FOREWORD by "The Shooter" Dean Malenko:
HELLOOOOOO Malenkomaniacs! So I was watching reruns of "Full House" in my underwear yesterday, and I thought to myself "Gee Whiz! Why am I sitting here basking in the comedic stylings of Dave Coulier when I could be writing yet another of my literary masterpieces for my legions of fans?!" But then another thought struck me: "Hey wait, I'm way too busy doing very important things like basking in the comedic stylings of Dave Coulier to write another literary masterpiece for my legions of fans!" So I will write another column as soon as this 67 and a half hour "Full House" marathon is over! Yes, I am getting some time to myself soon so I'll try to get SOME stuff out for you people during my time off. It's true, your pal the Shooter has more ideas for columns floating around in his brain, so expect to see some of those eventually. Writing is my Anti-Drug! And besides, I am much more talented than that pencil neck geek Brandon and his childish scribblings and godawful Aphex Twin music!!
However, you may be saying "Deano! You said you didn't have the time to write a column right now! So what do you call THIS?! [pointing to computer monitor]" Well, first of all, SHUT UP and second of all, I thought you TOOLS deserved better than to be deprived of my tales of wonderment! Then I remembered! Gran Naniwa, the world's most famous wrestling crab and one of my old colleagues from Japan, still owed me a favor from that time I lent my jumper cables to him so he could start up his Mitsubishi! You know, I TOLD him he didn't need to have his headlights on during the day, but you see, he is one of those people (read: "tools") who thinks driving with their lights on in broad daylight helps "improve their vision!" Yeah, whatever! I just want you headlight-obsessed people to know that you look like complete jackasses!
So anyway, I gave Naniwa a call to see if he was up for the task! The telephone conversation went as follows:
Naniwa's Answering Machine:
Honorable Naniwa-san is not presently in current domicile of living right
now, so please to leave your name, number and brief message at the venerable
sounding of beep sound, and I, the honorable crab will respond with response
to your message! ICHIBAN! [beep]"
As you can probably tell, Naniwa is still working on his English! But don't let his lack of mastery of the language fool you, he's quite the verbal artist! So without further ado, ladies (ha, like any ladies come here!) and gentlemen, I give you: GRAN NANIWA~!
Konnichiwa! Japan wrestler Gran Naniwa I am! Translation to American, Gran Naniwa Japanese is for "Grand Crab!" Which is what am I! Very! Firsthand, I like to state that American wrestling is putrid garbage! Have I that right? My English perfect is not yet! I am trying to say my point across that American wrestling is utter trash! That only mindless retard person would be entertained by crap it is! Am I good with statement now? Good! Happy! HAI!
I am allowed to introduce myself! To all readers American! Now! My name is Gran Naniwa is my name! I am superb wrestler Japan! Gimmick mine is that I am GIANT CRAB! Fight for TRUTH! And CRABS!! And JUSTICE!!! I am wear my heroic crab mask when do battle I do in the ring against wrestlers other! Sexy am I also! Obvious you can see that as from my picture up above!
Since because honorable Dean-san is not have enough time to write column for all you dumb dogs, he request from me that I write guest column for him for great big American site, "WrestlingSlashWrestleCRZ.com! .org! .net! Hai! He tell me site is run by, I quote, "dirty hippie" Christian Robert Zipperman-san! I know not who he is, but anyways!
So you are probably wonder what point of this column is! Now I tell you that I am dish out BIG WRESTLING NEWS to you dumb Americans! Like fat, overfed white devils Dave Seltzer and Scott Teeth and Rick Scarface, I tell you details all of inner working of wrestling business! You are no doubt wishful for new news regarding your American garbage wrestle! Well, your incessant whining now you must stop! I am master of news now, so you bow down to me and take to what I give to you, be it either American trash or superior Japan news! So to appease for you apple pie eating idiots, I tell you news of wrestling! Now! News!
BIG FLASH NEWS! OF BIG
!!! GRAN NANIWA-SAN (ME) IS TEAM TAG WITH "PEOPLE CHAMPION OF PEOPLE BRAHMA BULL" ROCK THE !!!
No, devils, I did not stutter! None other than your precious "Rock The" and myself are forming great tag team to dominate tag teaming ranks! DOMINATE!!!! And this team is existing for the purpose of win WWF Team Tagging Title Champion Belts from big fat USA slugs like Dudley Slobz, and Undertake and Kane! However, this rumor is not confirm yet, as negotiations between WWF and myself are still ongoing! Phone conversation transcript of such negotiations between Rock The and myself are as follows:
Me: Hello, Rock The!
Your body, so muscular! Your moves, so graceful! You are icon of studliness!
PLEASE TO TEAM WITH ME!!
So see as you can that negotiatings
are proceeding very slowly but surely! In due time honorable Rock-san will
come around and realize our teaming of tag was meant to be!
!!! HONORABLE GREAT SASUKE IS MOVIE DIRECT STARRING ROLE !!!
See as you can from photograph picture, honorable Japanese wrestle superstar THE GREAT SASUKE is direct and star in his own film feature! This film feature is to be tentatively titled "The Big Adventure of Sasuke in Land of Zombies and Dragons and Many Explosions of Fun!" Previews for this honorable film do show many action and car chases and dances in discotheques! And spoil it for you I do not want to do, but there is big climax scene where Sasuke does battle a five headed wooly mammoth that breathes fire and bubble gum! And Japanese movie critics such as Horiguchi Ebert do give it rave reviews such as "Is FIVE-STAR EXTRAVAGANZA feel good movie of year!" So obviously this does promise to be a smash of the boxing office!
But if you are one of those sensitive wimp people who do enjoy the---how do you say?--- "chick flicks," there are also many great scenes of romance for you to cry your eyes out to! And dab with Kleenex! Here is line from such romantical scene of romance:
Suzuki O'Hara: Oh,
Sasuke-san! Please to not leave me behind! Love you I do so much!
HAHAHA! BURNED! So as you are can see, very much romance was included in this film! This is because Sasuke is actor tremendous, and this is not only film he has starred in! Here click for Sasuke's previous filmography! I did watch this movie, and I enjoy it very muchly! Is very HOT and STEAMY! ...No, I did not watch for the self-pleasure! Only reason for my watching is to screen it for honorable wife, in case action got too hot 'n heavy for her pure female eyes! WHAT ARE YOU INSINUATING?! I do so have wife! She is very pretty and we do make the nookie together very often! WHATEVER! Moving along to next item of news...
!!! HULK HOGAN IS BIG DUMB ORANGE AMERICAN DEVIL! IS! !!!
HAHAHAHAHA JOKE IS ON YOU!!!!! Headline this is in actuality not really, but instead rather a clever rib towards you dumb hogs who believe that "TRAIN, SAY YOUR PRAYERS, AND SHOOT UP THE MUCH STEROIDS" is key to all success in life! Hulk Hollywood Orange Goblin is a big piece of yucky trash! HA! Now it does seem as if the tables have been turned upon you! Naniwa 1, White Devils 0!!
!!! POSE FOR HONORABLE PLAYGIRL MAGAZINE IS SUPER DELFIN !!!
Although all American periodicals are mindless trash for mindless people (LIKE YOU!!!!!), Japan wrestler and good friend of mine Super Delfin has accept an offer to pose for honorable Playgirl Magazine! This is because he is very sextacular, or as you female swine like to say "is a big stud muffin!" There is no doubtfulness in my crab mind that this issue will sell like the hotcakes with much heat! Because women do love the sea creature men, AS I COULD TELL YOU!!! LOL!! <--- I did learn that "net acronym" in chat room of "M4M Uncles with Nephews!" I know not what that means! So anyway, as you can seeing, I have managed to get my claws on a sneak peek of Delfin's Playgirl photo spread! Also as you can seeing, it is very much a turn-on for everybody who views it! I did feel the need to censor it though, as you are not allowed to see the little Delfin for free, you cheap swine! Also I am told by Shooter-san that SlashingForTheMuchWrestling.com is family-oriented website, so very sorry, no Delfin Dong for you, no matter how great and perfect it may be!
In fact, if a woman was I, then very much sexing I would like to have with honorable Delfin! What's that say you?... UP SHUT YOUR FACE!! Homogaysexual I am not, saying I am merely that if I was female, intercoursing with Delfin would be very enjoyable! Delfin attractive he is in a very rugged, masculine way! Platonic only, nothing mean by comment, so SHUT UP!!!! We very change subject! See that I can this is a HOT BUTTON ISSUE with you white devils!!
SHUT UP! UP! SHUT YOU UP!!!
!!! KAIENTAI DOES HAVE THE LAUGH THAT OCCURS LAST ON YOU, DEVILS !!!
Now everywhere the Naniwa does read wrestle articles on the World Interwide Net Website, I are read the writings of Japanese wrestling elitists (how I hate those!)! and they speak suchly: "Kaientai (who you marks may recall to be TAKA Michinoku and Sho Funaki) are not get big push of heroism in the Wrestling World Federation! I am in very great distress because relegated they do get to the B-level shows such as Jakked and HeAT! Honorable TAKA and Funaki do not get to display their true talents, they are instead stuck losing to everybody under the sun! They should very much go back to Japan indy fed Michinoku Pro and wrestle the better matches there! THAT IS WHAT I BELIEVE!!" Well, I believe that you are STUPID!!! HAHAHA!! For you see, TAKA and Funaki come to your miserable country for only one reason and one reason only: TO MAKE THE CASH MONEY! And while you tubby trashcans are sit on computer and whine incessantly on the World WebNet, TAKA and Funaki do bring home the much yen! Of great amounts! So keep on sounding the WHINE SIREN, devils! HAHAHA! Great nation of Japan always does win in the end!
And while I am still conversing
on this subject of honorable TAKA-san, what is meaning of this picture
photo, Mr. Marenko!?!?!: What is?!:
That is all of news for this
month! How did you stupid, drooling hogs like honorable column by Naniwa?!
If feedback you do have, then e-mail
me care of Mr. Marenko-san! Both us will appreciated feedback from
you! As he like to say, "Flappy trap makes happy Jap!" I know not what
that means! But I do know what this means: If you are emailing the letters
to Naniwa-san and Malenko-san, then great happiness will become of me!
SMILES!! Thank of you, dirty American pigs! ICHIBAN~! (which does mean
"number one" in Japan language if you are too stupid to figure it out!)
"The Shooter" Dean Malenko
and Gran Naniwa