Main
BLAH |
XPW: GO FUNK YOURSELF
I get (1) letter(s): from Billy Bob Kane. I don't
know if your article is the kind that stirs up
internet coversation, but as someone who does a lot of
creative writing I though the whole 'twisted wrestling
theatre' was absolutely fantastic. I mean, honestly,
that could have been a scene in a movie. It was funny,
it was interesting, and really well-written. I applaud
you. You might want to create your own characters,
change some premises, and make a play out of that,
just as an experiment. Thanks a bunch, Billy Bob.
I'm working on another Twisted Wrestling Theatre,
it'll be finished... whenever. To fill the time, I
picked up XPW - Hardcore Conception. To make a very,
very long story short, it sucked ass in every way
imaginable. So what? I'm a nice guy, I'll give them
another chance. Hardcore Conception was the beginning
of the fed, this is a whole year later. They MUST'VE
changed for the better given all this time... plus,
this time it wasn't me paying for the videotape. Tea
hee!
XPW Video presents: Go Funk Yourself - XPW's One Year
Aneversary Show.
This videotape is for adults only... okay.
XPW wrestlers are highly trained professionals... HA!
One year later, and it's still the same five or six
guys in the opening video package over and over.
Your hosts are Chris Kloss (the biggest Joey Styles
wannabe you ever will see) and Larry Rivera (your
stereotypical chicano male color commentator in a D
level garbage federation), LIVE on TAPE from the
hsitoric LA Sports Arena (funny... I've never heard of
it).
We open up with Sabu, the XPW World champion coming
to ringside with some manager schmuck of his to give
an interview. He's got... *something* as his entrance
music, but XPW's sound system is so bad that you can't
hear anything. Schmucky Manager Guy... wow! Curses, on
an XPW tape! At least they stopped bleeping the bad
words... he syas that it's not cool to be an XPW fan
after whatever happened the previous weekend. Yep,
you're right there. He goes off on Paul Heyman and ECW
(what a shock), and we start our opening match...
No, wait. First, we get Rob Black and his Army at
ringside to cut an interview... yep, he sure looks
like a bitter ex-porn distributor. Ooh, he uses words
like "Internet marks" and "mic skills", he's KEWL!
Oops, I spoke too soon - he gets bleeped on "fuck". He
says he can do whatever he wants because he owns this
bleeping company, and we don't. I've got a dollar, how
much can it be? He sends in the Black Army to beat
Sabu's ass... one guy at a time. Real smart. Sabu
and... douchbag in an executioner's mask fight over
the belt. On to the opening match...
WAIT! Terry Funk, Sabu's championship match opponent
for the night, makes his way to ringside. He tosses
words at Sabu like "chicken choking pecker puke".
'Kay... Schmucky Manager Guy holds Sabu back from
Funk, and we FINALLY get our opening match.
Nosawa (TAKA Michinoku lookalike) vs. Pogo the Clown
(fat guy in a clown suit). The area looks like a WCW
arena from 1993, except there's not even enough people
to crowd over to one side in front of the camera. No
entrance for Nosawa. Kloss drives home the fact that
Pogo is insane, because... he carries a shovel. And
he's fat. Or something. Pogo lets the crowd know "duh,
I'm the heel because I flip the crowd off". Two
dropkicks, three superkicks, and Nosawa drags Pogo to
the outside. Nosawa goes back inside, and hits Pogo
with a suicide dive... and hits his head on the
unpadded concrete floor. They brawl, and Nosawa chops
Pogo in the head off the ring apron. Back inside,
Nosawa chops Pogo into the corner. Stupid Fat Clown
reverses Stereotypical Japanese Fella's attempted
Irish whip into a big, fat shortarm clothesline.
Nosawa's selling of that is comical, in a bad way.
Bodyslam by Pogo, followed by a fat assed elbow drop,
more comical selling, and a two count. Nosawa gets
sent into the ropes, and is met with a back elbow.
Pogo hits a front suplex, the Closed Casket Crunch (he
lifts the guy onto his shoulders, and... sits down)
for three. -1/4* After the match, another un-named
Japanese wrestler runs in to help out Nosawa. It's his
Gurentai tag team partner... ugh. You're a WWF ripoff,
too?!? Plagarize something a little more high profile,
at least. Pogo dispatches them both with a double
flapjack, and licks a shovel for good measure. Not a
good start...
The West Side NGZ (Chronic and Big Rott) vs. Mexico's
Most Wanted (Halloween, Damien 666, and Rey Mysterio
Sr. w/Lady Victoria). Victoria is just plain ugly. She
tries to call out the Westsiders, but the mic won't
work. Halloween and Damien try, but it's no use.
Carlito Montana joins Chronic and Rott in the match to
make the sides even. We begin with a pier six, and
Mysterio DDT's Montana. Damien in against Rott, and a
springboard bodyblock gets two. Damien springboard
dropkicks Rott and tags in Rey-Rey Sr. Carlito tags
in, springboard dropkicks Damien, and lays some
punches and chops to Mysterio. Montana shot into the
corner, boots Rey in the face, they reverse whips n'
stuff, and Mysterio powerslam's Montana. The ref's
distracted by Halloween and Damien, and once he comes
to his senses he gets a two count. Punches, Irish
whips, Carlito ends up on the mat, and Rey misses a
senton drop. He dodges a dropkick from Carlito, hits
one of his own, Chronid runs in and sidekick's
Mysterio, and Halloween takes his place inside.
Chronic goes into the ropes, and shoulderblock's
Halloween. He goes into the ropes again, and is
armdragged. Chronic armdrags Halloween, they push
eachother off one another's covers, Halloween ducks
Chronic's sidekick, and Montana (the actual legal man)
bulldogs Halloween from behind. Mysterio (the other
legal man), bulldogs Chronic. Mysterio and Montana go
outside. Damien and Halloween double team Chronic on
the inside, and Halloween dropkicks our beloved NuJack
wannabe in the face. Back outside, Rey powerbombs
Carlito through the timekeeper's table. That looked
pretty bad. They both get back in the ring after some
stalling from Victoria, and Mysterio uses a staple gun
several times on forehead. I thought he was above that
kind of crap... Damien dropkicks Carlito, who rolls to
the outside. Mysterio surprises a charging Montana
with a cross bodyblock from the apron. Inside, Damien
clotheslines Rott, then causes Chronic to join him in
the ring. Smart, eh? Halloween ducks a chairshot from
Chronic, which hits Rott by mistake. Hallwoeen
superkicks the chair into Chronic's face, and hits
Rott with a baseball slide on the outside. He slides a
table into the ring, and then brawls off to the side
with Rott. Mysterio and Montana are still fighting,
and Rott sends Halloween over the guard rail. Damien
tries to 'rana Chronic through the awaiting table, but
gets crotched. Lady Victoria comes in and slaps away
at Chronic. Rott hoists her onto his partner's
shoulder, and he blows a piledriver from the top rope
through the table, prompting Kloss to scream like a
girl for the first time tonight. Rott Baldo
Bomb/SkyHi's a charging Damien, who is hit with the
Drive By (Chronic spinkick's the guy while Rott holds
him up) for a fast three count. Why?!? * Didn't suck
or anything, but nothing really clicked. Mexico's Most
Wanted holds down the referee and staple gun's him in
the head. Why does EVERY match need a post match
brawl?
"I Quit" match: Kid Kaos (I knew I was right in
thinking they couldn't pass up an easy chance for
misspelling a name for the sake of aliteration...) vs.
Steve Rizzono. "Rizzono" is pronounced either
"Ri-ZAH-no" or "Guy who wears a Wolfpac shirt and
spells out WCW with his fingers", depending on what
part of the country you're from. Rizzono hides behind
the ring apron, waiting for Kaos. Kid Kaos looks like
a pudgier Rocky Maivia. Rizzono elbows Kaos in the
chin from behind the apron, and then whips him into
the guard rail twice. Kloss accidentally calls this
match our main event. Whatever, dude. In the ring,
Kaos reverses an Irish whip attempt with a ginchy
lookin' Russian legsweep, and locks on a weak rear
chinlock. Back to the outside, Kaos is whipped into
the guard rail yet again. The camera misses him going
into the ring post, and Rizzono brings two steel
chairs back into the ring with him. Kaos rolls back
in, and reverses an attempted superplex onto both
chairs with a sunset fip powerbomb onto said chairs.
What Kloss calls a "Sharpshooter type hold" is
actually a Boston crab, and that's what Kaos puts
Rizzono in. Kid Kaos whips Rizzono into the ropes,
puts him down with a drop toe hold, and goes from that
into a cross face chicken wing, while having the legs
immobilized. Cool. He fights out of it, and is caught
in Kaos' side headlock. Kaos goes from that into a
SWEET Acid Drop-ish reverse DDT. Rizzono picks up a
chair, and smacks Kaos in the face when he looks for
his own chair shot. Rizzono locks on a dragon sleeper,
and the ref... rings the bell? Ah, there was one of
Rob Black and Steve Rizzono's stooges under the ring
with a mic, and HE said "I quit". Kaos explains this
to the ref, and pastes Rob Black. Rizzono puts down
Kaos with a shot to the head, and follows it up with a
belly to back suplex off the top. Rob Black tosses
Rizzono his cane, and he reveals a "pirate" sword
concealed in it. Kaos blocks the sword from being
jabbed into his eye, smacks Rizzono in the head a few
times with it (Girly Kloss Shriek #2), and the match
ends for real when Rizzono quits with the sword
against his forehead. It would be *** or so if not for
that gosh darned Dusty Finish, so **3/4. The required
post match brawl erupts when Black Army members Tracy
Smothers, Jake Lawless, and Crack the security guard
run in. They're all fought off by Kaos, who then hits
a Blockbuster off the TOP rope (in your face, Buff!)
on the reviving Rizzono. Rob Black sets up a "Loser
Leaves XPW" match for later in the show, with Kaos
fighting Smothers. Black states that if Kaos loses, he
goes back to doing "independent shows". What do you
call XPW?
"White Trash" Johnny Webb (your Sandman ripoff)
w/Jessica vs. Homeless Jimmy. Jessica is pretty damn
hot, I'll give them that. Webb annoys the shit out of
me by telling the crowd to "simmuh down now", taking
off the horribly unfunny SNL skit. Anyway, Webb tells
us that Jimmy had an "accident" (caused by Webb, the
announcers tell us), so he won't be wrestling tonight.
John Kronus wanders out, and we get...
"White Trash" Johnny Webb w/Jessica vs. John Kronus.
How the mighty have fallen... actualy, in Kronus'
case, it's more like "how the fallen have fallen
further". Kronus ducks a swing of the Singapore cane,
and whips Webb into the corner. Webb jumps to the
second turnbuckle, and kicks Kronus in the chest when
he charges the corner. Webb misses a legdrop from the
second rope, but gets up in time to smack Kronus with
the cane. Jimmy limps out with his shopping cart of
goodies, and it turns into...
"White Trash" Johnny Webb w/Jessica vs. John Kronus
vs. Homeless Jimmy (who dresses like Raven) w/his
shopping cart of goodies. You mean this ISN'T ECW?
Jimmy comes in with a trash can lid to Webb's head,
sends him into the ropes, and dropkicks him in the
gut. The Homeless One knocks both Webb and Kronus with
the trash can lid and elbow drops Webb. Jimmy
clotheslines Webb into the corner, snapmare's him out,
and is suplexed by Kronus. Chris Kloss calls it a
"textbook suplex"... why? If it's a textbook suplex,
just call it an f'n suplex! That extra word isn't
necessary! Webb brings Kronus to his knees with dual
shots with the garbage can lid, and retrieves a steel
chair from beneath the ring while Kronus knocks Jimmy
outside. White Trash throws the chair in Jimmy's face,
who then picks the chair back up and nails Webb with
it. Jimmy whips Webb into the awaiting Kronus' trash
can lid shot, and Webb falls in the right position for
Jimmy's shopping cart to be pushed into his nuts
(Kloss Shriek #3). The recently bladed Kronus is
whipped to the guardrail as Jessica hands Webb the
Singapore cane. He hits both opponents in the head
with it once, Jimmy wanders over to argue with
Jessica, and Kronus hits Webb with a garbage can. Webb
regains control with the water bottle of death a split
second later. Jimmy comes back over, DDT's Webb on the
concrete, and is hit with the trash can by Kronus
after he vaults off the shopping cart. Jimmy blades.
Webb brings a ladder in the ring, and goes back out
after Jimmy. He rolls him back in and goes after
Kronus, but Jimmy leaps off the top rope and hits both
men on the outside. They're all up, and Webb hits
Kronus in the head with a steel chair. Jimmy hits him
with a cookie sheet, and Webb swings the chair at
Jimmy's skull. Johnny places Homeless Jimmy on the
timekeeper's table and elbow drops him off the apron.
Kronus and Webb go back in, and Kronus does his crappy
ass handspring elbow. Jimmy sneaks back inside to prop
the ladder up on the turnbuckle, and goes after
Kronus. Jimmy's whipped into the ropes, and Kronus
clotheslines him down. Webb legdrops Jimmy as he's
getting back up, and then Kronus hip tosses Jimmy
upside down into the ladder. Webb resets the ladder
against the middle rope, and Jimmy reverses his suplex
attempt into one of his own into the ladder. Kronus
powerslams Jimmy, then jumps off the second turnbuckle
into a tumbling senton splash. Webb breaks up the pin
attempt at two. Jimmy whips Webb to the ropes, who
reverses it before he even hits the ropes for a
clothesline. They both go to the outside, bounce
Kronus inbetween steel chairs, and they crotch him
onto the guard rail. Two guys come out of nowhere and
put a table in the ring. Jimmy places Webb atop the
table, but Webb awakes in time to fuck up a German
suplex off the top rope, VERY badly. That doesn't
break the table, neither does a spinebuster, and a top
rope splash finally breaks it and gives Johnny Webb
the victory. **1/2 Not a half bad brawl.
King of the Deathmatch: The Messiah w/Lizzy Borden
vs. Supreme (c) w/Kristi Myst. Two sides of the ropes
are laced with barbed wire, and there are beds of
nails propped up against two turnbuckles. On the
outside, there are beds of thumbtacks, lightbulbs, a
barbed wire board, and a coffee table full of
flourescant lightbulbs topped with barbed wire.
Messaih's gimmick is either the son of God or the guy
in the black shirt and pants, I'm not sure. Lizzy
Borden looks strikingly fuckable, as does Kristi Myst.
Supreme (lucky bastard) lays a big wet smooch on
Kristi before the match starts. Both Messiah and
Supreme dodge the beds of nails, Messiah slides out of
an Irish whip, ducks a clothesline, and dropkicks
Supreme. Supreme back up, and he clotheslines Messiah
thrice, who takes a breather outside. Back in, Messiah
tries to rake Supreme's forehead on the rope's barbed
wire. He shakes him off, sends him to the apron, and
Messiah nearly falls off into the table of flourescant
lightbulbs. Messiah flips back in, and gets elbowed in
the face while coming off the ropes. He takes another
break outside, and Supreme follows him out this time.
Messiah comes back in, but is tripped and reverse
powerbombed into the bed of thumbtacks (Kloss Shriek
#4). Supreme and the referee (?) slide the thumbtacks
into the ring. Supreme drags Messiah over to the bed
of lightbulbs, and suplexes him into them. Supreme
no-sells a shot into the ropes with the barbed wire,
gets caught in a sleeper, and slammed into the
thumbtacks. Supreme quickly shakes that off, whacks
Messiah with a steel chair, drops a handful of tacks
onto the seat, but Messiah reverses a suplex into a
DDT onto the thumbtacked chair. He follows that up by
suplexing Supreme into the bed of thumbtacks. No-sell
that, ya' tubby bitch... Messiah slides the barbed
wire board into the ring, places it wire side down on
Supreme (w/the ref's assistance, damnit!), and
springboard moonsault's on top of the board. That gets
a really weird looking two count, since the ref can't
count without getting tacks in his hand. Supreme whips
Messiah into the bed of nails in the corner, who then
ducks a charge, sending Supreme into the nails.
Messiah rakes Supreme's head on the barbed wire, and
DDT's him to keep him down long enough to retrieve the
timekeeper's table (how many tables does this guy
have?!?). He puts the wire board on top of the table,
comes back inside, and Supreme fallaway slams him into
the thumbtacks. Messiah gets whipped into the ropes
w/the wire (and sells), and gets clotheslined and
legdropped into the thumbtacks. Supreme hoists him up
and powerslams him first into the bed of nails, then
into the thumbtacks for a two count. Supreme
superplexes Messiah from the top rope to the barbed
wire table outside, prompting a delayed Kloss Shriek
(#5). Supreme looked like he caught most of the table
there. Rob Black comes out AGAIN to help Messiah up, a
catfight between Kristin and Lizzy is teased, and once
both men get back inside, Lizzy Borden slaps Supreme.
He gets her back by... rubbing his bloody face in her
tits. Oookay... Messiah comes from behind with a chair
to the head. Messiah and everyone's helper, the ref,
prop the bed of thumbtacks up in between two chairs.
Kristi comes in, gets forced to her knees in the
corner by Messiah, she, uhh... bites his dick (Kloss
Shriek #6), and Supreme powerbombs Messiah through the
thumbtacks for three. ** Good enough for what it was,
and we'll leave it at that. The Black Army attacks
Supreme after the match (fuckin' XPW...), sets up the
flourescant lightbulb coffee table on the... uhh,
timekeeper's table (that's the third or fourth one
he's had tonight), and Messiah Diamond Cuts Supreme
through it (Kloss Shriek #7).
Supreme is stretchered out of the building. Didja
NEED to show all of it?
Loser Leaves XPW: Tracy Smothers vs. Kid Kaos.
Referee Pee Wee Moore needs to tuck his shirt
in...collar and elbow tieup, and Smothers goes to the
outside. Kaos vaults over the top rope onto Smothers,
whips him into the guard rail, sends him back inside,
and hits a flying body press for two. Smothers throws
Kaos out and baseball slides him, followed by a whip
to the railing. Back inside, Kaos goes for a Russian
legsweep, falls back too soon, and gets a
Flatliner/Downward Spiral/Novacaine. Kaos gets almost
immediately back up, they trade some punches, Kaos
into the ropes, and he gets a headscissor take down,
followed by a huricanrana for two. Missile dropkick
gets two again. Smothers gets some kicks off, and
recieves a two count for his troubles. Snapmare,
kneedrop, and Smothers misses a knee off the second
rope. Kaos comes off the top with the Blockbuster,
which only gets two. Kaos has some trouble nailing the
Acid Drop/Reverse DDT, but hits it in the end for the
win. 1/2* Too short to really do anything. Kaos
already had a match and was seriously winded, and
Smothers...
Rob Black and Tracy Smothers embrace afterwards,
showing us that the stip was bullshit. Nice.
XPW World championship: Sabu (c) w/Josh Lazie vs.
Terry Funk w/Rob Black. Okay, so schmucky manager guy
has a name, after all. Note to XPW: champions enter
last. Funk flips over the timekeeper's (ugh) table
before the match starts. Collar and elbow tieup, three
left hands, and Terry throws Sabu to the outside. Sabe
brings him over to the now upright timekeepers table,
and bangs his head against it, breaking it in two. A
fan steals Funk's bandana that he entered with. Sabu
throws Funk back in, and gets a two count. Funk
tumbles into the corner, is whipped to the opposite
one, schmucky manager throws him a chair, and the
vaulting sidekick (Poetry in Motion, I guess) misses.
Terry tries to piledrive Sabu off the second rope onto
the chair, but as is the norm with top rope moves
tonight, he fucks it up. He hits Sabu with the mangled
chair, and Sabu... throws him to the outside. I'd love
it if at least one match could stay in the goddamn
ring... Sabu fucks up Air Sabu, and Funk crawls down
the aisle, chucking a chair at Sabu's face. They fight
up to the entrance, and... knock... the whole...
thing... down (Kloss Shriek #8). Dear God. They brawl
up to the stage where the announcers sit, and they
demolish the table, computer and all. Terry becomes my
hero by punching out Chris Kloss. Funk throws Sabu off
the stage into the crowd, and they make their way back
to the ring. There's another mysterious table set up,
and Sabu splashes Funk, and the table doesn't break.
He goes up top again, but Terry Funk dodges a legdrop.
Terry rolls outside, takes a swig of lighter fluid
from Rob Black, pours some on his branding iron, and
lights it (Kloss Shriek #9). He comes back in, misses
a fireball, another fireball comes from... somewhere
and hits Funk, Sabu throws a fireball at him, hits him
with the branding iron while he's down, and covers
Funk to retain the World title. -*** This was fucking
pathetic, only worse than the first match because it
lasted three times as long. It's ridiculous that Terry
Funk has been reduced to this stuff. Retire already,
Terry. It's for the best. Sabu has always sucked, pay
no mind.
End of show.
No, wait... first we get Josh Lazie speaking for Sabu
in the locker room. Bill Alphonzo he ain't. He
challenges Funk to a rematch.
Terry Funk retaliates with an interview... in which
the camera is turned to the side the whole time. Terry
says that Sabu is a bastard that's never heard of a
wrestling hold, and that he can't handle real
wrestling. Amen, Funker! He challenges Sabu to a
barbed wire steel cage, I Quit match for sometime in
the future. Well, it's be safe to say that I won't be
watching.
Kloss and Rivera shill, end of show.
Bottom Line: This is the worst wrestling show I've
ever seen, hands down (then again, I haven't seen
Heroes of Wrestling) with an average Elmo Star Rating
of right around 1/2*. Kid Kaos is damn good, he's got
so much ahead of him... that's aboot the only bright
spot of the entire tape. I'm shocked that this D
level, wannabe wrestling promotion has made it two
years. I hope you shut down, XPW, and soon.
Strongest reccomendation to avoid at all costs.
Elmo Machete
freelance
Mail the Author
Comment about this article on the EZBoard
|
BLAH |
