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Elmo Machete




Foreward, by Dean Malenko

HELLO MALENKOMANIACS!!! The transcript you are about to read is a RARE DELETED SCENE from the wrestling documentary, "Beyond the Mat!" It was originally left to rot forever on the cutting room floor...but FORTUNATELY my good friend and janitor at Lion's Gate Studios, Elmo Machete, had the foresight to salvage it before it could be swept away into the sands of time and be forever forgotten!

This is the one scene in the film that WOULD HAVE featured all four of the R4dicalz! It is a touching, poignant scene that shows the pain, suffering and hardships behind the so-called "glamorous" life of a professional wrestler! However, Beyond the Mat director Barry Blaustein decided to cut our STARRING ROLE in the feature film because he deemed it "just too stupid" for theatres! Also, he wanted to squeeze in another five minutes of Jake Roberts sucking down Jell-O shots! What a TOOL!

So without further ado, I present to you: The R4dicalz IN: "Twisted Wrestling Theatre!" Witness a lost piece of history! I salute you, Elmo Machete!

- "The Shooter" Dean Malenko

Foreward, by Perry Saturn

I remember this night. It was fun, because I got to play with Jean's action figures after we left the restaurant! The cameraman said he ran out of tape, though. So, without further... thing that Dean said, here's this thing!

- Perry Saturn

Twisted Wrestling Theatre, starring: The R4dicals

(It's late Monday night/early Tusday morning at Hooters Bar & Grill, after another succesful World Wrestling Federation Monday Night RAW. The restaurant is nearly empty, save for a handful of men that are bordering on unconcious at the bar. The front door swings open, and the original R4dicals- Chris Benoit, Dean Malenko, Eddy Guerrero, and Perry Saturn walk on in, still wearing their wrestling attire and R4dicals T-Shirts.)

Eddy Guerrero: I'd say that show went pretty well.

Dean Malenko: For you and Chris... me and Perry lost on Jakked to freakin' Kaientai.

Chris Benoit: Would you let it go already? When we signed with the Federation, they didn't gurantee us anything more than an opportunity.

Malenko: Opportunity my ass, I know 1,000 holds!

Perry Saturn: I call the window seat!

(Perry quickly darts into the booth, and grabs a spot near the window on the side closest to the door. Benoit sits next to him and looks around at the surroundings. Dean slides into the opposite window seat and burys his head in his hands, followed by Eddy.)

Benoit: See, isn't it a nice change of pace to just go out after a show and have a quality meal?

Malenko: I was getting tired of our options being limited to restaurants with a ball pit.

Saturn: I'm still missing one of my shoes in that McDonalds in Denver...

Guerrero: Do you think Vince will be pissed at us for not coming back to the hotel?

Benoit: Course not, SmackDown's only a few hundred miles away. Even if we stay out all night, we'll get to the arena around noon and nap until aboot seven.

Saturn: Jean says I'm not allowed to drive anymore.

Malenko: At least not with me in the car.

Guerrero: You have to watch the road, Perry.

Saturn: That's harder than it sounds!

(A very farmiliar looking waitress, decked out in the standard orange short pants and white Hooters T-Shirt, walks up to our quartet and hands them all menus.)

Trish Stratus: Hello, gentlemen. Our specials tonight are...

Benoit: Trish?!?

Trish: Oh, God...

Malenko: What the hell are you doing... working at Hooters?

Trish: Well...

Guerrero: It can't be for the money...

Saturn: I bet she came for the wings.

Trish: I won't tell anyone if you won't.

Benoit: It's not embarassing for us to be here, we're lonely men on the road.

Trish: Goddamnit, just take the menus.

(Trish hurrys away back to the kitchen.)

Malenko: Did you see the way she was checkin' me out?

Benoit: Oh, for Christ's sake!

Guerrero: You see the woman practically every day, Dean.

Saturn: Not to mention you're almost twice her age.

Malenko: I tell you again and again, chicks dig the five o'clock shadow.

Guerrero: It's either that, or the receading hairline...

Benoit: *snicker*

Saturn: Why don't I get any women? My hairline's completely receadinged!

Dean: You shave it that way, you orange buffoon...

Benoit: What aboot Terri?

Saturn: Oh yeah, forgot about her...

(Trish comes back with her notepad, and takes a deep breath.)

Trish: Let's hurry this along. Anything to drink?

Guerrero: I'll take a tequila, if you've got 'em.

Malenko: I'd love a Dr. Pepper, hotlips.

Benoit: Iced tea for me, thanks.

Saturn: I want an apple juice!

Trish: *sigh* I'll be right back...

(She leaves again.)

Guerrero: This may just be me, but I think we would be a much more solid group without Terri.

Benoit: Quit it, Eddy.

Saturn: We didn't say nothing when you brought that nice Chyna lady in.

Malenko: Well, look where that got us... and her.

Saturn: I liked her. She let me borrow her bazooka once.

Malenko: I remember that... *shudder*

Benoit: More solid group... we're not even a team anymore!

(Trish comes back, holding a tray of their drinks. She passes them out to everyone and takes her pad out again.)

Trish: Tequila, Dr. Pepper, iced tea, and... apple juice. Have you decided what you'd like to eat?

Benoit: Just a salad for me, gotta keep in shape.

Guerrero: Fuck that, mang. Gimme a cheeseburger.

Malenko: Hmm... it all looks so good.

Saturn: Do what I do- close your eyes, flip through the pages, and pick something.

(Perry thumbs through the menu and lands his pointer finger on one page.)

Saturn: I'll have the breakfast combo.

Malenko: I'll just have a steak, I guess.

Trish: Gotcha.

(Trish exits.)

Saturn: That wasn't any fun...

Malenko: It's 12:30 AM, why would I want to eat bacon and eggs?

Saturn: I like to surprise myself.

Malenko: And what were you trying to do with that "gotta stay in shape" line, Chris?

Benoit: *takes a sip of his iced tea* Hm?

Malenko: You were trying to impress her, weren't you?

Guerrero: Here we go again...

Benoit: She's not attracted to any of us! Especially not you, hate to break it to ya'.

Saturn: Aren't we all attatched to other people, anyway?

Malenko: If he goes off about that damned mop again...

Benoit: You're short, pudgy, and balding. Why would someone like Trish be pursuing you, Dean?

Guerrero: Calm down, mang. Use the "inside voice".

Malenko: I knew it! You're going to pull out the "fellow Canadian" card any second now.

Saturn: I dreamed I was Canadian once... it was awfully cold, and I was still missing one shoe.

(Uncomfortable silence.)

Benoit: Screw it. It's not worth the hassle.

(More silence.)

Malenko: I wish I brought my Game Boy...

Guerrero: Yo, you checked out that Game Boy Advance yet?

Malenko: You know it! I've gotten pretty damn far in Castlevania, and I only got the thing last week.

Guerrero: I can't get past the first boss.

Malenko: You've gotta keep jumping, and just swing at him when he's low to the ground.

Benoit: Wha..?

Saturn: I wish I brought Dean's Game Boy...

Guerrero: Hey, they've got a jukebox! Any requests?

Saturn: Wilson Phillips, "Hold On".

Guerrero: ...I doubt they have it.

Malenko: Madonna's "Beautiful Stranger". That song's been stuck in my head since we left the highway.

Benoit: I'm back... back in the saddle again...

Saturn: That doesn't sound like Madonna!

Benoit: ...I tell ya', I'm seriously thinking aboot traveling with Jericho for a while...

Guerrero: I asked to borrow some wrist tape from him, he looked at me like I had farted in church.

Malenko: Put a straight face on, boys... the dame's comin' back!

Benoit: *sigh*

(Trish comes out of the kitchen with a tray of food. She places it down on the edge of the table, and hands everyone their plates. Trish shoots them a friendly smile, and departs once more.)

Malenko: HA! See that? See? I told you it was the beard stubble.

Guerrero: She was just being nice, Dean.

Benoit: Besides, I can't keep a clean shave for more than a few hours either, that doesn't mean anything.

Saturn: My egg is looking at me like I just farted in church...

(The R4dicals dig into their meals.)

Guerrero: Ever notice how much meat they put in these burgers? I can hardly ever finish the whole thing...

Malenko: For eight bucks, they better give you alot of meat... my steak's undercooked.

Benoit: Call her over, ask her to take it back to the chef.

Malenko: No, that would ruin my chances with her.

Benoit: Ugh...

Guerrero: And the fries are always either too salty or not salty enough...

Saturn: You haven't touched your tequila... *reaches over*

Guerrero: *slaps Perry's hand away* ...and you won't touch it, either.

Malenko: I've been thinking of growing my hair long, go for that 80's hair band look.

Benoit: You know how dumb that would look, right?

Malenko: Vince likes the long haired guys... Jericho, Hunter...

Guerrero: Essa Rios...

Saturn: I've been thinking of growing my hair long, too. We could have matching hairstyles, Dean!

Malenko: ...I've reconsidered.

Benoit: On second thought, it's getting late. We have to get back to the hotel, let them know we're not lost.

Guerrero: See? I never finish these things.

Benoit: We'll bring it with us.

Saturn: Look, my bacon is smiling at me!

Malenko: Oh, Trish baby?

(She returns, with a slightly peturbed look on her face.)

Malenko: Could you bag these four plates up for us?

Trish: Sure thing...

(She collects the plates and leaves.)

Benoit: That's getting really annoying.

Guerrero: It's not working, either.

Malenko: There's no harm in trying, is there?

Benoit: Until she sues your ass for sexual harass-

Saturn: *looking around* Where did my food go?

Guerrero: You... uhh, ate it already.

Saturn: I did?

Guerrero: *nudges Dean* Oh, yeah.

Benoit: You downed that sucker like it was nothing.

Saturn: Did it taste good?

Malenko: You sure thought so.

Saturn: I guess I did...

(Trish returns once more with the bag of food and the bill.)

Trish: Here it is, fella's. You can pay up front.

Benoit: Thanks.

(She leaves.)

Malenko: Everyone pay for whatever their food cost, and we'll all leave the tip.

Guerrero: I'll go to the register.

(Benoit, Malenko, and Saturn hand their money to Guerrero, who tosses two dollars on the table for the tip and goes up to the register. Chris and Perry throw in two dollars each, and Dean puts down four.)

Benoit: Why did you pay double the rest of us?

Malenko: I'm trying to get on her good side...

Saturn: Is that the right or the left? I've heard it's bad luck to get out of bed on the left.


Malenko: Hey, I like to keep my options open.

Benoit: There are no options... if... you're... married!

Malenko: Says you.

Guerrero: All done, let's go.

(They file out of the restaurant door.)

Saturn (from outside): Hey, they geve me more eggs and bacon! I hope these ones taste as good as the first...


Elmo Machete

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