" Bell rings at 10:07 (8:00?) Brutus slaps on the Sleeper, which was inevitable, really. Brutus grabs the mike from the unconscious commissioner, "Never EVER touch the Beefcake unless you're prepared to pay the Piper and get your hair cut!" Beefcake uses the smaller scissors to cut great clumps of hair from the commissioner's hair. Peanut tries to stop the hair massacre, but Brutus chases him out of the ring, and goes back to the hair-cutting. Finally, Beefcake leaves at 10:10, Peanut rolls back into the ring to wake the commissioner and escort him to the back.
I grudgingly accept, given that Brutus the Barber Beefcake was the over-the-hill former WWF has-been/never-was that we are going to bring in to get a big crowd so that people will come to see HIM and leave wanting to see more of IWS, that some hair-cutting was inevitable. I am less convinced that it was necessary to sacrifice the commissioner brief face-run to it. You just added to the commissioner's face-heat by rewriting the history of him punking out of Carl Leduc last year. There were alternatives. You could have had Arsenal against Brutus. Then Skeletor gets Arsenal the win, and it's Skeletor's hair that falls victim to the Barber.
( Except then, you don't develop the Arsenal/Precious Lucy feud. Plus the last time we saw Precious Lucy at Know Your Enemies, she was helping Eddy keep his title. )
MERDE! That's right! Well, then you could have... no that wouldn't work either. Maybe if you... You know booking tournaments is harder than it looks.
( MERDE? You mean we can swear in french without setting up that soap gun? WOO+HOO! EH BRUTUS, maudit fils de putain, t'es two cent kilogram de merde dans un sac qui contien seulement cent kilogram! Asti callis tabernacle t'es parasseux comme un chien mort, mau... Bleargh! Fuc... Yeargh!. )
Sorry, took a while to download the French to the thesaurus. And before you start, I am already downloading, Italian and Spanish!
( Ptooey! I may know how to sear in Italian and Spanish, but that doesn't mean that I know how to spell any of the frekakting words! )
Good point! Is frekakta Greek or Yiddish?
( You're asking ME? )
You're right, I'll add both.
The Ring Announcer, nIMPy, is back out to shill the 50/50 tickets some more, and the IWS t-shirts, and the tape of the Tournament of the Icons 2. Ruffneck is out with him. "The next match is for the IWS tag-team titles and it is a Hardcore Death Match! Parents please remove your children from the ring barrier. IWS will not be held responsible for any injuries. This is not a joke, I am not kidding. Please keep your children safe!" Naturally, kids immediately rush to the front of the ring barrier partially blocking my view of the ring. To my right, Technical Difficulties begins having heart palpitations at all the people crowding around his equipment. He compounds the problem by being a panicky whiny bee-yotch about it. I keep expecting his panicked calls for security to bring out Manny to pimp-slap him back to some sense of decorum. "From Fabertown, Japan weighing in at a combined 666 pounds, the IWS tag-team champions, give it up for the Hardcore NINJAZ~!" As with all NINJAZ~ matches, this match is brought to you by Chuck Norris, star of the Octagon.
The NINJAZ come out with a HUGE Star of David made out of fluorescent tubes. They immediately start bringing out and setting up tables directly in front of me. "A pair of monsters! A pair of psychotic, sadistic, [something else that rhymes with -ic], MONSTERS! Faces of Death and Iceberg!" Hmmm... something that rhymes with -ick. Could nIMPy have said "Pricks", could he have said "Dicks", or maybe even "Chicks"? I vote for all three. FOD & Iceberg are waving a Soviet flag and they are wearing red berets, red tinted camouflage pants and black shirts with CCCP in red on them.
( TNT's name-checking the Red Army with his costume was cool, but this is a whole 'nother level of AWESOME! )
As FOD & Iceberg come to the ring, the NINJAZ~ intercept them with a stereo NINJA~Slide. Both NINJAZ~ flip off the ring ropes onto their opponents. Hardcore NINJA~#1 goes up top and NINJA~Presses FOD. Iceberg grabs the Yellow NINJA~ and Gorilla Press Slams him from the outside of the ring back in! WOW! Meanwhile, FOD drops Hardcore NINJA~#1 on the ring barrier and jaws with his fans in the Red Army. He drags Hardcore NINJA~#1 back into the ring and he and Iceberg double-team Suplex the Yellow NINJA~, and pick him up again to double-team Alabama Face Jam him. Turning to Hardcore NINJA~#1, they double-team to Underhook Power Bomb him, before splitting up to deliver stereo Alabama Face Jams on the two NINJAZ~. Iceberg, who is so not the brains of this outfit, goes up top. The NINJAZ~ scatter and Iceberg takes out FOD! Iceberg apologetically helps FOD back to his feet. FOD gives Iceberg a dirty look and goes up top himself. Iceberg tries to find hisself a victim for FOD to land on, but the NINJAZ~ are being NINJAZ~ and Iceberg ends up accidentally crotching FOD up top. Hung up and helpless, FOD falls victim to a NINJA~ leaping Tornado DDT and a HUGE Randy Savage NINJA~Elbow! Hardcore NINJA~#1 rewards Iceberg for all his help to the NINJA~ cause by luring him outside and flattening him with a NINJA~Chair Shot. Meanwhile, the Yellow NINJA~ is beating the beejezus out of FOD into the ring barrier in front of us. The Hardcore NINJA~#1 finds a fire extinguisher and uses it to dent Iceberg's skull. The two NINJAZ~ set up a table in the ring, place FOD on the table, and then drag Iceberg onto the apron so that they can double-team NINJA~Plex him over the ropes and through his partner and the table! The Two Mountains Wooden Sign of Death makes its appearance! The NINJAZ~ take it and set it up on four chairs on the platform directly to the left of the ring. They then place the Star of David on top of the fiendish NINJA~Device. Iceberg recovers from the effects of putting his own partner through a table and tries to Gorilla Press Slam the Yellow NINJA~ out of the ring and onto the NINJA~Device. Hardcore NINJA~#1 breaks that up by attacking Iceberg from behind, so Iceberg calmly drops the Yellow NINJA~ on his head and grabs the Hardcore NINJA~#1 to Gorilla Press Slam HIM out of the ring and onto the NINJA~Device! And the Two Mountains Wooden Sign Of Death SELLS! IT IS BY GOD BROKEN IN HALF! First time in at least three months that that bloody sign has been broken. Iceberg turns his attention to the Yellow NINJA~ executing him with a Neck Breaker, while his partner goes outside, gathers up the shattered remains of the Hardcore NINJA~#1 and performs a HUGE Power Bomb onto the outside ramp. FOD celebrates and nearly kills himself tripping over the splintered remains of the Two Mountains Wooden Sign of Death. Maybe there isn't a brains to this outfit... FOD is PISSED at being embarrassed, and he takes it out on Hardcore NINJA~#1, grinding light shards into his chest, and bashing his prone figure with numerous STIFF Chair Shots. Meanwhile, in the ring, Iceberg hoists the Yellow NINJA~ up for a Razor's Edge, but Yellow NINJA~ uses his NINJA~ powers to escape and kick Iceberg in the face. Grabbing Iceberg, Yellow NINJA~ killifies Iceberg, a table, and himself with a NINJA~Plex through the table. FOD is the only man left standing, and he gives himself some time by giving the Yellow NINJA~ a Sit-Out Power Bomb, and dropping an elbow on the remains of Hardcore NINJA~#1. Seems to me that he should go for the cover here, because the NINJAZ~ are DEAD! DEAD! DEAD! but, again FOD is not the brains of this outfit either, because this is not a brains type operation. FOD instead rolls out of the ring and MOVES THE SCREEN! The screen is a tarp attached to a raised platform and it has ladders on the side! Holy Purloined Letter CRZ! All this time, I was wondering what tall object that the NINJAZ~ were going to drop off of and it was right in front of me the entire time. The Highlanders are out! While Pat is beating on Iceberg in the ring, Angus yells at the spectators to get out of the way. No one listens to this sensible advice, so when Angus spears FOD into the ring barrier, moving FOD and the ring barrier back about six feet in the process, a number of people get trapped between that ring barrier and the ring barrier directly in front of me. To those people who were nearly crushed to death in the process, may I suggest that the next time, when Scotland's Strongest Man tells you, "Get the Hell out of the Way!" I would strongly suggest that you move rather than just standing there and grinning like a dazed yokel! Pat Hamilton and Hardcore NINJA~#1 have maneuvered Iceberg on to a table in the ring directly underneath the screen. Yellow NINJA~ climbs to the top of the screen platform and poses at the top with the Japanese flag trailing behind his shoulders like a cape. He pauses a moment for the drama to build and drops a Randy Savage NINJA~Elbow all the way down though Iceberg and the table. Hardcore NINJA~#1 covers the wreckage for the win at 10:30 (18:00?) FOD is NOT a happy camper at this exact moment and I have a sneaking feeling that the Highlanders may have bitten off more than they can chew.
Well if you are going to risk life and limb by jumping off tall buildings, that is definitely the way to do it. My only issue with the NINJAZ~ is that now everyone expects this kind of thing from them. They are in danger of being typecast like Jeff Hardy. My worry is that they will give us a nice ol skool match some day with selling and psychology and every one will crap on it because it wasn't XTREME enough.
( Yeah, Yeah, Yeah. Whatever. Can we get past your moaning and get to an important topic? Iceberg and FOD wuz robbed! The Highlanders have to pay, and pay in blood! They want Red and Green in the ring? Iceberg and FOD are going to beat those Scottish clowns until their wounds turn GREEN and gangrenous and then they are going to have their RED Highlander blood poured out in the middle of the ring! )
Well, if Iceberg and FOD didn't want to get involved with the Highlanders, they should never have interrupted their dancing and drinking. The Scots take that sort of thing seriously, you know. Besides, do you seriously think that two inheritors of the proud warrior tradition of William Wallace and Robert the Bruce are going to be intimidated by two losers in face paint who suck up to a faction of Internet Heels? Get some perspective please!
( If you ruin my chances of getting a Red Army t-shirt, I am never EVER speaking to you again. )
The Ring Announcer, nIMPy, is back out with the mike, "We are afraid to inform you that there has been an injury. It's very serious, I'm afraid. Commissioner Joe Fitzmorris has been taken to the hospital. The Sleeper applied by that animal, Brutus, the Barber, Beefcake has left severe contusions on Joe's neck and chest. Not to mention the damage done to his hair-cut by those vicious scissors. God Speed Joe and Good Luck! The final match in the Tournament of the Icons pits the Sexxx Exxxpress, Sexxxy Eddy against the One Man War, Arsenal. The Special Guest Referee for this match is WWWF legend Jumping Joe Milano." The crowd starts chanting, "We Want Hebner!" I am still trying to wrap my head around Jumping Joe Milano, who Iron Mike Sharpe considered a jobber, being called a legend. The bell rings at 10:37. The two grapplers lock-up and Arsenal rakes the face and stomps Eddy in the mid-section. Nasty! Balls Nasty in fact! Arsenal twists the arm, takes Eddy down and drops the leg on the arm. Eddy counters with a roll-up, but Jumping Joe Milano is so... damn... slow... that Arsenal has time to kick out, get back up and drop the leg on Eddy again, BEFORE Jumping Joe Milano is in position to count. Steve Royds is out with the mike, "I talked to the Commissioner before he left for the hospital, and he left me in charge. I'm big time, I wrestle in Philly, and I deserve to be in this match. So, I'm booking myself into this match."
( WHAT?! Arsenal has to fight in two Triple Threat matches to win the trophy? Arsenal is getting SCROD! Boston Scrod, it's a fish, look it up. )
I have NO problem with this. Steve would be in the final if Manny hadn't interfered in his first match. It is only fair that that injustice is corrected now. Steve is no longer used to the blatant cheating that goes on in the IWS. Steve is a CZW main-eventer and we all know that in CZW all their matches have clean finishes with no run-ins. In fact, I have been told that all of their matches are fought under best two out of three falls, sixty minute time limit rules, and that throwing wrestlers over the top leads to an immediate disqualification. Why compared to CZW, the IWS is PURE ANARCHY!
Not to editorialize, but Eddy, the big crybaby sore loser, grabs a chair and hits Steve Royds on the way in. Arsenal joins in on the chair shot beat down. They are afraid of Steve! Arsenal rolls outside and points to his head, thus failing to notice Steve who BLASTS him with a running shot from the weight belt. Steve climbs back into the ring to drop a flying elbow on Eddy and he stomps an Eddy mud hole and walks it dry. Steve grabs the chairs in the ring and throws them at Arsenal to keep him outside. Arsenal catches one of the chairs and climbs into the ring with it, so Steve Super-kicks the chair into Arsenal's face. Steve grabs the chair and starts unloading STIFF Vicious Chair Shots on Arsenal. ONCE! TWICE! THREE TIMES A LADY! Well, no one is ever going to use that chair to sit in anymore, and it's not much good as an implement to beat Arsenal to death with, so Steve tosses it aside, grabs Arsenal and executes him with a Double Underhook Face Jam. Time to stomp an Arsenal mud hole and walk it dry. Arsenal limps up and tries a spin kick, but Steve just catches him and folds him in half with the Suplex. Steve covers! Count damn you Jumping Joe Milano! Count! ONE! Lord love a duck, I had enough time to read the first volume of War and Peace in the time it took him to get in position for that one count. Steve decides to instruct Jumping Joe Milano on the finer points of refereeing in the bigs. Arsenal, rather than listening in rapt attention to this fine fine instructive discourse, climbs up top and nails Steve with a knee from the top rope. Arsenal props a chair on Steve's face and climbs up top to drop the elbow onto the chair. Eddy reintroduces himself to the match just as I am about to go: what the devil happened to Eddy? Steve Royds chases Skeletor while Eddy Sexxxy-Plexes Arsenal, and Jumping Joe Milano is in position to count right away! ONE! TWO! NO! Steve breaks Skeletor in half on the ring barrier. Arsenal rolls out to check on his manager, so Steve breaks HIM in half on the ring barrier. Steve rolls Arsenal back in the ring and poses for his admiring public. Arsenal calls for a time-out, but there are no time-outs in wrestling! Steve throws him a chair, and Arsenal has this goofy "Why did he give me a weapon?" look on his face, which Steve wipes off with a Super-kick to the chair into Arsenal's face. Steve drags Arsenal into a position to cover with an Arm Drag Take down. Eddy asks, "May I cover, please?" Steve goes, "Sure, be my guest..." Eddy covers for ONE! TWO! and Steve whips Eddy's back with the weight-belt to break it up. Silly porn stars! Trix are for kids! Steve lands a massive STIFF Power Bomb on Arsenal and covers for ONE! TWO! and Eddy kicks him in the back. Steve and Arsenal are both up and Steve throws a massive clothesline at Arsenal who ducks and uses Steve's momentum to drop him throat-first into the ropes. Eddy covers Steve for ONE! TWO! and Arsenal breaks it up with a slap. Meanwhile, Skeletor has prepared a table outside, in front of the Red Army. Arsenal drags Steve to the ring apron and BRAIN-BUSTERS Steve through the table! That was just plain mean! Jumping Joe Milano agrees with me, because he takes out Skeletor. Left without adult supervision, Arsenal refuses to play nice with Eddy and uses the ropes to choke him. Arsenal drags Eddy up the ramp to Suplex him in front of the wrestler's entrance, but Eddy counters the Suplex and Drop-Kicks Arsenal off the stage to the platform below. I take my eyes off Eddy for one second and he splashes Arsenal collapsing the section of platform that Arsenal is lying on. Eddy! Dude! Pose THEN Splash! How many times do I have to say this? You're a porn star, you ought to be good at restraining your natural urges to splash. Pose THEN Splash! Do NOT make me tell you again. Meanwhile, Steve has put on a football helmet for his own protection, which I applaud. It's not like Steve couldn't compete in a Brain-Buster through a table match, but you need advance warning for that kind of match to train properly. Skeletor is back in the ring and both Steve and Jumping Joe Milano start beating on him culminating in a double-team Clothes-line that knocks Skeletor out of the ring. Jumping Joe Milano, showing no regard for the safety of the wrestlers in the ring, tries to remove Steve's helmet, finally kicking Steve in the stoumach to get the helmet off. While Jumping Joe Milano is Abusing his Power, Eddy sets up a table in the ring. Steve Irish-Whips Eddy into the ropes and Eddy hits the ropes and just falls over real awkward. Arsenal is climbing into the ring from the outside, but Steve cuts him off and Suplexes him into the ring over the ropes for ONE! TWO! JUMPING JOE MILANO MUST DIE! Steve throws Arsenal on the table and covers him with a couple of chairs. Eddy, with a chair, whacks Steve in the back and then levels him with a STIFF shot to the head! Eddy climbs up top... He stretches to his full extension... PETER NORTH! PETER! BY! GOD! NORTH! Eddy has just dropped a load on Arsenal's chest and Arsenal is BROKEN! IN! HALF! Jumping Joe Milano is in position and ready to count! ONE! TWO! Steve is going to break it up! Steve is going to break it up! THREE! NOOOOOOOOO!! Jumping Joe Milano is the WORST Guest Referee in the history of wrestling! Steve wuz robbed! Bell rings at 10:54 (17:00?)
( STEVE wuz robbed? What about Arsenal? The only reason that he didn't kick out was because Steve was obviously breaking it up in time. Once again, Arsenal had been denied the trophy that so rightfully belongs to him! )
Any time that I get this emotionally involved in a match, it has to be a good thing. Eddy was kind of a non-entity in the match, though. It was mostly Arsenal and Steve battling back and forth with Eddy taking advantage. The Brain-Buster from the apron to the outside was SICK!
The trophy is in. "Sexxxy Eddy is an Icon!" Steve and Arsenal are both having tantrums on the outside. Steve slams his football helmet for a .3 Christian, but Arsenal really impresses with a solid .85 Christian as bits of table and chairs fly in all directions. Guess Eddy winning explains why the trophy is this huge phallic symbol. From the crowd, "Fucking Right Eddy!" In the ring, nIMPy, "Can we play Eddy's music please?" and he hands Eddy the mike, "I'm sore, I'm a little beat-up, I'm speechless. Each and every one of you guys made this possible. I'd like to thank each and every girl that I've ever had sex with. Can I say that? Thanks guys you're the best!" Cutting that promo was rather difficult with the Red Army chanting, "Bull-Shit" at you, but Eddy did his best.
They are out to do the 50/50 draw in the middle of the ring. The ticket lady and nIMPy engage in some painful banter about nIMPy reaching into her pouch to draw out the ticket.
( Why are we doing this? Why are we inflicting this painful non-wrestling related crap on us? )
They need time to set up the ring for the exploding ring death match.
( Oh! Never mind! )
On the screen, a clip of Manny giving a SUPER-INTENSE promo is shown. It is easily the greatest most intense Manny promo that I have ever seen. Sadly it is not the most intense Manny promo that I have ever HEARD, because with Technical Difficulties in charge, we get no sound of any kind other than T.D. saying loudly to the back, "No, I've no idea why it's not working."
Speaking of technical difficulties, I am having my own problems, as at this exact moment, I run out of paper in my note-book. That is a little scary because my notes for "Know Your Enemies" takes up the first quarter of the notebook, so I have taken three times that many notes for this show and I haven't even recapped the main event yet! Fortunately, the Timekeeper, a fine upstanding fellow, a gentleman and a scholar and a fine judge of horses is kind enough to give me a Tournament of the Icons Three poster to write on the back of.
While the ring is prepared for the match, with barb-wire eventually stretched across the ring ropes an three sides, the right, left and back of the ring, leaving the side facing the Red Army devoid of barb-wire, Curious George and I end up discussing the four-way match at Freedom to Fight. Curious George is of the opinion that the match was too long and that it was an unneccesary mistake to put the title belt on the Green Phantom. I point out as patiently as I can muster that the whole point of this Exploding Ring Death match was based around that four-way match, one leading to the other. Given that the Phantom and Manny are the only guys crazy enough to do this match, and that if you are going to do this match, it ought to be for the title, how we got here was simple, organic and frankly, good wrestling story-telling. As for the length of the four-way at Freedom to Fight, that is, as always, a matter of taste, and I am not the best person to judge it by since my favourite stipulation is Iron Man matches, but I was certainly sucked into that match from beginning to end.
As we are arguing, Heavy Maxx Fury comes over to talk to the Timekeeper. Now, lord knows, I am not the biggest Maxx fan in the world, but Maxx completely endears himself to me by warning the Timekeeper to be careful of the upcoming explosions, and expressing his opinion that both Manny and the Green Phantom were crazy for doing this match. Now, I don't know if Maxx was kayfabing or shooting at that precise moment, and what is more, I don't care because what he did do in a very simple way was sell that match for everybody around the Timekeeper AND do it in a way consistent with his character. Plus he set up stuff that happened later, even if he did it by accident.
By contrast, by this point of the evening, I was quite prepared to climb over the Timekeeper and throttle Technical Difficulties with my bare hands. If you are reading this T.D., I have a few notes for you. First of all, your equipment was in a stupid location. That may not have been your choice, but I am going to blame you for it anyway. Putting "$25, 000 worth of equipment" ten feet away from the front of a wrestling ring is not a smart thing to do at the best of times, but it is especially not a good idea to do when that ring is going to BLOW up! Even if the equipment was in no danger from the explosion, it shatters the illusion that that explosion is going to be dangerous. The equipment should have been placed either in the stands or behind the ring out of sight. Secondly, if you are going to be in charge of "$25, 000 worth of equipment", you ought to at least KNOW HOW TO OPERATE IT! Third, the show is about the wrestlers in the ring, not your equipment. If the equipment can perform a German Suplex, I want to see it, otherwise keep your yap shut and enhance the talent rather than distracting us from it. Fourth, learn some customer service skills. As much as I hate to use the words "after twenty years of customer service" because usually when people use it on ME, they are usually about to treat me like an idiot, but you are an idiot, so here goes: Politeness works. Asking people politely to help you give them the best show possible would have given you much better results than having a panic attack every time someone breathed on your equipment. As it was, you ended up in an argument with a drunken Deux Montagnes mother who didn't appreciate the tone that you took with her son. If you had been nice to the kid in the first place, rather than biting his head off, you would not have had to listen to her yapping for fifteen minutes. Finally, if you are going to be put in charge of $25, 000 worth of equipment, perhaps, maybe you should not advertise the fact. It's like you were standing on your chair and shouting, "Hey this stuff is valuable! Please rob me!" You could have called the equipment 'delicate', you could have said it was 'important for the show', you could have told people that it didn't belong to the IWS, and it was important for future shows for the equipment to be protected, any of a half dozen things without once mentioning how much it was worth.
( Holy foreshadowing, Batman! )
For the record, this IS exactly what was going through my mind as I was waiting for the main event.
"The Main Event: PCP, Crazy Freaking Manny vs the Green Phantom in an Exploding Ring Death Match for the IWS title. The exact stipulation is that a clock will count down ten minutes. At the ten minute mark, the ring will explode! Barb-wire is wrapped on the right, back and left of the ring. Bring out the guys with the fire extinguishers." Peanut comes out wearing fire-man gear including a helmet with face screen and a heavy fire-proof jacket! THAT is absolutely BRILLIANT! Manny is introduced with a graphic that says, "I BLEED HARDCORE!" The Green Phantom is introduced with a graphic identifying him as coming "From the Ancient Green Hills of Two Mountains." Green Phantom slaps hands with the Two Mountains Mob and gives them the title belt for safe-keeping. He then walks in front of the Red Army NOT slapping hands until he comes up to Colonel Meez directly in front of me, at which point he flips Colonel Meez's beer into the fourth row covering me AND my notes in cheap beer! That may have been the funniest, most brilliant thing that I have ever seen a baby-face do at a wrestling show.
( You have clearly lost your mind! Yo GREENIE! Yo PHANTOM BEE-YOTCH! Over here! I know that right after this you rolled into the ring and cut a promo. I know that the crowd enjoyed that little promo that you cut. But you know what? That may have been the most intense, best promo that you have ever cut, but I hope that the ring exploding gives you a concussion so intense that all memory of that promo vanishes for all time. I hope that the sound from all the video cameras simultaneously short-circuited losing the sound of that promo. Because I certainly didn't write it down, and if it's not written down, it NEVER HAPPENED!! Take that, you big Green Weenie! )
I understand that you are upset. Meez is even madder that you are, it was his beer, but I still think that it was fricking hilarious. The bell rings at 11:28, but Green Phantom and Manny stand around? They keep looking at Technical Difficulties as though they are waiting for something. At first, I think that they are waiting for him to rerun Manny's promo, this time with sound, then I figure out that they are waiting for him to start the clock which is up on the screen but still stuck at ten minutes. Arsenal comes out to fix the problem greeted by a "Webmaster" chant by the Red Army. He gets the clock started! The count-down is on! The match has started!
Green Phantom throws a Clothes-line but checks his swing when he realizes that the momentum will carry him into the barb-wire. Manny takes advantage to Junkie-Plex him for two, and then Junkie-Bomb him for two. Peanut it should be said is outside of the ring at all times counting on the apron, which is again brilliant selling of the match. Green Phantom recovers and Irish-Whips Manny into the barb-wire at the right of the ring, and an explosion goes off!
( Holy Crap! Did I remember to bring clean underwear to this thing? )
Green Phantom demonstrates amazing acting ability as, despite wearing a mask, he has a look of total disbelief. You can almost see him mentally saying, "Right, stay away from the right side of the ring." He drops a pair of Phantom Elbows on Manny and covers for two. He Irish-Whips Manny into the side of the ring without barb-wire and a BIGGER explosion goes off! Again Phantom has this quizzical expression, and he is so shaken that he doesn't cover Manny right away and so only gets one. A Phantom Head Butt followed by a Phantom Bomb gets two. Phantom Leg Drop to Manny's head, once and twice. Phantom grabs a chair, props it on Manny's head and drops a Phantom Leg for one and two and no! Green Phantom prepares to Irish-Whip Manny into the barb-wire at the left, but Manny counters and the Green Phantom eats barb-wire, but this time there is no explosion! And it's like a giant light-bulb goes on over the Green Phantom's head, and he realizes that the sides that have already exploded are safe, but the back and left side of the ring still hold an explosive charge. Before he can take advantage of that information, Manny Chair Shots him for two. Junkie-Plex gets two! Cover gets two! Junkie DDT gets two! Green Phantom recovers and tries to figure out how to build some speed and momentum in the match. He finally sets up the chair so that he can run up, jump off it and drop a Phantom Leg on Manny for One! Two! No! Pile driver gets One! Two! Johnny Ace! Green phantom looks up at the clock: only 4:43 left! In frustration he Chair-Shots Manny once and twice, and grinds Manny's face into the barb-wire on the safe right side of the ring. Stomp Manny into a mud hole and walk him dry! Hmmm... I think Green Phantom's exploratory well struck BLOOD! and he hit a GUSHER! Phantom-Plex on the chair gets ONE! TWO! NO! Manny rallies, hits a Junkie-Bomb, but Green Phantom no-sells it and picks up Manny for the running Phantom Choke-Slam Power Bomb into the barb-wire on the left side and the BIGGEST EXPLOSION YET! Phantom covers for ONE! TWO! JOHNNY ACE! Manny staggers to his feet, and Junkie-Plexs Green Phantom for two. At 1:33, the Timekeeper abandons his post! Now, I don't know if this was something that he cooked up with Maxx earlier or if he's just really freaked about the upcoming explosion, but him running is absolutely brilliant.
( Why in heaven's name are we still sitting here? I vote that we follow him, post-haste! Feets don't fail me now, that sort of thing. PLEASE! I'm too young to die! )
Weenie! I am staying right here! A good reporter never leaves his post!
( You ever read the story filed by the New York Times reporter who went down with the Titanic? )
Ummm... No, can't say that I have.
( My POINT! )
Phantom Splash! I am out of paper! Get me another poster quick! At the 1:00 minute mark, the police car starts flashing its lights! The Green Phantom is freaking out! He keeps dropping Manny on his head and covering, but Manny keeps kicking out at two! At thirty seconds, the siren of the police car goes off! I am receiving too much input and my memory buffer of what moves the Green Phantom is hitting fills up and spills over, but he gets ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! two-counts and he is on the verge of pulling his hair out because time is running out and Manny will not stay down! He lifts Manny up for the Phantom's Edge and the RING EXPLODES! The smoke starts to clear, Peanut runs into the ring, the Timekeeper runs back to his post! Peanut is counting ONE! TWO! THREE! but who was covering who? Peanut emerges from the smoke holding up the Green Phantom's arm! The Green Phantom keeps his title! The bell rings at 11:40 (12:00?) To quote my notes, "Phantom's arm is all cut to shit." The Green Phantom and Manny shake hands in respect and the Green Phantom retrieves his belt from the Two Mountains Mob.
It may seem churlish to criticize that match after the Green Phantom and Manny got all blowed up for our amusement, but I have two quibbles. The first is with the final explosives, which didn't quite measure up to expectations, or to say with WWWF pyro. My major concern is with the heat they produced, which is to say not much. In a match like this, all the senses are important to maintain the illusion. The explosives looked impressive, they sounded impressive, but they didn't FEEL impressive. Wouldn't you agree?
( I'm sorry, I'm still looking for my eyebrows. What did you say? )
My other concern is with the ending. To understand the ending, you have to be able to SEE the ending. What I think that they should have done is have Peanut balk at entering the smoke-filled ring. The Green Phantom yells at him, and finally goes outside and throws Peanut into the ring to do his job. The Green Phantom covers Manny, but Manny kicks out just barely at two. The Green Phantom can't believe it and gets into Peanut's face. Manny is barely conscious, but he takes advantage to hit an easy to apply high impact blow, say a drop toe-hold into a chair or into the barb-wire. Manny just drapes his arm over the Green Phantom's chest, but only gets two. Then the Green Phantom hits the Phantom's Edge for the win.
( I think that you are being unneccesarily cruel to Manny. He got blowed up, is that not enough? )
Having plenty of time before the 12:30 train, I wandered around for a while. I briefly considered getting a tape of Tournament of the Icons Two and a Tournament of the Icons t-shirt for $15, but that wouldn't have left me enough money for the train ticket home, so I passed. I left the arena around Midnight, and walking towards the train station, I passed Dewey Handsome and another NGW wrestler. I stopped them, complimented them on their match, and offered to give them some free publicity if they wanted to send me some information. I tore out a small blank chunk out of my note-book and gave them my e-mail address. They seemed impressed to meet a real live Internet Wrestling Journalist, but since I have yet to hear from them, they probably waited until I was out of sight, and then tossed my info and called me a loser. Too bad boys! I could have made you FAMOUS! Would you believe notorious? How about well-known?
Making my way to the train station, everything was locked up tight as a drum, including the machines from which you purchase the tickets. I grumbled about this stupid design, since most train stations in the city proper have those machines outside where you buy tickets any time. Stomping up and down, I wondered on which side of the train tracks we were supposed to stand, since that wasn't clearly marked either. While looking for some kind of sign, I found the schedule posted under plastic which revealed that the last train to Montreal left on Saturdays at 11:40, the exact moment that the ring was blowing up back at Olympia Arena. I suddenly realized the awful truth! I was trapped in suburbia! I was going to have to find and take ANOTHER taxi home and pay another $40 to $50 dollars to get home. No, BY GOD, No, I was not going to do that. There had to be another solution! And so I made my fateful decision and I walked home...
I should break that down a little, for those who don't quite grasp what I just said. First, I walked through Deux Montagnes which has no sidewalks, but fortunately plenty of bike paths. I discovered that the illusion that you are going past the same house over and over and over and over again is particularly distressing when you are on foot. It is like being on the world's slowest and most depressing treadmill. From Deux Montagnes, I walked to St-Eustache. From St-Eustache, I walked to Boisbriand. From Boisbriand, I walked to the Pont du Riviere des Milles Iles, and let me tell you walking across that particular bridge at two in the morning is not a cheerful proposition. From that bridge, I walked to the Boulevard de Ste-Rose. From the Boulevard de Ste-Rose, I walked to the Boulevard St-Martin and the Laval Autoroute. It was here that a passing motorist going to work at Dorval Airport picked me up and dropped me off at the Dorval Bus Terminal. From there, I caught a 356 night bus to the downtown, and home, collapsing on my bed just after 5:00 am.
( You are leaving out the bit where the bus that we caught at the Dorval bus station was the 356 OUEST, so we ended up getting off at the Beaconsfield train station to catch the 356 EST going downtown. )
True, but the bus we ended up catching was the same bus that we would have caught if we had waited at the Dorval Bus Terminal, so it didn't really change things much.
( No it just reinforces that you, Llakor, are a FREAKING IDIOT! The scariest thing about you, in fact, is that you consider it irrational to spend $45 to take a taxi to get to your correct destination quickly and safely, but walking for three hours at night on the shoulder of the autoroute driven by the scariest motorists on the planet, you consider rational behaviour. )
What? It was a nice moonlit stroll. A little longer than I might have picked by choice, and I am not in the mood to recross le Pont du Riviere des Milles Iles on foot any time in this lifetime, and all of the drivers who slow down and beep at people walking on the shoulder of the autoroute can all DIE! DIE! DIE! but otherwise it was a nice peaceful walk.
( Completely deranged. Now what are we going to do with this taxi receipt for $45.00? )
I was thinking of getting a nice frame and putting the receipt and our ticket stub in it, and hanging it up over the computer as a monument to one man's stupidity.
( BUY a frame? Have you never heard the expression - Throwing good money after bad? Why don't we claim it as an expense? )
You are forgetting that even though CRZ continues to pay us a PRINCELY sum for these recaps, that our expense account privileges were revoked when he caught us downloading PRON~ with the slashwrestling American Express card.
( Zut alors! I STILL think that that was a bum rap. It was perfectly legitimate research. Those girls are ring valets as well as PRON~ stars. We were only examining their body of work. )
Well, putting it in a nice frame is the plan for the moment. Unless any of my readers wants it. Best offer gets the taxi receipt, my ticket stub, and my beer-spattered poster of Tournament of the Icons Three with my notes from the main event on the back. I'll also send them the printout of the Deux Montagnes train schedule which CLEARLY shows the last train from Deux Montagnes leaving for Montreal on Saturday at 12:30. So either, I misread the schedule at the train station that night, making me even more of a Freaking Idiot OR the schedule on the AMT web-site is switched with the Montreal to Deux Montagnes times shown improperly as the Deux Montagnes to Montreal times, in which case, the train to Deux Montagnes from Montreal that day left at 6:15 pm NOT 5:30 pm, and the taxi to Deux Montagnes was completely unnecessary.
Before I wrap things up, I should turn things over to IWS management to
make a special announcement:
To make matters worst a $15 000 dollar Sony 3000 lumens AV projector that was rented for the Tournament had been stolen as well along with about 1000 feet of different A/V cables that the IWS uses.
The person driving this vehicle has no fault in this as he was doing us a great favor by driving people and equipment around for three days straight. However we are deeply angered at the son of a bitches who not only thought it would be funny to steal are projector but decided to steal are world title and are gear as well as masks .
That is why we are on here telling you fans that we will offer a cash reward to anyone with information leading to the whereabouts of any of these items or the pieces of shit who stole them.
Fans somebody decided to declare war on your orginisation . Lets declare war on them. If you have any information that can help us please email us at firstname.lastname@example.org
we assure you that you will remain annonymous.
To quote Precious Lucy, who is, as always, right about everything, "One word to describe this situation... Pathetic..." I don't know how much help my passing this message on will do, my readership, to the extent that I have any, being mostly concentrated in Ohio and California, but if there is a international trade in stolen title belts, maybe one of my readers can help. After twenty years in retail sales my personal opinion of thieves is that they are several evolutionary rungs below amoeba, and I find these particular thieves to be particularly odious and repugnant specimens of toad's vomit. These mother-fuckers need a swift lesson in manners, IWS style.
( Hey! What the fuck happened to the Super-Soaker and the thesaurus? )
I'll be damned, we used up a litre of Ivory liquid soap. That's pretty scary.
( WOO+HOO! Let loose on an unsuspecting world! I have some fucking scores to settle! )
Before we get into that, would you like some water to wash the taste of soap out of your mouth?
( Trying to get on my good side? A little late, I think, but sure some ice-cold water would be nice right about now. )
Well, then, it's time to drink from the FIRE-HOSE!
( What is Michael Richards doing here? NOOO!! You wouldn't!? AARRRGGGH! )
Well, with him out of the way that about wraps it up from me. Until I next chain myself to the keyboard,