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Elmo Machete




  • I get (1) letter(s): from Billy Bob Kane. I don't know if your article is the kind that stirs up internet coversation, but as someone who does a lot of creative writing I though the whole 'twisted wrestling theatre' was absolutely fantastic. I mean, honestly, that could have been a scene in a movie. It was funny, it was interesting, and really well-written. I applaud you. You might want to create your own characters, change some premises, and make a play out of that, just as an experiment. Thanks a bunch, Billy Bob.

    I'm working on another Twisted Wrestling Theatre, it'll be finished... whenever. To fill the time, I picked up XPW - Hardcore Conception. To make a very, very long story short, it sucked ass in every way imaginable. So what? I'm a nice guy, I'll give them another chance. Hardcore Conception was the beginning of the fed, this is a whole year later. They MUST'VE changed for the better given all this time... plus, this time it wasn't me paying for the videotape. Tea hee!

  • XPW Video presents: Go Funk Yourself - XPW's One Year Aneversary Show.

  • This videotape is for adults only... okay.

  • XPW wrestlers are highly trained professionals... HA!

  • One year later, and it's still the same five or six guys in the opening video package over and over.

  • Your hosts are Chris Kloss (the biggest Joey Styles wannabe you ever will see) and Larry Rivera (your stereotypical chicano male color commentator in a D level garbage federation), LIVE on TAPE from the hsitoric LA Sports Arena (funny... I've never heard of it).

  • We open up with Sabu, the XPW World champion coming to ringside with some manager schmuck of his to give an interview. He's got... *something* as his entrance music, but XPW's sound system is so bad that you can't hear anything. Schmucky Manager Guy... wow! Curses, on an XPW tape! At least they stopped bleeping the bad words... he syas that it's not cool to be an XPW fan after whatever happened the previous weekend. Yep, you're right there. He goes off on Paul Heyman and ECW (what a shock), and we start our opening match...

  • No, wait. First, we get Rob Black and his Army at ringside to cut an interview... yep, he sure looks like a bitter ex-porn distributor. Ooh, he uses words like "Internet marks" and "mic skills", he's KEWL! Oops, I spoke too soon - he gets bleeped on "fuck". He says he can do whatever he wants because he owns this bleeping company, and we don't. I've got a dollar, how much can it be? He sends in the Black Army to beat Sabu's ass... one guy at a time. Real smart. Sabu and... douchbag in an executioner's mask fight over the belt. On to the opening match...

  • WAIT! Terry Funk, Sabu's championship match opponent for the night, makes his way to ringside. He tosses words at Sabu like "chicken choking pecker puke". 'Kay... Schmucky Manager Guy holds Sabu back from Funk, and we FINALLY get our opening match.

  • Nosawa (TAKA Michinoku lookalike) vs. Pogo the Clown (fat guy in a clown suit). The area looks like a WCW arena from 1993, except there's not even enough people to crowd over to one side in front of the camera. No entrance for Nosawa. Kloss drives home the fact that Pogo is insane, because... he carries a shovel. And he's fat. Or something. Pogo lets the crowd know "duh, I'm the heel because I flip the crowd off". Two dropkicks, three superkicks, and Nosawa drags Pogo to the outside. Nosawa goes back inside, and hits Pogo with a suicide dive... and hits his head on the unpadded concrete floor. They brawl, and Nosawa chops Pogo in the head off the ring apron. Back inside, Nosawa chops Pogo into the corner. Stupid Fat Clown reverses Stereotypical Japanese Fella's attempted Irish whip into a big, fat shortarm clothesline. Nosawa's selling of that is comical, in a bad way. Bodyslam by Pogo, followed by a fat assed elbow drop, more comical selling, and a two count. Nosawa gets sent into the ropes, and is met with a back elbow. Pogo hits a front suplex, the Closed Casket Crunch (he lifts the guy onto his shoulders, and... sits down) for three. -1/4* After the match, another un-named Japanese wrestler runs in to help out Nosawa. It's his Gurentai tag team partner... ugh. You're a WWF ripoff, too?!? Plagarize something a little more high profile, at least. Pogo dispatches them both with a double flapjack, and licks a shovel for good measure. Not a good start...

  • The West Side NGZ (Chronic and Big Rott) vs. Mexico's Most Wanted (Halloween, Damien 666, and Rey Mysterio Sr. w/Lady Victoria). Victoria is just plain ugly. She tries to call out the Westsiders, but the mic won't work. Halloween and Damien try, but it's no use. Carlito Montana joins Chronic and Rott in the match to make the sides even. We begin with a pier six, and Mysterio DDT's Montana. Damien in against Rott, and a springboard bodyblock gets two. Damien springboard dropkicks Rott and tags in Rey-Rey Sr. Carlito tags in, springboard dropkicks Damien, and lays some punches and chops to Mysterio. Montana shot into the corner, boots Rey in the face, they reverse whips n' stuff, and Mysterio powerslam's Montana. The ref's distracted by Halloween and Damien, and once he comes to his senses he gets a two count. Punches, Irish whips, Carlito ends up on the mat, and Rey misses a senton drop. He dodges a dropkick from Carlito, hits one of his own, Chronid runs in and sidekick's Mysterio, and Halloween takes his place inside. Chronic goes into the ropes, and shoulderblock's Halloween. He goes into the ropes again, and is armdragged. Chronic armdrags Halloween, they push eachother off one another's covers, Halloween ducks Chronic's sidekick, and Montana (the actual legal man) bulldogs Halloween from behind. Mysterio (the other legal man), bulldogs Chronic. Mysterio and Montana go outside. Damien and Halloween double team Chronic on the inside, and Halloween dropkicks our beloved NuJack wannabe in the face. Back outside, Rey powerbombs Carlito through the timekeeper's table. That looked pretty bad. They both get back in the ring after some stalling from Victoria, and Mysterio uses a staple gun several times on forehead. I thought he was above that kind of crap... Damien dropkicks Carlito, who rolls to the outside. Mysterio surprises a charging Montana with a cross bodyblock from the apron. Inside, Damien clotheslines Rott, then causes Chronic to join him in the ring. Smart, eh? Halloween ducks a chairshot from Chronic, which hits Rott by mistake. Hallwoeen superkicks the chair into Chronic's face, and hits Rott with a baseball slide on the outside. He slides a table into the ring, and then brawls off to the side with Rott. Mysterio and Montana are still fighting, and Rott sends Halloween over the guard rail. Damien tries to 'rana Chronic through the awaiting table, but gets crotched. Lady Victoria comes in and slaps away at Chronic. Rott hoists her onto his partner's shoulder, and he blows a piledriver from the top rope through the table, prompting Kloss to scream like a girl for the first time tonight. Rott Baldo Bomb/SkyHi's a charging Damien, who is hit with the Drive By (Chronic spinkick's the guy while Rott holds him up) for a fast three count. Why?!? * Didn't suck or anything, but nothing really clicked. Mexico's Most Wanted holds down the referee and staple gun's him in the head. Why does EVERY match need a post match brawl?

  • "I Quit" match: Kid Kaos (I knew I was right in thinking they couldn't pass up an easy chance for misspelling a name for the sake of aliteration...) vs. Steve Rizzono. "Rizzono" is pronounced either "Ri-ZAH-no" or "Guy who wears a Wolfpac shirt and spells out WCW with his fingers", depending on what part of the country you're from. Rizzono hides behind the ring apron, waiting for Kaos. Kid Kaos looks like a pudgier Rocky Maivia. Rizzono elbows Kaos in the chin from behind the apron, and then whips him into the guard rail twice. Kloss accidentally calls this match our main event. Whatever, dude. In the ring, Kaos reverses an Irish whip attempt with a ginchy lookin' Russian legsweep, and locks on a weak rear chinlock. Back to the outside, Kaos is whipped into the guard rail yet again. The camera misses him going into the ring post, and Rizzono brings two steel chairs back into the ring with him. Kaos rolls back in, and reverses an attempted superplex onto both chairs with a sunset fip powerbomb onto said chairs. What Kloss calls a "Sharpshooter type hold" is actually a Boston crab, and that's what Kaos puts Rizzono in. Kid Kaos whips Rizzono into the ropes, puts him down with a drop toe hold, and goes from that into a cross face chicken wing, while having the legs immobilized. Cool. He fights out of it, and is caught in Kaos' side headlock. Kaos goes from that into a SWEET Acid Drop-ish reverse DDT. Rizzono picks up a chair, and smacks Kaos in the face when he looks for his own chair shot. Rizzono locks on a dragon sleeper, and the ref... rings the bell? Ah, there was one of Rob Black and Steve Rizzono's stooges under the ring with a mic, and HE said "I quit". Kaos explains this to the ref, and pastes Rob Black. Rizzono puts down Kaos with a shot to the head, and follows it up with a belly to back suplex off the top. Rob Black tosses Rizzono his cane, and he reveals a "pirate" sword concealed in it. Kaos blocks the sword from being jabbed into his eye, smacks Rizzono in the head a few times with it (Girly Kloss Shriek #2), and the match ends for real when Rizzono quits with the sword against his forehead. It would be *** or so if not for that gosh darned Dusty Finish, so **3/4. The required post match brawl erupts when Black Army members Tracy Smothers, Jake Lawless, and Crack the security guard run in. They're all fought off by Kaos, who then hits a Blockbuster off the TOP rope (in your face, Buff!) on the reviving Rizzono. Rob Black sets up a "Loser Leaves XPW" match for later in the show, with Kaos fighting Smothers. Black states that if Kaos loses, he goes back to doing "independent shows". What do you call XPW?

  • "White Trash" Johnny Webb (your Sandman ripoff) w/Jessica vs. Homeless Jimmy. Jessica is pretty damn hot, I'll give them that. Webb annoys the shit out of me by telling the crowd to "simmuh down now", taking off the horribly unfunny SNL skit. Anyway, Webb tells us that Jimmy had an "accident" (caused by Webb, the announcers tell us), so he won't be wrestling tonight. John Kronus wanders out, and we get...

  • "White Trash" Johnny Webb w/Jessica vs. John Kronus. How the mighty have fallen... actualy, in Kronus' case, it's more like "how the fallen have fallen further". Kronus ducks a swing of the Singapore cane, and whips Webb into the corner. Webb jumps to the second turnbuckle, and kicks Kronus in the chest when he charges the corner. Webb misses a legdrop from the second rope, but gets up in time to smack Kronus with the cane. Jimmy limps out with his shopping cart of goodies, and it turns into...

  • "White Trash" Johnny Webb w/Jessica vs. John Kronus vs. Homeless Jimmy (who dresses like Raven) w/his shopping cart of goodies. You mean this ISN'T ECW? Jimmy comes in with a trash can lid to Webb's head, sends him into the ropes, and dropkicks him in the gut. The Homeless One knocks both Webb and Kronus with the trash can lid and elbow drops Webb. Jimmy clotheslines Webb into the corner, snapmare's him out, and is suplexed by Kronus. Chris Kloss calls it a "textbook suplex"... why? If it's a textbook suplex, just call it an f'n suplex! That extra word isn't necessary! Webb brings Kronus to his knees with dual shots with the garbage can lid, and retrieves a steel chair from beneath the ring while Kronus knocks Jimmy outside. White Trash throws the chair in Jimmy's face, who then picks the chair back up and nails Webb with it. Jimmy whips Webb into the awaiting Kronus' trash can lid shot, and Webb falls in the right position for Jimmy's shopping cart to be pushed into his nuts (Kloss Shriek #3). The recently bladed Kronus is whipped to the guardrail as Jessica hands Webb the Singapore cane. He hits both opponents in the head with it once, Jimmy wanders over to argue with Jessica, and Kronus hits Webb with a garbage can. Webb regains control with the water bottle of death a split second later. Jimmy comes back over, DDT's Webb on the concrete, and is hit with the trash can by Kronus after he vaults off the shopping cart. Jimmy blades. Webb brings a ladder in the ring, and goes back out after Jimmy. He rolls him back in and goes after Kronus, but Jimmy leaps off the top rope and hits both men on the outside. They're all up, and Webb hits Kronus in the head with a steel chair. Jimmy hits him with a cookie sheet, and Webb swings the chair at Jimmy's skull. Johnny places Homeless Jimmy on the timekeeper's table and elbow drops him off the apron. Kronus and Webb go back in, and Kronus does his crappy ass handspring elbow. Jimmy sneaks back inside to prop the ladder up on the turnbuckle, and goes after Kronus. Jimmy's whipped into the ropes, and Kronus clotheslines him down. Webb legdrops Jimmy as he's getting back up, and then Kronus hip tosses Jimmy upside down into the ladder. Webb resets the ladder against the middle rope, and Jimmy reverses his suplex attempt into one of his own into the ladder. Kronus powerslams Jimmy, then jumps off the second turnbuckle into a tumbling senton splash. Webb breaks up the pin attempt at two. Jimmy whips Webb to the ropes, who reverses it before he even hits the ropes for a clothesline. They both go to the outside, bounce Kronus inbetween steel chairs, and they crotch him onto the guard rail. Two guys come out of nowhere and put a table in the ring. Jimmy places Webb atop the table, but Webb awakes in time to fuck up a German suplex off the top rope, VERY badly. That doesn't break the table, neither does a spinebuster, and a top rope splash finally breaks it and gives Johnny Webb the victory. **1/2 Not a half bad brawl.

  • King of the Deathmatch: The Messiah w/Lizzy Borden vs. Supreme (c) w/Kristi Myst. Two sides of the ropes are laced with barbed wire, and there are beds of nails propped up against two turnbuckles. On the outside, there are beds of thumbtacks, lightbulbs, a barbed wire board, and a coffee table full of flourescant lightbulbs topped with barbed wire. Messaih's gimmick is either the son of God or the guy in the black shirt and pants, I'm not sure. Lizzy Borden looks strikingly fuckable, as does Kristi Myst. Supreme (lucky bastard) lays a big wet smooch on Kristi before the match starts. Both Messiah and Supreme dodge the beds of nails, Messiah slides out of an Irish whip, ducks a clothesline, and dropkicks Supreme. Supreme back up, and he clotheslines Messiah thrice, who takes a breather outside. Back in, Messiah tries to rake Supreme's forehead on the rope's barbed wire. He shakes him off, sends him to the apron, and Messiah nearly falls off into the table of flourescant lightbulbs. Messiah flips back in, and gets elbowed in the face while coming off the ropes. He takes another break outside, and Supreme follows him out this time. Messiah comes back in, but is tripped and reverse powerbombed into the bed of thumbtacks (Kloss Shriek #4). Supreme and the referee (?) slide the thumbtacks into the ring. Supreme drags Messiah over to the bed of lightbulbs, and suplexes him into them. Supreme no-sells a shot into the ropes with the barbed wire, gets caught in a sleeper, and slammed into the thumbtacks. Supreme quickly shakes that off, whacks Messiah with a steel chair, drops a handful of tacks onto the seat, but Messiah reverses a suplex into a DDT onto the thumbtacked chair. He follows that up by suplexing Supreme into the bed of thumbtacks. No-sell that, ya' tubby bitch... Messiah slides the barbed wire board into the ring, places it wire side down on Supreme (w/the ref's assistance, damnit!), and springboard moonsault's on top of the board. That gets a really weird looking two count, since the ref can't count without getting tacks in his hand. Supreme whips Messiah into the bed of nails in the corner, who then ducks a charge, sending Supreme into the nails. Messiah rakes Supreme's head on the barbed wire, and DDT's him to keep him down long enough to retrieve the timekeeper's table (how many tables does this guy have?!?). He puts the wire board on top of the table, comes back inside, and Supreme fallaway slams him into the thumbtacks. Messiah gets whipped into the ropes w/the wire (and sells), and gets clotheslined and legdropped into the thumbtacks. Supreme hoists him up and powerslams him first into the bed of nails, then into the thumbtacks for a two count. Supreme superplexes Messiah from the top rope to the barbed wire table outside, prompting a delayed Kloss Shriek (#5). Supreme looked like he caught most of the table there. Rob Black comes out AGAIN to help Messiah up, a catfight between Kristin and Lizzy is teased, and once both men get back inside, Lizzy Borden slaps Supreme. He gets her back by... rubbing his bloody face in her tits. Oookay... Messiah comes from behind with a chair to the head. Messiah and everyone's helper, the ref, prop the bed of thumbtacks up in between two chairs. Kristi comes in, gets forced to her knees in the corner by Messiah, she, uhh... bites his dick (Kloss Shriek #6), and Supreme powerbombs Messiah through the thumbtacks for three. ** Good enough for what it was, and we'll leave it at that. The Black Army attacks Supreme after the match (fuckin' XPW...), sets up the flourescant lightbulb coffee table on the... uhh, timekeeper's table (that's the third or fourth one he's had tonight), and Messiah Diamond Cuts Supreme through it (Kloss Shriek #7).

  • Supreme is stretchered out of the building. Didja NEED to show all of it?

  • Loser Leaves XPW: Tracy Smothers vs. Kid Kaos. Referee Pee Wee Moore needs to tuck his shirt in...collar and elbow tieup, and Smothers goes to the outside. Kaos vaults over the top rope onto Smothers, whips him into the guard rail, sends him back inside, and hits a flying body press for two. Smothers throws Kaos out and baseball slides him, followed by a whip to the railing. Back inside, Kaos goes for a Russian legsweep, falls back too soon, and gets a Flatliner/Downward Spiral/Novacaine. Kaos gets almost immediately back up, they trade some punches, Kaos into the ropes, and he gets a headscissor take down, followed by a huricanrana for two. Missile dropkick gets two again. Smothers gets some kicks off, and recieves a two count for his troubles. Snapmare, kneedrop, and Smothers misses a knee off the second rope. Kaos comes off the top with the Blockbuster, which only gets two. Kaos has some trouble nailing the Acid Drop/Reverse DDT, but hits it in the end for the win. 1/2* Too short to really do anything. Kaos already had a match and was seriously winded, and Smothers...

  • Rob Black and Tracy Smothers embrace afterwards, showing us that the stip was bullshit. Nice.

  • XPW World championship: Sabu (c) w/Josh Lazie vs. Terry Funk w/Rob Black. Okay, so schmucky manager guy has a name, after all. Note to XPW: champions enter last. Funk flips over the timekeeper's (ugh) table before the match starts. Collar and elbow tieup, three left hands, and Terry throws Sabu to the outside. Sabe brings him over to the now upright timekeepers table, and bangs his head against it, breaking it in two. A fan steals Funk's bandana that he entered with. Sabu throws Funk back in, and gets a two count. Funk tumbles into the corner, is whipped to the opposite one, schmucky manager throws him a chair, and the vaulting sidekick (Poetry in Motion, I guess) misses. Terry tries to piledrive Sabu off the second rope onto the chair, but as is the norm with top rope moves tonight, he fucks it up. He hits Sabu with the mangled chair, and Sabu... throws him to the outside. I'd love it if at least one match could stay in the goddamn ring... Sabu fucks up Air Sabu, and Funk crawls down the aisle, chucking a chair at Sabu's face. They fight up to the entrance, and... knock... the whole... thing... down (Kloss Shriek #8). Dear God. They brawl up to the stage where the announcers sit, and they demolish the table, computer and all. Terry becomes my hero by punching out Chris Kloss. Funk throws Sabu off the stage into the crowd, and they make their way back to the ring. There's another mysterious table set up, and Sabu splashes Funk, and the table doesn't break. He goes up top again, but Terry Funk dodges a legdrop. Terry rolls outside, takes a swig of lighter fluid from Rob Black, pours some on his branding iron, and lights it (Kloss Shriek #9). He comes back in, misses a fireball, another fireball comes from... somewhere and hits Funk, Sabu throws a fireball at him, hits him with the branding iron while he's down, and covers Funk to retain the World title. -*** This was fucking pathetic, only worse than the first match because it lasted three times as long. It's ridiculous that Terry Funk has been reduced to this stuff. Retire already, Terry. It's for the best. Sabu has always sucked, pay no mind.

  • End of show.

  • No, wait... first we get Josh Lazie speaking for Sabu in the locker room. Bill Alphonzo he ain't. He challenges Funk to a rematch.

  • Terry Funk retaliates with an interview... in which the camera is turned to the side the whole time. Terry says that Sabu is a bastard that's never heard of a wrestling hold, and that he can't handle real wrestling. Amen, Funker! He challenges Sabu to a barbed wire steel cage, I Quit match for sometime in the future. Well, it's be safe to say that I won't be watching.

  • Kloss and Rivera shill, end of show.

  • Bottom Line: This is the worst wrestling show I've ever seen, hands down (then again, I haven't seen Heroes of Wrestling) with an average Elmo Star Rating of right around 1/2*. Kid Kaos is damn good, he's got so much ahead of him... that's aboot the only bright spot of the entire tape. I'm shocked that this D level, wannabe wrestling promotion has made it two years. I hope you shut down, XPW, and soon.

    Strongest reccomendation to avoid at all costs.

    Elmo Machete

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