RANDOM THOUGHTS ON THE JUNE 2001 ISSUE OF RAW MAGAZINE
But first, some stuff I need to get out of the way:
HAPPY (BELATED) BIRTHDAY: To none other than the Z-man himself! Congrats on the Big 3-0!
DEDICATIONS: To Y2Jason, Shaddax, HHHutch, and Y-Pac for being my biggest fans! Thank you for your support, Malenkomaniacs! But frankly, you guys need to drop your respective Jericho/Raven/HHH/X-Pac shticks... Please, folks, do we REALLY need to have message board gimmicks?! How totally gay!
I GET LETTERS: This one is from Jeff Cao of Somewhere on Earth:
> Hi. I just came
off the CRZ forums, and I noticed your posts claiming to be Dean Malenko
(aka, the guy
Only when I'm applying a half Boston Crab on someone! HAHA!! GET IT?!?!!
> I mean, if you're the
real Dean Malenko, the suave, debonair playboy of wrestling...aren't you
afraid that Vince and his
Frankly, no! I'm much too big of a Superstar for Vinny Mac to punish or bury me! Just check out the PUSH~! that oaf Saturn and I have been getting recently!
I'm probably not the
first guy to come up to you and question whether or not you're indeed Dean
Of COURSE I'm real, you buffoon!!
I'm as real as the next guy! I'm as real as the Easter Bunny! Also, you're
damn right I'm
> I hope you're indeed
the real Dean Malenko. Personally, I think it's cool that a real wrestler
Of COURSE I'm really real!
I'm not some fabricated monster they invented to scare little kids, like
And why would I want to dupe the Smurfs?? They might be stupid little blue tools, but they don't hurt anybody!! What am I, Gargamel or something?! The Smurfs is one of Saturn's favorite shows. What a mental midget!
I also got this one, from Adam Mercer. He is British...so I'll speak slowly so that he may better understand:
Don't ya think your being
underused in WWF, I mean you left WCW because of exactly the same problem
yet had more success in Atlanta winning the US Title and all. The same
goes for Saturn, you were both doing better in WCW.
Mr. Mercer, I thank you for your concern! Frankly, YES, I am underused in the WWF! I am underused in EVERY promotion I participate in! ECW: No world title push! WCW: No world title push! WWF: No world title push! Japan: Being forced to job to Gedo in the first round of the 1994 Super J-Cup! To a stupid POWERSLAM!! What the crap is THAT about?!?! How would YOU like it if you had to lie down for a screaming, cutoff-wearing, blond-afro-having pig beast?! What have I done to make God angry!?! Why me?! But anyway, thank you for your support, Malenkomaniac! Oh, and as for Saturn, he's a buffoon, so who cares about him?! He is too busy going outside the lines in his coloring book to be too concerned about matters like this! I swear, you just can't talk to orange overgrown cross-eyed muscle dummies!
PS: I don't expect a response because no wrestlers to respond to any e-mail apart from Jerry Lawler.
He has PLENTY of time to answer emails nowadays! HA! What a tool! He deserves it for drooling over "puppies" all day and not properly putting over the Texas Cloverleaf as the PAINFUL SUBMISSION HOLD that it is in his commentary!
One more letter, and then
we'll move on:
Whoops, how did that get
in here?!?! I mean --- oh GROSS! Only PERVERTS look at that smut! They
must have meant to send it to some other Dean Malenko! *ahem*
Anyhoo, I decided to page
through the latest issue of RAW Magazine (the June 2001 one!) and offer
my thoughts on the various goings-on in this rag... Yes, I did steal the
basic concept from Ozzy Stillbourne at Metal-Sludge.com,
screw off! Mr. Stillbourne and the whole of Metal Sludge is wicked funny,
go visit it ...LATER, after you finish reading my stuff, tool! If you have
a copy of this issue, go get it and play along! Now, let our journey begin...
I'm only up to the table of contents and already the madness is starting!! "Heartstopping Holly - Molly shows RAW readers a new side with a hot pictorial and poster." What NEW side?! Here's what I got from looking at those pics:
Before Viewing Pics: Molly is a hot piece of ass
After Viewing Pics: Molly is still a hot piece of ass
So what's new? After all is said and done, I still find myself with the same tremendous urge to pound those beautiful BEEF CURTAINS~! (thumbs up, cheap pop, but no goofy smile, I don't do that!)
More table of contents crap: Who the hell thought it was a good idea to waste paper on Justin Credible?! Don't you people realize they cut down trees to make this stuff?!
"That's Incredible! Justin Credible has made Federation fans stand up and take notice!"
Or more likely, "stand up
and head to the crapper during his matches!" How exactly did Credible make
fans "stand up and take notice" anyway?! Because of his amazing string
of tremendous victories?! HAHAHA!! If memory serves me correctly, Credible's
ONLY singles win was against Grandmaster Sexay on HeAT a few months ago!
WOW! Need a ticket to stardom? Beat up an unemployed, hyperactive, drug
using wigga! The WWF will be beating down your door in NO TIME! You heard
it here, folks! Justin is the freakin' reverse X-Pac... he ALWAYS jobs
in singles matches! ("Unlike you, right, Dean?") SHUT UP
page 6: ROSS REPORT WACKINESS!! JR sez: "My XFL experience this past season was largely positive, and I have absolutely no regrets. Because I'm perceived as a 'wrestling guy' (no problem), I will probably not be asked back next season. Another possible reason I won't be coming back is because the XFL was shitcanned due to it being a colossal failure." I made part of that quote up!
What the hell is THIS?! "Dean Malenko will become one of the game's best teachers one his in-ring career comes to an end." Now while I don't doubt that, WHY is JR so freakin' anxious for me to retire? Goddammit, don't rush me, you cretinous, corpulent commentator! I'll retire when I'm damn good and ready!!
There's also a small paragraph
where JR puts over Grandmaster Sexay. Too little, too late, Tubby! There's
probably a joke in it somewhere, but I'm too lazy to look... and besides,
I already DID a GMS joke in this column! One must stay fresh and original
if they want to be a MEGASTAR like me!
Letters from the unwashed masses, page 9: Zachary Mark of Basehor, KS sez: "Tazz and Michael Cole are the true 'A' team!" Shit! Why was I not informed?! I'll believe it when Tazz starts wearing gold chains, drinking milk, and develops a strange fear of flying. As for Coleslaw, he can be that goofy fuck with the brown cap... no, not Ernest... whatshisname, oh yeah, Murdoch! Oh, whatever! This is clearly pushing the analogy way too far! Now leave me alone, 'cause Tazz's van is helluva fast!
More letters: Shamina Mohamed
of New York, NY writes: "I would like to know more about the Rock and Chyna
--- can you please have more articles on them in future RAW Magazines?"
HOLY SHIT, stop the presses!! Thank you very much, Shamina, 'cause I HIGHLY
doubt the WWF was going to do any more articles on The Rock! Lord knows
he isn't over in the least and doesn't draw money and fans at all! I mean,
he doesn't know 1000 holds! Who wants to read about HIM?! NOBODY! That
is, until YOU stepped in and convinced us otherwise! And as for CHYNA?!
A six page spread ladened with pics of a scantily clad Chyna?! Like the
typical teenage male reader wants to see THAT instead of a six page article
on how my pappy, Boris Malenko influenced my life and career!! But for
you, honey, we'll make an exception! Thank you again, Miss Mohamedali,
for single-handedly resuscitating the dying careers of these two fading
stars, and also for your insightful creative input! What a she-tool.
Page 13: "Federation ring announcer Lilian Garcia satisfied her need for speed recently when she attended the Richard Petty Driving Experience in Las Vegas. Lilian and her fellow racers attended classes for the better part of the day, learning how to properly drive the powerful racing machines. She then got behind the wheel, and ripped a few laps around the oval. It was, Lilian says, one of the best experiences of her life!"
You know what would be one of the best experiences of MY life?! If Miss Garcia had pulled a Dale Earnhardt during her little outing! Then we wouldn't have to put up with her half-assed announcing! She once announced me as "Dean Douglas" at a house show, and I've never forgiven her for it!
...Okay, I admit it, that Earnhardt crack was mean.
...I didn't say I was SORRY!
p.14-15: A music review?! Of RAMMSTEIN?!?! What is this so-called "HEAVY-METAL" garbage doing in the pages of a WRESTLING publication?! Anyway, I don't bother to read it 'cause I haven't cared about music reviews in WWF magazines since Oscar and Man Mountain Rock stopped doing them.
Next is an article on Triple H and how great he is and how he loves being a heel. Get well, GAME-UH, the WWF ain't the SAME-UH without ya! Even if you aren't as technically sound as me!
p.25: An article about six WWF Superstars reminscing about their fathers. The Superstars are Molly Holly, Tiger Ali Singh, Ivory, Mick Foley, and the Hardy Boyz. Guess which three are really Superstars! Anyway, Tiger Ali Singh has this to say about his dad, Tiger Jeet Singh: "My father's been a tremendous influence, not only on my career but on my personal life." I, for one, can identify with this statement. Like my father, Boris Malenko, Tiger Jeet Singh took the time to sit down with his budding offspring and teach him the fundamental lessons of life. Unlike my dad, however, Jeet apparently did not cover the part of the lesson plan that teaches you HOW NOT TO BE A CRAPPY WRESTLER!! HAHAHAHA!! Go back to Puerto Rico, you turbanned tool! Tiger Ali also sez he gets marriage advice from his parents, 'cause "they just celebrated their 31st wedding anniversary, so what better person to get advice from on having a successful marriage?" Well, shit, of COURSE they're gonna stay together that long! What choice does the poor lady have?! After all, isn't there some kind of law in the Middle East that women who divorce their husbands can be put to death or something?! Oh hell, I don't know... Everything I know about the Middle East I learned from watching "Not Without My Daughter." I mean, I DIDN'T WATCH "NOT WITHOUT MY DAUGHTER!!" I just saw part of it 'cause I was just flipping through the channels! My wife dragged me along when she went to see it!! SHUT UP!! Moving right along!
p.28: Enough about Tiger Ali Tool! Here's a page on some WWF wrestlers the fans would actually recognize: The Hardy Boyz! Sez Matt about his dad, Gilbert Hardy: "It's interesting how he gets a rub from the success that Jeff and I have had. When people find out who he is, they'll ask for his autograph as well." Wow! I'm sure all the teenyboppers out there are wetting their Winnie the Pooh underwear over the possibilities of an autograph of the HARDY BOYZ'...father. "Omigawd, Jenny, I SOOOO got Gilbert Hardy's autograph!" "GET OUT!!! Omigawd, Ashley, he is SUCH a hottie!!" You'll be the K3WLEST kid in school, struttin' around with Gilbert Hardy's John Hancock in your possession!
One more thing I couldn't help notice: Sweet Jesus! Even though Jeff has yet to get his pubes, he is STILL wearing one of those fruity transparent mesh shirts like he does now! I guess Jeff's "Gay Raver" look didn't just happen... it's been goin' on for years, ladies and gents! ("Hey, why are you spending so much time looking at bare-chested little boys?") SHUT UP
On the next page, there's a King of the Ring ad which I find truly disturbing! "My muscles ache. My mind is spent. My body is broken. Lead me to my throne." ...and there's a picture of an electric chair! Christ! Nothing inspires a potential customer to order a PPV like the message "Our employees hate their lives, are in constant agony, and wish for death to arrive so that they may mercifully end their miserable, torturous existences!" Well, I'M sold!
p.30-36: Pictures of Molly Holly wearing less than she does on TV. Thanks for the mammaries, Molly! WHACK MATERIAL~!
p.37-45: Part 1 of an article with Paul Heyman. Hmm... he looks familiar... oh yeah, he's the guy who gave me my start in American rings, and provided me with a chance to shine when no one else would! Jeez, there's a lot of words in this article...NEXT!
p.47: Merch! As in, merchandise! I bemoan the omission of the R2dicalz shirt. Most of the new WWF gear is represented here and---HOLY SHIT!!
Sweet merciful McGillicuddy. They should use this picture for a "Just Say No" poster. "If this scares you, stay the fuck off steroids!" It would sure beat the shit out of "Tobacco is WHACKO if you're a teen! And this ad is totally gay for all ages!" and hey, look at this:
THERE'S that GMS joke I was
p.48: Here begins an article on the gimmicks of Charles Wright, or Good Godpapa Kama Shango the Voodoo Pimpin' Machine! Sez Charles: "For some reason, women like to do what I say. And I have a way with women." Hmm, a 6'5" black guy... what could women POSSIBLY want from a guy like that?! (Hint: his seven foot long and as wide Louisiana blacksnake)
p.54: Thrills, Chills and Spills with Justin Credible! Sez the mag about the WWF style: "Psychology and storytelling are in demand for Federation matches; in ECW, matches were more about the action in the ring---spectacular, breath-taking and risky maneuvers." I didn't know Credible and those things went together... Let's use a scientific approach and find out THE TRUTH~! Folks, it's time for the CREDIBLE CHECKLIST!:
Does Justin Credible incorporate the following into his matches?:
Maneuvers that could be described as spectacular and/or breath-taking: No
Terrific, you're hired!
Justin leaves us with these thoughts (which he quotes directly from JR, so, um...they're not really his): "If you work hard and try to improve, you can accomplish anything." *sniff* That's beautiful, Justin! They should put THAT on a T-shirt! Screw "Not just the best, not just the coolest, etc." go with "If you work hard and try to improve, you can accomplish anything" as your catchphrase, Sonny Jim! It's money in the bank, I tells ya! Also it fits perfectly with that fruity Uncle Crackhead X-Factor music and that PRECIOUS pink lighting of yours!
Looking over this column,
I notice that I've been pretty mean to poor Justin! So I'll say something
nice about him here to compensate: Um... uh... Those are some snazzy denim
shorts, buddy! Keep up the good work! *cough* Moving right along...
NEWS FLASH: Big Show is less of a fatass than he used to be! I still hate him, however, 'cause he ate my pajamas last year at a hotel in Cincinnati! I'll remember not to leave them so close to the Twinkies next time! You big OAF!
We close with an article on the Federation pyrotechnics. I don't read it 'cause quite frankly, there is no room for such superfluous fireworks pageantry in our great sport!! But of course, the typical tofu-brained fan is all "HAHA STUFF GO BOOM ME LIKE HEE HEE" These are the same people who sit on their hands whenever I whip out a bow-and-arrow lock on some putz! Unbelievable.
That's all for this month, Malenkomaniacs! Feedback is always appreciated! If this feature didn't suck too much, and if I can find next month's issue in a timely fashion, I'll (hopefully) do another one.
- Peace Out,