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Dean Malenko

Give me my sweater back or I'll play the guitar


Me vs. Gedo, Super J-Cup 1994

GREETINGS AND SALUTATIONS ONCE AGAIN, MALENKOMANIACS!!! So recently, after intense scrutiny and deliberation, I realized that the target demographic of this website is primarily comprised of prepubescent twerps! Which means that a shockingly large number of you are unaware of my wrestling experiences in years past! That's right, toolz, as I have stated many times before, I was trading holds and reversals with the best of them (and Gedo) while many of you were sitting slumped in your highchairs, peein' in yer PampersTM, and barely coherent of your surroundings! Actually, I'm willing to bet that many of you are still like that today! So anyway, because of this sad but true information, I have taken it upon myself to recap a match from my earlier days in Japan! This particular match is from one of the classic "Super J-Cup" junior heavyweight tournaments, this particular one taking place eons ago in 1994! But before we get down to bidness, let me introduce you to...




Gedo, my opponent for the first round, is a porcine tool who wears red cutoffs! And to think he occasionally used "Sharp Dressed Man" as entrance music! But I guess a red Japanese pig-man is better than one of those ZZ Top freakish beard dudes! At the time, he had the stupid hairstyle as shown in the picture above, though he would later switch to the BLOND AFRO OF DOOM! You may also recognize him as "Dim Sum" in the Nintendo 64 game "WCW vs. nWo World Tour." Which is an appropriate name, as you will find that his wrestling abilities sure add up to just that! A DIM SUM! WHAMMO~! Oh man, that was a good 'un! I'm here all week, folks! (By that last joke, I mean that Gedo is not a very good wrestler at all! Oh HO!) He also might have won titles and stuff, I don't know.

[Note: As you can see, my camera malfunctioned and permanently went into "Monochrome Mode" when I took this picture, because Gedo is so fat and ugly!]



And his opponent, from Tampa, Florida, weighing in at 216 lbs...ME! "The Shooter" Dean Malenko! I must say I look mighty fine as always during this match! I don't look a day over 30! I mean, I AM 30 now! Not 41 as some shady internet "journalists" may have led you to believe! Anyway, at this point I was competing for Antonio Inoki's New Japan Pro Wrestling! I was a big success there and I had many great matches with Chris Benoit (then "Wild Pegasus"), Eddy Guerrero (then "Black Tiger"), and a bunch of other guys you've never heard of 'cos you're all a bunch of uneducated MARKS (then a bunch of guys you've STILL never heard of 'cos you're STILL all a bunch of uneducated MARKS)!


HERE WE GO! But it wouldn't be a rasslin' match without entrances! Gedo gets first entrance and his music is totally gaye! It sounds like music for some short-lived 80s game show! I enter second and somberly jog my way to the ring, accompanied by BADASS generic rock music! My expression is pensive, as I wonder just who I pissed off to draw Gedo as an opponent! The announcer ...uh, announces us. He can't quite pronounce "Malenko" ("DEEEEN... MA-REN-KOOOO!!!") because he is a fucking godless Jap! I got a bigger pop than GAY-do (HAHAHA, me = funny), by the way! I know this 'cause I measured the audio output with a spectrum analyzer, JUST to be sure! It turned out my pop was 0.743 decibels louder! See what great lengths I go through to get you cretins off my case please my beloved fans?! You should thank me!

The ref pats us down to make sure we didn't bring any foreign objects that would mar the prestigiousness of this great tourn---HEY, getcher filthy yellow meat hooks off my package, you homo! I understand why you would be swayed by my rugged, manly physique, but ol' Deano Machino doesn't shoot that way! There's only one special foreign object in the Shooter's tights and quite frankly, I do not want it confiscated, thankyouverymuch! Ref goes over the rules for us... too bad I can't understand a damn thing this narrow-eyed bastich is saying! SPEAK ENGLISH!! He encourages Gedo and I to shake hands... I begrudgingly accept. Ugh, Gedo's hand smells like a fetid combination of pork rinds and sushi! At least, I HOPE that's what it is...

DING! LEZ GIT IT OWN! I start off with a bang by tagging Gedo with a picture perfect dropkick! Fatty goes down! Leapfrog over, and another dropkick sends Tubby squealing to the outside! He takes freakin' FOREVER to get back in! C'mon, lardass, move it! We don't have all day here! You're lucky my squat, babyesque physique prevents me from doing planchas of any kind, or I'd have shot outside like a balding bullet and sent your ass flying into the 5th row!

Back inside, I slow down the pace a bit with what I do best: CHAIN WRESTLING~! And unlike you uncultured oaves (plural of oaf) here in the States, chain wrestling actually gets a crowd reaction over in the great nation of Japan! I flip out of an armbar and apply a legbar to Porky! Gedo tries to tug my lovely locks to get me to release the hold! Stop pulling what's left of my hair, you buffoon! Find a way to counter this hold, like a REAL man! Yeeeeah, dawg, I'm really wrenching in this hold now... Oop, Gedo tries to turn it into a cross-arm breaker, but I manage to block it 'cos I'm such a technical wizard! Man, have you NOTICED how I can just see the moves coming a mile away? I'm a friggin' psychic, I tell you! I'm the Miss Cleo of wrestling! All I need is a turban and a nice tan!

Some more armbreakers and flipping around follow, and we do the ECW Standoff to---what's that I hear? Oh yes, APPLAUSE! Sweet, sweet applause! God, it's been so long since I've heard you... We follow up with some more mat wrestling, which is definitely a good thing! I love mat wrestling for its simple yet elegant grace, and its emphasis on the competitive spirit that defines our great sport! Also, I don't have to transcribe it! As a matter of fact, I'm gonna go warm up some frozen pizza! Man, one of these days I'm gonna have the wife teach me how to cook! Unfortunately, tonight she is working late at the office with her friend Julio, so I'm screwed! Man, this is the sixth night in a row she and Julio are working overtime together... She must have a lot of work to do, too, as she looks like an absolute wreck when she returns home at midnight... her hair in a rat's nest, clothes in shambles, lipstick smeared all over... It must be rough, working a boring ol' office job like that! She and Julio must be bored silly!

...BACK! And I almost burned my goddamn hand in the oven! I'm not using those fruity potholders my daughter bought me for the fifth day of Chanukah! Anyway, back to the match:  Belly to belly wristlock applied to a grounded Gedo. The advantage is mine! Muhahaha!! Finally, Gedo catches me off guard with a boot to the stomach! Therefore, I have no choice but to resort to fisticuffs! After being dazed by my lightning quick rights and lefts, I perform a snapmare, followed by an elbow drop for 2. Chinlock (which not only hurts Tubba Bubba, but allows me to flex my bulging biceps), segued into a dragon sleeper. Gedo BLATANTLY breaks the time-honored rules of wrestling and escapes from the hold with a rake to my eyes! YEW CHEATIN' BASTUD! I regain control with a barrage of shoulders to the gorging gut of Gedo! Gedo's face... Meet Mr. Turnbuckle! This match is all me, folks! Lifting him up for a vertical suplex---no---JACKHAMMER!! Which is called a "BRAINBUSTAH!" by the stoopid announcer! Ugh! I can only assume he is the Japanese Michael Cole! Anyway, the devastating Jackhammer gets...two?! How come Goldberg wins with that move and I don't?! I swear, the Jews control this business with a money-clenched fist! Hey, wait, I'M Jewish! Oh well, there goes that theory!

Oh, right, the match: My headscissors is turned over and reversed into a modified STF by Gedo. OW! I'm telling you for the last time, Lardo: Stop pulling my hair! Ref: "HEY! Don't pull hair!" U TELL 'IM, slant eyes! Thank you for explaining this blatant infraction of the rules in your best Engrish, Mr. Referee Sir! (tool) Even the announcers are vehemently protesting Gedo's lack of respect for the rules, as they are saying "Stop it" to each other back and forth! (It helps if you've actually seen this match and know that they really ARE saying "Stop it" to each other for some reason... dreadfully sorry) I MAKE THE ROPES! Break it, Lunchbox! Exchanging blows (not like that, sicko) ...into the ropes, simultaneous shoulder blocks send us both down! Who will be the first to make it to their feet? ME, of course! I attempt a Tombstone piledriver, but Fatty reverses it into a Tombstone of his own! CURSES!! Gedo climbing up top for a diving headbutt---dodged by me! It's gonna take more than a crappy ol' Tombstone to keep the Shooter down, folks! That move doesn't hurt THAT much! I don't understand how the Undertaker won so many matches with that move! I think he paid his opponents to take a dive for him! If he ever did that to me, I would no-sell it! But it is unlikely that the dream match of Malenko/Undertaker will ever take place now that I am retired, so we can only speculate!

LARIAT by me for a near fall! Whip reversed, sending me towards the buckles, but I nimbly hop over them onto the ring apron, causing Gedo to crash into the corner like an oaf! They should call him GedOAF! I'm in rare form today, kids! I capitalize on Gedo's mistake with a top rope flying bodypress... 1, 2, NO!!! I give the ref the evil eye, as I suspect treachery! I just KNOW these slants are working against me! Whip, Gedo attempts a back body drop, but I kick him in his fat face! Bounce off the ropes, getting a head of steam---CHARGING AT GEDO---but I'm caught in a powerslam! ONE... TWO......................................

...and wouldn't you know it, at this point my VCR mysteriously malfunctions! Goddamn gook videotapes! Well, so much for seeing the ending of this match! We can only surmise what happened after this point... so here is an artist's rendition of what probably occurred after this P.O.S. Quasar crapped out on me:

The true Hollywood story

Now you may be saying "Dean, you weren't pinned by a pig's powerslam and are afraid to admit it, are you?" Er...of COURSE not! First of all, my ego is strong enough to withstand a loss here and there! (say, one every few years or so) And secondly, there is no WAY I would lie down to such a basic wrestling maneuver! (If you're wondering why I am not listed as advancing past the first round in this tournament on every wrestling tape site on the internet, it's because there is a typo! Yes, on EVERY wrestling tape site on the internet! We'll get along much better once you realize that I am never wrong!)

Winner: Dean Malenko (me) via submission (Texas Cloverleaf)
Rating: Thank God I was in this match, or it would have been pulled into an alternate dimension of suckage by the Blackhole of Suck known as Gedo! ****3/4 for my excellent work in this match, 3/4* for Gedo not fucking up anything too bad, for a combined *****! Highest recommendation (but skip the ending! It's nothing you would want to see! Really! Please don't watch it! PLEASE!) I hope my match revue enriched your lives, Malenkomaniacs! SEE YOU NEXT TIME!!!

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