THE DM RANT FOR RAW MAGAZINE
JESUS H. CHRIST: All right, all right, you TOOLS! Last month when I asked people to guess where I got the "Michael Jackson/Boogeyman" reference from, I was damn near INUNDATED with (three) emails from people who damn near DEMANDED their hypothetical bonus points that I offered upon reception of the correct answer! Well, PIPE DOWN, you abortions! To silence your cries of stupidity, I made this congratulatory drawing for you! Actually, I didn't feel like drawing it myself so I had Saturn do it. Click here to see it! ONLY CLICK IT if you got the answer right! If I find any CHEATERS looking at Saturn's special picture, IT'S CLOVERLEAF TIME!!!
I GET LETTERS: Ras Stephen (I don't think he knows how to configure his email client to display his name correctly) has a query for me this month!:
How many times and where have you wrestled Shinjiro Ohtani. I assume it couldn't be that many because I only heard of one.
I believe he was the man I defeated for my first WCW Cruiserweight title in May of 1996! Oh yes, now that I think about it, I believe I wrestled him once more in June of 1994, in Nagasaki, Japan! This is the infamous match where I cheat...yes, I admit it, CHEAT to obtain victory over Otani by blindfolding him with dental floss. Other than that, he's a great guy, that Otani! We used to good-naturedly rib him all the time! Me and my good friend Jushin Liger prank called his hotel room once! We told him we were Japanese policemen and that his wife had died in a car accident! Of course, it was only a joke! Liger and I had a good laugh from it! And ol' Shinny-O REALLY loved it! In fact, he laughed so hard that he CRIED! HA HA! Then he said something in Japanese, which Liger tells me translates to "Fuck the both of you and piss on your graves!" HA! He sure told US! That's why he's the BITCHMASTER~!
Anyway, enough of that happy horseshit! Here is my REVUE of the July 2001 issue of RAW Magazine! You cretins had better thank me for braving the cyber-molasses that is WWF.com for this picture! Oh, be sure to check out WWF.com's latest subsite, "CANNOT FIND SERVER - THE PAGE CANNOT BE DISPLAYED." It's a ROLLICKING GOOD TIME!! (goddamn Intra-ma-net!)
Without any further ado, let us kick off the The RAW Rag madness!
The lunacy begins on page 6 this time, with the infamous "Ross from Ringside!" In this one, Good Ol' JR presents to us some of the big questions on his little mind! Fortunately, your pal The Shooter has the answers to some of these questions!!
Q:"When will Grandmaster
Sexay dominate the WWF Light Heavyweight division?"
Q: "Is this the year that
Eddie Guerrero realizes his true--and unlimited--potential?"
Q: "Will X-Pac ever get on
another significant roll?"
Q: "Why hasn't everyone read
is Good: And Real Life is Faker than Wrestling?"
p.14-18 The horrible trend of MUSIC REVIEWS in a WRESTLING magazine continues! This month they review... NEUROTICA?! Who in the name of Dory Funk Jr. is NEUROTICA?!?! I've never heard them, but I'll give them the benefit of the doubt and say they suck! NEXT!!
P.S. I just went back and
actually bothered to read this article! "Given their quasi-retro sound,
it's a small wonder one of Neurotica's first breaks came via a classic
'70s star: AC/DC's Brian Johnson." Uh, I hate to break this to ya, but
Brian Johnson didn't join AC/DC till 1980. Way to check your facts, tools!
This sort of grievous error really disturbs me, as Brian Johnson is, in
fact, a good friend of mine! We go WAYYYY back! Back in 1980, when our
respective careers in music and wrestling were still young (and I don't
mean Angus or Malcolm!), I was in a bar with Mr. Johnson and I distinctly
remember saying to him, "You know, Brian, you should record a song about
your recently deceased cohort, Bon Scott, and call it 'Back in Black!'"
The rest, as they say, is history! (I'm STILL waiting for my royalty checks,
you Scottish slobs!) Anyway, me and Brian serve as role models for those
who constantly sound like they have laryngitis! It is people such as us
who have proven that our raspy voiced brethren can and do succeed in life!
Keep reaching for the stars, brothers and sisters! And stay off the cigarettes,
that'll only make it worse!
Oh, C'MON, what's wrong with that caption?! It's all a JOKE, innit?! Tools!
p.20: "Brawn with Brains: Powerful Between the Ropes? These Superstars are Even More Impressive Between the Ears" This here is an article on how WICKED SCHMART the WWF Superstars are! Take Albert, for example: "Albert graduated from the University of Pittsburgh with a degree in special education and a minor in sign language." SPECIAL EDUCATION!? On my list of "People I Wouldn't Trust In a Room Full of Retards," Albert is pretty damn close to the top! (#1 is Dabney Coleman, followed by Scott Baio, Robbie Knievel, and CRZ) Oh, and what's the sign language translation for "YAAAAHHHH"??
Triple H tells us "If you're an idiot, you're not going to make it in this business." Here is my rebuttal:
"As the minutes ticked away on the Rock's attention grabbing turn hosting Saturday Night Live, besides the applause and the positive reviews being typed by TV critics across the country, there was another sound coming from the studio--the sound of GLASS CEILINGS being shattered." BAH HUMBUG, I say!! Anyone with two functioning brain cells knows that the GLASS CEILING and its reign of terror on the undersized, technical wizards are still going strong in all their clear, glasstastic glory! If the glass ceiling were REALLY shattered, me or CHRIS BENOIT~! would have hosted that show instead of that no-talent Rock! We would have made GREAT Roxbury Guys! Hell, we could have even done Wayne's World! But NOOOOO, once again Triple H (it's ALWAYS his fault, you see) and his protruding proboscis once again held us back and kept us mired in the midcard so he and the Rock could catapult to TV superstardom! Side Note: EVERYONE knows Triple H is also to blame for BENOIT'S~! neck injury! If you put the tape in slow motion, you can see a mysterious big-nosed figure carrying a sledgehammer dash into the match after Benoit hits the superplex and WHAMMO---right in his neck, or lack thereof! He's FAKING the whole "torn quadricep" thing, I tells ya! I saw him playing Putt Putt Golf at Nutty Norman's Fun Palace last Wednesday (I know, I know...what can I say, Saturn wanted to go...), and he sure as shit looked okay to me!! He got the ball through the giant windmill without a hitch! He's LYING!! LIAR! LIAR!!!
Anyway, GLASS CEILING!!!
BOO HISS! (Note: If you don't see the aforementioned mysterious figure
on your tape, your VCR is probably broken! Or maybe it just sucks! Some
of us, as world famous WWF Superstars, can afford top of the line video
p.28: LONG-ASS, IMMENSELY DULL article about Lita's Adventures in Britain! Really folks, this article is only here to cater to two of the WWF's target demographics: the "Horny Teenage Males" and "Prepubescent Teen Girl!" Simply put, I grow more hair on my face in a day than these people do on their crotches in a year's time! But they buy magazines, so what can you do?! Anyway, I am none of those demographics (well, except "male" and "horny") so... NEXT!!!
There's a merchandise catalog embedded in this thing about halfway through! In it, the Hardy Boyz demonstrate how to get your ass kicked and lose your lunch money at school:
Coming soon: Hardy Boyz brand underwear with Super Elastic waistband for quick and easy wedgie distribution! Here's some Hardy advice: Next time those bullies push you around on the playground, Junior, just climb up the monkey bars and do a SWANTON BOMB on 'em, that'll teach them! HAHAHA!!! Screaming "AHHHHH" with a Gump-esque Southern accent is optional if you wish to invoke further terror in the hearts of your enemies!!
WHOA, as you come out of
the merch catalog, you run smack dab into a HUGE picture of Lita's crotch!
Well, only because it's part of a centerfold, but hey! I'll take it! They
really know how to sell this thing, don't they?! Lita's Crotch = RATINGS
p.36: Here's the second part of the interview with Paul E. Dangerously! Check it out, tools, I SO have a picture in this article! Here is me using the Tejas Cloverleaf to make Funaki my BIOTCH!
That's my "intense" face, by the way! And HEY LOOK, Paul Heyman has nice things to say about me!! You probably don't believe me, so I'll scan his good words for all of you to see:
Now while every bit of that
is true, and I certainly don't disagree, how come he Paul E. had so LITTLE
to say about me compared to the other WWF Superstars?! Everyone else got
a whole paragraph! Even Lita got more than I did, and she's just a high-flying
whirlwind of red hair and boobies! What'sa matter, you couldn't spare more
than THREE WORDS on me, you ponytailed prick?! After ALL I did for your
little Extreme federation, too! Well, guess what, Ace?! I left your crappy
wrestling association for greener pastures, and a mere 6 years later did
your nickel-and-dime promotion FOLD like a cheap umbrella in a hurricane!!
HAHAHAHA!! Sweet, sweet POETIC JUSTICE! Oh, and...uh, thanks for giving
me my start in American rings and helping me jump to superstardom in America.
p.46: The Obligatory Article on a Random Midcard Wrestler for this month is on Test. They don't mention that he was (allegedly) a bodyguard for Motley Crue! (Or maybe they do, I just didn't feel like reading about Test, quite frankly!) Anyway, no Motley Crue in this article means that it is not worth my time! "He'stheonetheycall Dr. SHOO-TER...he'stheonethatknowsa 1000-HOLDS..." Former Crue drummer Tommy Lee and I go way back too! I remember one night where we were sharing a bottle of Jack, and I said to him, "Hey Tom, your wife is one hot piece of ass! Tonight, you should nail her and get it on video! Wouldn't that be a GROOVY idea??" and he said "Fuck, dude, that'd be fuckin' awesome!" The rest, as they say, is history! Of course, he was drunk and coked up at the time, so he then had a violent mood swing, went apeshit with apopleptic rage and tried to carve my face with a broken beer bottle! I easily fended him off, however, and put him in an ARM-BAR until he passed out! Ha ha! What fun times!
Oh yeah, Test. Screw Test!
p.50: Tough Enough "article." Actually, "glorified advertisement for Tough Enough" would be a better label! How much you wanna bet the winners on this show get 3 weeks of TV time, until they are demoted to OVW for "seasoning," and are then quietly released after 6 months?! I don't see any future Dean Malenkos in the bunch, quite frankly! I mean, do you REALLY think someone like Bobbie Jo has the mental capacity to memorize 1000 holds?! I didn't think so! Anyway, this article sucks, so...NEXT!!!
p.54: Article on the ECW castaways Rhyno and Spike Dudley. Here's an inspirational quote from Raven: "If you're not working at top shelf every night, then someone's going to take your spot." Because you see folks, whenever Raven contemplates the ramifications of losing his precious spot on Jakked, it lights a fire under his ass and challenges him to perform at a higher level!! ("What was that about appearing on Jakked, Dean?") SHUT UP
Oh MAN, dig this quote from the Man Buffoon, Rhyno: "I haven't told anyone this, but I was the greatest ECW Heavyweight Champion of all time." Ahem. Excuse me for just a moment, would you??
SUUUUUUUUUUUURE you were, Skippy! And my ass is painted purple! HAHAHAHA, what a tool! I tell you what, he's DAMN lucky he hadn't told anyone that little nugget of information! 'Cause if he had told ME, I'd have slapped the ugly off his face! HAHAHAHA "greatest ECW champion of all time" Go back to filming your stupid "standing-three-inches-from-the-camera" promos, half of which is heavy breathing and the other half is bleeped! You TOOL!
"Greatest ECW champion of
all time..." Bah. We ALL know that honor goes to Justin Credible. *snicker,
p.60: We close this month with the Obligatory Article on the Backstage Crew so they feel as if someone out there actually cares about them. This month the lighting crew is in the spotlight (HA!! Get it?! I am funny) I'm sure you're on the edge of your seat, but I feel it would be a disservice to myself and to you if I were to spoil the thrill-a-minute madness that IS the WWF Lighting Crew! So if you want to read about the mania and decadence behind the lighting guys, you'll just have to plunk down $3.99 for this rag like I did!
That's all for this month! Gotta motor, but I'll see you in 30... Same Malenko Time, Same Malenko Channel!!
"The Shooter" Dean Malenko
"Man of 1000 Holds," multiple titleholder in WCW, ECW, and WWF, accomplished wrestling technician, and EZBoard resident