Why the InVasion is a Big Pile of Suck!
"HOLA, AMIGOS!!! Dees
morfeen is da SHEEIT, mang! Why, I like-a da morfeen so motch dat I could...
butter... soap... CHICKEN WINGS!! Adios, hombres!! [passes out]"
HELLO AGAIN, MALENKOMANIACS!!! Well, as many of you have noticed, I have not put pen to paper (or rather, fingers to keyboard) in quite some time! I am dreadfully sorry to deny all of my faithful fans my thought-provoking prose for so long, but that durn-blasted thing we call "Fall" has begun anew for this year, so that means the Shooter's life is going to once again become very busy! So if you're expecting a RAW Magazine Review for this month, yer screwed 'cos I ain't got the time to do one! Hell, you people are lucky you're getting THIS, so sit down, shut up, and like it! If you don't, I have another special something you'll be getting! What is it, you ask? Here is Alex Trebek to tell you more! ("This is the most feared maneuver in all of wrestling!") What is the Texas Cloverleaf, Alex?! ("Correct! Here's Johnny to tell you what you've won!") Ah, fuck Johnny! He can keep his stupid Rice-a-Roni, the San Fransisco Treat! This is my time now! Also, I put a quote at the top of this column 'cause it seems like that is the K3WL thing to do on Internet wrestling columns these days! Who am I to fight a trend?! Anyway...
Also, as you know on September 11, the U.S. was attacked by Afghanistanian (Afghanistanian?) terrorists. So quite frankly, I didn't feel my typical zany wackiness was appropriate during such a time. But being a true red-white-n'-blue blooded American, I refuse to let those bastards instill a sense of fear in me! No, as my pappy Boris Malenko once said to me as a lad, "Oh Lord, I pray you give me strength to carry on, 'cause I know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dreams!" Wait, that wasn't Dad, that was Whitesnake! But nevertheless! Truer words were never spoken, and carry on is exactly what I'm going to do! Carry on the madness, the laughter, and the acerbic wit for all of you TOOLS! And honestly, I hope all of you are well, as much as you can be, given the circumstances.
So as you may have noticed, I recently announced my retirement from a full-time wrestling schedule, my last match thus far witnessing Saturn and I score a tag team victory over Raven and Justin Credible! Even though I was stuck battling washed-up garbage wrestlers, this momentous occasion sparked a buttload of discussion on wrestling message boards all across the Internet! One "ST0NEC0LDJ0EYDX69" was heard to remark "hey d00d did u here that fuken faget deen malencko retired - im glad he did becuase he was teh crappest wresler ever!!!!!!11" Ah, my public! How they love me! ("Faget" is net lingo for "tremendous technical wrestler," right?)
I have since moved on to become a trainer for the WWF's minor league farm federations and a road agent on the side! As I have stated in the past, I've never had a problem with wannabe Shooters stepping into the ring and basking in my worldly glow! So yeah, training is going very well, thanks for asking, although I have yet to witness any future Malenkos in the bunch! ("And thank God for that!") Hey, F-you! But anyway, my stint as a trainer thus far has been very successful! I was selected as "Employee of the Month" after I instituted a new warm-up exercise for the students called "Beat the Hell Out of Tiger Ali Singh!" In this exercise, we beat the hell out of Tiger Ali Singh! OH, like anyone watching the WWF right now is going to miss him! Towelhead bastard! Where is bin Laden hiding?!? WE HAVE WAYS OF MAKING YOU TALK!! It really gets your blood pumpin', you know?! Besides, it sure works a helluva lot faster than pantywaist squat thrusts!
As for my dabbling in the field of road agentry: lemme tell ya... people think it's easy, but it's not! Indeed, booking Tommy Dreamer vs. Funaki in the high school gym of West Testicle, Montana SOUNDS glamorous, but it is a difficult job! I mean, do you people have ANY idea what it's like to attempt to give directions to Essa Rios?!
Señor Malenko! ¿Donde esta el Compaq Center?"
And let's not even MENTION the other R4dicalz constantly bitching about the way I drive! "Dean, that's the same post office we passed an hour ago! Pull over and let me drive!" "Duhhh, I have to go to the tinkle dinkle ha ha room!" "Saturn, there's a gas station a few miles from here, just HOLD IT for a few minutes, F'Pete's sake!" Blah blah blah and so on! Ugh! I'm almost glad to be out of the business...
For you see, as you may have inferred from the title of this article, I am less than happy with the current state of affairs in the WWF today! No, really! Remember back in the dog days of summer when the InVasion was still fresh in our minds? Every Joe Sixpack and Bob MindlessSheepWhoLacksTheMentalCapacityToAppreciateGoodWrestling was speculating on the momentous implications of the interpromotional merger! I mean, just imagine the angles, matches, and overall quality TV that would ensue from this once-in-a-lifetime event! And what do we get? Absolute CA-CA, in my opinion! Oh WOW, be sure to tune into Jakked tonight for that ultra-rare opportunity to witness the dream match of Billy Gunn vs. Mark Jindrak!
Frankly, the whole situation has been mismanaged right from the very beginning! And through my all-knowing, 100% unbiased perspective of the business, I have managed to dope out some solutions that I guarantee will SAVE this lousy angle! Also along the way you will be treated to some of my very own...how do you say, "fantasy booking" for this InVasion! After all, *I'm* on the Internet! Therefore, I'm smarter than the WWF writers! Even though they have been professionally trained for years in the art of television writing, I have a 33.6K U.S. Robotics modem that I got at K-Mart for $9.95, so that makes me better! And don't argue otherwise! Let's get one thing straight here, tools: The InVasion sucks because *I* don't like it!! Everyone else JUST DOESN'T MATTER! (I gave the Rock the idea for this catchphrase in a bar in St. Louis five years ago and he has yet to properly acknowledge this fact on national television! OR send me the appropriate royalty fees!)
Now back to the issue at hand! One thing that I feel would improve the InVasion would be to start pushing some of the fresh, underutilized talent! It is time to tell washed up has-beens like Stone Cold Steve Austin and Triple H to STEP ASIDE and let world famous superduperstars like Chuck Palumbo shine through! I mean, why hasn't a guy like Hugh Morrus gotten his shot yet?! At LEAST 3% of the audience recognizes him! I'm tellin' ya, with that kind of renown, he's championship material! Give that slightly-thinner-Chris Farley-lookin' mudda-effa the World Title belt and watching the ratings fly straight through the frickin' roof! I guaran-damn-tee (another phrase the Rock stole from me) that Morrusmania will soon be running wild!
But these talented megastars won't get that coveted push anytime soon! Ya know why?! 'Cause the stars at the top like The Reich... I mean, the ROCK and Hunter Hearst HOGAN (<--- that was a joke! and a funny one at that!) are using their backstage pull to hold back the stars of tomorrow today! I say let's make all these stupid jerks who have given their blood, sweat and tears for years to earn their spot in the company regret they ever put any effort into this business! I mean, is it THAT implausible to say to ol' Stone Cold, "Hey Steve! Although you busted your ass for, as you say, 'eight long f'n years' to reach your amazing level of success, we have a slight change in your TV schedule this week! Even though he has been off TV for six months and no one cares about him, we're gonna give Mark Jindrak your allotted TV time!" Listen, folks... I KNOW Steve Austin! Aside from the middle fingers, swearing, and drunkenness he's really a nice guy! He'd be cool with it! I suggest this very idea to him all the time, and his answer is always the same: "Will you PISS OFF, Dean?! What?! AH SAID, piss off already before I push you in front of an oncoming train!" HA! Wotta kidder!
To elaborate, if Vince wishes to bump the ratings back up to their former state of glory, the solution is obvious: Make all your well-known, talented, established superstars into bitches for heatless undercard guys who 98.7% of the audience doesn't recognize! Take the successful company you worked 20 years to build and slowly destroy it from the inside! I know it sounds crazy, Vince, but I'm tellin' ya, it's FOOLPROOF! It'll all work out in the end, you'll see! And then when my plan has unfolded and is BRINGIN' DA RATINGZ, perhaps maybe then we can negotiate a little raise for the Shooter? Whaddaya say?! Hey! Vince!! ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME, VINCE?!?! VINCE?! Actually, I am not sure that Vince McMahon even knows who I am outside of "that short, balding guy who sounds like he gargles nails every morning who came in that four-pack we hired in early 2000 just to piss off Eric Bischoff!"
And furthermore, when the rare opportunity comes along for a WCW star to get some coveted TV time, what happens? He gets treated like a complete tool! Seriously folks, have you SEEN some of these lame gimmicks they hand to these poor slobs!? For example, how many times have I had this conversation with Hurricane Helms?!:
You know, Deano, this superhero gimmick is a load of horse dooky! How I
hate getting over with the fans, being on national television every week,
and making a six-figure income! [rests his head on his palm, a single tear
runs down his cheek]"
Countless times, dear reader!
(ESPECIALLY the hugs!) These men (and women too, I guess... who cares about
the women?!) have worked too hard for too long to have jokes made of their
careers! It's despicable!
But far be it from me to sit back and idly complain about the state of affairs in the WWF! So recently, I took the time to sit back and study over 300 hours of World Wrestling Federation programming from the past year (I fast forwarded through most of it because it was crap)! And after hours of intense scrutiny and scientific analysis, I have deduced a reason for the sudden lack of interest in the WWF product! I have arranged the results very scientifically in this timeline:
March - August 2001:
We have just purchased our competitors, WCW! The ratings are booming! Morale
is high! Everything's comin' up roses!
There you have it, tools! Cold, hard empirical data! Yes, your pal, the Shooter has noticed a direct correlation between my disappearance from WWF TV and the declining ratings! Coincidence? No! Now while I hated to desert my company in this time of need, the time had come for me to hang up the tights! Quite frankly, I had nothing left to accomplish in the ring! I mean, after the Light Heavyweight title, everything else is a step down!
BUT, if the WWF asked me very nicely, I would certainly reinstate my active career and return to television in order to SAVE, SAVE, SAVE this dying angle! If anyone can do it, it's me! Now I will flex my "fantasy booking" muscles and demonstrate to you unwashed masses how I would handle things...!
Now, if we really want to make the Alliance members into credible threats, why not have ME jump to the Alliance and become their leader? People are always bitching about how the Alliance does not have enough star power; well, here you go! My name has money written all over it! In fact, it is a little known fact that "Malenko" is, in fact, German for "money!" (I don't care if you majored in German...you're wrong! Do not argue otherwise!) Just imagine me as the Alliance spokesman, coming out and laying down some verbal smack on loser WWF guys like the Undertaker!
Me: "Hey, Taker! Quite
frankly, your wrestling ability leaves a lot to be desired! [crowd pops
like a blood vessel in Ken Shamrock's head]"
"All well and good, Dean," you may be saying, "but your talents within the ring are far too great for you to be wasted as a mere mouthpiece!" And to that I say, "You're damn skippy!" So here is a way to work me back into the wrestling storylines, and allow me to wrestle a final match that doesn't involve (ugh) Justin Credible! Let's assume, hypothetically, that through some cruel twist of fate "Stone Cold" Steve Austin were to injure himself just before he was scheduled to wrestle the Rock in the main event of Wrestlemania X-8! Say someone were to back over his foot in their rented Sedan at the next house show, for example! Yeah... heh heh...That should keep him out long enough so that he couldn't make Wrestlemania! *ahem, cough* What? Why are you looking at me like that?!
Anyway, long story short: Austin is unable to compete in the main event. Desparate to see the Rock get beaten at Wrestlemania, Austin scours the Alliance for a possible replacement. But he does not choose such has-been tools as Rob Van Dam and Booker T! After hours of deliberation, Steve Austin finally recognizes who can get the job done at 'Mania: ME! "The Shooter" Dean Malenko! In the minutes leading up to the match, Austin decides to motivate me with one of his now famous pep talks: "Remember, Deano, this is the Wrestlemania main event! Make it count! What?! I said MAKE IT COUNT!! You know what this watch is sayin', Shooter?! It's sayin' 'It's time for Dean Malenko to carry on Stone Cold's legacy!' Dean, this is the final---" "ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT already, Jeezis! You don't need to get all sentimental on me! I'm gonna go out there and make Rocky FAMOUS!! [pause] By the way, your shaved head makes you look like a giant penis. [Austin self-consciously rubs his head]"
And in the following minutes, all the world would witness the instant classic Wrestlemania X-8 main event of The Rock vs. "The Shooter" Dean Malenko! Here is how the match would play out:
After about, let's say, 30 minutes of me dominating the Rock with my amazing technical skill, the Rock would, on a fluke, begin to mount a comeback (but only because I let him)! I am dazed by the Rock's offensive onslaught! I stumble around aimlessly, but OH NO the Rock is poised and waiting! He's measuring me... nononoROCK BOTTOM!!! Cover, one---KICKOUT!!! I immediately stand up and glare at the Rock with my ice cold stare! The crowd is going wild! The Rock is baffled, but he sucks it up and manages to hit the spinebuster! Off comes the elbow pad, one side, other side, WHAM-O~! PEOPLE'S ELBOW!!! Gotta be over now! Cover, one---KICKOUT BY GOD!!!!! The crowd heat is off the charts! I pop right back up again and begin hulking up! The Rock throws some more of his girly punches, culminating in his oh-so-brutal "spit in my hand" punch, but it is to no avail! The Rock holds his hand in pain from throwing these punches at the rock-solid Shooter and bugs his eyes out as if to say, "Golly! This certainly doesn't happen very often!" (Speaking of the spit punch, what exactly is in Rocky's saliva that makes it so devastating? If you bathed in the Rock's saliva, would you NEVER DIE? He should sell little jars of his spit at the shows, there's money to be made off this, I tell ya!) Anyway, I continue hulking up and wave my finger at the Rock: "Your wussy offense isn't going to affect a real man like me!" The crowd is climbing the walls! I whip Rocky into the ropes---BIG BOOT!! (assuming I can get my leg up that high!) Rocky is dazed... he stumbles to his feet, right into a TIGERBOMB! As the Rock's prone body lies semiconscious on the mat, I look out into the thousands upon thousands who have gathered solely to witness this moment! I begin to grapevine Rocky's legs! The crowd can smell what the Shooter is cooking! Rocky's legs are locked and I struggle to turn him over! The crowd is going batshit! Rock is fighting it...fighting it...FIGHTING IT! BUT TO NO AVAIL!! I TURN HIM OVER AND LOCK IN THE MOST ELECTRIFYING HOLD IN WRESTLING: THE TEXAS CLOVERLEAF~!~!~! Rock is screaming in pain! He's reaching for the ropes BY GOD but they're a million miles away! With us smack dab in the middle of the ring, Rocky has nowhere to go! Rocky screams in pain one last time and begins furiously tapping the mat as the crowd ERUPTS!!! Howard Finkel announces the glorious truth: "Here is your winner, and NEWWWWWW World Wrestling Federation Champion... 'The Shooter' Dean Malenko!'" Ah, it's like music to my ears! Say it loud and there's music playing, say it soft and it's just like praying!
(Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, the Rock had won the WWF World Championship somehow in the weeks preceding Wrestlemania, which means I that I won it in this match! I then retire as champion, the perfect storybook ending to my 21 year career!)
And there you have it, folks: The InVasion, MALENKO STYLE! Vince Russo has NOTHING on me! What could be better?! So in conclusion: I'm right, you're wrong, and when the wrestling boom begins its resurgence you'll have ME to thank, tools!
One last thing before I jet: check out the recruitment poster I designed for the nation's Armed Forces! They have yet to write me back about printing these up and posting them all over the country, but I am confident my idea will come to fruition! People will take one look at this poster, slap themselves in the cheek and say "WOW! Where do I sign up?!" Just doing my part to help out this great nation! With support like this, we can't lose! And speaking of support, thank YOU for your support, Malenkomaniac! SEE YOU NEXT TIME!!!