THE SHOOTER'S RAW MAGAZINE REVIEW
HELLO ONCE AGAIN, MALENKOMANIACS!
Well, it should be obvious to everyone with a pulse that the new year has
arrived! And what better way to start this palindromic new year with a
bang than with the glorious return of my trademark RAW Magazine reviews?!
Yes, in an event more long-awaited than Triple H's return, I have once
again made RAW Magazine safe for you tools to read! I would have had this
review finished sooner but I did not want that dastardly Triple H and his
sizable schnozz to steal my thunder! Much like that juiced-up jackass,
I, too was severely injured over the past few months! Due to a wicked hangnail,
I was understandably much too incapacitated to turn the pages of this lousy
rag! I didn't want to chance it, either... if I had gotten a paper cut
on top of my devastating hangnail, my career in writing literary masterpieces
on the internet may very well have been over! BUT, because of my guts,
determination and intense consumption of alcohol to numb the pain, I was
able to rehabilitate myself back to tip-top shape! I tell you, I was in
that rehab center for 27 hours a day, 8 days a week! It was grueling, but
it was all worth it to return to what I love doing: getting drunk, watching
Family Ties, and passing out whilst babbling sweet love nothings to Mallory
Keaton! Oh yeah, and writing these things! And that, dear reader, brings
us to this point in time! As always, if you have a copy of this, go get
it and play along! If not, go buy one, cheap ass! Strap in folks, 'cause
HERE WE GO:
page 6: ROSS from Ringside: Capital letters?! Has JR gone RUDO on us?! Anyway, our favorite fat Okie has yet another list of questions he had stuffed under his black Resistol hat! And once again your favorite handsome Shooter has the answers to these questions! Here you go:
Will weight issues be
the unnecessary downfall of some prominent Superstars in the WWF?
Why is Paul Heyman so
easy to dislike?
What is Matt Hardy thinking
about these days?
What does the future hold
for Diamond Dallas Page?
Does anyone verbalize
more effectively than William Regal?
Will Tajiri realize sooner
than later that he needs to speak better English?
Can X-Pac have a healthy
Who will be Tough Enough
this season on MTV?
Will Spike Dudley ever
find true love?
page 8: Kurt Angle promotes his book. Apparently, he visited the Regis & Some Other Broad morning show recently! Personally, I think he stopped by a few months too late! If he had put Kathie Lee Gifford in the ankle lock, I could have died a happy man! "This is for all those kids you had working in the slums of Calcutta for 5 cents an hour, bitch! WHOOOOOOO!!!"
page 10: Fantasy Warfare: RAW begins its slow descent into the realm of crappy kayfabe magazines by attempting to predict match results in a sport where the outcomes are predetermined! You go, RAW Magazine! Anyway, they weigh the pros and cons of two legendary wrestlers, Kane and Big John Studd! Who do *I* think would win? Definitely Kane, because John Studd is, you know, DEAD! Dead people have difficulty kicking out before the three-count! And besides, with the exception of Terry Funk, the living dead do not wrestle! End of story! The only way I could see Studd taking the upset victory here is if he KO'd Kane with the overwhelming stench from his decaying, lard-laden corpse!
Arguing about which wrestler
would win in a fight...Christ, was this article was written by Mrs. Yahootie's
3rd grade Special Ed class?! "DAHHHH NO WAY AUSTIN COULD BEAT THE ROCK
JOEY YOU STUPID!!!! AHAHAHAHAahahahaaaaaaghhhh [drool]"
page 14: "Don't Mess with This Texan" An interview with Bradshaw! It's the typical Bradshaw interview: "Hey look, even though he's big and strong, he knows a lot about financial stuff! He's probably even smarter than YOU! See, not ALL wrestlers are big, drooling, spandex-wearing meatheads!" Is that really THAT impressive, folks?! I mean, UPN even did a piece on Mr. Shaw regarding his financial smarts, in a part of their ongoing campaign to tie in the WWF with all their news reports! "The World Wrestling Federation's BRADSHAW! He knows about stocks and money and stuff, you know! We'll talk with the WWF's POWER broker...UP NEXT! You're watching UPN!" How soon will it be till we see "300 children in West Testicle, Montana killed by radiation poisoning from a leaky nuclear reactor! We'll see what the Rock thinks about this dire situation...RIGHT AFTER THIS!"
Hey, check out this picture
of a young Bradshaw:
Anyway, I'm (Brad)SHAW that this article is crap! NEXT!!!
"Hello, fans! Ah am a BIG TOMAYTA! Guess where this finger has been! MAH GAWD!"
page 24: "72 Hours: You Don't Know Half the Story Until You've Walked a Mile in J.R.'s Boots" I'd rather wear my OWN shoes, thx! But anyway, here is a quote from this article: "Ross studies notes before the start of the No Mercy pay-per-view. JR's meticulous preparation is a huge part of his on-air duties." Now, NORMALLY one could only speculate as to what Good Ol' JR had scrawled on these pages! BUT, you tools forget that you're dealing with a bona fide WWF Superstar here, and I have access to such backstage shenanigans! So I put Tubby in an armbar and stole his notebook, and now I reveal the shocking truth to ordinary people like YOU!
- Plug BBQ sauce at least
500 times per televised show, 700 times during pay-per views!
pg. 30: "When Business Meets Pleasure: Stone Cold Steve Austin and Debra are Sports-Entertainment's Ultimate Power Couple!" Stop right there. Since when is being married to Debra "PLEASURE?!" The woman looks positively ghastly! She looks older than ME, for Chrissake! Uh, I mean, not that I'm old or anything!! SHUT UP!!!
Anyway, Stone Cold enlightens us with these words: "Yes, you've got Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley, but as far as I'm concerned, Debra is one of the top females in the business. Before she left to take care of me, she was already one of the top females in the business, if not the top female in the business." All I have to say is: WHOO-CHH! WHOO-CHH! Wait, how do you type that whip cracking sound? See, he's WHIPPED, so...right. SHUT UP, it was funny when I was off my rocker on Pete's Wicked Ale at 3 a.m. last night!
But mayhaps I've been too
critical to poor Debra! Austin may be on to something when he claims that
Debra is a smart, talented woman! Yes indeed, Debra is a master in the
field of "Standing Around at Ringside and Applauding During All the Right
Times!" Way to go, horseface! I cannot even begin to fathom why this woman
gets a better reaction from the masses than I do! ("Deano-san! Obvious
it is to me that there is are TWO BIG REASONS for success of Mrs. Stone
Beer Cold Austin Rattlesnake!") Who asked YOU?!
page 36: "The Shadow of the Past: Could the Superstars of Yesteryear Cut It in the Federation of Today?" Holy Socks, what is this, the Senior Citizen issue of RAW Magazine?! Seriously! This magazine is full of old or dead folks! Nikki freakin' Sixx of Motley Crue is on the back cover, fergawdsakes! There are even old farts in the ad copy now! You see what happens?! I miss a few months of reviews, and this rag descends into a deeper pit of hell than before! I think we're down to the seventh layer now!
pg. 51: "Making the Dream Reality: Tough Enough winners Maven and Nidia still have a long road ahead" Yer damn skippy they do! Three months of, as this article sayeth, "putting your body through months of rigorous torture," and for what? Three matches against Tazz and getting your skull fractured by the business end of an Undertaker chairshot! WOW, you beat TAZZ! THAT'LL look good on your resume! Who HASN'T beaten Tazz these days?! Even Funaki isn't afraid of Tazz! Hell, even *I* could beat Tazz! I mean, of COURSE I would beat Tazz! I'm not a jobber! (really!) Now you may say, "But Dean, Maven DID eliminate the Undertaker at the 2002 Rumble! That should catapult him to superstardom, shouldn't it?" Well, I'll give you that! He DID eliminate the 'Taker from the Royal Rumble! Just like...Giant Gonzales! And look at the echelon of fame HE reached! *snicker* Anyway, see you in the farm feds, Eyebrow Boy! I'll be sure to save my stiffest Cloverleaf just for YOU! (tool) ...No, I am NOT bitter because Maven is already more over than I am! SHUT UP ("Plus, I bet if he grew his hair in, he'd still have more than you!") Why do I keep this guy around?!
And let's not forget that other broad who won! 3 months of constant torment from an orange midget from Brooklyn, all for the chance to accompany Maven to ringside a few times! WOW. Keep reaching for that rainbow, Nidia!
"It takes a special kind
of person to wait in line to get their tails kicked, but that's what Maven
and Nidia did." Yeah, SPECIAL is the right word! "AHHHH DUHHH HEE HEE
HIT ME AGAIN, PAIN DON'T HURT AND BESIDES MY HELMET WILL ABZORB THE PAIN!!!
page 57: The RAW Magazine Old Person Love-In continues with an article on Ernie Ladd, who was wrestling before most of you were just a dribble down your papa's leg! Quoth this article: "In addition to his political activity, Ladd is part of a Christian ministry that travels to prisons and provides services to inmates." So THAT'S where Booker T stole his act from! And I thought his confessional segment was original! SHAME, Booker, SHAME! Anyway, since nobody knows who Ernie Ladd is, Booker could run with this reverend gimmick! I could see the Booker Man touring prisons nationwide! "What do you wish to git off yo' chest today, sucka?!" "Whut da FUCK?! Whutchoo talkin' 'bout, nigga?! Pro wrasslin'... sheeit, ditch dat fake wrasslin' shit and come fuck wit da big boyz fo' REAL! If ah wuzn't behind dese here bars I'd fuck you up good, muvfucka!!" "Tell me... he didn't just say dat!! I'ma spinaroonie right outta dis joint! Feets, do yo' stuff!"
page 64: ...the HELL?! This must be new... "The Finisher: Droz is Still a Superstar"...and it's by Tazz! TAZZ! Who in the name of Lou Thesz let Tazz write an article?! Something tells me this article was ghostwritten... I mean, there's no WAY Tazz could have formed a coherent sentence on his own! He didn't even graduate the fourth grade, fertheluvvaChrist! I'll betcha this article started out as "BROTHA, DROZ IS A CRIPPEL!! I WOOD CHOAK HIS AZZ OWT BUTT HE PROBALY WOODN'T FEAL IT!!!!!!!!" scrawled on a napkin in orange crayon! They give THIS guy an article, and yet they pass up the opportunity to let a Shakespearean bard such as myself write for their lousy magazine! And for that matter, how come Droz gets a WWF.com article, and *I* don't?! People with no feeling in their hands make lousy typists! Hey... I'm noticing a correlation here:
1995 - Tazz suffers
a broken neck at the hands of Too Cold Scorpio and...er, myself... well,
I'm SORRY! I was drunk! You understand, don'tcha?
So I guess you have to have
a black guy drop you on your head to get an official column around here!
Go figure! I think I'll stay on the 'Net and keep my vertebrae intact,
thankyouverymuch! And that's all for this month, Malenkomaniacs! SEE YA!!!
"The Shooter" Dean Malenko