The following is NOT an actual petition, but it is an incredible
We, the undersigned, have it on good authority that your company (WWFE, Inc.) is considering the gainful employ of wrestlers Kevin Nash, Scott Hall, and Hulk Hogan. We are sending you this petition to bring to your attention several facts that you should be made aware of, before you decide whether or not to hire the aforementioned wrestlers, as well as several other important matters, as we see them:
1. They (Hogan, Hall & Nash) have not drawn significant amounts of money for ANY wrestling company for several years, either individually or collectively.
2. They are all well known backstage political manipulators, and will take every opportunity to bilk your company for all the money they can get out of you.
3. They will not willingly put over younger talent, and when asked to do so, will only work as much as necessary to avoid disciplinary action.
4. As evidenced by past experience, they will no doubt only agree within themselves to have good matches with each other, thus falsely elevating their apparent workrate status and fan base appeal.
5. Upon initial (re)entry into the WWF, they will appear to garner huge favorable crowd reactions. This will seem like a good sign, but be reminded that almost every returning wrestler will get a positive reaction due to their extended absence making the average fan remember the wrestler's "good" performances, regardless of the number of "bad" performances that may outweigh them.
6. They should only be considered an option if the WWF is in knowledge of information that they are in danger of being usurped by a rival promotion. We currently know of no such imminent threat to the mantle the WWF holds at present.
7. Their previous employment experience in rival companies should NOT be overlooked by the WWF, regardless of the fact that you own said company as it is, and the aforementioned wrestlers substandard work ethic can clearly be evidenced by their extensive tape library, which no doubt is also well within your possession and subsequent review.
8. This cannot be stressed enough: DO NOT GIVE ANY OF THEM THE WORLD TITLE!
9. There is no current evidence we have to suggest that you would consider such desperate means, but we would also like to take this opportunity to advise you against future consideration of the hiring of either Eric Bischoff, or Vince Russo for booking positions, for reasons that are no doubt sadly obvious.
10. We understand that sometimes ratings will drop suddenly and seemingly without warning. We also appreciate the fact you have a responsibility to your advertisers to sometimes take drastic measures to correct these situations. In doing so, if possible try to avoid the elevation of any B-rate movie actors to World Champion status, as this type of abstract booking is both hard for the average here-today, gone-tomorrow fan to follow, as well as extremely frustrating for us knowledgeable long-time pro wrestling (nee "Sports Entertainment") fans.
We, as fans of the WWF, humbly ask you to please consider all of the above points in total, before throwing your presently stable locker room into chaos, and lowering of the morale of your workers and staff. A move that would quickly translate into sub par matches, promos, and overall performances by ALL wrestlers, a situation we all surely wish to avoid.
We thank you for your time and consideration of this most urgent matter.